01:47am 20/07/2003
mood: indescribable
I know that 85% of the time I am at best really annoyed by, and at worst, absolutely infuriated with, my Dad.

But tonight he got it right - he was so perfect. I've been crap all day, just absolute crap for more reasons than one. I could tell he knew and he was being somewhere in-between caring and aggravating about it. Asked me 8 million times if I was ok, offered to get me whatever I wanted for dinner, etc.

Then tonight as he was going to say bed, he said "goodnight" and I muttered "gnight"...and then he kind of half turned and looked at me for a minute, then walked back and gave me a little Dad-kiss on the forehead. That's all, didn't say anything or ask me anything, just walked off to bed. And it was just so perfectly protective and loving that I got all choked up and couldn't even say thanks or anything.

If it wasn't for the fact that Jelly was on her way over, I would have let myself have a good cry, but of course I couldn't get all splotchy cuz then I'd have to explain it all, etc. It was really just the most perfect, loving Daddy thing to do and I really did want to just huddle off and cry - not just because I love my Dad, and appreciate him and all...but also because I just want to be loved in general. Not by my Dad, but by a guy, ya know?

It sounds so pathetic, I do realize. But I'm just incredibly tired of being on my own (without a guy that is, Lord knows I have enough friends...) The dissapointment with James is not so much that I'm actually mad or sad that he did something with another girl/decided he didn't like me anymore/whatever that was, and not so much that I was madly "in like" with him or anything....but just that I thought I had finally found someone that I could possibly be with for more than a month, and so I jumped into it headfirst and let myself feel every lovey-stupid emotion, and in the end it was all for nothing. And I hate that. I'm so ready to have someone to love, and it doesn't seem fair that the first chance I take, it gets pissed on.

So this turned into more a bitch-session than anything I s'pose, but the point is that for the first time in a long time I really appreciated my Dad. I've left him a flower and a note, and I hope that maybe he can grasp about 1/2 how much it meant to me, and it did.

I just wish that someone besides my FATHER were offering me that love.

( the mirror image)

"it isn't cheating..."   
07:13pm 16/07/2003
mood: complacent
...but that doesn't mean anything - of course it doesn't.

It doesn't change that I just wasted about 3 months of my life - yes, wasted. I don't care if he sounded annoyed about that comment because it's true and the reason it's true is because of him, not me. Other than that, the worst part is that everyone was right. I defended how we talked about everything blah blah frickin blah. Silly Lauren, stupid little girl - should've known better.

It's almost funny (funny in that I want to poke my eyes out kinda way) that I knew what he was going to say (or basically) as soon as he told me about his parents. Because he never had before, didn't want me to know. And there was something not right about the way he just blurted it out, when before it had been something to keep quiet. Kind of like the next thing he had to say.

It's done, over with and I know shit happens, people suck and boys lie. I know, I know, I know. I know I'm naive and I know it "shouldn't really matter" because christ, after all - we weren't 'together'. Except that I thought he thought a little differently. Not though, so no dwelling on it because it won't help.

Claiming that I still would be cool hanging out w/him was stupid, because why would I hang out with him? The only reason I came home so much was b/c he was there - and I certainly won't be wasting $$ on gas for his sake. I hate that it doesn't bother him much - that he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

This whole thing is stupid, I hate it and I'm done with it forever and ever the end.

( the mirror image)

whatever happened to looking for animals in the clouds? i'm dreaming that you're there.   
05:38pm 12/07/2003
mood: crappy
Angry tears was something I wrote yesterday and in some ways it's true and in some it's not. If you're confused by that, no worries - I am too. I told James "no worries" but I wished I had said everything I was thinking instead of giving him cliff's notes for my heart. That all sounds hopelessly dramatic but the sad thing is that it's just the way my brain works - and that's exactly why I'm putting every effort into making it shut the hell up. I've had about enough of logic.

So the basics? Yea, I can do that.

Work - going well. I'm spending the money as fast as I can earn it and I truly don't understand my 200$ phone bill. Who made those calls, who has those friends? It's not me, I'm sure of it. My dad and Kim and Caroline are all simultaneously happy and frustrated that I'm so effiecient at getting my work done. I guess they are glad the projects that have hung around forever are finally completed. But as my dad said yesterday "he's getting paid 150,000 dollars a year to keep an 8 dollar an hour employee busy". Whatever though, cuz the money is nice. I can't help it if I'm a genius ;). Lately I've been allowed to go in @ 8 AM instead of 7, and usually I leave early - just because they can't find enough stuff for me to do. I'm certainly not going to complain about the extra hour of sleep.

Friends - the usual. Me and Megan have been hanging out a lot lately - watching movies and playing ultimate frisbee, eating Coldstone like there's no tommorow. I actually need to back off the icecream, because regardless of the fact that I'm running a mile or more every day, and doing Pilates 4 times a week, that 800 calorie cake batter ice cream will make it REAL hard to keep my abs flat. Heh heh, which they are getting to be, by the way ! Three cheers. What else, who else - finally hung out w/Matt for a bit - fun. Been avoiding some other people a little - not for any particular reason, just b/c I need space occasionally. MMMmmm, I went shopping w/Megan the other day and I must say that for just under 200 dollars I didn't do half bad. I got some awesome jeans and other stuff - they are hot, hehe.

James - fuck if I know. The story is that something is going on with his parents - something really not good that's getting him pretty upset. Apparently that means that he doesn't call me anymore. I know I sound bitter but the thing is that I don't care, because I thought I finally had all the figured out. I was letting my brain have a break, and just kind of enjoying the feeling of learning someone. And now? Now who knows. I finally got tired of it after he didn't call me back Thursday - so I called him last night and left a message. Won't go into details, but let's just say it's up to him b/c I'm tired of always having to make the effort. Is this unrealistic? I don't know....I just want him to run away to me. Honestly if I didn't have work, I'd drive down there myself and take him away with me. You think I'm kidding but the scary things is that I'm not.

Even just typing about him makes me tired so let's blow this popsicle stand, shall we? Adios, Sianara, Avedizane, Goodnight.

( the mirror image)

but it's too risky and i just want you to hold me...   
06:20pm 30/06/2003
mood: drained

Long time, no update. I've been so incredibly tired from work lately. I managed to do nothing for 4 hours there today though. It really sucked. Both my parents want me to talk to Kim (my boss, kinda) about working less hours but I'm so worried about looking like a brat. Yea, it sucks. Again.....

So what've I been up to? The usual...hanging out with Megan a lot, Matt sometimes and Jelly pretty often...mostly we watch movies and play foosball and put bets on what the 3 amigos from hell are going to do next to my car (long story).Working - too much. I've been thinking a lot too. When you work for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and you have to be nice to people all day long - even when you don't want to be...you start to like being by yourself a little more. So more often than I used to, I'll just listen to music and lay down on the floor and think.

I've thought a lot about James, and how I was wrong in a way about him.

I'm not really sure if I want to go into the details, for a lot of reasons. But mostly because I might be wrong this time, maybe I was right before. And maybe my mom is right and you do have to learn how to love people, or maybe I'm right and I'll never be able to, or maybe I just don't know. Yea, probably that last one. I'll say this much - I think he told me "that" too soon, and I don't think he meant it, and I don't think I ever really believed it. It doesn't make a very big difference, actually....it's not like I'd be hurt if I was right. It's just....there.

The only thing I know for sure right now about that South Carolina boy is that I wish he was NOT in South Carolina. One of the things I hate most is that I never got a chance to just hang out with him, be friends...chill. Because of that I don't always get him, and I don't know if it's temporary or not. I do know that I get sad when he doesn't call, or when he just calls to say he's going to the beach. I know that I have really come to hate sleeping alone at night. A lot of times I stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning just to avoid sleeping all alone in a big empty bed. I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night I'll suddenly want to kiss his cheek while he's asleep, and then I wake up more and realize he isn't there. I know that I think about him a lot, at weird times....

But I don't think all of that means as much as I might have thought it did before.

There are a lot of things that I'll think about, and want to to tell him...but when I talk to him, I just never say it. I'm not sure why I do that, and I don't like it about myself very much. It feels like I'm lying or something. Strange.

I've been trying really hard to get into better shape. It's really hard for me to resist yummy food, but I've been doing decent. Not great, but decent. And I'm really committed to working out - I've been running HARD the last week or so, and doing pilates and working on abs regularly. I just decided I was tired of being flabby. I'm not fat, but there's no reason why I shouldn't be as healthy as possible, right?

I can't wait for the end of this week, because I get paid. I'm going to buy new bras and stuff, and buy tanning minutes and pay back my mom right away...then I'm going to start saving my $$ so me and MegK can go shopping in a month or so - when I will hopefully be fitter :D....Yea, good times.

What else? Some random person is insisting on talking to me on AIM. I actually signed on hoping to catch James. I dunno if he ever goes online anymore though, cuz I never do. I think I'd better go do something. Run, or put on music, or ....something.

Bye self. Bye random people reading this. Bye crazy person talking to herself with a keyboard. Bye. Bye.

PS: I'm in love with british book series'.

( the mirror image)

workin niiiine to fiiiive, what a way to make a livin' !!   
02:47pm 13/06/2003
mood: recumbent

So, I got a job.


I'm a 'specifications writer' over @ DMI [company my Dad is Vice Prez + general manager of]. Basically I take the generic safety manual that they've been using, and change/update/retype it. After that is finished [it'll probably take a month or so, depending on how much actual writing I have to do and how much is just copying it] I get to do the same thing to the employee handbook, and then if I finish that as well [DOUBTFUL] I'll probably just do filing or other random work around the office. I get paid $8.00 an hour, and I work Monday-Friday from 7 AM to 3 PM, and all I have to do is type, basically. Not too fucking shabby =D....

So yeah, that is great news - because I'm working so many hours I'll be making $320.00 a WEEK, before taxes. I tried to convince my Dad to pay me under the table, but he wasn't going for that, LOL...I figure if I only spend about half of my total pay I should have a good $1000.00 to get me started for the semester. Then @ my little on-campus job I'll be working 3 days a week...for 2-3 hours 2 days and then from 9AM-2PM on Thursdays...I make 6-something, so yeah.

Mr. James Shirah is @ the beach this weekend w/his friends, so I'm sure he'll be perpetually drunk :P....I'm not really doing much I don't think. Matt is gone to DC - I might hang out w/Adam, and probably Megan some more, maybe my luffer too. Other than that, just getting plenty of sleep so that I can handle the whole working-at-7-AM thing. :x It's going to be hell, b/c I'm used to getting home around 2-3 AM and getting up around 1 PM. Meep!!

I also need to workout HARD this weekend, I've been slacking off sooooo badly with that. I did Pilates ONCE this week, and I haven't run @ all since like...last Tuesday?! Yea, that's disgusting. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to fit the work-out thing into my new work schedule, cuz I think I might be tired when I get home after an 8 hour day, so....I probably wouldn't be real motivated to do it. But if I do it before work, it'll have to be at 5 AM. *gag*....Cuz it takes a GOOD 30 minutes to get to DMI, which means I'd probably leave the house at around 6:20. It usually takes me about an hour to shower and get ready and eat breakfast, and the Pilates workout takes 20 minutes...so yea, that'd be cutting it real close even if I did wake up @ 5. SIck, man, sick.

I dunno....maybe it'd be good for me though. I could do Pilates beforehand, maybe when I come home I could sleep for an hour, and then go run ? It could work - it'd be hell, but it could work.

Ehh, either way, I just need to get it in there somehow. I'm sick of being out of shape.

( the mirror image)

half empty and i'm the one pouring...   
01:48pm 11/06/2003
mood: distressed
I'm confused and I don't like it at all...

I wonder if James is really as happy/okay as he seems to be when I talk to him over the phone. He was online just now, and we said a few words. He got drunk last night [AGAIN] with a friend who's having some problems...and he said that they talked aout how much life sucks. It was so weird to hear him say that, so I typed "does it really?". He just said "yeah, it does".

I just don't understand that, and it concerns me, honestly. To me, no matter how much a certain situation, or day, or week, or month or even year, might suck...life does not. At all. It's pretty upsetting to me to hear that he feels that way - even saying that kind of thing lightly, as a joke....it's not a joke. I don't know...everything is so uncertain when it comes to him. Half the time I'm incredibly glad that I met him and that we're staying in touch, all that....that we're doing whatever THIS is [that's another problem, what is it called...what me and him have? it's been an issue to me lately]. But more and more often I wonder if it's really right, or a good idea. We're incredibly different people. Extremely so....we say that he's bad for me in a good way. But is he?

The problem with all this, is that I want to make sure I'm not just playing it safe. Because that's not something that I want to do. I tend to avoid situations and people who make me feel differently than I normally do - I play it safe, way too often. I'm tired of it, and I want to make sure I'm not just making up excuses to not continue talking to him. At the same time though, I don't want to convince myself that I'm falling in love, or could fall in love...with someone who is really just completely wrong for me. It would not only be a huge mistake on my part, but it wouldn't be fair to him - to let him believe that everything is cool between us, when I'm having some pretty big doubts that it is.

Distance is a word that I've grown to hate as well. If I could actually be with him...even a day a week, ya know - any time at all....it would make all of this so much easier to figure out. 1200 miles is too much when you're having feelings that are so conflicting, and you're trying to understand it all but it just isn't working out. Even readig through this journal, and my paper one...some days I read what I've written about how much I think I'm beginning to love James, and it sounds like someone else is talking. That scares the shit out of me - I want to be able to own every feeling that I have for him, and right now I don't even feel like I know who I am from one day to the next. Half the time I'm scared that he'll find someone else down there, that maybe he already has. Half the time I think maybe we SHOULD find other people - that maybe this isn't the right thing to do at all. And sometimes I want more than anything to just be with him.

My head hurts, and my heart hurts, and I'd better quit thinking about all this. I think when [if...] he calls me tonight, I'd better talk to him about at least some of this. I hope he actually does call to talk - and not to tell me how drunk he is. I'm so mixed up about everything.

( the mirror image)

if she gets nowhere in life, at least she knows she's pretty   
12:13am 11/06/2003
mood: touched
WHEW - where to start?

Last night I sat in Megan's kitchen with her and Matt until literally 3 in the morning, talking about...everything. Friends, parents, school, being lonely, feeling awkward. Life. It was just one of those times when a lot of things come together. You're reminded that there's more to the phrase "best friends" then a cliche and the occasional phone call. You remember that you aren't the only person in the world who feels lonely, unwanted, embarassed, and stupid at times. Some of life that maybe you didn't understand before, makes a little more sense. You feel like a part of something - like maybe you aren't just spinning around unnoticed. Cuz someone honestly does care enough to take the time to listen and understand. And you take the time for them too.

That said - right now I'm pretty amazed. Adam IM'd me and we ended up talking about him and Amanda. I honestly thought that the kid was completely in the dark about how royally fucked up that his. But he's not at all - he's given it so much thought. I can hardly believe that he's telling me these things, because I honestly thought that he either really didn't realize, or that he did, but wasn't about to tell anyone - least of all me. I'm so incredibly happy that he has it all figured out though - and I'm really, really happy that he told me about it. It's really nice to know he feels comfortable enough to - because I've always felt that there was more to Adam then he let on to...like he was afraid to really let people know him. I'm just...happy for him. I think UNI will be a great experience for him, if he let's it.

Random topic change AGAIN....while I was talking to James last night I brought up the fact that I will most likely never make it down there this summer. WELL !! He is coming HEEERE, probably in July [??] for like 4 days to finalize the apartment. SOOOOO I get to see him !!!!!! You really just have absolutely no idea how happy I am bout that. It's just about the greatest thing ever ;].....

AIGHT. So I think I'm done w/this update. I didn't do anything today except paint my loft [which is SUPER cute, muahahaha]. I want to call James, but I don't want to be the "girlfriendthingymabobhe'stheboyi'mtalkingtobutnotdatinwhatever" from hell....LOL.

Much love, ya'll.

( the mirror image)

you watch until you know   
03:50pm 08/06/2003
mood: happy
Wow...it's been a really long time since I updated. The same stuff is pretty much going on - I've been hanging out with Matt, Megan, Andrew, and Jelly + friends. I'm still missing James...he got his stitches out last week and since then has been partying :/. It's looking like I might not make it down to SC in July b/c I still have no job. Not only that, but if James doesn't start working soon, he may not be able to come back the 1st of August as planned...so I'm kinda bummed out. If he doesn't come up @ the beginning of Aug, I may already be up @ school, since I have to be there by the 16th. I can't leave that whole week, b/c of Alpha Phi stuff so it's going to be rough.

I got my grades and have gone from Academic Probation to Dean's List. Needless to say...the parents are pleased. I added a class to my schedule and am now taking 16 credit hours, and I'll also be working on campus. I'm excited that I have a job lined up =D...

I got my roomate assignment - Stacy Davis, but her phone's been disconnected, so I wrote a letter after getting NO help from the DOR. Stupid whores :p. Yesterday I had a big long talk with my mom. It actually helped a lot - it started because she wanted to talk about me going to South Carolina and how she's really concerned about the sexual aspect of mine and James' relationship. I assured she has absolutely nothing to worry about, which she doesn't. We talk about this all the time - Me and James - and he knows exactly how innocent I am, and that I plan on staying pretty much like that for a while. I've asked him about 20384203847 times if he's sure he can put up with that, and by now I'm fairly trusting that he can/will. If not...well, there's not much that can be done about it b/c there is no way that I'll compromise myself about something that important to me. It's just not worth it to me right now. That could change later...but for now I'm pretty steadfast.

We moved on to talking about Brian + Amanda, because she was wondering what's up w/my "friendship" with them. Basically, I've decided it's not worth it to try anymore. That's what it pretty much comes down to. I was talking to Megan + Matt the other day about them, and Megan mentioned that Amanda wanted to "reconcile with me" or something stupid like that. Matt replied with "there's a limit to 5 of those a year". I just laughed, and I pretty much agree. I think when I was friends with them, I was putting a lot more effort into it than they were. I don't need to deal with people who don't give a shit about me, when I have plenty of friends who do. I'm just tired of dealing with them, and there's no reason for it b/c I'm very happy right now without all the aggravation that comes along w/trying to maintain a relationship with them.

I don't know, right now I'm very content with my life and all the people who are in it, and those who aren't as well. It's not going to be a terrific summer, because I would honestly about 100x's happier if James were here, but it's not going to happen and there is just no point in being miserable about it when I can be out w/friends, enjoying the break. It's not the greatest situation in the world to meet someone and start falling in love with them, and then have them move 1200 miles away, but it could be a hell of a lot worse. I've waited 18 years already, so another 2 or 2 1/2 months is nothing.

Then again, it's easy to rationalize it, but that doesn't make it any more fun to deal with :/.

( the mirror image)

epiphanies, double-chocolate brownies, and full frontal snogging   
06:49pm 29/05/2003
mood: content
Flo has retreated, and w/it ... my negative moods seem to have been swept away too.

Had sort of an epiphany last night. I already wrote about it in my paper journal, so I won't go into a whole lot of details, but epiphanies are epiphanies, so here's the jist of it. I went over to Megan K's last night, and Nick/Amanda/Brian were there. I went with Nicole. I didn't NOT enjoy myself, but I made some really interesting realizations about these people. It's nothing I want to delve into, but suffice it to say that it's really enlightening to hang around with people who were once your really good friends, and get more of an outsiders perspective on them. When you aren't in on the jokes, it leaves you free + clear to come to your own conclusions about their real...selfs.

These past few weeks I've been feeling really strange about my friends and such. I thought it was because my circle of friends is changing a LOT lately, and I just figured there is always an adjustment period when that happens. But the more I've thought about it, the more I realized that it isn't my friends who are changing, it's me. In fact, they are exactly the same, and that's the problem - because I'm not. I'm not the same person I was a year ago when I lived at home and was with these people 24/7. I think that being away @ college has kind of...helped me to become my own person. I look at myself and my life independently of how others around me see me.

In high school, so much of my self-image was completey dependent on factors outside of myself. If people liked me and thought I was cool and funny, it meant I was a worthwhile person. If I was going through changes w/friends or whatever, then I got depressed and lonely and felt worthless. But now...it's like I understand that who I am doesn't depend on what THEY think of me. I am who I am, no matter what anyone else thinks. If I stay at home at night and look up at the stars and talk to this boy who I'm falling in love with, who lives 1200 miles away from me at the moment...my friends might look at that, and think "How boring. How pathetic. Why isn't she out having fun?" A year ago, that would bother me. I would change what I was doing because of that. But now? I know that as long as I'm happy with what I'm doing...as long as I know that my life is OK, well...that's enough.

I still need my friends, but I don't need their approval.

Speaking of friends, yesterday was a day full of them, so I guess I can step off the soapbox and talk about normality for a while, hehehe. After HHS got let out, I called Matt and asked him to come to Toys-R-Us with me so that I could get an application. Megan just started working there, so I figured it was worth a shot. So we went, chatted w/her, filled out the app, and then headed down to Cafe Manna Java. After that I went back to his house and we watched 1/2 of 'All the Presidents Men' [CONFUSING].....it was a really good time. Matt really is an amazing person - no matter what, he's always just...a great friend. Seriously. We can talk about v. serious, deep emotional issues that we have with friends/family/bf + gf stuff/school/ourselves, anything. Then we can laugh hysterically for 20 minutes about old people. It's just ... I don't know, very SATISFYING to have him as a friend. I really appreciate him and I'm SO grateful that I can talk + hang out with him. We understand each other really well.

So at about 10 pm I left Matt to his homework and headed over to Jelly's house. Megan had mentioned hanging out, so me + Jelly went to my house for snacks and gas $$, and then over to Barrington Lakes. This is where it kind of....not went downhill, but just made me more contemplative than enthusiastic. We all watched Goldmember, and then "played twister" - um, yeah, we'll leave it at that. Let's just say that after that, I texted James and made my escape.

Last night talking to James was...Great. That's all there is to it. It was so much WHAT we talked about [lol], it was the way in which it happened. I was completely comfortable - laughing and talkative, and he was really responsive and just...it was just really nice to know that we CAN hold a normal conversation without me freaking out about looking stupid or saying the wrong thing. I think my new-found confidence in myself has a lot to do with this as well. At any rate, it was a great way to send him to his weekend @ the beach house [I won't get to talk to him till Monday probably, but it'll be OK].

Megan gave me these great books that are like a 14-yr. old version of Bridget Jones. They are a pretty good read, so I'll some distraction :]....Anyway, time for me to go. I smell like grass, from mowing the lawn :p, ew !

( the mirror image)

the tears dried by morning   
01:42pm 25/05/2003
mood: okay
So yesterday was fairly uneventful...I came home from Jelly's around noon, and just kinda hung out around the house. A little boy from our neighborhood was missing in the early evening...Jacob, from across the street. So the whole neighborhood was out combing the woods and the huge field @ the end of our street for him. Four police cruisers were called in, and had helped to organize the search, when we heard Jacob's mom scream "Oh for God's sake, HE'S UNDER HIS BED."

It was soooo funny.

Let's see...after that me and my parents went to Betty Jane's for ice cream. Then I went over to my luffer's house again. Jesse and Mike and Steve were going to hang out too though, so I decided to leave. It's not that I don't like them, but I feel really retarded hanging out w/someone else's friends. Actually, I don't even mind hanging around w/Jesse - I've spent entire days w/him and Jelly, and it's fine. With pretty much all the rest of those guys though, with the exception of Josh, I just feel...out of place. Or something. So anyway.

On the way home I started to get that IMJ feeling. So I did some more work on the CD I'm making for him. I need Kazaa to work though, cuz I need some songs that I don't have DL'd on my computer. This CD is harder than I thought it would be, cuz I want him to like it, so I'm trying to find songs that not only remind me of him [that would be easy], but also ones that he's going to want to listen to, lol. THAT'S not so easy. :p

Today I'm going to clean out my closet. It'll be such a fun [snort] day, lemme tell ya. :pppppppppp

( the mirror image)

dependent and independent variables   
02:30pm 24/05/2003
mood: gloomy
I'm a dependent variable right now.

Sigh. So...I turned in some jobs apps, which is good. I'm hoping that I either get the hostessing position [cuz it would be easy] or Petco, cuz it would be fun, and would probably pay better and give me more hours. I hung out w/my luffer all day yesterday - she came w/me to get job applications and then I went back to her house at like 7, to do an ab workout w/her. I'm taking the weekend off from working out, cuz ow! Then her/jesse/me/mike went bowling, and afterwards me n her n jesse got The One and I fell asleep @ her house watching it [I had planned to sleep over anyway].

But yea...I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, bowling was fun, the movie was ok...I'm just...sad. I know why too - I just miss James so much. It sounds really stupid, I know. I should be happy that it's summer, having fun w/my friends, blahblahblah. But I'm not. Half the time I just want to literally lay down outside and cry, which sounds SO pathetic, even to me. Trust me, I realize how retarded it is, but I can't help it. The first guy who has ever loved me - the first guy who I've ever loved...is 1000 miles away and there's no chance that I'll see him for at least 40 more days.

The whole situation just sucks. The worst part of it is, is that I'm MAD at myself for feeling like this. Because I know that he misses me, but I also know he's not miserable about it, and I don't want to be either!! I just want to have fun and enjoy 2 months without school. But I can't because it's 2 months without him.

I'm just in a pissy, negative mood. I really hope this has to do w/my period and not with anything real.

Fuck off, world. :( :(

( the mirror image)

denise austin should be shot :)   
09:51am 23/05/2003
mood: accomplished

Hahaha, I just got done working out. I'm so freaking sore, but it feels SO GOOD. Muah - I love workout highs. I did 20 minutes of Pilates (die, Denise, die - it's seriously hard!), 20 minutes on the treadmill, and 15 minutes of weight training. Now I just need to convince myself to do 100 crunches.

Rawr. Crunches are my least favorite part of my workout. Bah. Mreh. Shmeh.


Ok. Time for crrrrrunches, shower, job applications. Motivation, motivation, motivation !!

[-13.04 is my motivation for today, lolol]


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work hard [so you can] play harder   
12:28am 22/05/2003
mood: good
Not a bad day overall. Dinner @ home was actually really good, after all that pointless whining I did - chicken, rice and cauliflower. A nice change from cheesey gordita crunches, and junk food. I had a funny thought while I was eating - my mom thinks she's preventing me from "being eating disordered" by making me eat dinner at home, but I'm actually eating healthier and less calories there, than when I eat w/friends. Heh heh, she's retarded like that. So after dinner I went out and did some yardwork for her, which was actually kind of nice, cuz I didn't do anything all day. Sometimes I forget that it can feel good to be productive. Plus, I got paid 5 dollars afterwards - I didn't know she was actually going to give me $$ to do these stupid lists of hers. So I guess I can't complain.

By the time I was done w/the yardwork though, it was too late to go to the park w/Andrew cuz AI was going to be on. So me + mom went to DQ and got dipped cones [I got a medium, fatass :p]. Ruben won, so I'm kinda dissapointed. He's good, but I thought Clay was a lot better. Oh well, not the end of the world. After that I was messing around w/my computer and I got AOL to work on it!! Well, sort of - I can get to the message boards and AOL features, but not any web adresses, and I can't IM anyone. So that's kinda sucky, but better than nothing.

Then Andrew called and I talked to him for like 1/2 an hour. He cracks me up, and he's so nice!! He kept complimenting me, which is great fun. Plus he told me all about his boyfriend, it was really cute. Then I got a text message from Sarah A., which is cool. So I texted her back, and then I sent one to James asking if he was actually sober, lol. He got a kick out of that, and called me - we talked for a little bit, and he was really hyper. It was pretty funny - I laughed for real, for the first time on the phone w/him. Good stuff, then he wanted to watch his movie, so I came downstairs and pigged out on Sun Chips [gr] and read random LJ's.

Aight, I am GOING TO BED now, so that I can get up tommorow and workout/get a job/be a not-lazy-assed person. Muahahaha. Oh, and on a sidenote - being a girl sucks [the real Aunt Flo came to visit, and I don't mean Matt, hahahaha]. Sweet dreams, world.

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how did this restlessness turn into a day?   
04:58pm 21/05/2003
mood: pessimistic
Gah. I'm mad at myself for once again getting up in the afternoon. I need to get my sleep cycles straightened out, seriously. I was actually going to go to bed @ around 12:30 last night [well, morning]...but James had texted me, asking if I was still awake, so I called him. His friends had come over and gotten him drunk, lol. It's weird though, he stays really coherent/normal while he's drunk, which is really suprising considering he's on meds too. It's probably not a great idea for him to be drinking while he's taking that stuff, but I'm not his mom, so oh well...Anyway - we sort of started to talk about us, but since he was drunk/high-ish, it didn't really work out that great. I did manage to tell him about that whole label-not-knowing-how-he-see's-me thing, but he didn't clear it up any. At least he knows how I feel now. :/ He asked me again if I had 'found a replacement' for him yet. I think it's cute as hell that he's actually worried I'm going to get bored/lonely, and find some other random guy. It doesn't even work like that for me when I'm single!! Other than Seth and a few other random people, no-one but him has really been interested in me this year. There've been a few, but nobody that I was interested in.

I dunno, guys aren't something I think a lot about normally. James is a whole different story, of course. He asked me last night if I ever think about him, and I just had to laugh - considering he's on my mind almost constantly. I miss him so fucking much ;[...Last night, he said something that kinda scared me. I don't know if it's just cuz of the alcohol, and him being kinda depressed about surgery, or whatnot....but he was saying that he might not ever be able to play basketball again. If that's true, it would be absolutely terrible. First of all, because basketball is such a big part of his life, and more than anything, I want him to be happy - and I have the feeling it'd be incredibly hard on him. But also, and this is soooo selfish, but I can't help thinking - that if he loses his bball scholarship, he wouldn't really have any reason to keep going to school @ UD. I wonder if he'd transfer somewhere in SC? And then I'd ... well, I'd pretty much never see him. I just couldn't do that. Three months over the summer : that I can deal with. But, him going to school down there too?? Yea, I'm just not in a place right now, where I'd be willing to do it. It's hard enough already, and it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet!!

So, that's kind of got me worried. But I guess there's really no point in getting wrapped up in it, b/c we won't know for a long while whether he'll be good to play or not, and what'll happen if he isn't. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Anyway though, moving on. Andrew IM'd me today, he's so pissed that I didn't tell him that I'm back in town, hahaha. My bad! I've been hanging out w/Jelly so much that I sort of forgot about everyone else!! :x! So I'm going to go to the park with him, and maybe his boyfriend (awww!!) tonight after dinner. Ok...here's yet ANOTHER thing that is annoying the hell out of me....

[sorry for all the bitching in this entry]

...my mom is back on my case about eating. Here's the deal - in high school, I had gained some weight, not a lot, but some - and so I wasn't eating as much. She noticed and convinced herself that I was anorexic. At the time I thought she was completely full of shit, and it made me so mad that I purposely ate even less, just to piss her off. Looking back on it, it was really stupid of me, and I've thought about it a lot, and realized that I probably did have some eating disorder habits. I was counthing calories and restricting pretty severely, to the point where I'd only eat maybe 800-1000 cals a day. So it isn't like I was starving myself, but I was definitely not eating a normal amount. Anyway...I'm completely fine now - I gained like 15 pounds in college, and I weigh around 125-128 right now, which is if anything, a little chunky for my height/bone structure. I eat a ton, and I exercise regularly, but I don't over-do it, so I'm pretty damn healthy overall. Well. She has herself convinced that I'm anorexic again.

I can see why she would think that - I rarely eat at home, because I eat tons and tons of food when I'm out with friends - that's pretty much all I do, is eat Taco Bell and CKY, and all that. So I don't eat at home, and I exercise for an hour or two a day, usually. So what she's seeing is that I'm not eating, and exercising a lot. But what she refuses to believe is that I eat so much, that I need that much exercise just to keep myself from turning into Fat Katie. Seriously. She's getting insane about it, and is now insisting that I eat dinner at home, so she can "make sure I'm not going back to that ED stuff". GAHHHHHHHH....

I'm 18, and it just bothers me how incredibly controlling she can be at times. It seriously makes me so angry that I'm more likely to NOT eat, just to piss her off. I know that's stupid, but that's seriously how she makes me feel.

Ok, I swear I'm done ranting now.

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mrawr, 2nd fucking tuesday !   
02:28pm 20/05/2003
mood: blah
YAWN! I dunno what's wrong with me, but I've been so sleepy lately. I just woke up @ 2:00! Granted, I didn't go to sleep until 4 AM, but still!! I think I'm going to stay home tonight and go to bed really early, so that I can actually wake up in the *morning* tommorow. What a concept.

I seriously <3 new stuff. Yesterday me n my luffer kinda shopped around - Target and Old Navy. I got cute [cheap!] shoes from Target + a tank top and journal from ON. Lalala. I really need some shorts and some other summer stuff though. My mom is being a BIATCH and won't get me anything till I have a job. How does that work, exactly?

My boy is online, but has his away message up :/...Maybe I'll give him a call later today since I'm planning on just staying @ home. I really wish my computer was working, so that I could burn all my Kazaa music onto CD's, but noooo, my ass-tard of a father wouldn't fix it last night. Bah. He'd better tonight, or I'll be mad!

So tommorow I really am going to get job apps-
Eagles (both)

Hopefully one of those places is actually hiring, lol. I know Target isn't right now, but Imma try anyway, it can't hurt. I just really do not want to work in a restraunt, and especially not fast food! I was thinking though, that it mihgt be fun to work @ Cafe Manna Java or Boulevard Joes, since they are both college-y coffee places. So maybe I'll drag Matt or Jelly along w/me and see if they are hiring. Whee!

Okay, well, I think I might try uploading some pictures onto Yahoo [since Picturetrail sucks ass], or maybe...shower? Hahaha, might be a good idea. I was reading Jelly's Cosmo the other day, and there was this really cute hair thing I want to try. You put it up in 4 bun things while it's wet, and then blow dry it, and take it down and it's s'posed to make it all wavy. My hair is randomly wavy anyway, but not in a good way, more in a it-looks-like-I-don't-brush-it way...so maybe this will make it look better. Muaha.

Watch it not work, and I just end up w/4 dripping wet buns on top of my head. Yah, most likely. Peace!

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shake it once, that's OK   
01:58am 20/05/2003
mood: lonely
Hung out w/Jesse and Jelly today, it was pretty fun! GOD, Jelly cracks me up. We can seriously laugh our asses off about something sooo retarded, and it's just great. Muah. Lucky me to have fun-ass friends. I ate lunch w/Mary and Kari and my luffer, at ChooChoo Charlies. God-damn, God-damn...that place is expensive as hell! I was really mad that my meal was 10 something, fucking gr!

I got to talk to baby James tonight, which is good. He's so miserable though, I want to kiss him and make it all better ;(. I love hanging out w/the J&J crew, but it makes me miss my boy even more. I asked him about Jelly coming with to SC, and he was all hesitant. Does he not even want me to come now? I wish I knew what he was thinking. Usually he's the one who's all 'I never know what you're thinking, ya gotta talk to me more'...but lately he's been kinda quiet. Hmph, it worries me. I hope he writes back when he gets my letter, maybe he'll give me some insight as to how he thinks things are going/will go, between us.

I'm being honest when I say that I don't need a label like boyfriend/girlfriend...but it seems like it makes things a lot more difficult without one. It's just harder for me to understand how he sees me. Obviously I know that I'm more than just a friend, but what am I to him? Does he still 'love' me? I wish I knew, but he won't say it anymore till I can, is what he told me. That kind of makes me angry in a way - not really, but sort of. I guess, more confused than mad. I don't know.

I'm new to this relationship thing, and I just want everything to be OK. I miss him.

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down by the river skipping rocks + playing life   
08:54pm 18/05/2003
mood: sleepy
music: bah, i need to burn some cd's fo sho
Great day, if I do say so myself. I was on my way into town to get some Bell of the Taco for lunch, when I noticed my luffer had called me. Gave her a ring, and got the go-ahead to eat my lunch w/her. We just kinda hung out/lazed around/read Cosmo [scary sex tips, ahhh!]...It really is crazy how avoidant I am about that kind of stuff. I guess most people would read that kind of thing and just kind of get a chuckle out of it, maybe even think about trying some of it out (??) But I'm just totally...ew. I dunno, I think I'm defective or something. Or just not mature enough for that kinda shittie.

Anyway, eventually friend Matt called (yayy!) and he came over. The 3 of us just hung out and laughed and stuff, I looove hanging out w/the two of them - combined they are absolutely hysterical and we always get laughing about the stupidest things. Matt had a good time @ prom, and him and Jessica are officially doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing now, which is awesome! See, I can actually be excited for all my friends who are dating, b/c so am I! When's the last time THAT happened?? James finally called me back, so I was really happy bout that...

I feel so bad for my baby though! Apparently, a lot more was wrong than they had anticipated. He had torn ligaments and a bone chip and all kinds of stuff ;( ... my poor boy. He's on some pretty strong meds, so he was kinda out of it, but he did have a great story about getting drunk while on the meds (ohhhh geez!). His house phone rang while we were talking, and I could hear him swearing and stuff trying to get it, and I felt so incredibly bad! You have no idea how much I wish I was there to keep him company + take care of him (minus his reccomendation of a sponge bath, hehe). So yea, my boy is in a lot of pain, unfortunately. I wish he was a little more talkative on the phone, but I can't blame him after all that I guess. Ah well - maybe when he goes of the meds he'll get beter. Cuz I think I'm finally getting the hang of talking to him on the phone.

It sounds so retarded, I know...but something about him throws me for a loop kinda. I could talk to Matt or Jelly for hours, but w/James it's harder and I don't know why. It's getting easier though, so as soon as he's not high as a kite, that'll be good, lol...

Anyway, after I talked to my boy, my luffer read Cosmo + I gave Matt a hand massage that put him to sleep, haha. I'm either really bad @ it, or really good, lol. Then after that, let's see...we hung around for a while talking to KK and looking @ Tupperware (she's so crazy), then we went over to Taco Bell. I ate a lot, but the 'I-need-to-throw-up' feeling wasn't nearly as bad @ dinner. I think I might have acid reflux disease or something. My mom has it, and she's told me about it before, it kinda sounds like it. I'll wait a couple days though, I could just be catching something. After that we decided to go down to the river, but we stopped @ my house for a radio. WE FOUND THE ROAD TO THE GOD TREE SPOT !!

It's soooo nice down there. If I wasn't such a baby, I'd go by myself b/c the 1/2circle is a really good 'thinking' spot. But it's downtown in a not-great area (even though DBQ is pretty damn safe), so I dunno if I'll be venturing down there on my own. I really wish James had been there though. Sigh, I miss him. Damn that SC. Anyway, we walked around and listened to music and threw rocks in the river, haha. BIG BUGS, eee.

After that we were driving, and Matt realized he should get home (muaha, high schoolers, I tell ya!). So I dropped him and Jells off @ her house, came home, took a shower, and now I'm typing this. I need to get to bed early tonight considering I've had approx. 4 hours sleep in the past 48 hours. Busy weekend ;)...

Aight. Time to find out about a yahoo pictures account, and then it's beeeeedddd time!

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break it up, break it in   
10:21am 18/05/2003
mood: accomplished
music: nada, rawr !
Today had a great start...

Didn't go to bed, so I was working on stuff to send to James as the sunlight rolled in through the windows. Around 8 I stopped for breakfast. Cinnamon Apple oatmeal, sitting on the kitchen counter, blasting Something Corporate @ 8 AM, with no parents to stop me? Yea, baby.

I wonder if what I made him is too girlie? I think all-together it's a little much, so maybe I'll cut it up and send it with seperate letters. Sounds good to me...Ok. Other things to do to send to my boy:

1.)Picture of me w/oranges
2.)"I miss you" in pictures
3.)CD, if my computer ever works again
4.)Finish/Redo "My Thoughts" and "Questions I Asked"

That's all I can think of right now. I think any time our relationship is threatened, (ie: Jelly and her posse making way too big of a deal about me hanging out with Josh ... I like him, yeah, as a FRIEND) it just makes me that much more determined to make this all work. I can do it, I love this boy. 3 months is nothing. Plus I have some time to grow up, especially w/the physical aspect of it all, get used to that idea. Which will probably be a big relief for James if I can just get a little more comfortable w/all that. :p

I can't believe it's only 10:30 - playing the no-sleep game really throws ya off. I think I'll finish up w/adjusting the colors on this journal, check e-mail, work out (?),shower it up, go get lunch, and then give James another call. I'm starting to get worried that he hasn't gotten back to me yet - I left a voicemail yesterday, and texted him last night. I really hope everything went ok w/his surgery, ee.

The parents come back this afternoon ;[. I don't think I'll do anything tonight, unless my luffer still wants me to go visit Jesse @ CCC w/her. Then I will most definitely do that. I feel so bad for her about last night, hopefully she made it into work and everything.

Ok, time to make this template non-ugly. Buah.

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