Blurty for Carlee.

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Tuesday, January 25th, 2005

Subject:fuck it all
Time:2:53 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Sooner or Later- Breaking Benjamin.
I'm afraid that I'll never ever be happy again
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Subject:fuck it all
Time:2:50 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Sooner or Later- Breaking Benjamin.
I'm afraid that I'll never ever be happy again
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Sunday, January 2nd, 2005

Subject:On the way to close my eyes, I lost where I was going
Time:6:52 pm.
Mood: worried.
Music:311- Amber.
I was thinking about it the other day...How different Andrew and I are. So I told Miranda, "well, maybe I won't mess around with him as planned." I told him about this tonight. We talked about it. It was funny. I said, "so I was thinking the other day that I didn't want to sleep with you." He says, "ouch." And then I remembered how much I love that kid. Everything is all better. We agreed to hang out more to break the ice I suppose, since he's still pretty shy around me. I got to see him the other night downtown for First Night. He's such a cute little Gap Model. Oh well, ya gotta love him.

Speaking of boys that I love...Josh sent me a picture. Now he gets to torture me every day instead of just when I get his letters. Oh my god...so much fun. He thinks I'm mad at him because I "haven't been writing." Untrue...I haven't had stamps. One night though, I got inspired and wrote him this long ass poem and a 2 page letter which I sent to him. He should have it by now...or should be getting it by tomorrow. I can't wait to see what he says about that one. I still want to know why he told me in the one letter he sent, "I love you" at the end. That really made me upset since all he talks about in his letters is how much he loves Katie. Which is bull shit. Whatever..He gets on my nerves.

So Christmas was good. So was new years. Didn't do much for either. It sucked that the first day of the new year I spent barfing my guts out. I was sick like mad. It was horrible. But I'm feeling much better. It's too bad it's the last day of break and I haven't done anything all day except procrastinate on my history project some more. I really need to start working on it though. We've had the assignment since november and I'm not even halfway done with it. It's due January 18th. Eek- I better read fast. I think I'm going to go get started on that. :) Muchos love.
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Thursday, December 16th, 2004

Subject:I"M ABOUT TO BREAK!!!! God- I miss Linkin Park. Woo
Time:4:11 pm.
Mood: hungry.
Music:Linkin Park- Hyrid Theory.
So- I haven't updated in a while. That kinda sucks. Well I've been busy. First the computer decided to go all freaky on me. But I put it in my room so...I got internet again. After a week without it...I thought I was going to die. So I don't remember if I updated about my birthday or not. I think I might have. Well- it was good. And the joys of being 16 have come included with my new job. It's fun...I love it. And I have to work tonight..Which is why I can't write much but I thought I'd stop in...say hi, I'm doing ok and all that. Ok I have to go.
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Friday, November 26th, 2004

Subject:Caress me down
Time:10:53 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:Sublime- Caress Me Down.
Ok so this is what I've been thinkin. And don't laugh cuz it's a weird thing. But- my friends lesbian sister introduced me to a book of pictures the other day. It's from a website called Suicide Girls. (Holler if you know what it is!) Ok so for those who don't know- it's a bunch of pictures of naked women who are more...edgey. It's kinda like playboy only so much more better. I think it's amazing and something I could def. get into. I'm not as hardcore as some of them but I think it's so awesome. Problem is- I've always been kinda insecure about my body. I've never wanted to have anyone see me naked. Not even myself. It's not like I'm hideous. I'm just- thin and my hips stick out. My boobs are small. Etc. etc. Those of you who know about my spine thing no what else I'm talkin about but I won't mention it in here. But- I dunno. This suicide girls thing just looks like so much fun and they look like people who wouldn't care what another naked body looks like. And they're not about the big Pam Anderson boobs and all the ugly make-up. More like- piercings and tattoos. These are def. some kinky girls. But I'm secretly into that stuff..so I guess it's ok. :D

Haha..so now that yall know my weird fantasies... I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow! I'm so excited. It's 3 stars on my shoulder blade in kind of a circle..each one if smaller and lighter than the next. It's awesome. I can't wait to turn 18 though. I wanna get a heart with a skull and cross bones wearing a pirates hat on my lower stomach by my...area. :) It's gonna be hot. And I wanna get some more piercings and then I'm set. Yay!

I met a guy on OM who's transgendered. He's so nice and we were talking about Suicide Girls. He's like "ooh..now I wanna be a suicide girl." I thought it was hilarious. Ok I'm done for now.
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Thursday, November 25th, 2004

Subject:No one told her it's the wrong way.
Time:8:43 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:Sublime- Wrong Way.
My friends are lying sacks of shit. Nuff said. :D

Miranda doesn't trust me anymore. I knew that's why she was hesitant to lemme read her online journal. Whatever. I told her I just don't care anymore. Which is true. I really don't. Damn I just wanna get high. Life really blows. Miranda's trying to convince me that what she said in her journal isn't true. "I didn't do it...but you'll probly see it in there more than once." Hahahaha...come ON! Whatever. Everyone can kiss my ass.

So before I start ripping my eyes out from being so incredibly irritated tonight because everyone is pissing me off....I'm getting a tattoo on Saturday for my birthday. Dad's taking me to get it done. Which is funny...dad's normally against every damn thing I do. (according to Miranda I have problems...hahaha. it's totally true) That was random. Ok so anyway- dad's takin me on Sat. to get a tattoo and then we're going like shopping or something. I'm supposed to to WVA with Miranda on Sunday...but knowing them we wouldn't get back until forever and I have to be home so I can actually get some sleep. And I don't wanna eat in front of her family. That's gonna suck. And apparently her grandparents are homophobic. Besides- I feel like Miranda didn't want me to go in the first place. I always feel like I'm barging in on her plans. So how bout this one...I'm not going with her anywhere unless she invites me first. Haha..looks like I'm gonna be spending the rest of my life alone. How great is that? Ok I'm gonna go now because I'm getting really pissed off for no reason. I'm gonna go poke myself in the eye repeatedly.
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Sunday, November 21st, 2004

Subject:I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today
Time:1:40 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
Music:Counting Crows- Color Blind.
Ok so let's talk about last night. Miranda and I went to this girls house with Justin and Nate. Apparently other people were supposed to be there but no one else showed up. Well we had to wait for this chick to get home because she was out getting groceries or something like that. (I'm not gonna use her name because I dunno her that well and I'd like to respect her and stuff...so for now she'll just be "the girl") Anyway- so we waited for her. She gets back and Nate and Justin busted out the vodka. That stuff tastes like shit. I hated it. So I only took 3 shots and chased it with my yummy juice. "The girl" asked us if we wanted to smoke and Miranda and I did so she brought out the bong. I've never used a bong before...it was really cool though. I liked it. So I don't even remember when it was that I started getting the feeling. But "the girl" walked upstairs for some reason and I just noticed that Miranda looked really big and everything behind her was small. Like- I was just concentrating on her. It freaked me out at first. I got up and I was really paranoid. When I turned around "the girl" was there and I didn't even know how much time had passed because 5 minutes felt like 2 hours. Then it wasn't so weird and I felt good. Everything felt like a dream. I would just concentrate on random things and I dunno...I can't explain the feeling. It was so good. We went upstairs and I just sat in the floor while we listened to Bob Marley (I now know why pot heads listen to him...it sounds cool when you're out of it) So anyway- it was the most awesome thing I've ever experienced. Even though it's really bad. And it makes me look bad. And I shouldn't be proud of getting high but....it was good to release for a while. Not have to worry about anything. Just sit and relax and feel totally good. That's what I like about it. And it's not like drinking...because you don't act stupid. I didn't have any thoughts; I just sat and listened and watched. And it was good.


Anyway- guess who's home for the week? Yes- Andrew. Guess what that means? My flower's gonna be gone soon. :-) I'm a druggie and a whore. Aw how cute! Syke, I feel like such a horrible person. But anyway, guess what's in TWO WEEKS!!!!? My birfday! Yay. I'm gonna be ....seize. Muahaha...french. I love it! Ok I'm out. Miranda and I are leaving for my house soon and I gotta do HOMEWORK. Yay. I just freakin LOVE school!
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Subject:I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today
Time:1:40 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
Music:Counting Crows- Color Blind.
Ok so let's talk about last night. Miranda and I went to this girls house with Justin and Nate. Apparently other people were supposed to be there but no one else showed up. Well we had to wait for this chick to get home because she was out getting groceries or something like that. (I'm not gonna use her name because I dunno her that well and I'd like to respect her and stuff...so for now she'll just be "the girl") Anyway- so we waited for her. She gets back and Nate and Justin busted out the vodka. That stuff tastes like shit. I hated it. So I only took 3 shots and chased it with my yummy juice. "The girl" asked us if we wanted to smoke and Miranda and I did so she brought out the bong. I've never used a bong before...it was really cool though. I liked it. So I don't even remember when it was that I started getting the feeling. But "the girl" walked upstairs for some reason and I just noticed that Miranda looked really big and everything behind her was small. Like- I was just concentrating on her. It freaked me out at first. I got up and I was really paranoid. When I turned around "the girl" was there and I didn't even know how much time had passed because 5 minutes felt like 2 hours. Then it wasn't so weird and I felt good. Everything felt like a dream. I would just concentrate on random things and I dunno...I can't explain the feeling. It was so good. We went upstairs and I just sat in the floor while we listened to Bob Marley (I now know why pot heads listen to him...it sounds cool when you're out of it) So anyway- it was the most awesome thing I've ever experienced. Even though it's really bad. And it makes me look bad. And I shouldn't be proud of getting high but....it was good to release for a while. Not have to worry about anything. Just sit and relax and feel totally good. That's what I like about it. And it's not like drinking...because you don't act stupid. I didn't have any thoughts; I just sat and listened and watched. And it was good.


Anyway- guess who's home for the week? Yes- Andrew. Guess what that means? My flower's gonna be gone soon. :-) I'm a druggie and a whore. Aw how cute! Syke, I feel like such a horrible person. But anyway, guess what's in TWO WEEKS!!!!? My birfday! Yay. I'm gonna be ....seize. Muahaha...french. I love it! Ok I'm out. Miranda and I are leaving for my house soon and I gotta do HOMEWORK. Yay. I just freakin LOVE school!
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Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Subject:Beh... :-/
Time:9:11 pm.
Mood: irritated.
Music:Essentials of Music- Book 3 for Flutes. :D.
Life is stressful. I got a letter from Josh yesterday and he just HAD to tell me that when he gets home he wants to buy Katie flowers for Valentines Day (more like...Iwannagaugemyeyesout day) and a promise ring. I wrote him back saying, "...thanks for the interesting details because they really made my day so much more awesome!" I'm sure he'll like it. I dunno...I've been in a not-so-good mood these past few days. Miranda and I fought over the stupidest shit a few days ago...so we're both pretty bitchy. Haha...and my mom was online and just happened to stumble across a conversation I was having with Justin (about my flicted keyboard) and saw a few cuss words. Started freakin' out and such. Grounded me from the computer. But the funny part is when I got home this afternoon she tells me Bob (her mistress...the married guy) is on my side. Told her that it was probly normal for kids my age to be cussing. It's not really a big deal. She was doing it at her age. And I never cuss at adults. It's just with my friends. Then mom tells me, "don't be cussing just to fit in with your friends...you need to be you." I couldn't help but laugh. My mom is so original. :)

Anyway- school sucks, life is boring, i need to get outta here before I shoot myself...and that's all you need to know. :D
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Saturday, November 6th, 2004

Subject:~This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear~
Time:11:17 pm.
Mood: restless.
Music:Brand New.
I have the WORST headache ...EVER...

Yeah..fuck this. I feel like shit. Someone shoot me please. :) I'm such a positive person. 10 pts. for me for being sooooo damn cool.

Gotta letter from Josh earlier this week. He wrote me a poem. It was really good too. I just hate how he has told me in his last few letters how much he misses me, but how much he loves Katie. So I killed him. :D J/k...I could never kill Josh -evil laugh, twitches- Hahaha. I amuse myself. So yeah, I dunno. For some reason, no matter how ...retarded his letters are, they always make me feel a lil bit better. But I'm just weird like that. And that's all ya need to know about that one.

Mom is out tonight, just like she was out last night. So I had to get a ride home from Tommy after the game (which we lost) in the middle of the damn night. I hated asking him too because it was so late and I know he wanted to go home and go to bed. But mom just HAS to go out with her married boyfriend. I can't rely on her for shit anymore. It's stupid. So she can kiss my ass. :)
The game was fun though. Minus the fact that I was freezing my ass off. But during half time we walked over to the other side of the field to watch their marching band. There were these two hot guys standing there and one had really curly puffy hair. It was adorable...and I couldn't help myself so I went up behind him and started playing with it. I didn't know the guy at all but hey, that's how ya make friends. Lol- anyway. We all introduced ourselves. The puffy haired guys name was Josh (is that great or what) and his friends name was Chris. Both very cute. Josh was 15, Chris-16. We talked for a bit and then Josh randomly walks away. We were talking to Chris and he was really cool. Miranda wanted food but I didn't so I stood in the back talking to Chris. He goes, "I realized I never got your names." So I told him mine and he asked what Miranda's name was so I told him and asked him if he had the hots for or something. He goes, "she's hot, so are you..I mean you're both hot." I was like, "too bad you have a girlfriend." He goes, "it doesn't matter..I'm going home with you guys' numbers." It was grrrreat. Sadly though, his girlfriend came up to him and they were all over each other. Funny thing was, she was big. I mean- I hate to be shallow but I would expect someone like him to have a hot girlfriend. She wasn't very pretty though. (god I'm so mean..I'm going to hell) And he never got our numbers. Oh well, more fish in the sea. :)

So since I have the headache from hell...I'm gonna go eat some leftover pizza (yum) and try and sleep it off. Night y'all. ;)
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Sunday, October 31st, 2004

Subject:Bahhhhh (yes, I am a sheep :D)
Time:12:09 pm.
Mood: dorky.
Happy Halloween kids. It's really nice outside today. And it's supposed to be warm out tonight too...God- don't ya love global warming? See, living in Virginia, this time of year it's usually freezing already. But the past couple days have been warm outside. I guess that's what we get for polluting the Earth with our junk. Oh well.

Dad's out on his bike. I thought it was hilarious watching my step mom trying to get on the back and almost falling down. She's short...and ..let's use "plump" to be nice about it. She couldn't get her leg over the seat. I laughed..I know, I'm a mean horrible person. But I can't help it. It was just amusing to me.

I'm thinking Andrew came home this weekend and didn't tell me. (Andrew= friend from college...'special' friend...from college. 'nuff said.) Which makes sense, his birthday is on Monday. But normally he would tell me even before he was coming home. So I'm thinkin' he didn't want me to know this time cuz I might try and jump his bones. :D It makes me sad. The past few times he's come home I haven't gotten to see him. 'Cept the one time...but we just talked. And I acted like an idiot cuz I was with Miranda and we always say the stupidest shit when we're together...and end up laughing our asses off even if it wasn't that funny. But that's just cuz we're super cool kids like that. We always laugh over dumb stuff. That's just how we are. Anyway, I hope he didn't come home this weekend and not tell me because I might have to...cry or something. I dunno. :\

So today...I'm going to the mall to get some stuff for a costume. Too of my bestest friends are coming over. Miranda and Lester..And we're going to get dressed up and roam around my neighborhood asking people for candy. It's gonna be a fun time. Cuz we're losers like that. Tell me why, I'm turning 16 and I still go trick-or-treating. Well, I mean it's not like I have anything better to do anyway. It's a sunday, I'm hanging out with my friends, dressed as a hooker. Is there something wrong with that? Maybe...but I'm just a freak so it doesn't matter to me. I'll be trick-or-treating til I die kids...and that's all you need to know. :D
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Subject:Yo-ho yo-ho a pirate's life for me. ARGHHH
Time:12:08 am.
Mood: grumpy.
Music:Pirate song. :D.
Sitting here at dad's with the headache from hell. Why? Because my dad and step mom are addict chain smokers and want my eyes to shrivel up outta my head. Which is just great. :D Thanks!

Halloween is tomorrow. My plans? Lester and Miranda are meeting me at the mall so I can get some necessities for my costume. Yes kids, I'm going trick-or-treating. It's going to be awesome. Lester is gonna be a pimp and I'm gonna be his ho. My idea for the costume was wearing fishnet stockings, short shorts and a cut off tank top. Then making my hair really poofy, wearing dark makeup and high heels. I thought it was hilarious. I was gonna dress up like George Bush...dead. :D But since I'm broke...I can't afford all the shit that I would need for that. Oh well.
So anyway- I wanted Miranda to come over tonight but she has to work in the morning..I offered to take her there and even meet her halfway so she didn't have to have her mom take her all the way out here. Her mom says no because Miranda didn't clean the dining room on Friday. Which is bullshit because Miranda and I sat in HER room until 9:30 at night..since after school...cleaning out her entire room..which was filthy. (No offense Miranda. You know I love you) And THAT'S why Miranda did not clean the dining room. BUT...but but but.. Miranda WAS allowed to go to Charline's halloween party tonight. Her mom's explanation for this? We see each other too much. Well hello...the kid IS my best friend. Of course we're gonna hang out all the time. It's not like I have any other friends to hang out with. Haha. Her mom hates me, I swear... :\

I was driving tonight with my dad...and out of no where I just felt really old. But then again, it doesn't seem too long ago that I was in like...Middle school. How weird is that? A couple years ago I was still like..learning my times tables. And now I was sitting there at a stop light, driving my dad's truck. It was just...really weird. And then I realized..Wow, I graduate in 2 years. 2. It didn't seem too long ago that I was thinking, "man...high school will never end. I have 4 years left." It's all gone by so fast. I didn't think it would either. Especially this past year. It's flown by. Where does the time go really? That's what I'd like to know. 'Cuz I've been bored the past 3 years. I have a good feeling that these next 2 years of my high school days are gonna be a lot better though. Probably because..I'll have a lisence and that's gonna be awwwwwesome. I can't wait. 5 more months kids..then I'll be driving everyone around. It's fabulous. So the revelation for today is- I'm gettin' old. :)
And most kids wouldn't be excited to get old. They wanna stay young forever. But not me. Does that make me weird? I mean...The whole thought of going to college, starting a career, eventually having my own family, etc. etc...excites me. I dunno why. I like having the responsibilities I guess. Which is why...I can't wait to grow up. Sure there will be things that I will miss...Parties, being stupid, going out with my friends all the time...but, yeah. I dunno- I just can't wait. It's gonna be fun. :)

My dad got this motorcycle right? And if you don't know my dad, lemme just tell you right now...he's a drunk. Which, just makes me laugh now. We used to fight a lot, I resent him for a lot of shit...ANYWAY. So he got this bike, got the lisence for it, wants to ride it all the time, thinks it's the coolest thing. I think..it was a dumb idea. Half the accidents these days involve motorcycles. As much as my dad gets on my nerves, the truth is, I would really hate it if he got in a wreck and lost body parts, ended up mangled on the side of the ride, died, etc. But I straight up told him tonight that he better not drink at all before he rides that bike...because if he wrecked and hurt himself I would have absolutely no sympathy for him. I would look at him and laugh and tell him, "I told ya so." Because that would be what he deserved. Everytime he takes me driving I have to remind him of the open container law...and that if we get pulled over for any reason and they find it...my learners permit will get taken away. I've had the damn thing for 5 months already, I have 4 months left, I'm SO close to getting my lisence...the last thing I need is for it to be taken away because my dad is a dumbass. What does he tell me? "Well then don't get pulled over." ...Nice one dad.


Josh should have gotten my letter today. :\ A shortened version of ...my relationship with Josh, for those of you who don't already know. Josh..ruined my life :) Yay. Ex-boyfriend, druggie, currently in jail. (do I have good taste in boys or what?) Loved him...he cheated, lied, did all this shit behind my back and didn't tell me...but he could tell Brittany everything...which pisses me off. :D Yeah so anyway, we had our thing, he broke up with me. I was heart broken. Ya know..all that good stuff. I've been having a real hard time getting over it. Which is always fun. (not) I didn't think he gave a rat's ass about me until one day, talking to Brittany, I found out he had tried to get my address over the summer but Britt didn't give it to him because we weren't talking. (yes, he also fucked up some of my friendships...GO JOSH!) Well, when I found this out, I got his address and sent him a letter. I got one back last week...he told me how sorry he was, that he didn't mean to hurt me, all that good bullshit. So I sent him one back and he should have gotten it today. I was feeling really good after I read his letter for some reason, so when I wrote him back it was saying a bunch of positive shit about how I thought I might finally be feeling a little better about the whole situation. Well, I think I was wrong. Because I'm really not. I just hate hearing how happy he is with Katie. Makes me wanna gauge my eyes out. :( 'Cuz ya know... "it's for real this time." Hahahahaha...BULL SHIT. It's all bullshit. Josh is the biggest fuckin' compulsive liar I know. And he's going to hell. And that's all you need to know. :D

God- could I write anymore? Sheesh. You kids really have no life if you read this whole damn thing about my boring, pathetic life. I'm goin' to sleep now because...It's past my bed time :-) And my eyes still hurt....Grr
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Monday, January 1st, 1996

Subject:un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix
Time:1:05 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:Your mom.
I'm bored...and tired...and I don't wanna go to work. :D But Happy Christmas Break!
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Subject:un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix
Time:1:05 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:Your mom.
I'm bored...and tired...and I don't wanna go to work. :D But Happy Christmas Break!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Blurty for Carlee.

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