Marcy's journal

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Monday, January 19th, 2004
12:48a - who has two mothers? ME!
me: superbowl -> pizza and beer (birch and root) for my floor program in february...
brother: nice
me: mom looked at my subprofile :-P
me: I miss being at home :-\
brother: why didn't you come home today?
me: I didn't wake up til 1:30 :-(
me: I went to bed at 12:30
brother: well we didn't eat until 3
me: I just ate
me: does mom have to work tomorrow?
brother: she is going to a farm show
me: oh
me: I wish just me and her could do something
me: jim's boring
me: and jael gets annoying
brother: she thinks you are upset with her because you haven't seen her since christmas
me: ugh
me: I'm getting upset b/c everyone keeps saying that
brother: and she says when you talked to her last she said you hardly said hi
me: it's like a fucking popularity contest with her and dad I just can't win
me: that's such a fucking lie
brother: no
me: I told her all about my classes
brother: what about them?
me: I can't be alone... there's always someone who needs something
me: I told her I how I missed her and how my classes are going great and how I got my paycheck
me: but not all of it
me: and then she asked why
me: and I said I don't know I didn't ask
me: then she said "well you better ask" and I said "I know I will"
me: :-P
me: I can't call anyone b/c I still haven't charged up my phone card and I'm afraid if I keep spending with my credit card I'm not going to be able to pay it off!
me: what I need is a job
me: on top of this
me: I have duty tonight and now we have to call pinecrest and hemlock... to see who's on duty... and afterward I have to leave a message for mary beth on her voicemail so she knows how things went ... which really sucks b/c I have to make all these phone calls and do radio checks with the other two buildings... and I have a student worker with me on sunday's
brother: I'm just relaying the message, according to mom you really haven't said much to her lately... when you call you don't ask how she is or anything it's all about whether you got mail or how you are so busy
pezgirlmarcy: Bert when I go to visit her and jim just sit on the couch and she doesn't really care how school is going, and she asks me if I have a boyfriend
me: or if I saw grandma
me: or if I've talked to grandma
me: and I do to ask her how she is or how jim is
brother: I know Marcy, but you have to do those thengs or you're going to be even worse in the whole
brother: *hole
me: I should just dig a hole and live in it :-P
me: she'd be happier
brother: no, I don't think so
brother: I'm just saying, from the sounds of how everyone is reacting, everyone does want to see you, but you don't like seeing them
me: which pisses me off
me: b/c I do
me: like to see them
brother: well you're not seeing them
me: I can't even get myself in order here without 8 people coming in my room and my family getting mad at me "because all I ever seem to say is hi"
brother: what's going on there?
me: some girl's boyfriend broke up with her... and she came to me at 3 in the morning on a wednesday... but it's not like a can sleep anyway
brother: you might need to set up boundaries with your floor
me: I did
me: set up boundaries
me: I direct them to the councelors
brother: well make them stay out of your room unless it is an emergency
brother: ahhhh
me: besides these people ar emy friends I care about them
me: and I don't have a boyfriend b/c I can't even meet new poeple
brother: psychos
me: mom doesn't want to hear how lonely I am and I dont' want to make anyone pity me... I don't want pity from anyone! :-P
brother: well, it sounds like you need to set up some workable times for them
me: my room is so messy
me: I can't clean it b/c there's so much art stuff I have to do
brother: are you organized?
me: I even bought organizer stuff
me: no
me: I can't I don't have time
me: I need to vaccum
brother: well that should be your first step
me: my room smells like oranges though
brother: turn off the IM, clean the room, organize your life
brother: :-P
me: I can't vaccum when I have so much laundry I can't even fit it in the new laundry basket I bought
me: yesterday I ate a whole bag of hershey's hugs
brother: marcy... you sound like you're falling apart
me: I am the only thing that's keeping me sane is that I have my music collection and my head is just above water
me: and I'm enjoying my little of a social life I still have left
brother: do you want help or advice or no?
me: well I can't call people, my family is mad at me, I have no money, and I have no life... what advice is really going to make it all go away?
me: and I have to go to work in 20 minutes b/c I have to square things out for duty... for what I'm going to do the entire time
me: I have an online journal so I write in that a lot
me: me and my fight with god... "we have no great depression. we have no great war. our depression is our lives and our war is a spirtual war"
me: :-P to quote fight club
brother: well the only advice I can give you is that I've been through the same stuff
me: I'm positive
me: I know it wont always be like this
me: I'm dealing
me: I'm just busy
me: no one seems to realize that
me: and I do want to go home
me: I'd love to just lay in my bed at home or on the couch and watch tv with Maddie
me: I haven't watched tv since last sunday
brother: well you can't
me: I know :-P
brother: but if you get ahead, you can
me: I have a photography project, ceramic pinch pots at least 7 more, computer art, intro to music book that cost $110 even though I bought the wrong book ... b/c people are assholes and I didn't know that teacher does teach anymore, and I have to my online reading and discussion board... and that's just my academic work :-P
brother: work on it during duty
brother: I'm on tonight too btw
me: on top of that I have to do 2 cupids (which I'll do tonight) big enough for our bulletin board in the tv lounge which still doesn't have a tv...
me: our study lounge has one desk and a couch and it's bigger than our living room at mom's
me: I've already bitched... twice
me: I'm going to keep bitching til I get something
me: I came home and got my carpet last weekend ya know...
me: so I did see mom
me: and talk to her
me: grr it just angers me that she tells people I dont' care and I don't ever see her
me: same with dad
me: he acts like I'ven't seen him in 3 years
me: and I refuse to call him daddy
me: that's so childish
me: I need an apartment
me: so they can come see me :-P but look how much they care they dont' come visit you every week do they?
me: it has to work both ways
me: Jim's never even been to this college
me: wait... yes
me: once
brother: who got you the car?
me: to look at my car in the parking lot
me: grandma told me she would come see my room back when I was a freshman
brother: then call her and make her get down to see you
me: I can't!
me: I need a cell phone and if I had a job I'd buy one
me: then I could call mom and dad and grandma's once a week
me: so they'd be happier people b/c obviously it's my job to make everyone happy
brother: ok, I think you're missing the point here
me: I'm not
me: I know they just want to see how I am
me: I just get angry that she thinks that I don't care
me: and don't ever do this or that
brother: don't buy a cell phone, ask someone for a calling card
me: b/c I do damn it
brother: pay off your stuff
brother: stop buying big things
me: I only bought a ps2 and my books for school
brother: only a PS2
me: and some sheets b/c no one gave me any
me: dad gave me a comforter though
me: it was 200 dollars
brother: come on Marcy, what do you need a ps2 for?
me: something to watch dvd's with ok
me: I don't have to justify myself to you
brother: you're right
brother: just don't complain that you have no money
me: I'm not I'm saying I don't have it til I get my check
me: and I have to give mom money for insurance
me: that's all she ever talks about on the phone
me: and I appreciate it
me: and I don't think she thinks I do
me: and I don't like talking through you to her
me: why can't she just say it to my face
me: besides talking behind my bac
me: k
me: we have to go on duty
me: I'll talk with everyone later
brother: ok

looking back on that I felt really like I was being attacked.... and you know what he should hear what she says about him! blahhh I'm so bitter right now.. I was so defensive... and I gave him a bunch of irrational answers back I don't know how but I turned into my father... I don't have any money but I bought "only a ps2" ahhhhh what is wrong with me!? I DON'T KNOW! I wish I could fall off the face of the earth to find meaning in it all. I feel as though school isn't working out at all. like I'm getting along fine but it's not where I'm supposed to be. I can't take a semester off... if I get stuck on that farm I'll die. why does he feel so superior? b/c listen to me I will rip him a new one if he calls me and lays this shit on me. b/c he did the same thing? b/c "his head is so far up his ass" that's what mom said... how does he like it? huh? I don't tell him what she says b/c I know it would anger him... so don't preach to me you hypocrite... how pathetic am I? I'm telling my brother off in my journal to spare his feelings :-p peace out people

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1:44a - am I faithless? but not hopeless?
I push people away. I know this. I'm sorry. I don't like bring people down. why should they have to deal with my problems on top of their own? gahhhhh my mom cried on the phone tonight. b/c of me. :( I'm a bitch. I know. just imagine what my step dad is saying about me... far worse than "bitch" telling my mom I'm doing drugs and have sex... ( I WISH haha j/k ) like he always does. (do you really think I don't want to drink away my problems like that? nah that'd be the easy way out... :\) people who worry about other people doing bad things do bad things themselves. guilty much? I need a walk very badly and a friend to cry on. but I don't want that. I'm too stubborn... so don't come to my room telling me that you're here for me b/c I know you are if I wanted help I'd ask. do you see my problem? I'm an asshole and I apologize. my brother makes me so angry.... why does he have to intervene and make it ten times what it originally was... I can't let it go. I can't let go. I'm trying my hardest. how many more buttons do people have to push before I flip off the switch? I can't make my head stop. I can't get a peace of mind b/c I can't stop thinking and doing all sorts of probability which usually turns out like I think it will. kara you just sent me your signature quote on aol... and it really applies. fate? coincidence? I don't know but it made me feel better: "Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath." - Jacob Braude *sigh* see life is simple. I just don't want to die. ever. why can't some people be immortal? I feel immortal... and that's a bold cocky statement. what it all boils down to is that I have to wake up brush my teeth go to class and do good and someday... maybe someday my life will be ordinary like everyone elses... and I'll quit dreaming of a life extrodinary like we're told we'll have someday. :\ but what I really wish is that I'll never stop dreaming of that better life... b/c after you've lost everything you still have hope... right? and is that like faith? am I faithless? but not hopeless?

current mood: aggravated
current music: dashboard confessional - rapid hope loss

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really just wanted that as a background but since my html sucks... it'll just have to be a cute little picture :-p

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2:14p - :\
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

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