i hate myself   
01:05am 13/10/2003
 
mood: confused/depressed/lonely/sad
music: bring back the good times (how ironic)
whats wrong with me? i hope everyone reads this. i cant get over melissa, everytime i try and forget about her all i can see is her in my head. god she was the most beautiful girl at the dance, no one even came close to her beauty. i cant forget about her or move on and all i want is to be back there danceing to that slow song with our bodies pressed together. i could smell her and feel her around me and i never want that feeling to go away. i cried my eyes out today more than once. then i looked at my profile and saw matt and my inside joke, ya that happened right before i asked melissa to homecoming so i started to cry again. you now the last time i cried was when my grandma died in 1999 but today i have cried 5 times. why do i feel this way ive never felt it before and i hate it. i just want to move on but my emotions are holding me back, and i know she doesnt feel the same way and it makes the pain even worse. then i get mad at myself for no reason, and i get amd at everyone else and guys im soo sorry for that im just one huge emotional mess. and tommorow is going to be soo horrible because ill have to laugh and tell everyone i had a great time at the dance(which i did) but of course ill be wearing my fake smile with my fake additude and each time i say i had a great timei will feel like throwing up. and when i get home ill probably cry again thats how much it hurts and when i taste my salty tears and when i did my laundry and could still smell melissa on my dress shirt those things just make the pain all the more real. and i cant help but curl up in a little ball on my bed and bawl my eyes out. i have stains on my pillow from puddles of tears. this al lis just so messed up and i try so hard but i cant get that girl out of my mind. i tried writing a song about getting over her, but that doesnt work when i still have all these feelings for her. i still cant understand why she said no, is it me am i ugly? am i un-dateable? am i just not a good person? ive asked myself all these questions millions of times, and no answer fits i have to find out from her. and i know i wont get the truth becuase it seems like all girls can do is send signals that are mixed then not say what they really mean. i hate this soo much and i havent been able to talk to her and get real closure on this or even figure out if anything could ever happen. and you nkow what makes it worse? reading pichettes journal(goto friends hes mattlove) hes so damn happy i hate him for that. but i love that guy because hes such a nice person and when i went to ask melissa to homecoming hes the one who drove me to walmart for flowers hes the one who basically coached me and told me what to do, i was having anxiety attacks around melissa until matt started to help. and then once i got that under control i was fine and got a date and i thought everything was great then of course mixed signals and my stupidity got in the way i asked her out and she said no it was nice and all but i would have rather her just say no flat out and explained why. instead of a round about no with out acctually saying no. god this is so messed up i cant love her but i want to and i cant hate her becuase i love her. please help me.
 
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as for now im gonna hear the sadest songs and sit alone and wonder how youre making out.    
01:40am 13/10/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: i cant listen to music it all reminds me im soo lonely
i wear this fake smile, and i have this fake additude
to make everyone think i had a great time
when the truth is you killed me
you ripped out my heart and stomped it on the floor
inside im crying but outside im laughing
it hurts me soo much

as i tell you how i feel right now
im begging you to hold me
becuase i cant stop my tears from flowing
their bittersweet taste in my mouth
and all the while my hearts exploding
bursting like a supernova

at the begging of the night i was on a cloud
and you sent me down down down down
i like you more than youll ever know
but you dont give a damn
you said it was nice that i asked
why didnt you say what you meant?
you and will never work out
youre too ugly for me.
is that what you meant when you said i dont know

you were so beautiful tonite
i think i looked worse tahn everyone else there
you and i we danced so close
i never wanted to let you go
i never wanted to step away
why couldnt that slow song go on forever
so i would never have to say good nite

i wrote that last nite just wanted everyone to see it thought it might help a little. ya im not feeling much better, and what i really need to do is talk to matt. he is always there for everyone and hes just a great guy, hes everyones best friend and i cant thank dana taylor and erin enough for helping me out. i really needed you guys and you helped a whole lot thanks soo much. well as for me i need someone to come along and put the back the pieces to my heart so i can get on with my life.
 
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happy for a change   
09:32pm 13/10/2003
  well today i talked to melissa for a while and got some answers to those questions ive been killing myself over. now im finally feeling better, and i am definetly ready to move on this time. not that i dont still have feelings for melissa because how could i forget about her? but im not hung up on her anymore, and i have feelings for other girls too so i guess i just have to keep looking for the right one, why cant she just find me? ugh girls are so confusing. but i love them so much! stupid me.  
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how did i leave this out!   
09:53pm 13/10/2003
 
mood: dorky
music: taking back sunday(i met them and you didnt!)
the best part of my day and i totally left it out! melissa called me a little cutie! im such a dork, that made my day is that sad?
 
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