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Wednesday, December 18th, 2002
11:19 pm
When I try to think of my future... All I can see is myself leaning against a brick wall. It's filthy, dark and cold. It might even be raining. But the worst part is that I'm dying.
I'm fifteen, and in one image I can see all that I'll ever be.
I've gotten really into writing poems. I can't really think in rhymes though, so I guess I'm not a poet. Besides, I'm not really sure how to put anything in poetry anymore... Hence my attempt at a journal.
My boyfriend Josh gave me this thing. Happy Birthday. I really do like it though.
Josh is boyfriend number 2, and so far, I think it's going alright.
Josh looks authentic celtic-irish (dark hair, big blue eyes, nice body). And he's actually nice and funny, to boot!
Theres always the fucked up disrespectful part of my mind thats waiting for us to break up. Isn't being fucked up a bitch?
Boy-friend number ones name was Brian Creamer. His story was that he couldn't grow some balls and when it seemed he did, they fell off, so he just fucked himself out of the picture... bye bye ball-less creamer.
A lot of people have fucked themselves out of my life. Most of them didn't even say goodbye.
I've had a news update...
It seems that my therapist and my mom are working behind my back! Peachy. Hes getting ready to give up on me and hand me over to the medication. Fuck that.
I don't expect anything from people, yet somehow they always dissapoint me. But then again, I'm just a total dissapointment.
I have a hit list inside my head. I didnt even know it existed until I looked at you and realized your name was on it.

~~Natasha Lopez-Fischer~~

P.S.
For the record, I came home and found the message on the phone for my mom:
"Returning your call... mumble... Come in with your daughter tonight... mumble.. have a talk... preogress is slow... mumble, mumble, mumble... medication."
FAGGOT SON OF A WHORE
Oh and he also said that he'd spoken with the school phsycologist.

~Dead Birds~
Lesbians falling from the sky
screming before they die
white wings shattered
staring blank eyes
they look so pretty everyone turns "bi"
They dont notice the shattered wings
anymore than their own lies
Girls like me watch and hide
waiting
but avoiding the worlds despise

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