I feel empty today. Last night I couldn't stop the words and I regret not writing more then.
I suddenly remembered all the details of a night I had drunkely forgot. It happened a little over a year ago and NOW I remember. But it's good, because evenough time has gone by that I can smile about what happened and what almost happened.
Watched Jeepers Creepers. It was fucking scary. I'm gonna have nightmares.
I just remembered something seriously horrible. When I was in, like, 3rd or 4th grade we had these "self-esteem" classes. This lady would come in and talk to us and I don't remember a lot of what she said, but I do remember that an entire days discussion was devoted to how someone can die if you think enough bad thoughts about them.
Seriously, what the hell IS that? Why would you tell that to a bunch of 8 year olds? Is this why I censor myself when I think about my family?
Missing lollapalooza RIGHT NOW which sucks. It's even relativley nice outside. (And this is arizona, so that's pretty much the best you can hope for at this time of year). Still, it's cool as hell to know that practically a year ago today, I saw rooney at cricket, playing on the side stage and today they're opening on the main stage. Would've been cooler to actually SEE it, but I didn't have a million dollars for the ticket.
Went to the library this morning to work on something away from the house for awhile. Instead I spent a really long time looking at the Journals of Ayn Rand. And, as soon as I finish the Fountainhead, I'm getting that book. It's not really her Journals, at least not in the typical definition of the word. It her notes on her philosophy and writing. It was so cool to see how she worked. So much research into the characters and plot and everything. And now, unfortunatley, I know things about the fountainhead I wish I didn't, like what's going to happen.
Jeff is driving me crazy. I have all these guilty feelings, saying anything bad about him. He's my brother, I shouldn't feel like this blah blah blah, but he irritates the hell out of me! He's mean and condesending and somehow perfect in our parent's eyes. Maybe that's the part that bothers me.
Can't write in my paper journal cuz I wrote stuff on the cover and it's not drying. It may never dry and then I'll be left with a big mess of a journal cover. Hmm.
Kinda blew up at Jeff earlier. Not without reason. I'm sitting at the computer and he's in the kitchen with my mom and he's whispering something to her and laughing. I assumed it was about me because I was the only other person in the house. My dad was outside. So my mom said some shit about it being about dad being on vacation. It was bullshit because DAD WAS OUTSIDE and he can't even here the phone ring when it's right next to him. And what she said he said wasn't even offensive. I love it when people talk shit right in front of me and then lie about it. Really I do. It dodn't make me want to leave 100 times more than I already did or anything.
So then I was talking about going back to school, because I have decided to go back. And Jeff's all "the one in New York?" I said yeah. He said "so are you going to want to move there eventually?" I told him that was the plan. And he's all "and when is this little plan of yours going to happen?" Little plan. And my mom gets pissed off when I get upset by it, which is bullshit. He's totally fucking condesending and belittling and I have to smile and take it.
I WANT TO LEAVE!
Everytime I talk about it to mom she says I'm running away. From what? I'm supposed to stay here and try to be happy just because this is where she chose to raise me? And does that mean she was running when we moved out here?
I'm just tired of her scewing things to fit whatever she needs them to be. I'd give an example, I remember getting upset about this today, but I can't remember.
I do love them, I don't want it to sound like I don't, I just think we'll all be better off when I'm across the country.
I'm bored. Not really like "oh I don't know what to do. There's nothing fun here to do right now". It's like " I'm sick of this place, I hate everyone here, if I had any money I'd just leave."
I almost did last night. I fell aslep around 11, woke up around 12, but laid there in that half asleep thinking weird thoughts half asleep place for a half hour or so, then I got up to see what time it was. Due to a lack of outlets in my room I don't have a clock. Well, I have a clock, it's just not plugged in. Everything felt completely hopeless. I need a job. My mom's getting mega pissed about the lack of a job and that's her right, I am living with her. I don't know. Somehow I started thinking about leaving. But I'm broke. So there will be no leaving until I get a job and work for a few months.
I feel like in a week I've become a completely different person. Not sure what changed. Xanga's back up, but it's hard to even write there because I don't feel like the girl that had that site anymore. I didn't even link to here. I may do it later, if it feels right. But this morning it didn't.
I'm tired of living with my parents. I feel like it's stifeling me. I love my mom, but I'm sick of the 24/7 fear of saying something to set her off. I'm too old to be living like this, but I don't have the money to be doing it any other way. And I feel like I'm going to go out of my mind if I stay here another day. I'm stuck.
I need somthing to happen. Three days ago I was like, okay, I'm fine without friends for now, I can just hang out and figure shit out. Now I just want something to happen. Something huge and preferably good.
Hello. Something needed to replace the xanga site, as xanga has been down for like a year. Or a week or something, and it's prolly not their fault... but here I am. New journal I can update.
I hate first entires. I never know what to say.
Reading The Fountainhead. On a quest to make myself smarter. Some might argue that this is what college is for. Yeah, I tired that and the only thing I could afford was the local community college and I'm not going back there. Nothing good ever came of that place.
And I'm taking classes online thru the writer's studio in New York, but I'm not really sure how I feel about all that. I'm in between sessions right now and still not sure if I'm going back. I want to move to New York as soon as possible, and this would be a reason to... but I dunno. I srot of feel like they're trying to brainwash us so we feel like we NEED these classes to be writer's. And that's total and complete bullshit. I've been writing since I was 8 years old.
And that's all the babbling I'm going to do right now.