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Thursday, June 10th, 2004
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1:28 pm - My brain is fuzzy.
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I have a small feeling that I took just a little too much cold medicine.
Not that I mind.
Being woozy always beats sad, depressed, crying and sick.
Man, this beggining of the summer cold is kicking my ass.
I always dread the begining of the summer because I can always count on getting sicker then I had ever been before.
Its the only constant in my life.
The Cran is home now.
And shes moving her hoodlum friend in with her.
I'm buying a lock for my room.
Dads mental state=slim to none, he no longer has a mental state, his mind is gone.
Really worried about him. :(
Gonna go get back to "work"
"work" right now is scanning the internet for endless amounts of useless knowledge.
it works for me.
current mood: woozy
current music: Finch.
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004
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9:38 pm
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Goal=Contentment
News Flash:
DSPELL @ Penny Arcade - July 18th..look out for it.
No new news, Just working, killing brain cells and looking for love in all the wrong places.
current mood:  blah
current music: None - Watching Wet Hot American Summer
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| Sunday, June 6th, 2004
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5:02 pm
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Very Productive day.
I like life.
current mood:  good
current music: greatful dead.
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| Saturday, June 5th, 2004
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9:10 pm - It's been awhile..
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45 hours a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year.
Thats how much I work.
I am officially out in the "real world".
Or thats what they tell me.
For the record:
It sucks.
I would give anything to be that carefree, irresponsible, pothead kid again.
Sure, the pothead thing stuck, but hey, you gotta have something to get you through the day.
Such a sad life, boo for me.
I've lost contact with quite a few people in the past couple of months.
My Life=Work and dealing with my families issues.
Its a handful.
Im as worn out as a 37 year old women with a kid under her belt.
Full-time Job.
Part-time Mom.
Full-time Daughter.
The funny thing is that i'm only 18 and have never actually "bore" a child myself.
I am a part time mom to my fucked up little sister.
The little girl that has torn our family apart in little under two weeks.
It would be fair to say I have some resentment towards her right now.
I keep that to myself.
On the slight chance that someone is reading and they are a book fan this I have a book to reccomend.
A million little pieces by James Frey.
Its a great book, I felt the need to give it some free advertising.
Remeber, Its the thought that counts.
For old times sake.....LATER DAYS!
current mood:  cynical
current music: Smile Empty Soul & Doubledrive (stuff with little depth)
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| Sunday, March 28th, 2004
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7:52 pm - When you are miserable know that I am just fine.
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Tonight is angry ass music night. I have so much hatred towards so many things right now. It seems like all the world does is shit on me. FUCK IT ALL, FUCK THIS WORLD, FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR. Random song quote.
All my life consists of is work and drugs. I am sick of it. The work thing is something I cant get out of so i guess i will just have to change the drug situation. I like how I feel without the drugs now..i like feeling angry, that must sound really weird but i dont care. I've come to realize that I dont need anyone but myself, just me myself and I. I found the most genuine person I have ever met, i truly love him but its too hard. He lives 7 hours away and I need someone here. I cant pretend that just loving him and him loving me is all i need. Its just not enough, sure, the road trips would help but I need someone here all the time. Who am I kidding. I love him..i truly do, but its too hard. I am not in the state of mind to be hurt again..we'll see what happens. Blah, life is such a joke sometimes.
Its like god is sitting there just thinking "What can I do to make Jessie hate life even more?"
This is it for now. later days.
current mood:  angry
current music: Slipknot, Mudvayne, Powerman
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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9:14 am - Work, all of the time..
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Yet again, here I sit, at work. This place has become my second home, and not by choice. I have a doctors appointment today to see if this medicine is helping me any, which it is. Im still trying to decide if the reason I am so happy lately is because of a. the medicine b. me not being friends with a few people anymore or c. eddie. It very well could be a combo of all three we'll see what happens.
This weekend I am going down to Geneseo to visit Brian, woot woot! This should be great fun.
Other than that my life is dull..I had to switch gas stations because I got hit on by this older cuban guy and he heard me telling my co-worker about it. I am officially starting a petition to remove all speakers and microphones from gas pumps. They cause nothing but trouble.
This is it for now...LATER DAYS!
current mood:  giddy
current music: None, the office is silent.
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004
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8:26 am - Life is amazing!
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Its been a long time since i have been able to say that and truly mean it. My good luck charm makes me oh so happy!
42 more days and than i finally get to see him. I can't wait, its gunna be wicked great!!
My daddy left for china today and you know what that means...NO AUTHORITY FOR 2 WEEKS!
Muahahahaha chaos will be caused, every room in my house will be baked and many drugs will be done.
It really sucks that I have to work everyday b/c hes gone though. Blah two full weeks stuck in an office all day.
This is gonna be an uber short entry cuz I have to head off to work soon...blah..really blows.
LATER DAYS!!!
current mood: cheerful
current music: Mindless and Lords of Acid
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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3:08 pm - Keep On Keepin On!
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Work* all of the time..
The Story of my life.
I'm not used to this shit man. I usually have a few days off every now and again but no, b/c my dad is going to china to visit some green card seeking broad and his secretary wont drive in the snow..I get dicked over. Today, St. Patty's Day, was supposed to be my one day off and I was gonna wear my "Irish whiskey makes me frisky" shirt and possibly get drunk, but because there was snow on the ground..I was roped in. Poo to work..Poo to being all growed up. I wanna be a kid again and have no responsibilities. :( Oh well, Im just gonna have to suck it up and stop being such a baby about it. I guess there is always weekends.
On to more exciting things..I've been talking to a wicked cool guy from long island. He's really cute and really sweet, DAMNIT why can't thier be guys like him around here. Thier a dying breed. Anyways, Mish and I are taking a road trip to go and see him at the end of April. Thats a 6 1/2-7 hour drive right there folks..its gonna be loooong trip. But its definatly gonna be well worth it considering I get to meet Eddie :) Hes wonderful, its a damn shame we live so far apart.
Anyway thats about all thats new in my life right now besides smoking massive amounts...
LATER DAYS!
current mood: jubilant
current music: Hoobastank
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| Friday, March 12th, 2004
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9:10 am - In hell...
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a.k.a. Work
Things are wicked awesome! Woot, Woot! I haven't been in a constant good mood in over a year! Its feels good to be good again. Sure, I still have my moments of being emo and depressed but its not nearly as close to how I was. Its either the new anti-depressents I am on or the absence of negative people in my life, or a combination of the two. My dads leaving for china in about a week! YES! The entire house to myself for two whole weeks, life is grand. The car is now fixed, which set me back about a grand...kinda sucks considering I got that car for free...I should have just stayed with my beloved Bertha. She never gave me any problems. I guess Fred will have to do for now.
More on the subject of my father going to china:
The reason he is going to china is to meet this chick. He's been talking to her online for 3 years I guess..and he loves her..blah blah blah..cant say i havent heard that before. Keep in mind this is not the first person he has met offline..He moved this other chick all the way from Long Island to Rochester. Luckily though she turned out to be wicked awesome, but of course my dad had to fuck that relationship up too. Im just saying that if he moved this lady from china to here, Im moving out. She seems like a decent enough person, but i know how my father is with women, and lets just say hes not good with women. Plain and simple.
I really have no idea what else to say besides I have met some really cool people in the last week, and had really good times with a few "old friends"
This is it for now..
LATER DAYS!
current mood: happy
current music: Nothing right now, but soon to be Ben Kweller
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2004
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12:56 pm - To set the record straight.
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Chris-The lewd gesture was not directed towards you, it was directed to the person who didnt have the balls to call my cell phone herself to ask for michelle. The things I have been talking about have not be directed towards you. It is directed to Greg and Emmy, and you pretty much just go along with everything they do so..I will comply to your request to not even agnowledge you if i see you. Im moving on and I dont need this petty, self destructive shit anymore. You all obviously dont see how much what you do or what you say affects people, even if you are really just joking. I can try to explain myself over and over again but I dont think that you are going to understand. Im much happier now that I dont have people trying to break me down on a regular basis. Oh, and I can write whatever I would like in my online journal. Its my first amendment right.
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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4:41 pm - My heads pounding..
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I hate headaches..
Today, I started back on anti-depressants..Hopefully they'll kick in soon and I won't have to deal with these goddamn mood swings and anxiety attacks anymore. Therapy is going to be starting back up again too..this should be interesting..Um..what else has been going on...NOT A DAMN THING! I have been bored out of my mind the majority of the time. I made ammends with the one person that I should have listened to from the beginning..you were right buddy. I also shared my feelings with a few people that I have been disgruntled with lately. I dunno if things will ever be patched up, and to tell you the truth, right now, I dont know if I want them to be patched up. It just seems like the same old shit over and over again..its exausting. I need real friends that will actually be there not only for the good times but the bad times too. I just went through one of the most stressful weeks in my entire life and there were really only two people there. The rest of you didn't want to "deal" with me. Maybe you all just can't understand me, it takes patience people...which is one thing you all dont have. Dont get me wrong, I am not a patient person, im not implying that I am, but i do have the patience to listen to a friend and help them out no matter how neurotic or how much they're overreacting. You all can have fun living in your perfect little world..I'd rather not be a part of it until y'all get a clue. You say you understand and you see whats going on, but your eyes are wide shut. Now i'm concentrating on surrounding myself with people that dont break me down and hurt me.
Top 5 Bands as of right now
1.Lords of Acid
2.Mindless Self Indulgence
3.Hoobastank
4.Jack off Jill
5.Moe.
:+:ATTENTION:+:
My life is a never ending techno dance party so if you ever want to join, just holler at me.
Well I think thats about it for today..My head is pounding so its time to lay down.
LATER DAYS!
current mood: chipper
current music: Hoobastank-The Reason
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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4:46 am - Severe case of Insomnia.
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Its 4:30 am, and I have to work at 9..this can't be good.
I think my cat has been smoking crack behind my back.
You would think that the alcohol I drank last night would have me passed out cold, but no..I have to wake up in the middle of the night and drive myself nuts with my own thoughts.
My world is a troubled place. This whole constant anxiety thing isn't working out. I worry about everything, all the time. I gotta talk to my doctor about this shit.
Theres millions of thoughts running through my head but I cant keep them straight long enough to type them..this is it for tonight.
current mood:  awake
current music: A Perfect Circle.
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004
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3:58 pm - Here I sit at work...
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The lighting in here is really starting to drive me mad.
It's official...I have to stop smoking pot and popping pills that weren't perscribed to me for as long as it takes. Only a few of you know and have expirienced my out of control bipolar disease. I realized that I don't do drugs for fun anymore, I do them to make myself feel "normal". Im getting back into therapy and possibly gonna be put back onto anti-depressants. Maybe then, I can live my life the way that I want...being happy and content without an illegal substance present in my blood stream. Dont get me wrong, Im not quitting drugs for good...ha...like that would ever happen, but for the time being I need to get my ass back on track. I'm gonna need everyones help with this if i'm gonna succeed, if i say i want to smoke pot, dont give it to me. If i'm with you and your smoking pot...dont give it to me. Heres the plan. Until I get my life back on track there will be
NO POT
NO PILLS THAT ARE NOT MINE
Im gonna allow myself one day, either a friday or a sunday, to get completely cocked, given I dont have anything important to do the next day.
The reason I am saying that is because I have no desire to become straight edge, and hell I just like getting drunk...
So one day a week, I will be allowed to get as cocked as I would like.
Anyway, I said that I would write when I got back from canton but i lied. I was too tired.
:+:Highlights of the weekend:+:
1.Breakin shit
2.Pizza rolls hitting people in the head and hitting the wall
3.Chris's stand up act."Oh no, the poor little wing tip"
4.Fucking up my fist really bad
5.Eating arbys all three days in a row...pretty sick huh?
There are many many more but i didnt feel like writing a long list.
4 nights in a row of being cocked was fun, I really didnt get that bad of a hangover saturday and sunday morning so that is always a plus.
Im kind of wondering how this is going to be...being sober for this long...I havent had a completely sober day in many moons. Everyday, all day, I have either been high, drunk, or on some kind of pills. Pure soberness is foreign to me.
Thats it for now...LATER DAYS
keep on keepin on kiddies.
current mood:  okay
current music: none...I'm at work and my fathers gay.
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| Friday, February 13th, 2004
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11:40 am - 'Tis the night before Valentines Day...
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And I'm gunna get crunked, despite nursing a hangover from the night before.
I AM SO DAMN EXCITED FOR CANTON, I THINK I MAY PEE MYSELF!!
Right now, all I really want to do is sleep the hangover away but of course I can't because of the stupid wind thats about to blow my stupid house over. I haven't even packed yet, I should probablly get on that right away...but you know me..procrastinate until the very end. The equation of last night: Me+Beer Pong=Getting very drunk and getting a very bad hangover the next morning.
Oh wait, theres another one
My Ass+3 Drunk guys=Bruises.
Im gunna have hand prints on my ass for a week...lets just say they didn't hold back.
Cant say I didnt enjoy it just a tad...
anyway...My stomach is in knots and for some odd reason I can feel my heart beating in it. Is that normal?
I really dont have anything interesting to say right now...dont know why...
Message to that certain stupid boy: Im gunna quote the backstreet boys as sad as that is..."Quit playin games with my heart". Until you do, I'm gonna find someone that will love me unconditionally.
Thats all for now, I'll write again on Sunday when I get back from north country.
LATER DAYS!
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Nate Dogg and Chingy..you know where it's at.
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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10:07 pm - Craziness....
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Someone randomly IMed my on my aol screen name cocanutshark. Below is the conversation...be prepared to be amused.
RochNYMaid: Hello. Please pardon the intrusion. I am on a sincere hunt for a woman in Rochester who would enjoy having a sissy maid serve her occasionally.
Cocanut Shark: excuse me
RochNYMaid: Yes?
RochNYMaid: i am looking for a woman ho would like to have a maid
Cocanut Shark: Are you asking me if I need a maid?
Cocanut Shark: sorry
RochNYMaid: i am not seeking a paid position
Cocanut Shark: Can i beat you occasionally?
RochNYMaid: my services are free
RochNYMaid: i am not into pain, but bondage and humiliation are fine
RochNYMaid: Though i certainly understand a slap occassionally if i have displeased you
Cocanut Shark: so wait, are you telling me that you would be my maid for free, and you would let me tie you up and yell at you whenever i would like?
RochNYMaid: Yes
Cocanut Shark: your joking right?
RochNYMaid: No
Cocanut Shark: Are you a male or a female?
RochNYMaid: i have my own maid's uniform
RochNYMaid: i am male
RochNYMaid: Does this offend you?
Cocanut Shark: Not at all, its just not every day you hear this sort of shit
RochNYMaid: i know
RochNYMaid: i am just at my witts end trying to find a woman who wants to humiliate a sissy
RochNYMaid: i don't know how else to go about this
Cocanut Shark: as good as this sounds, i dont know if i would be able to do it
RochNYMaid: :(
RochNYMaid: What is your concern?
Cocanut Shark: Im sorry, i cant stop laughing, this is just such an absurd offer
RochNYMaid: i know
RochNYMaid: i promise you, i am really a normal, sane person.
RochNYMaid: i am not seeking sex here.
RochNYMaid: i just need to be humiliated
Cocanut Shark: how old are you?
RochNYMaid: 39
Cocanut Shark: is this something that you get off on?
RochNYMaid: How old are you Ma'am
Cocanut Shark: 18.
RochNYMaid: Frankly, when dressed as a woman, yes
Cocanut Shark: I feel like i should be offended by that but i dont know why
RochNYMaid: Please don't be offended.
RochNYMaid: i am really sincere about this
Cocanut Shark: wow.
RochNYMaid: i am sorry if i have freaked you out.
RochNYMaid: i have no illusions about passing as female in public, but i am not hideous. i have a picture of me if you would like to see.
Cocanut Shark: hahaha, no you havent freaked me out, it takes a lot more than a crossdresser asking to be pretty much my slave
Cocanut Shark: send it to me.
RochNYMaid: Yes Ma'am
Cocanut Shark: good, you obey.
RochNYMaid: You have mail
Cocanut Shark: it didnt show up
RochNYMaid: Please let me try again
Cocanut Shark: hurry up or i may have to dicipline you.
RochNYMaid: i hope it is there now
Cocanut Shark: just send it as an attachment
RochNYMaid: Yes Ma'am
RochNYMaid: You have mail
RochNYMaid: And another
RochNYMaid: Have i offended You?
Cocanut Shark: no, sorry
RochNYMaid: Were the pictures acceptable?
Cocanut Shark: Yep.
RochNYMaid: Please tell me Your concerns about why this could not work?
RochNYMaid: i have a MAJOR fetish for sheer hosiery.
RochNYMaid: And when i wear it, i feel submissive
Cocanut Shark: Im going to be completely honest with you, Your are nuts, completely bonkers, I reccomend you seek help, professional help.
RochNYMaid: i see. Sorry if i bothered you.
Pretty fucking weird eh? IM me if you want to see the fucked up pictures he sent me.
LATER DAYS!
current mood: chipper
current music: The gentle hum of the t.v.
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| Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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7:01 pm - Put your fucking mouth on the curb...
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Now say goodnight.
Now that I have had to delete the two past entries, Im ready to write one that I can keep in here. The past entries weren't nice and some of the things shouldn't have been said or read.
This whole being depressed and sad shit is getting old. Im ready to be happy, to actually go through one day without crying. I've made a list of almost everything that makes me happy and I am going to try to concentrate on just being haopy.
:+:My Goal: To be genuinly happy!:+:
*-Things that make me happy-* (Yes, another list)
1. The color Pink
2. My cat
3. Flowers
4. Glitter
5. Greatful Dead and Moe.
6. Tattoos and Peircings
7. Coloring my hair all sorts of colors
8. Genuine People
9. Pictures of the "good times"
10. Painting
11. Writing
12. Making Lists
13. Silly String
14. Cool Water Perfume
15. Kokomo by the Beach Boys
16. Bubbles
17. Cinderella
18. Techno
19. Angelina Jolie
20. Summer.
Sorry bout that...as you can see, Lists make me happy.
Now that, that is all said and done...Im kinda tired.
Oh no..i feel another list coming on...shit
Things I'm done doing
1. Dealing with BULLSHIT
2. Drama...life's too short
3. Smoking pot everyday
4. Popping so many pills
5. Concentrating on the little things
6. Spending so much money on useless shit
7. Living my life for others and to thier standards
8. Burning Bridges
9. Being mean
10. Caring what others think of me.
Thats it for now! LATER DAYS.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Kokomo-The Beach Boys
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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2:30 am
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Well, I gotta couple complaints about how I haven't updated this in like a week, fuck, I didnt even know anyone read this. Found out today that I was going to die at the ripe old age of 78...With my bad habits, you'd think I wouldn't live past 40.
Whats been happening lately:
Lots and lots of stupid crap, crap that could have been avoided if stupid small dicked asian men didnt try to cause problems. For the record: I said absolutly nothing to Greg, I may not always be the best friend in the world, but never would I do something like that.
Thats really all I can say in my defense, If you choose to believe that fuck-head over me, fine.
Other than that everything has been *sigh* amazing...You, have made me so incerdibly happy with my life.
Thats it for tonight, Im kinda out of it, maybe there will be another tomorrow...
LATER DAYS, and just remeber kids KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!
current mood:  indescribable
current music: AFI-The leaving song and Deady-Brand new Love
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004
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3:50 pm
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I can't comprehend what the hell is going on right now. Things are just going down the shitter. I had a great weekend though. Took a random day trip with Emmy up to Canton. Got pretty damn shitty, the next day was torture though. I've never thought that my head was going to explode before. Of course the drama had to come out of the wood work as soon as we got home, not even 4 hours later the shit began. Fuck it, fuck you all that want to judge or whatever. I dont need your shit in my life, Im gonna do what I want to do when i'm young enough to still do it. Its official, my friend is completely out of his mind. Hes cracked up.
current mood: angry
current music: Slipknot, Deadsy, and Fuel.
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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4:52 pm
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I looooove <3 not being homeless. I really don't know how those damn hobos do it. True, I was only homeless for three days and technically I had a place to go the entire time but I slept in a park! That has to count for something you know?? I really found out who my true friends were during this whole ordeal. Its easier for people to say that they are going to be there than them actually being there. I got a lot of good advice and I also got a lot of shitty advice that just plain pissed me off....3 Months until I move out..
Its about time, my dad and i definatly can't live together anymore.
On to the next topic: Boys
They suck. The end. :)
Damn the mind games, man. I freakin done with them.
I think that if I concentrate on myself instead of that certain stupid boy that I love with all of my heart, I can get my life back, normal and happy.
Note to that certain stupid boy: I love you with all of my being, but you won't change and I can't trust you until you do.
current mood: content
current music: Deadsy-Brand New Love
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| Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
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8:19 pm
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Woe is me...
The two things that mean most to me are no more. One of them I already knew I would never see again so, I had my time to cry about that. But tonight, I decided to take a little look at my book collection and realized that my favorite book of all time was missing. So I searched high and low, my sisters room and every other place it could possibly be. I proceeded to look online to see if I could find another copy and low and behold THE PAPER BACK VERSION was going for fifty bucks a pop. Now don't get the impression that I am some weirdo, normally I wouldn't be freaking out so much over a book, but this is THE book that got me through adolesence. This book was always there when people weren't. Now that I think about it, this is kind of weird. I shouldn't be obsessing so much over a book, I mean all it really is, is a bunch of paper binded together with some ink on it. This book spoke to me though, the other made me feel as if I wasn't the only one going through one hell of a time. I should be able to recite that book from memory considering how many damn times I read it, but no, I had to waste tremendous amounts of brain cells on drugs. Most of you, if anyones reading this at all, probablly think I'm pathetic but to tell you the truth, I dont give a fuck. A lot of you probablly have never had that connection to a book and never will.
On to the next topic. Woe is still me.
Lifes a bitch and then you die, all I fucking want to do is get high.
Rooms half clean, took about two days just to do that much. Im such a slacker.
I now believe that the only way I can truly be happy is to become a hermit. I let myself be effected by other people too much.
:+:Things I want:+:
1. My letter from my mom
2. Cages of glass, flowers of time by Charlotte Culin
3. To be loved unconditionally
4. Not to be depressed anymore
5. A functional life
6. No more snow
7. Another tattoo
8. Long hair again
9. People to stop sucking so much
10. Cinderella on dvd
11. A new car that doesn't make a funny noise
12. World Peace (I know it should be higher up on the list but hey, I've lived without it for my entire life and it just doesn't affect me that much)
13. To stop smoking and/or drugs and alcohol
I know 13's an odd number but thats all I could really think of that I wanted. I'm now off to wallow in self pity...Later days.
current mood:  crushed
current music: Colorblind
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