Lori's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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(Take a Bow)

So long? [16 Dec 2008|01:57pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Just to let some stragglers know that I am highly unlikely going to be updating this account anymore. Rather, I am keeping it for memory purposes. The blurty community is just dead - I've attempted to gain the attention of moderators but judging by the last post in the latest news section, they've buggered off some time ago.

Instead, I am picking up my old LJ account again which can be found here. There are more involved individuals, communities and moderators which makes the experience all the more entertaining.

To put things into perspective, according to Wikipedia, (I know, GREAT source for information), blurty has had 5,100 updated journals in the past month, which no doubt the majority are advertisements, and LJ has had 950,000.

I'll still be checking up on this account, but the advertisements and lack of interest in the blurty community will more than likely keep me from updating further.

Toodles x

(Take a Bow)

[22 Sep 2008|11:05am]
[ mood | sick ]

"All truth is one in this light; may science and religion endeavor here for the steady evolution of mankind. From darkness to light, from narrowness to broad-mindedness, from prejudice to tolerance, it is the voice of life which calls us to come and learn."
- Clifford Stoll (source TED.com)

(8 Roses |Take a Bow)

To Blurt? Or not to Blurt? [17 Jul 2008|06:06pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I feel bad, what's happened to blurty? I've been meaning to update for the longest time, (still do as I don't consider this a proper update), but it seems to have lost its appeal to so many. And yet, livejournal seems to be doing the opposite. But, what is an online journal really for? How many of us actually pour our entire heart out for most if not all to see? Does the popularity of a website really need to determine where your journal should be?

No worries, I'm staying here. Looking back on my older entries I seem to amuse myself, some more so than others...

I still can't believe that its been over a year since I've come to harass this thing.

(Take a Bow)

Some relative lyrics [05 May 2007|02:21pm]
[ mood | numb ]
[ music | Nine Inch Nails - Right Where It Belongs ]

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all...right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone
You can live in this illusion,
You can choose to believe.
You keep looking but you can't find the woods,
While you're hiding in the trees

(Take a Bow)

Might be the meds, advil and alcohol talking...but I think the sun was good for me! [29 Apr 2007|05:48pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | The Mars Volta - The Widow ]

I just witnessed a man on a motorcycle at a stoplight attempting to impress a few fifteen year old girls at the bus stop. He sped off when it was green, seemingly towards his own death. Idiot. I don't get it. You don't impress me. The kid did not even have proper riding attire. Wouldn't be surprised if I saw him on the evening news.

None the less.

I have just come back from an outing with my brother and sister-in-law. Originally I had intended to go out with just my brother as his attitude as of late has mirrored my own and started me onto a course of concern for him. We had lunch where despite the pub like atmosphere I wanted to establish with them understanding as well as trust when it came to me, and realize that I am not the same immature teenager that I used to be. It was important for me to make them think about what they truly want in life outside of material things.

My life has been changing.

I hope it worked.

Afterwards we went for a walk along the lake in Spencer Smith park. It was such a lovely day outside, and I think that I needed the sun. There were so many dogs out and they were all lovely in their own way!

I had not anticipated to see a beauty in this area which was lost to me not so long ago, but it was all in the perception I am sure - to play with the cards that we're dealt with. Basically, I was attempting to be more optimistic than pessimistic - more positive than negative.

Am I fooling myself?

Hard to say, if I am, I am unaware of it.

I am having trouble trying to figure myself out lately, figure out what is me.

At the moment I am sat outside putting a pen to paper hoping that my passing thoughts might make sense of my situation...thoughts that I've been easily forgetting as of late.

I spoke with my counselor about an episode that I had a week ago on the Saturday. I described what I had felt, both mentally as well as physically, and he took out a book. He took out a book to categorize me, fit me with some definitive term. I don't like that thought, one where I am no longer an individual but I can fit within a category of types.

But what choice do I have?

He had told me that afterwards it was common for people to adapt or react to the experience, both emotionally as well as mentally. That may explain how I've been feeling this past week, and how I've been seemingly zoning out from time to time...

On a positive note though, I bought my wedding dress and I am leaving for England in two and a half weeks. I am happy...but for how long I wonder? My recent past creeps ever so slowly up from behind me, and I know that I am not free to forget about it just yet...

(Take a Bow)

The Library...in the Library [20 Apr 2007|05:16pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

At the moment, I feel as though writing out my thoughts freely upon paper will be of some help to me.

The process of attempting to voice my world through abstract words makes me curiously lighthearted.

In so doing, I will try to update this blurty more often.

Perhaps I will be able to track myself on the road to possible betterment?

Isn't it amazing how someone can feel much more joyous as soon as the weather is brighter? It is almost as if there is such hope and optimism in the warm, spring sun.

Instead, at the moment, I am sat within a library, fearful of the next couple of days and now unaffected by the weather outside.

The 8the floor study area is full, as it usually is at this time of year - some students cannot even find themselves a seat.

But it is unnaturally quiet with so many people.

Perhaps the others feel as I do towards the weather. Who knows if there is another like me here which shares the same thoughts or even the same predicament?

I feel strangely isolated in a place like this...I feel alone.

This library is the furthest sanctuary away from everyone. It is a place where I can attempt my work but not without the luring temptation of all its books - the imagination, the knowledge!

The possibilities which I can indulge myself in lay patiently beside me, seemingly untouched by the passing years.

But no, I refrain...I must continue my work.

(Take a Bow)

Ugh. [18 Apr 2007|09:14pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | Oaisis - Don't Look Back In Anger ]

I am faced with a dilemma at the moment.

Wait, I usually tend to place myself in these sort of situations o_O

What has my life been like?

Well, I've been extremely indifferent to so many things, and I have managed to really isolate myself into schoolwork which has all been for naught.

I really feel like a failure at the moment, but such is life.

With only a few days to go thats left in the term, I have begun to question myself more and more as to whether or not I should have given my mind a rest and taken a semester off.

I'm ok I said. I can do it I said.

As is, I am faced with a decision. Already I am having to drop three courses - a time consuming and costly decision but thankfully it won't kill me. Dare I drop another one though?

Oh the temptation is too much!

I have an exam tomorrow which I haven't studied for yet, but I can still make it and do well on it. The concern is that I have yet to hand in an extremely late paper for that class, and I have a huge exam and essay due for the Saturday.

As is I already feel rather incompetent, but my mind is already favouring one decision over the other...

Of course, it would help if the prof checked her mail regularly, or if Brockmail can actually work on the odd occasion - that'd be lovely as well!

What upsets me even more is just how indifferent I feel to everything.

A good example is this recent tragedy in Virginia. It seems as though it is part of a movie of some sort.

My grandmother in Croatia isn't doing too well either. She is in the hospital with an infection and its still unclear if she is going to get over it or not. My parents are faced with a decision of placing my grandparents into a nursing home which would cost quite a bit of money as they don't have the necessary coverage.

That places a bit more pressure on me as I am already costing enough when it comes to my lingering education and wedding concerns.

And yet, I feel indifferent to that. I feel indifferent to everything save for nervousness, stress and frustration. I feel so isolated from myself as well as other people. I don't know what is myself anymore.

Am I trying to put off these courses, or do I really have a problem? I feel that I do, but my mother is beginning to think that I am making up excuses.

True, my mind is elsewhere much of the time, but I am not being at all productive. Instead, I am caught in a vicious cycle where I am getting myself more and more depressed.

Can I just ignore it? Will everything just go away?

Was the incident in Virginia really a dream? Will my grandparents be alright and I will be greeted with smiling, sunny faces when I visit in the summer? Will my school eventually sort itself out?

I don't know what can make me happy at the moment, it requires a good think. There is so much in the future which I am looking forward to, which makes me so content - but what about now? What about me living in the moment, what makes me happy?

I feel like I am so many different people at once.

Maybe I am just overwhelmed.

What do I do?

Oh dear blurty, how I miss venting to thee! It feels as though you are hear to listen to these crazed ramblings of this lonely twenty-two year old...

(Take a Bow)

[10 Apr 2007|11:16am]
[ mood | tired ]

I thought that I would update because well, I haven't done so in awhile.

So what has my blurty missed about my life?

I am confused, my schoolwork is whacked, and I can't wait for the summer.

I am neither here nor there anymore.

My counselor had to re-schedule my appointment with him because of a funeral. That makes me sad, but I need to talk to him. It'll be hard to talk to him about things after he's just gone through a funeral.

Cake is good.

(2 Roses |Take a Bow)

In hiding. [16 Jan 2007|11:29pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Semester one exams finished December 16th, 2006.

I am writing my classics exam January 23rd, 2007.

I couldn't ask for better hope, or better luck.

Will be spending much of my time in the library for awhile, especially over the next couple of weeks.

My head hurts.

(4 Roses |Take a Bow)

Pictures [14 Jan 2007|10:55pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Infected Mushroom - Converting Vegetarians ]

I'm looking at pictures, pictures of what was - what has passed. The way things were, and the way I used to be...

I'm looking at them, and I miss everything they embody.

The moments, the memories, the way that I was, and most importantly those who I shared all these things with.

And there is nothing I can do about them now but watch them move into the distant past ever so slowly.

(3 Roses |Take a Bow)

Everything is just dragging along. [11 Dec 2006|07:20pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Muse - Thoughts of a Dying Atheist ]

I've been in different phases of "really out of it" as of late, just from one to the other.

In one of my random moods, I decided to do an entry, I have no idea what about just yet. I figured that something will come to me eventually if I just keep typing away.

So here I am currently missing an exam as we speak. With the professor's permission of course, I had just seen him prior to the main event which I am avoiding.

He's a cool guy, Professor Singer - my new favourite professor. His suggestion to me was that I should move to the UK like, right now, or that I should at the very least take a term off to sort things out and recommended that I should stay off 'all kinds of smack', wanting to utter a rude word or two about the subject. He also said though I'm dropping the course, he at least liked my writing in my emails, "not all of the emails I get are like that, and all one can think is 'my gawd, what will the essay from that kid be like'." Its somewhat encouraging.

I'm requesting a backdated withdrawal from two of my history courses. I am not too happy about it, and I am not so confident about the exams which are coming up in the courses I still have decided to keep. The fifth one is floating about somewhere.

I'm trying to be optimistic, I'm trying to be optimistic, I have to be optimistic...

I'm just getting sick of so much really. I've had a weird breakdown the other day from just going into the bath and feeling the temperature of the water, something that was supposed to relax me somewhat. Little things are irritating me, then again I was really sick that day and threw up four times in one evening as well.

I'm looking forward to moving out in February. As soon as I can, I'm going to set up my work area in the basement so that every time I look at it, I can remind myself that I am moving forward. It makes me content in knowing that I will be commuting, an attempt to better my situation outside of my academics, and polish up my driving skills at the same time.

And I want to plan my wedding already. I want to at least start planning the good chunk of it. I've had to change my wedding date from July to June 7th, and I'm even second guessing my colour choice - burgundy to dark purple. I want to be able to explore my options, examine various ideas and be the giddy little bride that we are all accustomed to when it comes to planning out a wedding.

*sips tea*

Steve is coming down next week, ten days. Dammit I want to be all selfish like and say that I want to see him sooner, longer - hell I just want to be with him always. I guess its understandable considering I want to marry him and all. I'm realistic, I'm understanding, but my selfish bug is really nibbling away at my ear right now, and I just want to shove some cake in my belly to make it go away. Yes, that works - but alas, no cake.

I sorta feel bad for him. As soon as he comes into the country, we've pretty much got all these plans for him for the majority of the days he's over here. We're planning to see the dj/videographer, the hall in Niagara-on-the-lake, a possible minister and even head down to the Hamilton bridal show in January. On top of that there is Christmas and Christmas dinners, an engagement party on the 29th, who knows what on New Years, and a mini-break in Niagara Falls in December. All this and he's only down for two and a half weeks. Welcome to Canada Steve!

*immerses self in Muse music*

I want to get back into doing the things I used to enjoy, even updating my blurty. I used to really enjoy expressing random thoughts on here, or just write in general. I've retracted myself from so many aspects of my life...I am not proud nor am I happy about any of it.

I think I will leave this entry as is for the moment.

(2 Roses |Take a Bow)

Silently Sleeping [05 Dec 2006|09:48pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | BT - The Antikythera Mechanism ]

I feel like I exist outside the world of time. It is a strange feeling - neither here nor there, and remaining absolutely still..

The world moves around you, the busyness of life.

From one way to the other, from one place to the next.

One can't help but feel alone. Who can stand beside me, hand in hand, watching with incredible calmness and ease as the world moves by around us.

Stop and stare.

It is an overwhelming feeling, and one which is difficult to place into words.

Do the stars move or do we move amongst the stars?

I am in a place where I am aware there is more to the world though I cannot see it.

I can feel it. It feels vast and light.

It is a world which is both present, yet strongly hidden.

A world...

What is a world anyway? How can I define a world?

How do I define myself? What is me?

I am looking at this place, outside of time.

And I see beauty and love.

The sound of life rouses the senses - I am awake.

But dreaming.

Oh to dream...

Silently sleeping as the world passes around me. I no longer know what is real anymore.

(Take a Bow)

[22 Nov 2006|02:29pm]
[ mood | scared ]

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

(3 Roses |Take a Bow)

Linkin Park - That takes me back to my high school days... [19 Nov 2006|11:05pm]
[ mood | mental ]
[ music | Linkin Park - Crawling ]

I am at the point where I am contemplating drugs or psychiatric help.
Its not stress - its not school - I don't know where to begin...
Whether I get it or no, these essays are not going to wait for me................

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming - confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling - I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting - reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I cant seem...

(4 Roses |Take a Bow)

The Black River? [16 Nov 2006|04:22pm]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars ]

I wanted to cry...so I cried...
I wanted to think...so I thought...
I wanted to take a walk...and so I walked...and walked for some time...and thought while I walked...
I wanted to listen to music...so I did...
I had to do my readings...and they're done...
I wanted to dream...so I dreamt...

And I dreamt about Monarch butterflies on floral trees in the bright sunlight, and real hugs from warm strangers...

It is amazing how we take for granted all of the simple things in life when all of the bigger things begin crumbling down...

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

(1 Rose |Take a Bow)

Breaking down [02 Nov 2006|03:17pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | My Chemical Romance - The Sharpest Lives ]

A quiet, empty and uneventful box...

I can't see tomorrow, and yesterday seems like a dream.

Honestly, I don't know what to do right now...what to do anymore...

(Take a Bow)

[27 Oct 2006|09:43am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Muse - Falling Away With You ]

I am so disappointed with myself...

I guess you can say that I'm also anxious, scared, alone, agitated, nervous, awkward, anti-social and depressed...its not often that I will admit to this, and its something thats been building ever since I came back...

Am really trying hard to hold onto something real...

(2 Roses |Take a Bow)

[19 Oct 2006|06:37pm]
[ music | Sarah Mclachlan - Dirty Little Secret ]

I could really go for a hug.

Not an "aww, there there" type of hug, an actual real hug...

(1 Rose |Take a Bow)

Eh. [17 Oct 2006|10:33am]
[ mood | tired ]

I often question why I study sometimes.

I feel like it comes down to simply, I either know or I don't, there's no in between. It just happens almost.

Or maybe I'm developing a lazy reasoning to this.

I studied for my mid-term, but I honestly felt like it'll make no difference on the outcome.

(3 Roses |Take a Bow)

So here I am, not in class [13 Oct 2006|09:41am]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | Thirteen Senses - Through the Glass ]

Ah yes, such a familiar intrigue of mine...

Ok, so I should be in class, even though I promised Steve that I wouldn't miss anymore classes unless it was direly necessary of me to do so, or I had his permission...

Unfortunately, my sickleness and other exciting happenings have gotten the best of me this morning, and I'm on the path to letting myself down again.

I should be resting, and I will, but I had caffinated tea this morning on the hopes that I would feel better...aaaand it didn't work - just keeping me awake.

Instead, to keep my mind somewhat occupied for the time being, I decided to update my blurty with the usual uninteresting happenings of my life.

Its been awhile again since I've properly updated, and I say that often. I've looked back on previous entries and realized how much I sucked only a few years ago, and decided to continue the cycle so in another two years I can look back and think "My Gawd what was wrong with me?"

But I don't think that yet, so I will keep on going - on with the entry!

I definately feel as of late that I am at the beginning of a transition period, or a fork in the road so to speak. Things have changed in the past two years, (very little the two years prior to that), and in two years from now, well, I don't know what the hell's going to happen.

I'm not whining, a lot of it has to do with my upbringing.

All my life, I've always managed to have a clear road...Greenday's Macy's Day Parade suddenly comes to mind...such is childhood I guess, when you can actually think about these things. But thats the thing, I still feel like a child, or at least 17, none of this 21 nearing 22 business.

Anyways, slightly off topic.

I'm currently in this situation where I want to get into teaching, but I don't know which aspect of teaching I want to go into anymore as I am considering moving out to the UK. In doing so, I have re-thought the idea of me going for 4 years to University.

I've tried to weigh the pros and cons of 3 years versus 4 years,

Pro for 3 years:

~ I can save $10,000 (which can help out with wedding/house etc)
~ If plans are full speed ahead to the UK, I can have a year to spend with my friends and family
~ There is the possibility of me still making use of my British VISA to work in Britain, if not, working here, and therefore making money
~ Examining volunteer hours for the next school year
~ I can more than likely see Steve more often

Con for 3 years:

~ I will always hold this feeling like I cut myself short
~ It may/may not have an impact on how much I am making or where I plan to go later on in life
~ I have to go to summer school to take .5 of a context credit which will likely be economics
~ The degree won't look as impressive on my wall

Ok, so maybe I was grasping at straws with the last one.

The pros do outweigh the cons of course, but as one might be able to note, there is a lot of uncertainty clouding my decision. Plus, the fourth year is more of a personal choice.

But with my view on life, and already my current mental state, I know that going a fourth year will make me feel like I'm wasting my life away and wasting time I'd much rather spend with my loved ones.

I've tried to leave it down to, 'if I manage to get an honours mark, I'm going', but I've even been reconsidering that idea. If I go to the UK I likely won't need an honours, and coming back here if I have that mark I can always go back to Brock later on - I don't mind being older than the majority of the students there.

Also, I can always go a fourth year once I'm all settled and established and stuff...right...right?

Getting a Masters is something I want to do eventually in life, but not if it is going to cut into all other aspects of my world.

I don't know, I don't think anyone can be completely ready for everything.

On top of that with this whole transitional thing, its got me so confused and irratic. I keep telling myself...well I know that things change. The place, my home will always look the same, but I can never go back to my childhood days. Its true when they say when you leave home, you can never come back, and no other home will look quite the same in my eyes.

Plus with the developments of the valley, I just think that how everything was, the way that I looked at the world with such hope, light and wonder, is best kept in my memory. I can't stay in Hamilton anymore for fear of losing those cherished memories of the past, and that is how I can keep the place alive...

...and moving forward things change, and I have the oppurtunity to experience so many things in my lifetime and for that, I am lucky.


Alongside a different note, it was snowing yesterday and is cold today. Two degrees, but really cold for me. I'm thinking of going shopping next week, not only to get a new coat...if I can find one...but also to start doing Christmas shopping. I was in Limeridge last weekend getting my brother a birthday present and it was already the start of hair pulling, eye gauging season, and I absolutely hate shopping at Christmas time.

Although, this year exams are expected to run no later than the 16th, which I'm excited, more time off!

With regards to the weather my landlord, whom I don't have a contract with, was upset when I turned the furnace on a few weeks ago because it was 19 in the house and claimed that 'technically we don't have to turn it on until the 15th'...technically we don't have a contract with her, but I thought it best not to argue the point. So I'm leaving the decision now up to her daughter and niece who've been getting away with quite a bit recently. I decided fine, no furnace, but I can use my heater in my room =) I have poor circulation, I'm not going to get in any worse of a state than I already am!

And poor Allison getting the wrap for not taking recycling out...usually we both do it or take turns...thats just it, the other two don't. I honestly thought that it worked as Hamilton does, whenever there's a holiday they push the garbage day down...isn't that right? Anyways, it wasn't done, and frankly, Nancy, my landlord, is starting to get on my nerves a little.

Moving along...

I've also been trying to look into wedding things, but at the same time, I don't think I'm looking into it enough. I'm going to need my mom's help here as I'm out at school. You see, high point of wedding season is end of June/beginning of July. I plan on getting married July 5th, 2008 (plans were for June 7th, but some of Steve's family can't make it out then). So once 2007 comes rolling around, a lot of bride-to-be's will be like, damn, we gotta get crackin!

I know this, I've been in the business for 6 miserable years.

I was hoping to see a hall last Sunday, but my mom was called into work...it looks like because of my own school work and the crap weather outside this weekend that I won't see it until Tuesday or Wednesday, and I'm also hoping to do some shopping then as well...*sigh*. I won't get into the details of the place unless I'm actually set on it.

Let me put it this way, I would love to have an inexpensive wedding at Niagara-on-the-lake, but to do so I need to start early and beat other brides to it.

Its going to be my day dammit, and likely to be the only day where people will see me being rather demanding.

Damn, I'm going through tissues like a horse...

Cause you know...horses do that...

Anyways, I'm going to go and lay down for a bit. Am going to spend the day reading which isn't too bad...its the amount of reading that needs to be done which sucks.

Brock People

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