| wowie |
[12 Aug 2003|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Yellowcard |
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If i could find you now
things would get better
we could leave this town
and run forever
let your waves crash down on me and take me away
Theres a piece of you thats here with me
its everwhere i go its everything i see
When i sleep i dream and it gets me bye
I can make believe that you here tonight
that you here tonight....
Today i did nothing. I went to k5 got a leash for a boogie board we found. i ate submarina sandwhich and that was the highlight of my day. i sat at home alone again the whole day. why my mom went shopping and my brother was at a friends. I watched some tv. Did laundry cleaned my room and listened to music. I played guitar and just layed on my tile floor and i think i eventually fell asleep. I wish i could fall asleep for the longest time.. today i got yelled at because my mom thought she knew something about guitar, because my cousin said i didnt know how to play this song with right fingering and because my teacher taught it like that and she said no it was just me. so she acused me of this. she doesnt even believe me anymore. no one believes me anymore. my dad just stayed out of the conversation and i left the dinner tabel and ran to my backyard and just layed in the grass next to my dog. I spend alot of time with my dog when im sitting at home byemyself. I was watching the clouds. i saw a hand and a girl laying down reading a book. also metwo a pokemon. then i just closed my eyes and thought about alot of stuff. I dont want next year to start. I dont want to go to school. I know things are going to be different. I dont want things to change. I wasnt allowed to call christian today. but i did anyways. I talked for 10 minutes with him. then i went in my moms room and said 10 minutes that wasnt that bad now was it? and shes like oh are you and christian having problems? LIKE SHE WOULD CARE ANYWAYS. she doesnt even want me together with him. its so unfair. knowing my parents dissaprove.. its horrible. im grounded off phone, aim, and im put on the blue card system all next year. because i had "poor grades" this year. i could have done better yes i know but i try i had no motivation.. i didnt fail anyclasses they shoudl be happy. they put too many expectations on me. and im afraid of loosing christian of not talking to him.. they will probably ban me from talking to him soon. its not supposed to be like this. loving someone is not supposed to be this hard. all i ask for..just to see him..just to tlak to him. ALL YOU GIRLS AND BOYS that have boyfriends that go to the same school, do you even realize how lucky you are? do you cherish what you have? your so lucky... i wish he lived here i wish things could be easier. but maybe how tough this situation has got is just something i have to tackle. i can make it with him supporting, with my friends supporting. but my family not :-( they are not spliting us apart. they cant. Next year. im having so much pressure. i have to join a club because i have to get "involved" wtih the shool i was thinking of community service. then im also getting confirmed next year. im playing softball and they want me to know what im gonna be and ah they are being parents. but cant they ever be a little easier. is it that much to ask a couple minutes on the phone with christian a day??? IM gonna try so much harder. them being so dissapointing I WANT TO SHOW THEM I CAN DO IT. Just So they could be proud of me. just proud of my decisions. i DONT smoke i dont have sex i dont do alchol i have great friends i have a good head on my shoulders. they probably see that. who knows. sometimes they just dissaprove. why would they dissaprove of my realtionship with chrsitian? its the best thing. im so happy when im wiht him. i miss him...i miss him so much, i know i will miss him even more when school starts. i dont want to mis him anymore. sometimes life just aint fair.
and im sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here and if we all believe in heaven maybe we'll make it through one more year. down here..
i feel your fire when its cold in my heart.
christian is the sweetest person i have ever met. he sent me an email because i wanst sure if i was going to be online tonight. it was just so sweet and reassuring. and things like that. just little acts of kindness he does.. makes me have so much hope. i am a girl filled with so much hope. and hope, hope it never dies NEVER. and as long as i can keep myself with all this hope . i learned hope can always keep you up. hope is something that keeps your driving for what you want. keeps you fighting... i know ill make it through. and i know i have friends that support me too. and give me advice. i thank God each and everyday for the people he placed in my life.
sigh okay i vented enough. have a goodnight
ps : be happy :)
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