[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, August 25th, 2004|
hey guys, man today seemed as if it went on forever, first of all I went to bed with a headache last night and I woke up with it this morning blah! Then I was running a lil late for worka nd I forgot my lunch AGAIN so I was mad about that, I dropped Kaleb off and went to work, it was super slow today we saw 4 patients then I had to file all the lab and pathology stuff that was like months behind, so that sucked! So for lunch Yolanda, Latrez and I went to the mall and ate at the food court, I had an awesome baked potato, then we went back and did more filing until it was time to go home and so I went and got Kaleb and headed to church where we had really good chicken fried steak with mashed potatos, green beans and salad it was BOMB! lol...yeah I am a fat girl haha! So not too long after I ate Brad go tthere and Claduia took Kaleb to the nursery to play and I sat and talked to Brad while he ate dinner, poor guy he looked so tired, he works his butt off for us...he really is a great guy and he is always offering to help with stuff, like he cleans the floor in the fellowship hall every wednesday night, I just love that about him, he has such a kind heart, but he just sucks when it comes to commitment...lol...but other then that he is good! So after church we went to Tonys and Brad and I hung out in the living room alone with Kaleb and spent some time together, I kept telling him he could go hang out in the OU room with the guys and he was like no its ok I want to spend time with you since I havent got to all week and I thought that was real sweet. After that I just came home and now I need to get off here so I can call brad and say goodnight like always! Later ya'll!
Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: Kaleb is sleeping, no music!
|Monday, August 23rd, 2004|
Talk about a wake up call...
Ok so I get up this morning tired as hell and I am walking through the living room and I happen to look down and what do I see? A SPIDER as big as 1/2 dollar bill, I mean that thing was huge and so I run and get a shoe and try to squish it but its fast and I cant catch it, so I go get some cleanign spray from the kitchen cabinet and start sprayin the crap out of it andit keeps running so I am like all freaked out and I hurry up and get dressed get kaleb dressed and leave, I was so frantic about the stupid spider that I forgot to eat breakfast and I also forgot my lunch grrr...yeah so after that my day wasnt so bad, it was super slow at work we only saw 4 patients I think, but we also had some crazy stuff happen...ok so sandy and I were like standing in the hallways talking to Dr.Saha and I look over and Dr.Woodward is just shaking, I mean like convulsions type shaking and so I asked him if he was ok and he said yeah I think so I am just really cold so we got his labcoat for him and took his BP and it was a little high but nothing too serious and while we were gone to lunch he got worse so Saha took him to the ER and they admitted him, they think he has an infection in one of the stints from his open heart after his heart attck a couple months ago. So that was my drama for the day, maybe we will go check on him tomorrow. I was so excited to have a bunch of scrubs given to me today by one of Maries friends (Brads mom), there were some very cute ones indeed! LoL but I talked to Brad on my way home from getting Kaleb we had a good talk and he was being real sweet, I love it when we are getting along because it really makes things so much better, I love him so much, I just hope things work out in the end ya never know though. My friend Jaci got back from camp yesterday I cant wait to get to see her she has been gone all summer and she wants to see how big kaleb has gotten. Well I need to get to bed so I guess I will write more tomorrow! Goodnight!!
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Kaleb is sleeping, no music!
|Sunday, August 22nd, 2004|
Today wasn't all that bad, I went to go see my mom and stayed there and visited with her and my brother and sister, Kandy was there too, I am not so sure about her, I mean she is a nice person but I just dont like the whole situation with her and mom, thats just not my mom or at least the mom I remember but I guess people change over time, and its definantly been some time, but if thats what makes her happy then fine but I just wish she wasnt worried about being with anybody and she would just worry about getting out and taking care of her business and catching up on all the time she missed out on with us kids and kaleb. I am just ready for her to be out so I dont have to go around all those people who act like the life they are living is normal and its so much fun or something, I just dont understand them I guess...I am just sick of all of them and reday for mom to be away from them too. She needs to get out and get on her feet and become a real person again ya know? Well after I left there I came back home for a lil while and hung out till it was time to go to church and I left for church at about 6:30 and got there and played with Kaleb and Colton in the nursery for a lil while till it wsa time for church to start and then I sat outside the chapel on the bench with allison and we had a long talk about my relationship with Brad and she understands and can relate to alot of it because she is going through the same thing with Danny, but yeah so it was good to be able to have someone to talk to about it. So after church was out I went and got kaleb and then we stood around and talked like usual and then we migrated outside and talked some more like always then they decided where to go eat and everyone started living and Brad asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that I was going to go home and he said ok so he put Kaleb in the car and we stood out side the car and talked for about 45 minutes and actually didnt fight, just talked about what we were going to do about dividing time up with Kaleb since I am not going to school at night anymore, we have to take turns having him at night since we both work during the day. I told him I would get back with him on that one because I wasnt sure what I wanted to do exactly. Ad we talked about soem other random stuff and he decided he was going to hurry and go eat and then go to Tonys office to make the copies of child support proof that I need to send to DHS. I told him to call me because I was going to go to bed around 10:30...lets see if that actually happens...well guys thats about all I have to say LATER
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Kaleb is sleeping, no music!!
I'm feeling lazy today
So I woke up at 7:45 to my alarm since thats what time I get up on sunday mornings to get ready for church and I just wanted to sleep, so I called Brad at about 8 and asked him if he was going or not and he said man I still have another hour to sleep I dont know and I said well you told me to call you in the morning and you would know and so he said no i'm not gonna go and so I said ok I am going back to sleep I will talk to you later 'click' then Kaleb woke up at about 9:30 wanting to play so I got up changed him and we went into the living room to watch cartoons and I finished up on my laundry, It seems like I was doing laundry forever since thats what I spent most of the day doing yesterday but now I feel much better since its done. I really need to go get in the shower so I can be ready in time to leave to go see mom, but I dont need to be there till 2:30 and sometimes they dont even get there till almost 3! I really would rather not go today but I have to take this picture thing to another lady up there, I wish I wasnt so nice sometimes, because then I get stuck doing stuff I dont always want to do lol...I just laid Kaleb down for a nap and he played in his bed for a lil while and then just fell asleep, so I better go jump in the shower while he is still sleeping so maybe I can get ready in peace lol yeah right...I might write more later tonight and you never know maybe you will get to read abuot another juicy fight with Brad haha later guys
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: All I need-Bethany Dillon
why do I deal with this crap???
Ok ya know, I am soooo sick of his dumbass. He always says one thing and does another, like tonight we were supposed to do something just me and him and dad was going to watch Kaleb for me, so I tell him to call me after he gets done with is yardwork and he does, he says I am going to eat dinner at my moms so I will call you when I get done eating, an hour passes by and he calls to ask me if I will meet him to get some diapers for Kaleb and I say I thought we were going to do something? He says well I am going to take my family to the movies, and then of course I get all pissed off and tell him fine whatever this isnt the first time you've blown me off. And then he really has the nerve to ask me to go with him and his family after I am all pissed off just because he is feeling guilty. I tell him no I am not going to do that I would rather stay home and so I did. He wanted to know what I wanted to do about the diapers so I said that I had enough to get me through till he was out of the movie and he said ok so I will just bring them over after its over and hang out for a lil while but I am not staying long. and I say ok...so I watch Secondhand Lions with dad and this other movie that is stupid and he finally shows up at 12:35 knocks on the door with diapers in hand and says here ya go. I hear that his truck is still running some already being pissed at him gets even more pissed and so I get major attitude with him and we start to fight and when he leaves he is acting funny doesnt even want to hug me and then just walks away and says I guess we'll see you tomorrow sometime, I say whatever and am still griping about the no kiss barely hug thing and he says i'm tired so I wont be at church in the morning and wakls away to get in the truck not even a bye or screw you, so I being the bitch that I am say yeah bye to you too fucker and slam the door. That pretty much sums up my night of drama...2 in a row this could be going somewhere...yeah it is right down the drain...thats ok maybe I will find me a cute doctor now that I am working at the hospital :)
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Kaleb is sleeping, no music!
|Saturday, August 21st, 2004|
My first entry
ah the wonderful life of being a mom, this is the only reason I am up at this time! Man do I miss the days I used to spend saturdays sleeping till noon because I stayed out all night party'n....ok well the only part of my life then that I miss now is the actually getting peaeful sleep, the drinking and drugs are no longer part of my life and thats something I am OK with, they weren't taking me anywhere anyways, I have better and more important things to look forward to in life. Although some days I just want to throw in the towel and say i'm done because I cant handle the stress. Dont get me wrong I love Kaleb he is my life and I would never do anything to harm myself for the simple fact that I know I need to be here for my son. But man when it comes to my relationship with Brad it seems like I am stressin all the time, why cant he want what I want? I dont understand, it's been a year and 1/2 and he still 'doesnt know how he feels' I mean come on he knows but he is afraid to open up to me for some reason like he doesnt trust me with his feelings but yet I pour out my heart to him and trust him fully with what I tell him, why cant it be the same for him to me??? There are so many things I just dont understand about him. Last night we had a fight that turned into another one of our talks about feelings and commitment which by the way happens at least once a week. He is always so wishy washy and I never know what is going to happen I just dont see why he thinks if we are together I am going to need more time with him then we already spend which by the way is most of our free time. HELLO! He knows how I feel and thats what sucks, I wish I could take back all the things i've told him sometimes because he doesnt deserve to have my heart and he does...but like I told him last night I feel like he wears my heart under his feet and just walks all over it most of the time. He knows that I am not dating anyone else nor have I...granted I have talked to a guy we'll call him Bob, I really thought I want diggin this guy and when I talked to him he really made me take my mind off of thinkin about the way things will work out with Brad so I was excited and I told Brad straight up that I was going to go on a date with this guy and of course he was ok you do what you feel like you need to do so I did, we didnt even go anywhere he came to my house really late one night and we watched the sunrise together and ate breakfast it was amazing and I was totally into Bob and you know me I had to tell Brad about it, and I even told him we kissed! Man was he jealous, then all the sudden that night when he came over he wanted to talk about us and our relationship so I was like ok and we talked and he actually decided that he wanted to be together and I was like ok but is it going to be different this time? So I just totally blow Bob off because I am finally getting what I wanted, and then 2 months later we end up at his house having this conversation about feelings yet again and I asked him why he couldnt tell me he loved me and he said 'because I dont' and that did it, I decided right then that I was in a meaningless relationship that was obviously going nowhere, so I broke it off and I think he was shocked because I have always wanted us to be together but he never cam commit and when he finally does I break it off, it was so hard and I cried for a few days but I just tld myself that I had to be strong and thats how I got through it. I cant help the way I feel, I love Brad more then any man in the world (besides God) and he just cant seem to see what he is missing out on. I am so afraid that if I move on he is going to want me and so stupid me just keeps waiting around because I want us to be a family so bda, he is a great father to kaleb and Kaleb loves his daddy very much but I just hope that maybe someday we will be the family I always dream about...until next time.....
Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Martina Mcbride-How Far