Atlas' Blurty
 
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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Atlas' Blurty:

    Thursday, March 18th, 2004
    8:43 pm
    Living On My Own Private Idaho...
    ...Ha! Wouldn't that be nice. Bleck.
    Well, I haven't written in here in an UBER long time. So. I better get crackin'. Currently, I am visiting my mother up in Maple Valley, Washington. Boy...does it suck. Ugh. Nagging and lies. And crap that I don't want to handle. Missing and wanting and not recieving. All the components of being alone. My poor siblings...sister and brother...having to live through it all.
    Example: My sister is angry at my mom upstairs. She puts in Cursive and plays the music very loud. Mother responds, "Why does she have to play that Hell music?" To which I reply,"That music isn't Hell. It's Cursive." My step-father gets anal and asks, "What does Cursive mean?" So I say, "I don't know...the handwriting?" So he gets even more mad because I was being 'smart'...which I wasn't. My mom then says, "Cursive for cursing." And I laugh. Because I hate it all. Fat. Unclean. Rude. Sarcastic. Mormon. Resticted. Everything here...that should be good...is taken from me. This family. Always complaining. But...at least they let me drive now. They haven't an excuse anymore. So, I sneak away. And see my friends. Wish I shouldn't have because now I miss them ever the more. Oh...how I love them. They should all move. To Utah. It would be so nice. How they have all changed and grown! Some of them I hadn't seen for 2 years...ugh. But they are still the same at heart. And they all know me. And miss me. And love me. Unlike the friends I have in Utah. Who just use me. Abuse me. Most people don't like me. I'm just a car. A ride. A taxi. A bank. A resturaunt. A last resort. But here....here, I am remembered for me. My true self. Personality. Originality. Creativity. Make-out skills...hee hee...everything Utah hates. Because it's Utah.
    ...Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I moved. It was for the better. I wouldn't have done the things I've done. Met the people I've met and love. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere. I can graduate. I can be somebody. It's healthy.
    ...That's my shpeal (how do you spell that word?) on that. Anywho...I'm on the pill now. Medicinal purposes as well as that my parents don't want me to mother a child. So they know I have sex. I had to go to the gynochologist. And I stopped doing drugs. For the time being. Because I love someone. A whole very lot. And it is depressing. Because I can never see him. So...yeah. At least he's not a "pervert" anymore. Got that all cleared up. End of April...I just can't wait.
    ...I have to dye my hair white. For the new play I'm in. Richard III. As well as Up the Down Staircase. So many things to do. I have homework to catch up on this fine Spring Break. And lines to memorize. And yada yada. Well.

    I have a date tonight. With a boy. And I have to go get ready now. BRUCH MY TEETH. And such. Heh heh. So, I guess I will end this. Long entry.

    Grr...it's not going to show on the bottom...so I'll do it myself:

    Current Mood: I don't quite know. A mixture of things.
    Current Music: The B52's.
    Monday, February 23rd, 2004
    10:41 am
    Rock Not While I Draw
    I told myself I didn't have time to update today. But I need to.
    The Coheed and Cambria concert was mad sex. I loved it. Like I love my man. And my friends. And the world. I am in a loving mood. But I think I need to get off. They are starting to yell. I'll finish later....

    Current Mood: Daniel
    Current Music: Cursive
    Thursday, February 19th, 2004
    10:38 am
    Constitute Can Cancer
    Wow. Whoa. Well.
    I haven't written in here for decades.
    In a couple hours I will be leaving for Coheed and Cambria. Joy! I was supposed to take my sister as a Christmas present, but she douched out at the last moment. Now I'm taking Coheed. Ha ha. Perfect! So, I am UBER happy. Well...and sad.
    ...My parents are whores. Silent treatments. Taking away my car. No privacy. Soon to lose my phone jack. What the fuck is wrong with them? Perhaps it is me, but it seems like the better I do for them the worse it gets. Ugh. I don't know anymore. I just hope this weekend will be good.
    Mmm...I smell Top Ramen. I love Top Ramen. In fact, I'll go home and have some for lunch. Yummy. That sounds so good.

    I need to borrow a quarter. For a ring. A Love Ring. Hee hee. Yeah.

    ...My black sketch book full of everything I love was stolen. Paintings. Drawings. Letters. Homework assingments. Fucking sick people who get off reading other peoples shit.
    I, also, lost my wallet last night. But it was returned to me this morning. It had fallen out of my pants I was carrying as I was running across the parking lot. There wasn't any money in it, so nobody would want to keep it. Unless they need some extra condoms or something. Heh heh. But. That is all that is interesting in my life. Other than we bought a ton of hooch last weekend. And will buy more this weekend. I prefer weed, though.
    Yeah.
    The End...mmm, I get to make out today.

    Current Mood: Happy/Sad
    Current Music: Depeche Mode
    Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
    10:48 am
    Out Of Many
    I got my letter from my love. Hee hee.
    The sonnet written in it is the best ever!
    I guess I'll just have to include it in this entry:

    ...Sonnet v. 1.012523375beta...
    Electric brown marker of jubilant mirth
    Forming the words to send to my love.
    Pressed to the paper it gives birth
    to fill up this paper, only kind of.
    Streaming my thoughts for fourteen lines,
    it tells of an ardency out of reach,
    For in this happy valley confined
    and all that be done is to beseech.
    Come live in my home, my joint, my nest.
    For void of one who cares it rests.
    Certainly it would be best.
    Stupid girl, I've become obsessed.
    Only your presence can attenuate
    my current psychological state!

    Hooray. I think it is cute.
    Well...I can't stay long.
    I've ditched class far too often.
    Jefferson and I wrote a song. It is beautiful. It only took an hour or so. She played the guitar while I sung the lyrics. It is about our fading realtionship. It makes me cry. Ha. Man, I can't wait to start this effing band again. AGAIN!
    ...It'll be an indie something-or-other type band. Bedside Brides...? So far, that is us.
    Jefferson on guitar/lead vocals. Coheed on guitar, as well. Treble on drums/vocals (when she wants), Leech on bass(...?...), and me on synthesizer/vocals. It'll be hot.
    Hot Skiddy Dick.
    Hee hee.
    I'm going to class now...

    Man. How I wish I were osculating right now!
    Dee-de-dee!

    Current Mood: bouncy
    Current Music: Nightwish
    Monday, February 9th, 2004
    10:52 am
    Dandelions, Decoupage, and Daydreams...
    My update will be brief. Perhaps.
    I hung out this weekend. Got snockered. Hee hee.
    Bitch Beer. Yummy.
    I modeled, odd, on Saturday.
    On Sunday I asked my father if I could attend the Coheed and Cambria show on the 19th in Vegas. He said yes! Yahoo!
    I will be going with Mr. Highland...the smock.
    Hot skiddy. I am excited (Although, I have to bring my sister along for she will be visiting).
    I've been running on no sleep due to the late phone calls from my love. And crazy midnight visits to my window from random boys. It was cold, I just had to let him in. Hmm. Sickie.
    Haggard.
    Ha.
    Well, today I am throwing a picnic. With pizza and cupcakes. It is beautiful sunny warm weather...unlike the rain we suprisingly had been getting the past week of coldness.
    My rushed letter of bliss and moonlit sonnets will be arriving today. I hope.

    ........Why can't I have the superpowers Coheed and I had imagined? Just like X-Men.
    Or, could a wedge of earth be taken out so I would be closer to him?
    Why this love?
    (Mr. Arkansas...you are crazy. You brought it to my attention. This love. I'm glad you are happy for me. But, it is queer. Ugh.
    Do visit, though!
    Play at The Electric Theatre. A Night For Kites. Right? Yes.
    And, I probably will give into your amorous fancies.)

    Senses Fail, Moneen, A Beautiful Mistake, and Boys Night Out on Monday. Hooray!
    So much activity.
    It makes me creative.
    I keep painting more and more water colors. I love to water color. It's easy. Dries quickly. And works well to lyrics.
    I wish I were painting now...
    I need to go buy more water color paper.

    Current Mood: artistic
    Current Music: Green Day...I really like them.Don't know why. Thanks, Jeff.
    Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
    9:05 am
    Wouldn't It Be Lovely?
    Well...well...well.
    So this is love? Hmm.mmm.mmm.mmmm.
    It stinks. But, is also amazing.
    So, I called my Salt Lake lover yesterday...then, I called my First.
    Oh.
    Torn between two lovers, again. Except, my First...I love more. Jefferson was right. Just because he was my first. And.....it is weird how the relationship connevts so well. Ugh. I love him. Truly. Sincere. Talking to him...oh. I just...aaah!...he has a girlfriend now. We talked about when he stayed here for summer. (He lives in California. I met him at Ska Summit.) We reminisced. Oh, it was so fun. Bang. A blast.
    Hee hee.
    So...Coheed has free long-distance...it is my key to the outside world. Bwa! I feel bad, though. But...I'll just get cell soon (with some kind of plan that'll give me that shit.)
    ....So I talked to my First for a super long time on the phone, after I called Mr. SLC. His girlfriend even called his cell-phone!...he lied to her that he was in the shower so he could talk to me. Hee hee. Ha!....
    So, what do I do? I miss him so much. And he me. He told me he loved me...and I said I loved him. It is true. Oh...*sigh*...

    Then, there's my Salt Lake boy. The smock. I just got an email from him.
    Oh, I love him, too. He sent me an email...regarding his visit and his boredom. It was the longer email he has ever sent me...
    I've been writing him a letter. It is taking a long time. It has to be special. Perfectly written. That is the only way a letter can be. Silly. I know. But....Argh! I hate this. I hate love.
    And my dad....who took my car away for Saturday. I was supposed to model hot prom dresses on Saturday...don't quite know why. I hate dresses. But, my boobs look good in them. It'll be funny. Just a girl thing...doing it with a bunch of girls. Modeling. Ha!
    Last night was a night of hurtful emotion. Forked tongues in bitter mouths can drive a man to bleed from the inside out.
    All I want is to love, and be loved in return.



    "L.O.V.E. Love....V.E. Love...G.L.O.V.E. Glove!"

    Current Mood: Sad...but Happy.
    Current Music: Reggie and the Full Effect
    Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
    10:35 am
    What Means This Scene of Rude Impatience?
    Ode to being in love.
    Damn, it's nice.
    My lovely friends from Highland...near Salt Lake...came down. It was so fun! They stayed at my house. My love.
    I cuddled. I kissed. I found what I missed.
    Ugh. I am really happy.
    Twitterpated (spelling?), you could say. *sigh*
    I am excited to go visit them in March.
    I talked to Mr. Arkansas...(you need a better name)...on the phone! He's such a sweetheart. Someone should pay for my plane ticket to go see him. And his lovely friends.
    So, I am afraid for this weekend. Well, not anymore. My step-mother bought me a couple weeks. This kid. Masochistic rapist dude. He asked me on a date...and I, unsuspitioning, said "yes". Then, he took me for a drive in his hot new car. And took off my clothes. I was creeped out. Scared. Fuckshit. He fucking likes to hurt. Pain for pleasure. Yuck. He left bruises and cuts all over my chest. Sick. I mean, bitting and niblling is yummy. But, this was too much.
    ...Anywho...I just wanted to someone to hold me. Love. Me. Cuddle. Me. Kiss. Me. Talk....hold my hand. This I have found. But, long distance doesn't work. Agatha.

    Catching up...I made the play. Up the Down Staircase. It is super funny. Hilarious. I laughed all during our read through of Act I. Hee hee. I am reading The Jungle...for school, mostly. I enjoy the sick descriptions of meat being shuffled across the rat shit on the floor. Dumped into diseased vats that men occasionally fall into. I'm so glad I don't partake in that stuff. Animals are my friends. I don't eat my friends. Speaking of...my hamster died. It was sad. His name was Beelezbub...one of the other names for Satan. He truly was. Killer hamster. But, I still liked him. And his long claws of doom and destruction. Yeah.

    ...Uh...

    "...Ah, so much interest have I in they sorrow
    As I had title in thy noble husband!
    I have bewept a worhty husband's death,
    And lived by looking on his images:
    But now two mirrors of princely semblance
    Are cracke'd in peiced by maglinant death,
    And I for comfort have but one false glass,
    Which grieves me when I see my shame in him..."
    ---some lines of mine from Richard III.

    I guess I will be done. Fazolli's Tuesday. Yum. I am hungry.
    Early out.

    Current Mood: In Love...
    Current Music: Well...the kid beside me is listening to The Used. So, them.
    Monday, January 26th, 2004
    10:38 am
    Pity Party
    So...I read this story that Coheed wrote. (It isn't finished, yet.) It is about "us". The friends. And how we met. She changed the names a bit. I'm Kim.....don't quite know why.
    In the story she talks about how beautiful each one of her friends are. Except me. She wrote I was the weird one. Ugly clothers. Ugly makeup. I even talked ugly!...Emphasizing that I was a big slut. I laughed it off, but it really hurt.
    Today, I dressed up pretty. Curling my hair. Nice makeup. Decent clothes. Earings. I just felt like looking good.
    They didn't say anything.
    Friday, Jefferson dressed up and she got acknowledged by everyone! I get nothing. Ugh. Blah.

    On a lighter note....
    Mr. Arkansas' friend told me to "run and go see Big Fish". So I did. With Jefferson. I admit....I cried. It was unlike Tim Burton's other movies. I really enjoyed it.

    I moved Autumn's loveseat into my room. It's hot. I love how it squeaks when sat upon. (Twill be fun. Hee hee.) Preparing for college. Crazy. I think I'll go to SUU (Southern Utah University). It has a very nice arts department. Plus, the Shakespeare Fesitval is there. Tons of theatre. And, snow. Grass. Trees. Unlike here in St. George. And...it's only half an hour from here. Cedar City.

    Oh! Oh! I'm super excited for this weekend. My Salt Lake friends will be coming down for a visit. Hooray! I told them how much I loved them the other day. I really do.
    ....Ha. I talked with my mom on the phone , and told her about the boys coming down. She replies with, "You hardly know them. Make sure someone else is with yoy the whole time." Rape? Ha ha...little do you know, mother.

    Speaking of love. I really, truly love Jefferson. A couple weekends ago...in the trailer...she was unbelieveably intoxicated. (I was, too...but not near as much as her.) It got really cold. So she snuggled up next to me. She lay there, breathing her cotton-mouthed, liquor breath...and told me how much she missed me. Oh! How I have missed her. These days aren't the same. I love her so much. All of them. But, mostly her. I just wanted to cry. Hold her. Things change, yes. Why? Why can't they stay at that peak of bliss?
    The same with this past weekend. We got high. (Autumn on something I never want to see her on again. Holy hell.) But, I didn't sleep in the trailer. I took Jefferson and Leech over to Jefferson's house. That's where we stayed. We tried watching Haggard, but we passed out. Jefferson was upset. She locked herself in her room. Leech's fault. I still don't like her. Leech. The two pretty boys from LaVerikan (spelling?) had come up to see Jefferson and her. One of them really wanted to meet me...the other had been turned off from Leech's lies. Decieved. I hate that shit.
    Then, Leech turned against Jefferson as well. I sure wish she wouldn't have been picked up. It has always been this way. From the very beginning. She'll be one year closer to our age come Tuesday. 15. So young. So immature. Yuck. And, the whole ordeal was crazy up the ass. I couldn't work my "magic" on any of the guys around. So, I didn' t get any. Too many people.
    The trailer's owner was pissed. There were around 20 of us in there. All we did was make noise, smoke, and watch Super Troopers.

    I need a boyfriend.

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: The Matches
    Friday, January 23rd, 2004
    10:04 am
    Who Gives a Shit....?
    I've been talking to a lovely boy online. He's such a doll.
    Oh!
    I'm being visited next weekend by my good friends in Salt Lake...the same ones I talked about in a previous journal. I can't wait. It'll be terrible fun.
    This'll be just a quick update.
    I am doing well.
    I have staight A's.
    Horray!
    Suprise.
    I'm sitting next to this beautiful boy.
    (The one we through a suprise party for.) He is a good chorister. Hee hee,
    .................That's all. Senses Fail isn't until next month. I lied.
    I have fallen in love with a "new" author. My good Arkansas friend introduced us:

    "We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time."
    - Jack Kerouac

    Current Mood: Horny/Bouncy/Tired
    Current Music: Tori Amos
    Saturday, January 17th, 2004
    3:36 pm
    War of the Roses
    Nothing. School. Diffys. Work. Drugs.
    The usual.
    Saw Guttermouth the other night. Last night was the Higher. And, Senses Fail will be on Monday.
    It's the month for shows.
    Crazy St. George.
    Man, Autumn is the funniest.
    I'm at her house right now. Updating.
    Meeting new, beautiful people.
    Regaining friendships.

    Ugh.
    I got zero sleep last night.
    We all slept over in the trailer. It was so cold and crowded. But, better than the firehouse.
    Creepy.

    Oh! Did I mention I made the Shakespear play?
    The Life and Death of Richard the III.
    ....Mafia-style.
    I am the Duchess of York.
    1920s-30s....
    I am the wilting red rose.

    Current Mood: dizzy
    Current Music: Reggie and the Full Effect
    Friday, January 9th, 2004
    10:22 am
    Woo Woo Gnar Kill
    La la la.
    I have been back and attending school.
    Joy.
    Nothing much to say. Hanging out with my new...very pretty.. friends.

    (I will be drawing one of them for art, and I'll keep his lovely snapshot.)
    Hee hee.

    I wrote a poem. Autumn inspired me to:

    .Samaritan.
    Armed in religion too afraid to shoot
    Curly-ques of questions need straightened
    The words skatter rainbows
    Those of the diamond shards
    Unclasped on the floor
    Put aside the pastelic hues
    Find a palette of black and white
    Paint in blasphemy
    Strokes of vulgar prophetry
    Undress the robes removing colar
    Turn to cry crucify
    The actions of a gloom face
    Searching barren lands
    Following pointed figners
    Never unveil the weapon
    A holster beating heart

    That's my poem.

    Friday. That's today.
    I wonder what I will do this weekend...?

    Autumn and I are the only ones left at work...they fired all the others.
    Ha.
    ......Heaven in a botte. That's vanilla milk. Yum. With a macadamia nut cookie......

    I'm eloping to Spain and learning how to fence.
    Finally, a storybook ending.

    Current Mood: chipper
    Current Music: The Darkness...I believe in the rhythm of the heart.
    Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
    5:17 pm
    Secret Birthday Suprise!
    Well, this'll be short. But, Christmas stunk.
    Now, I am secretly hiding in a friend's house to throw him a suprise party.
    I'm also using his computer.
    Ha.
    It is very fun.
    And spooky.
    Breaking and entering.
    Tsk tsk.
    I haven't anyone to trust in...other than those who live away from me. But, that doesn't help. I would love to move away from here.
    Please!
    Although, I do like these new-found friends.
    Boys.
    Always better than girls. I have always thought that.
    My Dad found my condoms...ha ha.
    He will never trust me again.
    Oh...and I'm depressed.
    I left 88 cds on the airplane. Blah.
    So, I bought an albino snake to make up for it. He's pretty.
    ......along with the boys hiding with me in this house.
    Saturday, December 20th, 2003
    12:29 am
    Little April Showers...
    Rain.
    Rain.
    Rain.
    The flight was...terrible. I don't mind the bumps, but I couldn't sleep. Stupid cough.
    The landing was scary. The ground too wet.
    I have little time to spend with my friends, here.
    A night, perhaps.
    Tomorrow morning, as well.
    Then, to the land of snow and pretty boys.
    Canada.
    ...I heard at our hotel there will be a hot tub on the balcony facing the harbor...
    And, snow.
    As I sit and bask in warmth, the flakes will drift softly by.
    The hour grows late.
    This blog now closes.
    Blog?
    My mom's crazy.

    Current Mood: Groggy, but happy.
    Current Music: The Yeah Yeah Yeah's
    Friday, December 19th, 2003
    9:37 am
    Evening of the Day
    Mid-morning.
    Ha.
    Last day of school this year! Oh, goodness.
    I'm leaving up to Washington tonight. Then, to Canada.
    Snow. And more cold, crsip air.
    I'm sitting next to two lovely people. Typing in the lab. Hair...has a blue mouth. Folds is just a sweetie.
    CHoeed told me so cute stuff about Folds. Hee hee.
    Oh, yay! I'm so excited. I can't wait to go see my family. And, friends!

    I hope to get a pretty Canadian partner while I'm up there. And, perhaps, I'll go the weed bars. Ha. Yum.

    Things have been going somewhat smoothly.
    I went shopping for last minte Christmas needs last night. I'm so clever. I hope my dad will enjoy his gift. And...everyone else. I wont be able to make me friend's gifts until later.
    I went to court yesterday...for a ticket. I only had to pay a 50 dollar fine. Unless, I get any tickets or citations in the next 6 months. (Which will be very hard. ) If I break that, I'll have to pay 550 bucks and/or 10 days in jail. Pooface.
    Argh.
    I need to get my shit from Leech's house. If she'll give it back. Stupid.
    Last night Coheed and I (when we were shopping) has a grand time. I told her about my secret night under the stars with my buddy from work. Coheed is the only one who'll actually keep a secret. Which...is really depressing.
    Peter Pan. Yum. He lives in Washington. I can't wait.

    "I'm a thousand miles away on another sunny day. As I'm looking at the view, all I'm thinking about is you."

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: Supergrass
    Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
    10:50 am
    Yesterday was lovely.
    I was so horny!
    Ha.
    So...I made arrangements with this boy in my Math class to meet after school.
    I only had a few minutes, but it was enough time for a quickie. Hee hee.
    That was nice.
    But...there's more! A great friend of mine at work decided he wanted to hang out...after we got off.
    We clocked out, then met under the stars at our secret location in the desert.
    It was cold.
    I pulled out my weed blanket..the one we hot box under...to snuggle.

    Current Mood: horny
    Current Music: Computer keys clicking...
    Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
    11:08 am
    Select, Reset, Complete.
    This weekend was unbelievable.
    Salt Lake.
    Snow.
    Cold, crisp air.
    I had the privledge of going up for a Choir Trip. I hung out with two beautiful people. Magic. The rush of a big city. I've decided it is where I will be moving to. Attend College. Achieve. Make a difference. Make noise.
    Chills.
    Everytime I go up there I get this never-ending happiness. Elite. Ulitimate. Never Ending Story. It was amazing being appreciated. Until...Jefferson began again. Ugh. But, other than that...it was lovely! At the Trax station a very chivalrous young man called me attractive. It was so nice to get a compliment. From a complete stranger...sigh...It is so pretty. The lights. The city. The people. The green.
    Oh, the trees.
    It is like Washington without the rain. Perhaps that's why I want to move there.
    I did have a decent bit of bonding time with Jefferson and Treble. After my beautiful friends left, we all stripped to our underwear and jumped back and forth ont he beds. Then, we painted up our faces and put on bathrobes. We were gonna moon pedestrians, but...there were none! Ha.
    I felt complete. So...full.
    Except for when the choir sung. I had ( and still have) no voice. Especially to sing. Talking is all right. The buildings were beautiful. The acoustics amazing. But, I couldn't be a part of that. That made me a little sad.
    I miss my friends. Although I never see them...(one, I just barely met)...I felt like I was parting with them forever. A void.
    The bus ride home...I mostly slept. I was feeling that empty space. Ugh. I had to wake up to contemplate and store all the emotions I was experiencing. A boy from the front of the bus came back to talk...tearing my gaze from the window. But, all that was said was gossip. Sick. I then taxi-ed Jefferson and Treble to their homes.
    Oh.
    Ha.
    A good friend from work called. Crazy. Out of the blue. He made me laugh. Stalker. Johnny? Very creative...I almost believed him. We conversed. Nothing really important was discussed. I was kind of still down from Jeff...yeah. Whom I talked to him about. But, he doesn't believe me. It's legal now. It would just be terrible to see her hurt him.
    ...Or the beautiful one in Salt Lake.
    "Conversations with my bathroom mirror are never the same as when you are standing here. I'm chicken shit out on the brave frontier. That teenage wasteland..."

    Current Mood: Hungry...ill...afraid
    Current Music: Desa
    Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
    10:54 am
    Strengths and Limitations
    Selfish.
    Everything's so effing selfish.
    Not just everyone, but everyTHING. A flower wants water so it could grow, not caring if the other plants need a drink. Ha ha. What I do affects the selfish family. What I want isn't what the family wants. Selfish. But, co-dependant.
    Why tell the truth when it only gets you into trouble?
    I told my parents I didn't go to work. So, in telling them the truth they blew up. Mostly the evil step-mother of mine. She takes presidence over my well-being. Whenever I do something "wrong", she makes up the consequences. Nagging. Annoying. I thought things would change if I talked. Told him. Nope.
    ...sigh...
    Comfort me. There is no point crying by yourself. It makes the feeling worse. THat's all I long for. Hug me when I'm sad. Damn. Lie next to me in bed. Cuddle. Until the pillow is soaked with tears and my breath slows to sleep. Tuck the hair behind my ears. Just so it wont get wet and in my eyes. That's why I miss my mom. Kind of. I'm jealous of Autumn. When she's scared she just hides under the covers with her mother. I don't have mine here. I have to find the candle myself when the power goes out. I don't have siblings to comfort during a storm. This one here just runs to his mother.
    When I visited Washington for Thanksgiving...I was completely out of the family. Only...my little brother, though 13 come tomorrow, asked if he could sleep in my bed. I miss too much. I fought with my mother, there. I didn't even talk to my step-dad. Weird. He was the only dad I really knew. Especially when we moved out of this state. I'm finally coming to know my father. She has me on a leash. I told her this. But mom just through everything back into my face. It's sick there.
    Shit.
    Piles.
    I'm down. I'm sick. I long for the movie life. The character of a book. Leech says I wouldn't run away. But...how nice that would be! Hide. Away from this town. State. Country. Become dominant.
    I'm taking control. Not speaking to Jefferson. It helps. Feels weird...but yet the same. She doesn't talk back anyway. Too good for me. Took Treble. Took Leech. Trying to take Coheed...and did for a brief period.
    Secrets.
    I told one.
    It wasn't really supposed to be kept. I never promised anything. It wasn't against any law. I told because I love and want them to understand. Know that I care. Then, the spit flies back into my face. Disgusting looks and remarks. Does it stay in the circle as asked? The Crew? The Cult? Of course it wont. Hasn't. This is a time based on rumors. Gossip. Smashing others on the way to the top. At least they aren't obsessed about getting me to cut anymore. Blood Brothers. Looking at their hands juts makes me so sad. Deface themselves. Autumns does it. Behind the curtain skirt. Gashes. Jefferson has them, too. Scars. Ugly. Hideous. It can't be erased.
    They planned on getting me drunk last time. Thinking I'd join in on the nasty games they play. Sorry, children. I'm growing up.

    Current Mood: "Grumpy," He says.
    Current Music: The Matches
    Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
    5:52 pm
    Push Down and Turn
    40mg.
    Fresh.
    A new start.
    Mint M&M's and scalloped potatoes don't mix. I'm over at Autumn's house. (I, unfortunately, cannot access blurty from my home, or my hacking father would read my life.) Hmm. SHould I explain myself? I have multiple families. I'm currently living with my father, as aforementioned, along with my step-mother, and half-brother. My mom lives in Washington. Maple Valley. Lovely place. She's there with my step-father, sister, and brother. By law I must visit them. It seems to always be when I have something good planned to do. I'm illegally living with my father, but I can't live in Washington because I need an education. Washington wont allow me that. I have friends. Some don't care. Users. Others, too much. Put 'em down, pick them up. Soap Opera? Fucking Days of Our Lives. That's just how it goes. It's like a movie show.
    Sick.
    Cold potatoes.
    I have a crew. Cult...as I like to say. We are the Seven Deadly Sins. Lust. That's me. My best friend, Jefferson, is Vanity. Best. Too best. I need to deattach myself. Push my boat into the harbor. Ha. And not get caught in the whirlpool.
    Ugh.
    So many secrets. Like him. Or her. And them. Now Autumn knows about this. I can't write all that I'd like. Group. It's a class...during class. Today Jefferson finally didn't go. I had my chance. I shined. Gleamed and steamed. I really want to break a lot of things off. I am just afraid. To talk. To tell. Wait. I'm not supposed to show. Just do. Without others knowing. That was the idea. The conclusion. I had an old blurty. One shared by everyone's eyes. Markofthelight. Stupid. And open. I hope to get the full 100 percent of this.
    Remedy.
    Ditching work. I never do. I just felt like it was needed today. I hate soliciting.
    "Hello! I don't know you, and you don't know me. This will only take a few minutes out of your life, to help me with mine. I need money."
    I want to run away. I was telling Autumn this. To Canada. Or Michigan. Or Germany. Live in a studio apartment. By myself. Do drugs. Have sex. Live a life like a book. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Cut my hair. Listen to music. Start a revolution. Not this tied down, live with the family buisness. Make my own choices. Do my own wrongs. I'd be a prophet. I'd be pretty. Beautiful. With boys I could take pictures of. My camera would catch glimpses of hidden tongue action. Beautiful boys. Making out. Then, sleeping with them. Ha. A storybook. A fairytale ending. Happily ever after.
    Page turns.
    Cover closes.
    The End.

    Current Mood: Dreamy
    Current Music: Coheed and Cambria
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