Slammin' Sammy's daughter, Danielle's journal

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
3:00 pm - it's been a while
hi~ so i have class today... not really looking forward to it, but i haven't had class since last thursday, so i guess i can't complain. i'm going to have to see teddy, and i really hate going to class now, because of him. i had the biggest crush on him before. he invited me to a party of his, and i took him up on his offer and we kissed. the next day he called me. the next day i called him. then the next day was class and he didn't talk to me. and needless to say, we haven't talked since. we said a couple things to each other, but nothing much. before, i thought that something might happen, but they went no where. tooooooo bad, i didn't really care, actually. not like we did anything, anyway.
so i met brandon after that and i really like him. he's cute, he looks like jimmy fallon, he's funny, smart... he works, he has a car, he has his own place... it's just refreshing to not have to carry someone. he likes me and he tells me everyday. he knows about mia... he doesn't really know what to make of my situation, but he's willing to just see where things go.
mia is great.... she's sick, but happy. she pooooooped all over the rug today at my mom's. it was so nasty. all down her legs and on her back and on the rug. she pooped through her pants...... hahaha, that's so gross i needed to share. it's the best when she says momma momma momma....
dad bought my favorite juice yesterday........ nothing is better than v8 splash. it tastes even better with vodka or parrot bay........ yummmmmmmmmm
ok gotta go change another poopy diaper cuz it's getting grosssss! p u

current mood: good
current music: "view from heaven" ~yellow card (who else)

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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
6:29 pm - "Breathing" ~YELLOWCARD
Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight

Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss
I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight

current mood: sleepy
current music: ~yellowcard

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Friday, October 24th, 2003
9:00 am
well yesterday at class was oh so boring. my teacher is completely out of it. whenever someone tells a joke, he just stands there stone-faced. he doesn't crack. but actually yesterday he told someone to shut up and started laughing at what he said, which was funny. i haven't smoked in a long time, probably 2 weeks, which isn't really THAT long, but there was this girl in my class and we had break and she asked if i wanted to go have a smoke with her, and i said okay. i came home after class and my mom was giving me a lecture about this and that. i think i would have been scared or whatever, but i really haven't smoked in a while. it was just the time i did, she smelled me. she said the car smelled like smoke too and i only smoked in there like twice. i just think they are making a big deal of nothing. so what if i have a smoke every once in a while. it's not like i'm a chain smoker who can't quit. plus, i'm 22, they can't really say anything. oh well.... i think that if i really did smoke, it would be hard to kick. it was just something i did before because my friends did. i did it on the weekends and one time, suzi left some in my car after the weekend and i just had the rest of them. i don't buy them.... if someone offers me one, maybe i will..... plus i wanna start working out, and smoking and working out just don't mix. i want to be healthy. i dunno, i just think there are worst things to worry about then me having a smoke once every week...... well whatever, enough about that.
suzi drunk dialed me again last night. so much for i'm only going to go out on the weekends. i knew she couldn't do it. she was like, i drink too much, i need to stop drinking so much. like one weekend suzi bought the lion king dvd and they drank to that movie. yah, i miss seeing everyone everyday and just calling michelle or whoever and being like, "I'm bored, come over." i can't wait til michelle is 21, btw.... we are going to get her WASTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha, it's not til july so we have a while. oh well suzi drunk dialed me last night and she was out of her mind drunk rambling about some guy... i don't know what happened i really don't care. wow, these things i've talked about today are really getting me pissed....
oh well, there are some good news. yesterday the kid from my class ted aka "teddy" (his friends call him teddy... awwwwww) gave me a ride to my car. he told me to go out with him and his buddy to get drinks, but i didn't have any $$ on me, and plus i have mia. on the weekends, it's great. i don't have anything to worry about. if i wanna do something i can, unless i have to work. i really want to get off the 1st, but i keep forgetting to ask and i am trying hard not to call in sick to work. i haven't called in because of bogus reasons, the first time was because i was in the hospital because they wouldn't let me go home and the 2nd time was because i took mia to the doctor and the 3rd time was because i went to the dentist because my tooth hurt bad. i have never felt pain like that before.
anyways mia is feeling better. i wanted to take her to day care today because it is pajama day, but she is going to be gone this weekend and i won't get to see her, so i'd rather have her here so i can play with her and spend some time with her. i need to buy us new winter coats. i haven't had a new winter coat since i graduated high school.... wow, holy 4 years ago. probably when i get jeff's next check and then just put the rest in the bank. mia is going to be minnie mouse for halloween. i tried it on her yesterday cuz ashley was supposed to be home at 3 and i wanted to surprise her, but never came home so then i just let her play a while in it cuz she looked so cute!!!!!!!!! anyways i need to go shower in case i go out tonight! yipee!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: cold
current music: "so far away" ~staind

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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
3:55 pm - getting ready for school
off to school again... the kid, ted, from my psych class asked me to go to a party of his this weekend... for some reason, i'm excited. i don't even really know if he was serious. he was like, "my college friends are all away at school. we need more people to come." oh well, i guess i'll talk to him today and see what's up. i talked to his friend jamie for a bit too. she seems pretty cool. he told her, too, about the party. i talked in class on tuesday. well it was mandatory... little reports. i need to get the syllabus still so i can start doing that project. i have to do some research in the library... i guess i can go on a day that jeff has mia. ick, spending free time in the library is no fun. at least i know where it is! a kid in my class needed directions how to get to the library.... whoops! well i gotta go, mia is getting mad! toodles

current mood: tired
current music: 3 doors down

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Friday, October 17th, 2003
1:49 pm - What I like... and what I don't
WhAt I LiKe
my baby, Mia... actually I love her more than life
boys
carrots with ranch dressing
drinking
drinking a lot
drinking a lot of SoCo
my friend Meghan
my friend Suzie
my friend Amanda
my friend Michelle
sitting home watching movies
kisses
holding hands
sausage pizza with bbq sauce
my sisters
going on vacation
being skinny
going to Northern
seeing Peter
graham crackers
cream of potato soup
hott Puerto Ricans
going to Great America
buy 1 get 1 free sales
tailgating
text messages in the mornings from my friends after a long night of drinking together
drunk dials
Fresca
bbq ribs
pictures
B*U*Z*Z* mmmmmm
shopping when I have money
$1 U call it's at VooDoo
the Chinese midget at Bar Chicago
my friend from DC, Steven
summer
my pool
the Cubs
Pudge Rodriguez (prrrrrr)
Mark Prior (prrrrrrrr #2)
when Tony says PINK TACO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bbq pringles
Chinese food (mmmmm)
warm clothes out of the laundry
2 new voicemails
walking on the beach with a cute boy
being tan
days off
looking forward to someone
kisses #2
going to the Puerto Rican fest and eating yummy food
going to Puerto Rico
when Meghan says "we're friends because we're cute and we like cowboys and we can drink 64 oz of SoCo"
Jeff
my old navy jacket
my momma's chili
cute guys that are cool too
frat boys (yummm)
country music (kenny, timmy, keith urban!)
O-Town
Mel T. from 103.5 Kiss FM


ThiNgs I DoN't LiKe So MuCh
hickeys
having hangovers
getting up early
corn
broccoli
most veggies
most fruits
when boys say no
guys who think they are God's gift
guns
road rage
when people driving flip me off
seeing ex-boyfriends with their new girlfriends
getting my credit card bill or phone bill
ex's who call me for booty calls (WhAtEva)
when Mia pulls my hair
when I burn myself with a cigarette
when my dad tells me to clean
tequila ( i just can't do it!)
having to go to work
having to go to school
taking showers (too much effort! lol)
being hungry
when it says 0 new messages in my email box
spam in my email box
running out of gas
DRAMA
high school and the people associated with it
seeing people from high school and they act like we're old friends (or not)
homework/tests
when the Cubbies lose =*(
when a guy pushes my head down and says "kiss it" (yah, ok, I'll be leaving now!)
breaking my toe
not being able to find my favorite shirt
folding clothes
cleaning my car
bees
being so cold you can't sleep
toothaches =*(
rap music

there's waaaaay more, but I can't think of anything right now!

current mood: weird

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12:37 pm
so today ashley went to florida to see sara. she is super excited and they all tried very hard to keep it a secret so she would be surprised. dad was being nice to me this morning because he wanted me to clean the whole house. as he was leaving, he was like, by the way, clean the bathroom and kitchen and your room and the living room. and do the dishes. when we were younger, whoever cooked dinner didn't have to do the dishes. well i made dinner last night, and here i was this morning doing dishes. it's really not a big deal and really too petty to get mad, but it just sucks when you are doing all the work and no one else does anything.
i took the day off today to hang out with mia before she went to jeff's. i had a dream about jeff last night... or maybe it was just my mind wandering before i fell asleep. i really don't know. but it was one day he came to my house to pick up mia and i just grabbed his face and kissed him. then i woke up cuz i can't even imagine doing that now. he was always a good kisser, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't think of me like that anymore. plus he's got his italian princess =( ew whatever. at least she's not pretty. haha, i'm terrible. sometimes i do wonder what it would be like to be a little family. sorta the way it's supposed to be, instead of the way it really is. like what justin and kourt have. they're not married, but they make the most of what happened and they are just living. as soon as everything happened with me and jeff, it was like he ran right back to her. who knows, they could have been together the whole time. i'll never know. i just always tend to feel like shit whenever he leaves. plus my mom feeds that they play house and when someone says "oh your baby is so cute," she just says thank you. like it's her baby. WELL IT'S NOT. SHE'S MINE, AND SHE CALLS ME MAMA. wowzers, i got that out. sometimes i wanna talk to her, but i figure if i do ever talk to her, i'm just going to want to fight or she's just going to be like "you are nothing to jeff. you never were" which is probably true. i don't know why this guy throws me through loops like he does. sometimes he's so nice and sometimes he's just not. i think when he's nice it makes me wonder what it would be like to date again.... then i get back to reality and think if i even would?! it's too complicated and probably nothing worth spending time thinking about. oh well.
this weekend is homecoming. i can't wait. it's gonna be fun. we're going to bring our mugs and fill them with soco and have jagerbombs and drink all day and all night. i don't really want to drink so much tonight, but i figure i should go cuz kremcarter and suzi really want to go to phi sigs. krem wants to see buzz and suzi wants to see kenny. i'll just go along for the ride, and maybe we'll go somewhere fun after. maybe i'll get to see cute cute derek kalina. he's soooo cute. i lost my shirt in his room. he just gets cuter everytime i see him.
tomorrow is the game. i wonder if we are going to get in a fight with tj's girlfriend. she's a superbitch. i don't want drama like the last time we went up. i think if i see lauren i am going to apologize for whatever i said to her friend. that wasn't nice. i say that sober, but i wonder how it's gonna go down when i'm drunk. i just feel like she has given me a million chances and i f*** them up everytime. oh well.... i just gotta try to remember not to say anything bad when she is there. plus i wonder what's gonna happen when/if i see john. he used to chat with suzi and now when she sees him at the rec, he just says hi and ducks out of there. i wonder what he's gonna say to me, if anything. he's online 24/7 and never says anything to me. i im'd him a couple times and he never responds. i don't know if it is because i have a daughter, or what, but he's a dick for not even being able to be man enough and tell me the reason he doesn't talk to me anymore.
oh well, it will be interesting. xoxoxo

current mood: excited
current music: "what a beautiful mess" ~diamond rio

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12:37 pm
so today ashley went to florida to see sara. she is super excited and they all tried very hard to keep it a secret so she would be surprised. dad was being nice to me this morning because he wanted me to clean the whole house. as he was leaving, he was like, by the way, clean the bathroom and kitchen and your room and the living room. and do the dishes. when we were younger, whoever cooked dinner didn't have to do the dishes. well i made dinner last night, and here i was this morning doing dishes. it's really not a big deal and really too petty to get mad, but it just sucks when you are doing all the work and no one else does anything.
i took the day off today to hang out with mia before she went to jeff's. i had a dream about jeff last night... or maybe it was just my mind wandering before i fell asleep. i really don't know. but it was one day he came to my house to pick up mia and i just grabbed his face and kissed him. then i woke up cuz i can't even imagine doing that now. he was always a good kisser, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't think of me like that anymore. plus he's got his italian princess =( ew whatever. at least she's not pretty. haha, i'm terrible. sometimes i do wonder what it would be like to be a little family. sorta the way it's supposed to be, instead of the way it really is. like what justin and kourt have. they're not married, but they make the most of what happened and they are just living. as soon as everything happened with me and jeff, it was like he ran right back to her. who knows, they could have been together the whole time. i'll never know. i just always tend to feel like shit whenever he leaves. plus my mom feeds that they play house and when someone says "oh your baby is so cute," she just says thank you. like it's her baby. WELL IT'S NOT. SHE'S MINE, AND SHE CALLS ME MAMA. wowzers, i got that out. sometimes i wanna talk to her, but i figure if i do ever talk to her, i'm just going to want to fight or she's just going to be like "you are nothing to jeff. you never were" which is probably true. i don't know why this guy throws me through loops like he does. sometimes he's so nice and sometimes he's just not. i think when he's nice it makes me wonder what it would be like to date again.... then i get back to reality and think if i even would?! it's too complicated and probably nothing worth spending time thinking about. oh well.
this weekend is homecoming. i can't wait. it's gonna be fun. we're going to bring our mugs and fill them with soco and have jagerbombs and drink all day and all night. i don't really want to drink so much tonight, but i figure i should go cuz kremcarter and suzi really want to go to phi sigs. krem wants to see buzz and suzi wants to see kenny. i'll just go along for the ride, and maybe we'll go somewhere fun after. maybe i'll get to see cute cute derek kalina. he's soooo cute. i lost my shirt in his room. he just gets cuter everytime i see him.
tomorrow is the game. i wonder if we are going to get in a fight with tj's girlfriend. she's a superbitch. i don't want drama like the last time we went up. i think if i see lauren i am going to apologize for whatever i said to her friend. that wasn't nice. i say that sober, but i wonder how it's gonna go down when i'm drunk. i just feel like she has given me a million chances and i f*** them up everytime. oh well.... i just gotta try to remember not to say anything bad when she is there. plus i wonder what's gonna happen when/if i see john. he used to chat with suzi and now when she sees him at the rec, he just says hi and ducks out of there. i wonder what he's gonna say to me, if anything. he's online 24/7 and never says anything to me. i im'd him a couple times and he never responds. i don't know if it is because i have a daughter, or what, but he's a dick for not even being able to be man enough and tell me the reason he doesn't talk to me anymore.
oh well, it will be interesting. xoxoxo

current mood: excited
current music: "what a beautiful mess" ~diamond rio

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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
6:41 pm - eh~
so today i had a freakin toothache all day AGAIN. i finally broke down and went to the dentist yesterday cuz it hurt so bad i was crying. i don't know if it was because it hurt or because i took so many pills to make it stop hurting that it was killing me. ash thought that i overdosed. haha, my mom kept watching me cuz she thought i was going to. she was like "no more f*in pills!" my mom called me in sick to work which was nice cuz it hurt so bad, i don't think i would have made it 8 hours like that. i couldn't even see straight. i'm getting my tooth pulled on monday. i was gonna get it today but i had to work, plus this weekend is H*O*M*E*C*O*M*I*N*G!!!!!!!!! yay! i have been waiting so long. this is the best time of year and everyone is in a great mood and just having fun and it is just a D@R#U$N%K fest the whole time. plus if i got my tooth pulled today, i would be doped up on medicine and pain killers, which isn't smart to mix with the ton of liquor i plan on drinking this weekend! hahah, at least i have my priorities straight, right? whatever, i haven't drank in ages.... and haven't smoked in a while. suzi asked me if i wanted to smoke up tomorrow and i said no. way to say no to drugs, danielle! wahoooooo
i'm so very excited for this weekend. especially for me, suzi, meghan, and kremcarter to be together again. we are so fun together!!!!!!! ok, gotta go to class... buh bye

current mood: dorky
current music: "that's when i love you" (i don't know who sings it. whoops)

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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
6:17 pm - if only for a minute
When I think of what went wrong
I wonder how I could mess up something so perfect.
I used to think how I got someone so lovely, so fun, someone who made me happy
I wanted to be your everything, someone you wanted to show everyone
And I felt I wasn't that.
I just wanted more time to become that
Now it sounds so superficial
It was too late.
When I realized what I had, you realized that you didn't want it anymore.
I was always pushing. You were always pulling- away.
We have an angel now
And I went through a period- one day I hated you, and one day I wanted to live our perfect life.
I wanted to move into the house you were going to build me.
We were supposed to live happily ever after.
We were perfect together in the beginning.
Too many lies, not seeing each other enough, just growing apart and becoming two incredibly different people.
At least I am.
I just want to be friends now. Do what's best for our little princess.
I hate that we can't ever be.
I hate that you have someone else on your pedestal.
I hate that you come pick her up and I don't see her for two days.
We should be.
We're goofy, we're fun.
We made each other happy.
If only for a minute.

current mood: sick
current music: creed

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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
8:04 am - ramble ramble
So today I don't work again, days off are great... but then I sit on my ass and do nothing. I have to go return my shoes so I can start working out again and be skinny! oh yay. I thought I had a lot to say today but it turns out they are random thoughts. I was outside this morning and thought of a good "poem" if you wanna call it. I don't know what to call when I write... it's just packed with feeling and a lot of thought. I usually write when I get hurt... boys suck! Oh well..... I'm getting really excited for homecoming up at NIU. I will get to see Peter Kronas and he is always so cute and nice to me. Plus you know I'll always have something special in my heart for him! *wink, wink* I'll never forget the night we were in his room at the VXA and him and Hot Water were singing all the songs to Alkaline. Not singing, rather, YELLING. Well things with me and John are shit, and actually it doesn't bother me at all. I thought that I really liked him, but he was acting weird in the morning. I IM'd him a couple times and he never wrote me back, so I guess that's done. Oh well, surprising, I don't care. It'll be funny if/when I see him at homecoming. That's why I love going back to homecoming, because you see a lot of people you haven't seen in a while. Some you wish you didn't have to see! (ferret lady.) Well I will write more later, cuz Mia is getting mad. toodles~

current mood: content
current music: "american pie" ~don mclean

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Monday, October 6th, 2003
5:58 pm - you knew you grew up in the 80's if....
You know you grew up in the 1980's if . .
You ever ended your sentence with "psych"
You solved the Rubics cube.....by peeling off the stickers
You watched the pound puppies
You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish
You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
You know what 'Whoa' comes from Blossom
Three words: M.C. Hammer
You thought it would be great to have a friend named "Boner"
You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"
You played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long!
You Remember reading Kool-Aid man comics
You ever watched Fraggle Rock
You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike
You remember When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
You wore a pony tail to the side of your head
You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen
You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school
You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side
You had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall
You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
L.A. GEAR
Your mother wouldn't let you have garbage pail kids
You wanted to change your name to Jem in Kindergarten
You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on,Wax off"
You wanted to be a Goonie
You ever wore Florissant, neon if you will, clothing
You wanted to be on StarSearch
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
You took Lunch pails to school
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf
You remember the craze, and then banning of slap bracelets
You still get the urge to use "NOT" at the end of every statement you make
You remember Hypercolor T-shirts
Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band
You remember Punky Brewster
You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up
You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged "friendship bracelets"
You ever owned a pair of Jelly Shoes
After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?"
You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
You know not to mix Pop Rocks and soda (but did it anyway!)
You have played with a 'skip-it'
You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's
You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks
You had a Glow Worm or watched the cartoons
You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian"
You remember Heathcliff the orange cat
You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special
You've gone through this list occasionally saying "That wasn't from the 80's"
You remember Popples
DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wore socks over tights with high-top Reeboks
You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down
MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK.....
You remember boom boxes instead of CD players
You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies
You remember the Transformers
You know what it meant to say "care bear stare!!" and you had a favorite
You remember Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales
You remember watching TV thinking Doogie Howser was hot!
You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Melmac
You remember the large amounts of hairspray used
You remember those very stylish headbands
You remember Vicky the Robot
You remember Eve Garland from Out of this World and how she could stop time by pressing the tips of her index fingers together and talking to her dad through a glowing cube in her bedroom
You remember the beggining of New Kids on the Block
You remember watching The Cosby show
You remember Mr.Belvadere
You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future
You know all the names of the gang from "Saved by the Bell"
You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "shot through the heart" song

current mood: dorky
current music: NSYNC "bye bye bye"

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5:57 pm - the quiz that Suzi filled out about me (4-28-03)
1. My name: Danielle Marie Sosa

2. Where did we meet?: In fourth grade selling milk to the retards at lincoln school.

3. Take a stab at my middle name: Didnt I just say that in the previous one? I would hope i would remember your middle name.

4. How long have you known me?: Well whatever 22-9 is? You do the math. That would be how long I have known you.

5. When is the last time we saw each other?: On friday at our birthday party even though
you were my sober friend.

6. Do I smoke?: Depends on which smoking you are talking about? Also depends on if you are drunk.

7. Do I believe in God?: I think so.

8. When you first saw me what was your impression?: Oh my god, I am in for a never ending ride.

9. My age?: soon to be 22 in 14 days

10. Birthday?:May 12, 1981

11. Color hair?:strawberry blonde

12. Color eyes?: blue, i think, sorry i never really paid attention to your eyes

13. Do I have any siblings?: yea a lot, two sisters, step sister, step brother and two half brothers. Wow that is a mouthful

14. Where did I grow up?: in A-town. Go blazers!!

15. Have you ever been jealous of me?: On yes you skinny bitch. I hate you!!

16. What's one of my favorite things to do outdoors?: drink and lay in your pool

17. What's one of my favorite things to do indoors?:Drink and dance

18. Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?: Hi my name is danielle

19. What's my favorite type of music?:YOu enjoy lots of different music but some of your fav bands are
otown, chevelle, justin and some other alternative bands that i dont know their names.

20. What is the best characteristic about me?:Youre pretty

21. Am I shy or outgoing??:hmmm i would have to say very outgoing on this one.

22. Would you say I am funny ha ha or funny sarcastic?:funny sarcastic

23. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?:I dont think you even know the meaning of rules. What
is a rule?

24. Would you consider me a friend, an acquaintance or a good friend?:I would say a good friend since we
have been through soooooooo much shit together

25. Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie,glam,nerdy, snobby, or something
else?: I would probably call you a lot of things but probably none of these choices.

26. Have you ever seen me cry?:Once and i thought hell was taking over.

27. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be?:hmmmm muzzel, turbo, shut up, drunkie,
unconscious, etc.

28. If I had broccoli stuck in my teeth would you tell me?I wouldnt have to cause you would never eat
broccoli

29. What is the first memory that comes to mind between you and me? There are so many i that come to the top of my head.

current mood: grumpy
current music: J Lo

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5:44 pm - written on Sept.23
Is there anyone out there, cuz it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. So yeah, that is how I feel today…. I don’t really know why I feel stressed…. I just feel like I have a lot on my plate, a lot of things to do. I really don’t though. I think it might just be work, not being able to get the days off that I want. I have a life too. I can work other days, but no, she has to pick and choose which days for me. When I was in DeKalb, they ask you the days you need off, and you work the days that you can and have off the days you can’t. If you say you need the day off, and don’t come… that is their own fault for scheduling you. Here, also, they don’t understand that people with kids need to have a little breathing room. Mia was sick, and I had to take her to the hospital. The next day, I can’t just leave her at day care, as bad and coughing and cranky as she was. That’s not fair to her, or the staff there, or even the other kids there. I asked Alejandro to work for me on Sunday because Mia was really not feeling well. I traded with him for the next day, Monday, and he ended up coming in cuz I called in sick. Oh how sad. He has a wife to help him out. I don’t have that. Jeff has Reggie. God, I hate saying her name. I hate her. No, I don’t know her. I don’t know if I hate her, or if I feel embarrassed, or if I just hate that Jeff lied to me. He made me tell him everyone I dated, liked, even if I had a crush on someone, Yet, he failed to mention that he dated the girl that he said was “just friends” for 3 years. He expects me to just sit and grin on that one. It kills me inside that they play house with my baby. It does make me happy when she does miss me when she is over there. She knows that I love her, and I will do whatever I can to show her everyday that I love her more than Jeff. No, it’s not a competition, but I want her to know that I can be there for her as much as her and his girlfriend can. He has someone to help him out. If he is sleepy, he can have her watch Mia because he didn’t get enough sleep being up with her all night. If I am up all night with Mia, the next day, I have to pray that she takes a long enough nap so I can take a nap too. That usually doesn’t happen. Tonight I have to work overnight and tomorrow too. That sucks, because I have to put her in daycare so I can sleep and waste 66$ a day so I can sleep. I don’t have someone to help me. What Justin and Kourtney have is nice too. No, I don’t know all the details to their relationship. I can’t imagine being in their shoes. It just sucks how different our relationships are. They get pregnant, he is there by her side ALL the time, and Jeff is nowhere to be found. This weekend, she was sicker than a dog, and he not only doesn’t take her to the hospital, but he brings her home early so he can go to a party. Everytime I say something to him like why didn’t you do this or that, it turns into a fight. He is stubborn and I am too. He always makes me feel stupid that I don’t know what I am talking about, and the only time we have to talk face to face, his stupid girlfriend is sitting out in the car waiting for him. What also makes me mad is that everytime he comes to get Mia or drop her back off, she takes him. Does she have nothing better to do than follow Jeff around wherever he goes? Does she have a life? Obviously not.

When I was doing community service up in DeKalb, I would go by their apartment a few times and her car was there all the time except for once. How can you never have anywhere to go or nothing to do? Does she just sit around waiting for her little Jeffy to come home? Another thing that bothers me is that they both moved out of their apartment in DeKalb and moved into Jeff’s dad’s house. How stupid is that? Why couldn’t she go back and live with her parents? Ahhhhhhh I don’t think I’m jealous of what they have. No, definitely not. (I thought about it for a second.) It’s just that it would be nice to for once be lucky in love. That has never happened for me.

I have never been in love. I have never been so wrapped up in someone else, that my well-being doesn’t matter, as long as he is okay. I love Mia more than I have ever loved anyone, but that doesn’t count. She’s not a companion. She’s my daughter. I find myself everyday trying to be better and better for her. I try to give her everything, I try to make her happy. Now she is sick, and there is nothing I can do for her. When I took her to the hospital, the doctor said we just have to give it time. I want her to know that she is going to be okay and that she will feel better. Usually she is laughing and smiling and this past week, she has been whiney and crabby and sad. I hate seeing her like that. It breaks my heart. For the record, Jeff hasn’t called to see how she is doing. His mom did. He brought her home on Sunday at about 12:30 cuz she was too crabby to take out, and he hasn’t called since. I have been by her side day and night and I plan on that for the rest of her life, making sure that even though her daddy is a “fair weather” dad, that I will always love her and so will the rest of our side of the family. I will never forget all the pain and suffering and hatred I feel for Jeff for making me have a paternity test, not to mention the embarrassment. Not to mention not believing that Mia was his and not wanting his family to see her until they got the results. After they got the test results, they want to see her all the time and want to do this and that for her. Whatever. I can’t keep dwelling on this, and will do my best to never let Mia know that. She is an angel. She is my sweetie. She is my life.

current mood: annoyed
current music: The Starting Line

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5:40 pm - I wrote this for Danny and Randy xoxoxoxo
I tried to be strong because you're worth it

I tried not to cry because you never made me sad

Everytime I think of you, all I can do is wonder why God took you away

Why why why

There are bad people in this world, take one of them

Not you

I miss all the times that we called "hanging out"

Now all we have are those memories

Damn, I miss you already

I woke up screaming last night wanting you back here with me

It wasn't your time, you're too young

COME BACK!!!! Please

I would do anything to hear your laugh one last time,

I would do anything to just kiss your lips again.

Are you okay now? Are you going to be watching over me?

Are you sad?

I know you wouldn't want any one of us to shed a single tear

That's not what you were, you were a smile

All I want to do is curl up and cry a million tears

Maybe if God knows that I am sorry for everything, he will give you back.

Come on, let's just go out for a beer

Let's go rent some movies like before

Just hold me one more time

why why why why why

We weren't done enjoying college, we weren't done seeing the world

All the things we coulda would shoulda done TOGETHER

All the times I said I will call you next week, next week

Now I have to pray that you are listening and hope that you are okay.

They said you lived your life as best you can, but who's the judge of that? the one who took it away?



Just know that I miss you and love you and will never forget you. You're my angel now!

The next drink's for you.... here's to the night that we were all characters of the Little Mermaid, and also the night that we played strip poker and I lost all my pants!


to my boys, Danny and Randy xoxoxoxoxox

current mood: drained
current music: "Your Body is a Wonderland" ~John Mayer

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5:05 pm - Good SONG!!!!!!!
Here Without You
3 DOORS DOWN

A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl, there’s only you and me

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4:31 pm - fun in the sun
Okay, so I don't know why I named it that, but it's 65* in October, how nice is that? Anyways, tomorrow is going to be 75* and I have the day off... yay for me. I just thought of Grrrr so that's how random I am. This weekend I went up to Northern to hang out with John. I didn't want to go alone, so I brought Suzi. We had a fun time though, we had a LOT of drama. Now I can use the grrrr. FIRST... I don't know if I should say first, because I was drunk and I don't really remember everything nor do I remember the order in which they happened. We went to The Barn. TJ said he might be there or Stanley's, but townie bars aren't that much fun. So whatever, we went there. TJ and Christy went on a "triple date" or whatever you wanna call it with Josh and "THE BITCH," Erin, and Tara and her boyfriend. ICK, that's all I have to say about that. TJ was telling me at the big party last weekend that he really loves Christy a lot... yah, I care. =( Anyways, so we were at The Barn and Suzi wanted to talk to Christy and tell her that she didn't want to get back with TJ, that she respected their relationship, etc etc, to make Miss Insecure feel better. She doesn't want TJ, she genuinely doesn't. She does, however, want to keep being friends with him. She drunk dialed him one night when she was walking home from AKL drunk, cold, tired, scared, whatever, in a skirt. Yes, it was 4:30AM, but she did call me, Meghan, Tina, yadda yadda.... she just needed someone to talk to. So when Suzi finally got around to talk to Christy, Christy just said to her, "Can you not call TJ anymore, cuz it bothers me!" Whatever, that is all I have to say. TJ calls her too... I guess she was mad because Suzi knew that they were together and I guess she felt that Suzi was stepping on her toes. TJ was trying to explain it, that it was nothing more than friends, and she just needed someone to talk to, but she didn't really care or she is really jealous. I think, more than anything, the girl is just insecure and just needs to know that Suzi and TJ are FRIENDS.... that's it. They talk to each other once or twice a week, just catching up on the week. There is no phone sex or anything like "Let's hang out" or "Let's go on a date." Ahhhh insecure people just erk me. For me, in a relationship, TRUST IS #1. If you don't have trust, you are going to believe that the person you are with is out getting some everywhere else when they go out, or anytime they aren't with you. I don't care if my (non-existent) boyfriend goes out with his buddies, or goes out with girls, just as long as he comes home to me. He needs to be honest up front and say "hey I'm going out with my friend, Sarah" and that just shows that he isn't hiding anything. I guess I'm not really the jealous type... tisk tisk, maybe I am. WeLL, drama scenario #2....... we saw Buddha and jerky Mazer. (I don't know or CARE how to spell it.) So when Mazer saw Suzi he rolled his eyes and said something to Buddha, and Buddha goes, "I didn't say anything, man." Like why did you tell her that we were going to be there, when we didn't even know. Suzi called Buddha earlier to see what was up but he never called her back. She had no idea they were going to be there, and Mazer thinks she's a stalker....... yah, he's a dick anyways.... DRAMA SCENARIO #3 So we saw Lauren.... ew duck and hide, right? Well Suzi and I were in the bathroom and she was like, "No more grudges, let's make amends... let's forget the past and be friends." HELLLLLLLO!!!!!!!! WTF, did I miss something? Coming from someone who practically banned me and did whatever she could to make everyone in the AKL house hate me?!?!? WOAH... so it was super weird for me and we were just talking for a little while...... so I don't know how it happened, but I said something about her friend. I think it was along the lines that she was fat. I said "Dude what's up with"........ something. I don't know, but Lauren flipped out. She was like that girl is my friend, dadada
and Aaron Odor was there too-- from the VXA and we had talked earlier. I guess she was his friend too, and they were going off... so whatever, I went outside I remember. Then the girl I said something about came up to me and was like "you don't even know me and you are talking shit...." and Lauren was like, "she's sucha nice girl" or something, I don't remember too well... whatever, so I apologized and I remember saying "What else do you want me to say, I'm sorry." I kept saying something like I just wanna go home or something. Then I don't know too much, and Suzi pulled me out and we went home. The barn is really close to Suzi's place, so we walked her home and Josh and Erin were right in front of us, that was kinda funny. I guess Erin was crying that night because Josh was being mean to her and not giving her is full attention.... hahahaha, it just makes me laugh how PATHETIC he has become. I feel bad though about talking shit about that girl... I have no room to talk on the "being fat" topic. I would never want anyone to say that about me either. All I can say that it was the alcohol talking and had I been sober, I would have never said anything.... oh God, where was my MUZZLE then? Oh well, you live and learn right? I guess Lauren isn't my friend again! hahaha

current mood: blah
current music: "This one

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4:31 pm - fun in the sun
Okay, so I don't know why I named it that, but it's 65* in October, how nice is that? Anyways, tomorrow is going to be 75* and I have the day off... yay for me. I just thought of Grrrr so that's how random I am. This weekend I went up to Northern to hang out with John. I didn't want to go alone, so I brought Suzi. We had a fun time though, we had a LOT of drama. Now I can use the grrrr. FIRST... I don't know if I should say first, because I was drunk and I don't really remember everything nor do I remember the order in which they happened. We went to The Barn. TJ said he might be there or Stanley's, but townie bars aren't that much fun. So whatever, we went there. TJ and Christy went on a "triple date" or whatever you wanna call it with Josh and "THE BITCH," Erin, and Tara and her boyfriend. ICK, that's all I have to say about that. TJ was telling me at the big party last weekend that he really loves Christy a lot... yah, I care. =( Anyways, so we were at The Barn and Suzi wanted to talk to Christy and tell her that she didn't want to get back with TJ, that she respected their relationship, etc etc, to make Miss Insecure feel better. She doesn't want TJ, she genuinely doesn't. She does, however, want to keep being friends with him. She drunk dialed him one night when she was walking home from AKL drunk, cold, tired, scared, whatever, in a skirt. Yes, it was 4:30AM, but she did call me, Meghan, Tina, yadda yadda.... she just needed someone to talk to. So when Suzi finally got around to talk to Christy, Christy just said to her, "Can you not call TJ anymore, cuz it bothers me!" Whatever, that is all I have to say. TJ calls her too... I guess she was mad because Suzi knew that they were together and I guess she felt that Suzi was stepping on her toes. TJ was trying to explain it, that it was nothing more than friends, and she just needed someone to talk to, but she didn't really care or she is really jealous. I think, more than anything, the girl is just insecure and just needs to know that Suzi and TJ are FRIENDS.... that's it. They talk to each other once or twice a week, just catching up on the week. There is no phone sex or anything like "Let's hang out" or "Let's go on a date." Ahhhh insecure people just erk me. For me, in a relationship, TRUST IS #1. If you don't have trust, you are going to believe that the person you are with is out getting some everywhere else when they go out, or anytime they aren't with you. I don't care if my (non-existent) boyfriend goes out with his buddies, or goes out with girls, just as long as he comes home to me. He needs to be honest up front and say "hey I'm going out with my friend, Sarah" and that just shows that he isn't hiding anything. I guess I'm not really the jealous type... tisk tisk, maybe I am. WeLL, drama scenario #2....... we saw Buddha and jerky Mazer. (I don't know or CARE how to spell it.) So when Mazer saw Suzi he rolled his eyes and said something to Buddha, and Buddha goes, "I didn't say anything, man." Like why did you tell her that we were going to be there, when we didn't even know. Suzi called Buddha earlier to see what was up but he never called her back. She had no idea they were going to be there, and Mazer thinks she's a stalker....... yah, he's a dick anyways.... DRAMA SCENARIO #3 So we saw Lauren.... ew duck and hide, right? Well Suzi and I were in the bathroom and she was like, "No more grudges, let's make amends... let's forget the past and be friends." HELLLLLLLO!!!!!!!! WTF, did I miss something? Coming from someone who practically banned me and did whatever she could to make everyone in the AKL house hate me?!?!? WOAH... so it was super weird for me and we were just talking for a little while...... so I don't know how it happened, but I said something about her friend. I think it was along the lines that she was fat. I said "Dude what's up with"........ something. I don't know, but Lauren flipped out. She was like that girl is my friend, dadada
and Aaron Odor was there too-- from the VXA and we had talked earlier. I guess she was his friend too, and they were going off... so whatever, I went outside I remember. Then the girl I said something about came up to me and was like "you don't even know me and you are talking shit...." and Lauren was like, "she's sucha nice girl" or something, I don't remember too well... whatever, so I apologized and I remember saying "What else do you want me to say, I'm sorry." I kept saying something like I just wanna go home or something. Then I don't know too much, and Suzi pulled me out and we went home. The barn is really close to Suzi's place, so we walked her home and Josh and Erin were right in front of us, that was kinda funny. I guess Erin was crying that night because Josh was being mean to her and not giving her is full attention.... hahahaha, it just makes me laugh how PATHETIC he has become. I feel bad though about talking shit about that girl... I have no room to talk on the "being fat" topic. I would never want anyone to say that about me either. All I can say that it was the alcohol talking and had I been sober, I would have never said anything.... oh God, where was my MUZZLE then? Oh well, you live and learn right? I guess Lauren isn't my friend again! hahaha

current mood: blah
current music: "This one's for the girls" ~Martina McBride

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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
7:44 pm - GOOD SONG #1
Perfect •
Sara Evans •
If you don't take me to Paris • On a lover's getaway • It's all right, it's all right • If I'd rather wear your t-shirt • Than a sexy negligee • It's all right, it's all right • Every dinner doesn't have to be candlelit • It's kinda nice to know that it doesn't have to be •

Chorus •

Perfect • Baby every little piece • Of the puzzle doesn't always fit • Perfectly • Love can be rough around the edges tattered at the seams • But honey if it's good enough for you • It's good enough for me •

If your mother doesn't like • The way I treat her baby boy • It's all right, it's all right • If in every wedding picture • My daddy looks annoyed • It's all right, it's all right • Don't you know that all the fairy tales tell a lie • Real love and real life doesn't have to be •

Repeat Chorus •

You don't mind if I show up late for everything • And when you lose your cool it's kinda cute to me • Ain't it nice to know that we don't have to be •

Repeat Chorus •

It's good enough for me (perfect) • Yeah good enough for me (perfect) • Good enough for me (perfect) •

current mood: blah
current music: SARA EVANS "PERFECT"

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3:00 pm - another day in the life
So today wasn't so bad, except having to get up at the ASS CRACK of dawn to go to work. Surprisingly I was in a good mood. Made a few people smile, so I guess that's what I'm here for, right? I went up to Northern yesterday to pick up my stuff. I wanted to get my charger so I could call John. If he wants to come with me to Purdue, I will be sooooooooo about it!!! That would be so fun. That's what kinda got me looking forward to going thinking that he MAY come. I haven't even talked to him since Saturday, but still, we had a cool connection and all we did was kiss!!! pervs. Anyways, I saw Suzi and her roommates for a bit. The roommates didn't seem to care one bit that Mia was there too. I don't know, I guess I am just used to people ooohing and ahhhing and oh she's so cute over her. (which she is *wink, wink*) Suzi loves her and that's all that matters. Meghan made her a book of all the pictures she has of her and is going to give her on her first birthday. awwwwww my friends are the best. I love them to pieces. I have a few really good friends rather than a ton of people who could give two shits about me. I have two best friends, Suzi and Meg aKa, One Way and Fish Sticks, both names made on the day of Danny and Randy's funeral =*( Suzi has been my friend since 4th grade minus the year that we didn't talk. We just don't count that. She is my best best best friend, she is my soulmate, she knows what I am going to say before I say it, she knows how I think, she knows what I like, she knows all my family and I hers, etc etc. I was thinking about what I would do if she died (after Danny and Randy's funeral) and I was about in tears.... I don't even want to think of my life without her. Meghan is my other best friend. She was Amanda's roommate, my supposed best friend- Amanda. Meghan and I met and instantly clicked and just have been going strong ever since. We just like being together and making each other laugh. Well I gotta cut it short, Mia is waking up!!!!!!!!!!! Toodles!!!!!!!!! xoxox

current mood: sleepy
current music: simple plan

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
2:30 pm - eh...
Today was weird... kinda in a good mood. I worked today and then picked up Mia. We came back here and just played and now I'm writing this. I don't know why I'm in a good mood. I don't want to go to class today. It's so weird how when I look at Mia, everything in the world seems right. If I'm angry and I see her, she just smiles away saying "mamamamama" and I can't help but feel better. She is my life and world. I am married to her, but there's just a piece missing, because there should be a boyfriend/husband too. Not that she isn't great and I don't mind spending time with her. It's just that there is a piece that is missing. Like the other night when John and I were snuggling. He stayed with me until I had to go home and that was nice. Plus he smells good! =)~ prrr It's weird that I have no idea if he had a good time on Saturday but I have been thinking of him all day everyday since.... I need to get my phone back so I can call him. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!! xoxox John!

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