Ty's Journal

Saturday, February 26, 2005

5:08PM - Sorry, I promised... But this is it for the day. I swear!

Read this and respond with honesty... If I am to get any better, I must know where my faults lie... Wait, that contradicts what I just wrote about. Fuck me... I don't know. Just read it.

What I Want From Her )

Thanks for taking the time.

Current mood: creative
Current music: My fan's constant hum
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Thursday, February 24, 2005

4:44PM - Can i do anything right?

I've realized something amazing recently. The past 18 hours have led to so many thoughts running through my head that I have never experienced. I've learned so much. I've learned that I'm not near the writer I thought I was. I can write a term paper with the best of them; professional letters, no sweat. But expressing my feelings in words... I can't do it. I'm nothing. Do I say I'm sad? Do I say I feel like shit? What is that? How do I feel like shit? Is it that I feel like shitting? Fuck, I don't know. I learned this because I read some of the most beautifully expressive writing I could possibly imagine. It is the best that I have ever personally read. I... That may say something about me and what I have read in my life, but I think it says so much more about the person who wrote it.

That's the other thing: I've learned that what I have been searching for all my life is no where near what I want. It's what I have thought I wanted, what others have said I wanted... Hmph, I can't get a girlfriend, everyone knows that. But... for some reason people alwyas told me I could... I'm cute, I'm "nice" I'm funny, whatever, but I couldn't... I just couldn't. I think now... maybe why I didn't want what I thought I wanted is because I never really wanted it in the first place. Beauty, athleticism, money, popularity, intellect... these are things I have listed to myself in what I looked for in a partner. But goddamn what does that have to do with anything important? How the fuck could those things make me happy? How could I have ever thought it's what I wanted?

But now I know. I know the truth. I have read something and talked to someone that has opened my eyes, inadvertently, or perhaps more accurately, my heart. Before in my life, my head was guiding what decisions I made in love. That's hilarious. Now, it must be my heart, my emotions. I have so often said that all I want in life is to love and be loved... how can I do that if all i care about are those characteristics of insignificant value? I... Hmmm... I don't know.

I now know that out there is somebody, at least one person, that has what I want. Nay, has what I need. Because of circumstances (distance, age?, life, conceited ideas I've actually had since last night (how could I be so arrogant to think that was about me???)) I doubt I will ever truly know that person. I want to sooo badly. But how can I? I cannot trust anyone. I never have and probably never will. How can I expect this person to trust me? Besides, would all I want to have from this is an internet/long-distance relationship? Would the possibility of meeting this person even be realistic? That couldn't possibly be fulfilling... I remember late last night, the longing for touch. I needed that person, needed her with me right then. All I wanted was to hold her and sleep with her. We would just lie on the bed, clothes on, clutched in each other's arms... and sleep. I wanted/needed that so bad last night. And I couldn't have it. Is it possible then...

I can only hope that there is at least one other person out there that is even remotely like this person. I'm so naive to think this. She is unique, she is like no one, like none of you, not even close to like me. But I have to hope... If this is what I want: true, raw, unfiltered emotion... if that's what I need and what I have wanted all along... if I can't have her, then there must be someone else out there like her. There has to be. I won't settle for less. I won't. I can't. My goal in life is thus: I must find this other person, this unique and incredible individual who is like no other, who can express herself like no other has. I'll still pursue philosophy, working out, learning about the world... bettering myself in other ways. But it's all going to be subservient to this one want, this one need. It has to be! If i don't get this... this love, this power of loving and being loved, I will die a failure.....

Hmmmmm..... I said my writing was shit and I apologize to any of you who have gotten this far and through this entry... You have suffered long enough so I shall let you go. And myself...

Current mood: anxious
Current music: the chatter of the Metro library
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

7:52AM - In the interest of luuuuuvvvv.....

Personal Ad: Brilliant, hilarious, compassionate, tall, sexxxy fat man seeks (needs) uber-smart, ultra-rad, totally bodacious babe for: fun, good times, companionship, kissing and touching, sharing the most intimates of intimates, intellectual (and other forms) stimulation... Must be beautiful and rockin' the heazy fo' sheazy. However, as my friend Obie would probably say, "As long as she 'got some teeth,' the rest probably doesn't matter." All interested parties responde s'il vous plait.

P.S. I now have more pics on http://photobucket.com/albums/v682/philosophized/
I am hot. Or not! You decide.

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Monday, February 21, 2005

9:02PM - Thank you to all

I'm not a fancy internet picture maker or anything like that, but my thanks are as sincere as others. :) Thanks ya'll for letting me in this little group of fun-lovin' folk.

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

5:30PM

Application )

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5:25PM

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5:10PM

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5:04PM - ___likewoah, much

Application )

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12:37AM - Learning the ways of the world...

So, I'm 24 and probably a little old to begin learning about the world, but it seems as I have not quite understood it. I'm learning now that life is forever. It's long. I may think that the last 6 years have just flown by, but really it's just been one second upon another. Not once minute has passed without me having lived through the previous one. So, what the hell does that mean? It means I gotta stop lamenting the fact that I have fucked myself over good since I graduated high school, and I need to start living my life now. Every decision I make I should make with two things in mind: is it what I want to do right now? and is it making me happy? If I can't answer yes to both of these questions, then I need to make another choice. (although this isn't the matrix, I am a believer in Satre) We are a culmination of the choices we make. We are more than that, of course. But, we cannot be something that goes against the choices we have made. I know that if I make my choices minute by minute, day by day, I will become who I want to become.

Current mood: introspective
Current music: Bright Eyes, I'm Wide Awake
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Saturday, February 12, 2005

10:09AM - Are you fucking serious?

The devil has crawled into my bowels and is wreaking havoc inside there. He wakes me up every half hour, three times to throw everything within in me at my mouth, three times to blow it out my ass. I don't think I've ever been this sick in my life. My god. Should I go to class or not? It's not like I can sleep it off. I have bruising all over my face from hacking so damn hard. It's disgusting. Ok, so who wants to go on a date?

Current mood: sick
Current music: Besides that ringing in my ears?
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10:06AM - Are you fucking serious?

The devil has crawled into my bowels and is wreaking havoc inside there. He wakes me up every half hour, three times to throw everything within in me at my mouth, three times to blow it out my ass. I don't think I've ever been this sick in my life. My god. Should I go to class or not? It's not like I can sleep it off. I have bruising all over my face from hacking so damn hard. It's disgusting. Ok, so who wants to go on a date?

Current mood: sick
Current music: Besides that ringing in my ears?
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Tuesday, February 8, 2005

10:02PM - My life as a

In case anyone cares... my Bulls won, they fucking beat the Mavericks! YAY! So that's cool. Also, I'm quitting Best Buy. My last day will be March 2. Don't feel like working 40 hours a week and taking 16 hours of classes and trying to workout and get back in shape. Could probably do it, but I don't wanna. Besides, if I wanna put in more hours, I'd rather do it at $15/hr instead of $8.50/hr. oh wait, I just got a raise, $8.75!!! I can't by shit anyway cuz I am in so much debt, so it's not like the discount is going to be a huge loss. Oh yeh, I skipped my first class since starting school again. I really shouldn't have. Sure the weather was shitty, but I could have made it. I just didn't want to deal with all the fuckers. Besides, that class is worthless and the teacher would have let us out after an hour anyway. C'est la vie. I will get over it, I'm sure. Anyway, if any of you people wanna talk to me, don't hesitate about calling me. I do have a month left at Best Buy, well, four working days anyway, but it is only four working days so I don't know when I'll see any of youz. Lata guys.

Current mood: resolved
Current music: Bonnie McKee
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Thursday, February 3, 2005

10:13PM - Whooppee

Today was fun; I learned transcription at the office today. That shit is hard. But it's fun, too. I must love a challenge. I don't know. Went to class tonight and wrote notes to myself. How fun! Damn, that class was boring tonight. Anyway, that's about it for the whole day.

Current mood: tired
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Wednesday, February 2, 2005

3:36PM - Life is special

Don't you guys know that life is worth living? What's wrong with staying alive anyway? You don't need to leave. Fuck, I mean, hell I don't know. Shit's going on. Work is fun. I love Best Buy. Working one day a week to get that phat discount. Hell, what's better than that? I'm just rambling and that's always fun. I like talking to myself. It's something we do when we don't have friends. Anyway, I'm signing off. Got homework to do. People to call.

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Monday, January 31, 2005

10:29PM - Here we go again...

Another day. Another supposed start to my new life. Didn't do it. I'll get the shit right tomorrow. Worked all day at DSC then went to Best Buy. Was hoping to see Natalie, but she wasn't working. Got a new Rilo Kiley CD (from August, I'm slow) and have listened to it three times already. It fucking rocks. I would recommend it to a whole lot of people. Was going to do homework, but didn't get it done. Oh well, laundry is fun, and so is masturbation. Oh, and I'm pissed cuz of shit I did and did not do today. Anyway, the Daily Show is awesome and Bush sucks!

Current mood: pissed off
Current music: Rilo Kiley
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Sunday, January 30, 2005

10:53PM - I'm not that special...

And neither are you. We all want to be special. The 90's taught us all that we are special to everyone. But we're not. Sure, we have our unique qualities. But ya know what? You're not a damn snowflake. Fuck that. You're just a person. There's been a million people like you before you and there will be a billion more just like you yet to come. That's what makes American Idol such a damn good show. I mean, what are your favorites? Probably the first episodes right? You like to laugh at all the people fucking up and being asses. It's great because we get to see these people who think they are great and all friggin' special and they're not. And they get told that. Can't you just see the people who have never been told they were bad at anything their whole life? And then you can see the others who have failed, and then they have come back and succeeded. They have worked for what they want. They know they aren't great at everything, but they also know they can accomplish what they want. You're not going to be the next president and you're not going to be the next Michael Jordan. Once you realize that, which I have realized but have not accepted, you'll be all the better for it.

Anyway, I'm not going to post my innermost feelings on here or any shit like that. If I'm going to spend some time writing about who I am and what I feel, I'll do that for myself. No one cares. I mean, who would care to hear my feelings and all that shit. Sure, I may post a poem, if I write one, or some philosophy or some fiction or a log of daily events, but not my damn journal entries. Anyway, like that's any real shit. Some of you are probably out there saying, "I know exactly what he means." Others, most likely most of you, are saying I'm stupid and I am writing dumb shit. That's alright. I don't care. Well, I do care, but who the fuck cares about that.

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6:36PM - Just another day.

Today was nothing special, just another day in paradise, the story of my so-called life. I did some homework and that's about it. Watched some TV. Remember, though, I was once cool.

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