| E T E R N A L S A D N E S S |
[17 Aug 2003|03:29am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Superman - Eminem |
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But sometimes I get sad...
Does it mean I'm depressed?
I'm not sure, but lately, when I should be happy... I'm not.
Like right now, I'm thinking, why the fuck am I writing all these meaningless words? Whats the use? will it make me happy? No, they won't, yet I write on. writing nothing.
I don't know whats important anymore. I feel so out of place. I want something, but I don't know what. Its like I have a longing for something... I just can't figure out what it is.
What do I want?
why? why do I want it?
Its tearing me up inside. I hate being uncertain.
fuck all of it, huh?
I don't know what to do anymore.
Crying seems to be the only thing I'm good at right now.
Shall I cry myself to sleep again? I don't want to.
Eyes hurt.
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| With this tear... |
[17 Aug 2003|03:08am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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With This Tear - Celine Dion |
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I'm crying.
All it takes is a couple bad thoughts... a couple of bad memories, and here I go. I'm sucked into a spiral or regret and sadness.
If I could touch the sky I would. If I could fly away to a quiet island.. I would. My body fills with pain as I think back to when I was young and innocent, too innocent actually.
I was shielded from violence, and realness. Its taken its toll on me. And somedays all I can think about is if I didn't exist. What would "it" be like if I wasn't around? Could I be happy, not "being?" How would life go on? Would life exist?
Its an enigma, am I willing to solve it?
I don't have a sure answer. Should I be sure? Whats right? and what is wrong?
Who makes these rules??
WHY?
Why do we question things? I wake up confused, and I cry myself to sleep many nights, regardless of whether I am happy or not.
When am I ever truly happy? What is happiness? Is it something I have had? can I touch happiness? I don't think its real.
I long for things that aren't real, or at least don't seem possible.
I long for love. Can I ever find it? or am I forever lost, and lonely?
I don't want to be lonely. Its scary.
I want to be promised love. Just to feel good inside.
When was the last time I felt good? I don't know.
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| Understanding Me |
[17 Aug 2003|02:54am] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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Why Should I cry - Heather Headley |
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I think, that M was inviting me to a "party." Oh god, just thinking about going to a place, filled with the people I dreaded in high school.... makes me want to throw up. I didn't understand my younger teenage years. And I think high school screwed me up, a lot. I felt so out of place. And like I was so different from everyone. Why though? I was brought up in a regular household. I wasn't neglected, or abused. I was just normal. But I know for a fact, that there is something wrong with my social skills. I just can't seem to interact well with people my age. I feel horrible about it, but it hurts too because I don't know how to deal with it. I can't even carry a decent conversation with people my age. I don't think that its because I don't have anything to say, or even that we don't have anything in common. Its because I am too afraid to say anything. I can't imagine being surrounded by people that I hate. GOD I can remember high school. I can remember the snotty people, and their stupid views of what perfection was. Perfection.. HA! They are so stupid, and I just hope that one day they realize that the fucked up other peoples "memories" of high school. I hated almost everyday of school. I lost friends, got new ones.. I got hurt, and never had a boyfriend. Why???? Was I too fat?? was I too ugly???? was I not popular enough???? Why the fuck why???? I hate everyone from highschool. I hate you. I hope you guys know that. I really fucking hate you.
Inconsiderate people.
Stupid ingnorant people.
I hurt everyday, thinking about the assholes. I was affected in many ways by rude girls and assholes... even though I did nothing to them. I felt like I was never good enough for them. Why? Because You guys never gave me a chance.
Yep, all it took was a little chance, and then you could have seen how nice I was, and how kind and sweet I was. I was a good girl.
And now, I'm different, I'm better. HA! I'm better than you guys.
I know what the world is like. and I am not afraid anymore. I know more now...
I'm me now.
No one is going to change me... not anymore.
Andrea is here. And I could give a fuck about what you guys think of me anymore.
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| Well Well Well... |
[14 Aug 2003|02:45am] |
Oh my god... I sure had a fun time this evening.. LOL... First M picked me up to go to the movies, and so we were there.. waiting to go in... he ran into a friend from when we were in school... Boring boring... and then we got to go into the theater... hehe. I was pantie-less... :D It was a rush... Right away he started feeling me up and stuff. God I felt so good...
and then at one point I accidently made a noise.. a pleasurable one, LOL. At that point I realized that It wasnt' a good idea that he actually "please" me right there.. so we waited... :D
Only to be met by COCKBLOCKERS! lol (thats how he put it) Erm. We had pulled over at a pretty secluded road, and didn't think anyone was around, so we messed around for a goood hour and a half. It was so satisfying. I felt him all over me, and I just didn't want him to stop... It felt so nice. And then after a while of "me" time, I got on over to him... and I feel bad because he didn't actually get to cum. He was close to it... but this is where the cockblockers come in....
Some guys that know him happened to be driving by where we were. And they naturally pulled over to see if he was okay, but then quickly realized that he wasn't alone, lol. And they were bugging us. They wouldn't even leave
damn, I'm too tired... I'm going to sleep... I'll finish this tomorrow :D
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| Getting Excited! |
[13 Aug 2003|05:41pm] |
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mood |
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 naughty |
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music |
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Have you Ever been in Love - Celine Dion |
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Hehehehehe I'm going out with M tonight. I have the biggest smile on my face, and I am getting so giddy. lol. It should be sooo much fun. I think I've been so eager about ti all day long. I even woke up thinking this morning...thinking... oooh! M! I wanna see him so much. I really really can't wait.... *dreams a little more* ahhh.
We're going to see SWAT at 9:45PM ..
I can't wait...
*does hair*...
and gets all dressed up... ^^
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| Wow |
[13 Aug 2003|12:16am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Celine Dion |
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Ever feel depressed? Well I do. It just hits me when I realize that not everything is what it seems. This has nothing to do with M. but it does involve him. I mean, I care so much for him. But I feel bad for other things. What am I supposed to do? How did I get into this situation??? I need to just listen to myself... and not worry about others. I've fallen for M. I think he feels something towards me too. I hope everything stays this "happy."
Its 12:15AM and I feel so... blah.
I should go to bed...
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| awww |
[12 Aug 2003|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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music |
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I Wish I wasn't - Heather Headley |
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He called me just a little while ago.... He's so sweet. Erm, he said he was going to go for a little "drink" with his friends when he gets out of work. o_0 I don't know about that, but its something he enjoys doing I guess, so.... Its not my place to say anything. lol I don't drink... I really don't know anything about drinking.. I mean when I think about alcohol, I imagine waking up the next day, remembering nothing, and feeling not so good. What's so fun about that? Yeah maybe it loosens you up, and you feel good, but its a false feeling, its all made up...just to be ruined by life... that is real. I don't want anything fake. So... no drinkie for me... :D
Erm, thats philosophical andrea for ya... oi.
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| I'm back ^^ |
[12 Aug 2003|06:55pm] |
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mood |
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mischievous |
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music |
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Hit me with your best shot - Pat Benetar |
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Its about 6:50PM and I'm all alone at home. This sucks.. I have no one to talk to and I have to wash the dishes, lol.
nah, my kitty cat is keeping me company (he's trying to walk across the keyboard as I type....*fwaps the cat*
Well. I'm bored. oooooh! I forgot, M is going to call me tonight after he gets out of work. I can't wait. I think last night when we talked it was almost 2 hours. lol. It seems like a long time to be talking to someone, but when you're actually on the phone it doesn't seem like hardly anytime whatsoever. lol
I guess we were talking about wednesday (tomorrow) since we're so excited about it. I know I can't wait. :D I'm hoping to be very happy in the movie theater :D :D lol, I just can't wait... oh yeah, and after the theater.. we should be having lots of fun too. *dreams about it*
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| Hmm. |
[12 Aug 2003|06:23pm] |
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mood |
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 jubilant |
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music |
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Just a Little Sign - Helloween |
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Well I started up a new journal. I guess 'cause the other one seems a little old and out of date. I'm going to try and post more in this one. I know of at least a couple of people that will read it, I hope to give them something interesting to read. ^^
Where to begin, well It can start with the day I went on the first "date" with M. He's so cool. He's exactly the same as I remember him from when we were younger, yet he's a grown up now. I was afraid at first of what he may think of me...being that I look pretty different from 6 years ago. I think he looks exactly the same, except taller, lol.
Well anyways, we went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean, and it was cool. I thought it was so cute how he kept on trying to put his arm around me, but then he would get scared, lol. After a while, he finally did get his arm around me, it was so nice. LOL, he even started to feel around... hehe. He did get his hands on something ^^ It felt good He said he liked touching me and stuff. Although we didn't get that far, lol, but it was cute nonetheless...
We ended the night akwardly, with just a goodbye and me jumping into my car, but we made up for that by going to Great America a couple of days later. Which was sooo much fun.... after we left the park...
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