blah blah blah blah blah   
04:59pm 25/11/2003
mood: complacent
music: saves the day-at your funeral(ill sing at yours dana)
im just updating this because i havent in a while. really nothing is happening exciting, my life just drags on from day to day, and i swear to god if someone calls this house again im going to slam my bass over it.
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i think im turning japanese i really think so   
02:19am 07/11/2003
mood: thirsty
music: the background music on jackass
hey whats up, matt coe is over and were watching jackass that movie is hilarious. tonite we went and saw matrix revolutions, that movie is so awesome except for the end which really sucked, we were supposed to go out tping with matt picchietti but that asshole blew us off and went to see some movie, eh fuck him. i had way too much coke and i cant sleep. matt on the other hand is passed out on my futon. allright well im gonna change movies its billy madisson time the greatest movie of all time, later
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all good things must end   
11:07pm 03/11/2003
  i feel so bad for matt, he and katherine broke up-well she says steped back. i know exactly how he feels god ive seen my share of misery this year, but he will eventually move on like i did. speaking of moving on whats the best way to ask someone out? im going for more heartbreak! and wahts a good name for a band?  
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when im with you i feel like i could die and that would be allright   
12:06am 02/11/2003
mood: peaceful
music: commitment
i never wanna stop doing exactly what im doing right now.
if im just bad news, then youre a liar   
10:55pm 29/10/2003
mood: pissed off
music: finch-worms of the universe
i dont have feelings for erin anymore but what really hurts is that she told my best friend she was going to break up with me before she told me. and then she says she has no reason to break up with me except she doesnt really know me and thats just a lie im mad now.
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the misery and me   
12:01am 29/10/2003
mood: frustrated
music: commitment
over as fast as it started. thats right folks im single...again. she says she doesnt know me that well, then why the hell go out with me!? ugh girls are stupid. i hate my stupid melodramitic teenage life filled with heartbreak and lust, none of this is even real anyways so why do we care so much? on a good note i got the new lucky boys cd its their greatest stuff ever i havent listned to anything else for a week. now im going to go cry and figure out whats wrong with me that makes all these girls not like me. goodbye.
10:24pm 25/10/2003
mood: ecstatic
music: Lucky Boys Confusion 'Commitment'
i have a girlfriend damn it sounds good to say that! and this whole time i thought girls had a conspiracy against me. and aparrently i cheated at yahtzee because my cousin just told me i lost because she changed the scores and i cheated. oh well nothing can bring me down!
This is bailie   
10:19pm 25/10/2003
  hi lauren. i like your house and your hair. i also like your eyes and your friends.(fyi lauren is chris's other cousin i am bailie his 6 year old cousin he let me type this)  
no subject   
12:03am 21/10/2003
mood: sick
music: internet radio on yahoo i made my own station its sweet
blah, im sick it sucks. and right now i cant sleep, i just sent an email to that chick i like, is this going to be another one of those things where i put off asking her out until it starts to scare me and i have panic attacks around her? god i hope not i went through enough of that with melissa. yep i hope i have another one of those happy dreams, so im going to try and sleep through my tummy ache, nite nite.
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if only i had one wish id want a million trillion lifetimes that i could spend with you   
10:32pm 19/10/2003
mood: jubilant
music: story of the year
have you ever had a dream you wil never ever forget? i had one last nite, it was about that girl i like, it wasnt a fantas or anything you perverts. she and i fell asleep in each others arms, i soo want that too happen i was soo happy when i woke up. why cant every dream be as good as that one?
11:24pm 18/10/2003
mood: okay
music: white stripes
well ya i cant make up my mind on anything i thought i liked someone now i like someone else(the sexy one[not the pirate]) only one person would get that because they are the person i like. im so weird i cant even figure myself out.
everyone i know has got a reason to say 'could you put the past away'   
10:05pm 17/10/2003
  i saw melissa today. i digressed in my healing. she is soo beautiful. ahhhhhh why cant i get over her for good, all these feelings i still have for her locked inside me. i hate this. and know the girl i like i think knows that and is acting odd around me, not a good sign right? i need a girl.  
picture! look ------->   
12:13am 16/10/2003
mood: sleepy
music: brand nizzle
finally got a picture of me just a little fyi i got some serious red eye goin on too, whoa maybe my picture is high i told him not to do it. all right now im really going to sleep.
cant think of a title   
11:20pm 15/10/2003
mood: quixotic
music: love music
today was sooooo uneventful. well the cubs lost the series thats an event, but i honestly dont care that much anymore, watch out for the indians next year! ya but anyways, why do guys have to change everything just to try and get a girl, but girls just sit back and watch us makes an ass of ourselves? doesnt seem fair. oh well ah the things that i would do id rob a quickie mart for you. life is back to mediocre at last, but hang on im cruising for another heartbreak, lol i have so much confidence in myself, ya id like to see you get rejected and have alot of self confidence! oh well seems like ive said that before, hmmm. sooo im just typing to get rid of my boredom now. love line is soo funny. you shouldlisten to it its on the planet(107.1) at 10 on mon.-thur. one time they were talking about this one guy who eats probably dont want to hear that. or any of the other funny stuff taylor and i enjoy on a nightly basis. ahh dr. drew is rapping again thats hilarious. you really should listen. i need to get me some sleep. so well nite nite dont let the bed bugs bite! i have no clue what my mood means yay!
10:22pm 14/10/2003
mood: pissed off
music: the pretty music i make in my head! la la la la la la la
can u believe that fan who reached out and robbed alou of that ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate him if you see him kill him! but anyways today was rather uneventful except erin is going to help me wtry and get this new girl(name unknown [to you at least]) hehe im evil but i let everyone pry into my private life so you will end up knowing soon. allright well im off to kill that fan.
how did i leave this out!   
09:53pm 13/10/2003
mood: dorky
music: taking back sunday(i met them and you didnt!)
the best part of my day and i totally left it out! melissa called me a little cutie! im such a dork, that made my day is that sad?
happy for a change   
09:32pm 13/10/2003
  well today i talked to melissa for a while and got some answers to those questions ive been killing myself over. now im finally feeling better, and i am definetly ready to move on this time. not that i dont still have feelings for melissa because how could i forget about her? but im not hung up on her anymore, and i have feelings for other girls too so i guess i just have to keep looking for the right one, why cant she just find me? ugh girls are so confusing. but i love them so much! stupid me.  
as for now im gonna hear the sadest songs and sit alone and wonder how youre making out.    
01:40am 13/10/2003
mood: indescribable
music: i cant listen to music it all reminds me im soo lonely
i wear this fake smile, and i have this fake additude
to make everyone think i had a great time
when the truth is you killed me
you ripped out my heart and stomped it on the floor
inside im crying but outside im laughing
it hurts me soo much

as i tell you how i feel right now
im begging you to hold me
becuase i cant stop my tears from flowing
their bittersweet taste in my mouth
and all the while my hearts exploding
bursting like a supernova

at the begging of the night i was on a cloud
and you sent me down down down down
i like you more than youll ever know
but you dont give a damn
you said it was nice that i asked
why didnt you say what you meant?
you and will never work out
youre too ugly for me.
is that what you meant when you said i dont know

you were so beautiful tonite
i think i looked worse tahn everyone else there
you and i we danced so close
i never wanted to let you go
i never wanted to step away
why couldnt that slow song go on forever
so i would never have to say good nite

i wrote that last nite just wanted everyone to see it thought it might help a little. ya im not feeling much better, and what i really need to do is talk to matt. he is always there for everyone and hes just a great guy, hes everyones best friend and i cant thank dana taylor and erin enough for helping me out. i really needed you guys and you helped a whole lot thanks soo much. well as for me i need someone to come along and put the back the pieces to my heart so i can get on with my life.
i hate myself   
01:05am 13/10/2003
mood: confused/depressed/lonely/sad
music: bring back the good times (how ironic)
whats wrong with me? i hope everyone reads this. i cant get over melissa, everytime i try and forget about her all i can see is her in my head. god she was the most beautiful girl at the dance, no one even came close to her beauty. i cant forget about her or move on and all i want is to be back there danceing to that slow song with our bodies pressed together. i could smell her and feel her around me and i never want that feeling to go away. i cried my eyes out today more than once. then i looked at my profile and saw matt and my inside joke, ya that happened right before i asked melissa to homecoming so i started to cry again. you now the last time i cried was when my grandma died in 1999 but today i have cried 5 times. why do i feel this way ive never felt it before and i hate it. i just want to move on but my emotions are holding me back, and i know she doesnt feel the same way and it makes the pain even worse. then i get mad at myself for no reason, and i get amd at everyone else and guys im soo sorry for that im just one huge emotional mess. and tommorow is going to be soo horrible because ill have to laugh and tell everyone i had a great time at the dance(which i did) but of course ill be wearing my fake smile with my fake additude and each time i say i had a great timei will feel like throwing up. and when i get home ill probably cry again thats how much it hurts and when i taste my salty tears and when i did my laundry and could still smell melissa on my dress shirt those things just make the pain all the more real. and i cant help but curl up in a little ball on my bed and bawl my eyes out. i have stains on my pillow from puddles of tears. this al lis just so messed up and i try so hard but i cant get that girl out of my mind. i tried writing a song about getting over her, but that doesnt work when i still have all these feelings for her. i still cant understand why she said no, is it me am i ugly? am i un-dateable? am i just not a good person? ive asked myself all these questions millions of times, and no answer fits i have to find out from her. and i know i wont get the truth becuase it seems like all girls can do is send signals that are mixed then not say what they really mean. i hate this soo much and i havent been able to talk to her and get real closure on this or even figure out if anything could ever happen. and you nkow what makes it worse? reading pichettes journal(goto friends hes mattlove) hes so damn happy i hate him for that. but i love that guy because hes such a nice person and when i went to ask melissa to homecoming hes the one who drove me to walmart for flowers hes the one who basically coached me and told me what to do, i was having anxiety attacks around melissa until matt started to help. and then once i got that under control i was fine and got a date and i thought everything was great then of course mixed signals and my stupidity got in the way i asked her out and she said no it was nice and all but i would have rather her just say no flat out and explained why. instead of a round about no with out acctually saying no. god this is so messed up i cant love her but i want to and i cant hate her becuase i love her. please help me.
my life is a mess   
08:54pm 12/10/2003
  well last nite melissa broke my heart, i dont want to explain if you are my real friend you should know my problems hell you probably helped me work through them. the only thing i want to know is why, what did i do wrong? is there something wrong with me? but anyways im trying to move on and sometimes the best person is right under my nose, best friends and the best lovers. ya know sometimes i just feel like giving up, everyday while girls are doing their hair and make-up i have to get my self ready too. i have a fake smile and a fake additude so that no one see the real me. maybe its time i let someone else in, somebody who could help me make me a better person.
but this whole time i fell so heart broken i feel so happy, because im finally getting my guitar! a white epiphone sg-310. god i cant wait to get it. maybe that will help me get over melissa. you know i cant hate melissa or call her a bitch for rejecting me or any of that because honestly she was the nicest anyone has been to me in a long time. the way she let me down was so nice, and i have to thank her for that because if she had been mean about it i wouldnt have felt any better today. i would like to thank dana and erin and taylor for helping me today, you guys are the greatest i dont know what i would do without you. and i would like to say sorry to pillow for leaving so many tear stains on it. i still have feelings for melissa and i hope we can be friends and maybe someday more but if not i just want her to know that she is a great girl and i wish her the best.
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