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This is quite possibly the best thing ever. Or the worst. I haven't decided yet. But at the moment, I feel that reading over most of these old journal entries was pretty darn cool. And the best part is that now I remembered why I thought keeping up with this would be a good idea in the first place. And the reason is this: I have, quite possibly, the worst memory ever. It seems a little ridiculous to only be able to remember what happened in my life because I had written it down somewhere, but I really think that just that reflective and simple act helps me somewhat. And in the memory department, I will take all the help I can get.
Things are so drastically different from the last time I have posted. I guess that isn't too hard to believe considering the amount of time that has passed. I really feel like a completely different person now. My life has taken me in some great directions that really allowed me to grow in a way that I didn't know that I could, and until now, didn't know that I did. I can remember the way I felt and thought way back then as I read those old entries. I can tell how much I have learned about life in general. I feel much stronger as a whole. And honestly, I feel a lot more logical. I think most people just feel like they get smarter as they grow up but i feel I've taught myself to use more logic with everyday life, which may be what I was beating myself up over in those olden days. Looks as though a few things have been resolved.
So what have I been up to that I haven't blogged about? Well, for starters.. I did quit working at Outback. and soon after, I got a job hosting at Sagebrush Steakhouse while I was still attending the Phoenix Academy. I made a ton of friends there and quickly took up waiting tables. I think that is where the majority of my transformation came from. That is also where I met Tony. He and I dated for a while and worked together. Not too long after, it became convenient for the two of us and another co-worker to all move in together. So, that is how I came to move out of my parents house. It wasn't until I had moved in that I realized I was living with my boyfriend. However, It didn't last long because I discovered I outgrew him and didn't want to be with such a drunken conceited inconsiderate jerk anymore. So that is when I moved back in with my parents about a year later. A month or so after Tony and I broke up, I somehow met Justin, my current boyfriend.
Well... he sent me a message on myspace and I sent him another one back. And that is how I spent the day that day. He is the first guy I have ever been able to, by myself, pick out the specific qualities that I absolutely adore about him and know that I like him for those reasons. It is a whole different level of liking someone when you know why you like them instead of just having some irrational and confusing attraction to another person with no real basis. That is how I learned why the rest of my relationships were just so terrible. Well, after dating him for a while and learning to think for myself a little bit, I decided that I no longer liked working at Sagebrush.. it had really gone downhill. And though I had worked there for two years, I had to turn in my apron. Another reason for quitting was to be able to really focus on school. I only took two classes at York Tech, but that is how I learned how much I love psychology and also that I make friends a lot more easily than I thought. But now classes have ended and since I'm not enrolled in classes this semester, I mostly spend my days hanging out in Waxhaw with my boyfriend helping him work occasionally and sometimes spending time with friends.
It is so funny to think that I am still the same insomniac, though... writing a journal at 4 in the morning. But to prove that things have changed, I'd like to report that I am now writing this on the laptop that I bought with my own money. There are definitely good things about growing up. It's funny to think that when I wrote most of my old entries, I was so extremely anxious about the future but frustrated with the present and longing for the past. Now I find that I didn't need to be so anxious about the future. Good things have come from it. The only way for me to find relief from those frustrated feelings was to move into the future no matter how terrifying it was for me. You can only escape the torturous feelings of the present and the longings of the past by pressing on into the future. What is so interesting to me is that I didn't have to try to move into the future. It just came to me. Life just happened. No need worrying about it the way I was. I am reluctant to report that even having gained this experience on a conscious level, I don't seem to be any the wiser. Here I am sitting with similar worries about my future, different but all the same consuming concerns about the present, and some difficult yearnings for the past. I'm assuming that my experiences have taught me to cope and that these will only make me stronger and more insightful for the years to come.
I think that one of the best things about keeping up with this journal is that I don't have to tell anyone that I am writing in it. This can be just for me. Or... in the event that I want to share... I can let them in on my little secret. Nobody reads or posts blurty anymore. Even as I wrote these when I was younger I felt they were for some ridiculous reason, but now I have different views on how they can serve a purpose.
It's great to feel so much calmer than I seemed to have felt during my high school years.
I need to thank Justin tomorrow. I'm not sure for what really, but I feel that a lot of this freedom from my old self I am feeling right now is thanks to him. I know I have myself to thank for some of it. I should give credit where it is due.
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