Marcy's journal

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Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
8:12 pm - 2 years
wow, I haven't been logged on in 2 years... and I still remembered my password, go me. So just for all you stalkers out there: I'm currently living in NY, with my dad. I'm working 2 jobs... 2 if you don't count working on the farm for my mom every few weeks or the odd jobs I do for cash. I'm thinking about becoming an LPN and/or Cosmetologist... I just want to do everything! Mostly, I want to make money so I can buy a house and plant a garden. This summer my plans are to work really hard and buy a cell phone and get an apartment by December. Anybody need a roommate? Also I want to go to warped tour, but slowly that dream is fading due to all the hours I work. Hope everyone is doing well xoxoxo

current mood: bouncy
current music: massive attack - dissolved girl

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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
9:51 pm
my computer died :(

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Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
11:37 pm - ;)
holy hell! long time no type... b/c I use livejournal... but still
I don't want all these memories to go!

current mood: dorky
current music: placebo - I'll be yours

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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
9:01 pm
whoa updater heartbreaker.... *makes up words to a pat benatar song*

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Monday, March 15th, 2004
12:51 am
watch yourself now!

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Friday, February 27th, 2004
12:29 pm - spring break
6 more days!

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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
12:21 am - all for commenting... true story
I <3 comments... just thought I'd make it a journal entry... btw I write in livejournal now too but I'll update this one with stupid comments :O :P :)

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Friday, January 30th, 2004
11:48 pm - bad girls have more fun
so I'm really angry at some girls on my floor who are upper classmen :-p all holier than thou attitude... shove it bitches... grrrrrrrrrr *roar* ok I feel better... not really fuck off I'm mad! why do you have to spoil everything I'm not even going to fake being nice to you *grrr again* why do people have to ruin a good thing? is my sticker thing really that lame? I mean I know it's stupid... but I didn't have time for anything else :( I have to do one every month... and I want to do fun things. I hate people sometimes... I'm sorry but the more rude people I meet the more I like my dog... livejoural's better biatch.... peace out ... even if I can't keep the peace....

oh yeah... I was bad the other night but I had fun so blah! I should go home more often!

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Monday, January 26th, 2004
3:37 am - more quiz... more quiz...
1. Who did you last get angry with? my brother
2. What is your weapon of choice? going to the source.... aka my mother
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? no I'm not so much violent
4. How about of the same sex? if she slapped or punched me first and I was angry... a little out of control anger... b/c like I stated before I'm not really that violent... it doesn't make me feel good... and I'm too afraid of hurting someone
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? My mom
6. What is your pet peeve? LIARS! And when people talk behind my back when they have no clue if it is true or not
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I hold lots of grudges... I'd say that is my worst quality.

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? exercise
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 4pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? everyone... that's the truth
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "I don’t know"
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? yeah those weight loss ones... I almost buy them... almost.. :P
6. When was the last time you got a good workout? over christmas break I would exercise some
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? it was a weekend I had no snooze button... only christine at my door 6 hours into my sleep and then katherine's instant messaging driving me nuts...
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? coca cola
2. Meat eaters: white meat or red meat? both
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 6 mike's hard lemonade or 5 shots of vodka
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? atkin's?
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? yes
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? all three...
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought "Food!"? no you freak

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? hmm... I don't know like 2 maybe?
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? hmm... like 8 maybe?
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? hahahahaha you know... that's really funny b/c I was just telling kara something about someone... and how I was wondering if that was normal to notice something like that on someone... but anyway... no, I didn't stare I noticed and was like ew that's sick...
4. Have you "done it"? no I have not "done it"
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? hair
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? hmm... no but a lot of male whores... that technically are just really horny and would get ass anywhere...
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? no

1. How many credit cards do you own? too many
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? it has everything but at the mall probably b&n.. or claire's
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? pay off loans... buy lots of books and fun stuff
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? no... I'm arrogant like that
6. Have you ever stolen anything? yes... :\
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? none

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Well I am in college
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? I don’t know but they should be proud of me no matter what I do
3. What would you like to accomplish in your life? paint in italy or france, create some kind of mass market gidget or gadget, be a skilled guitarist, Finish college, get a job, get married, have children, stay married to the same man...
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? yes
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? yes
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? yes
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? I told a friend some nice things about him

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? another thing I'm really not proud of... is my envy of everyone and everything but I still am happy with what I have
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces"? no I don't want to be on tv
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? so many different places to choose from... somewhere exotic... or somewhere exclusive... with someone who truly loved me... that would be fun
4. Have you ever been cheated on? yeah
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? all the time
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Being thinner
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? um nah...

*. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? lust... *nods* it's the easiest and most mind altering


1. What religion do you follow? marcism... b/c my religion(s) are from a mixture of things
2. What religion were you raised as? baptist/catholic
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? uhh... good question... how can I let a "god" forgive me if I can't forgive myself?
4. Do you believe in magic? with a k? :p sometimes I believe that things happen for unexplained reasons... and whether christians want to believe it's god's miracle or ... it's magic(k) that's people's own beleifs... but most of the time I really have no seperation between reality and fantasy
5. What was the last promise you broke? I don't remember... but I'm sure I have... even if it was unintentional
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? yes when I didn't understand it
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? no... not even jesus... like the person that sent me this... I don't believe jesus was perfect... how could a mortal man be perfect? he wasn't a god... he was a man... and the story goes that he died on the cross to wash away the sins of man... man and his orginal sin... now if mary birhted jesus... then jesus had orginal sin did he not? ok dont' get me started :-p

1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? everything I got I wanted ...
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? a healthy long life with my future love
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? Yes, always
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? yeah!
6. Do you gamble? yes
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? yes

1. What causes do you support? I don't know... do the organizations I'm in count?
2. What causes have you given money or time to? st. jude
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? Yes I have
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel? no
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? I have but then I saw him reach down and put it with his wad of twenties in his sock... bastard I should have mugged him
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? No, but I am always here for all of my friends for anything
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? well I try to help everyone... I've had friends stay with me b/c there parents were physically abusive. I've stood up for my friends when everyone else wanted to shut them out of there lives... etc... etc... I love my friends and it's really hard to say what I wouldn't do for them

1. What are you most afraid of? Never finding my true love, being alone, dying
2. What did you do today that was really brave? ha... well more of stupid... christine woke me up to unlock her door and I was so tired i didn't get dressed I just threw my robe on... well more like tied it b/c I fell asleep in my robe
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? superman... unlike some superhero's *coughs batman* superman works for a living b/c he wasn't given an estate and lots of money
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? depends on the situation...
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More brains
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? could I studder anymore than I do now when i'm in front of a large group... I'm a huge wuss when it comes to stage fright... I have it bad
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? depends on the situation

1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? nope
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? I would try to get out of it.
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? I have mixed feelings on this one, if you want to know I will give you tell you
4. Which should be guaranteed legal? Applicable to the above
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? no... electorial votes should be more important... and it's sad that I read that and knew it meant George W.
6. What was your favorite media circus trial? micheal jackson
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? no can't say I have

1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? binge eating, joking too much, being annoying I'd say but everyone's like "you're not annoying" but I think they're just being nice
2. Do you collect anything? pez, 17th century coins, seashells, cds, books, stuff...
3. Are you addicted to anything? movies, pleasurable things... like cigarettes, kissing... etc.
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? my stereo
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? credit
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do? Ruin some friendships
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? Yes, I have to learn to let go

1. Who is the wisest person you know? my mom
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? yes
3. Do you take advice when it's given? not always I'm stubborn like that
4. What area are you wisest in? I am a great listener and can help people through hard times and give them as much support and love that I can give
5. Do you drive defensively? all the time
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? no I have not... but that's not to say that I wouldn't
7. What did you learn today? too many things to say!

current mood: bored
current music: oasis - champagne supernova

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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
3:04 pm

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
1:17 am - alphabet association... and go!
words/names/phrases that come to mind when you see these letter/prefix

A pples
B lack velvet artist
C an't isn't in my dictionary
D ead to the world
E lephants
F ighting
G roggy
H elp
I me my...
J oe's apartment (jerry o'connel double points...)
K ick in the head
L ick lick lick you from your head to your toes
M onster
N efertiti
O siris
P ositively
Q uinn, Aidan
R ock my world baby
S exy
T oo good to be true
U nder the boardwalk
V elvet underground
W anker
X ander (who's a big buffy freak?)
Y o mama
Z wan
Anti- social
Bi- sexual
Con- air
Di- hydrogen monoxide *gasps* :D
Euth- anasia :\
Homo- erotic... or not
Min-i bar
Re-laxation techniques
Sim-ple life
Wo-lf, hungry like a
Xe-non... euphoria? (no clue why I thought euphoria)
Y o-yo

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Monday, January 19th, 2004
2:14 pm - :\
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

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3:24 am

really just wanted that as a background but since my html sucks... it'll just have to be a cute little picture :-p

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1:44 am - am I faithless? but not hopeless?
I push people away. I know this. I'm sorry. I don't like bring people down. why should they have to deal with my problems on top of their own? gahhhhh my mom cried on the phone tonight. b/c of me. :( I'm a bitch. I know. just imagine what my step dad is saying about me... far worse than "bitch" telling my mom I'm doing drugs and have sex... ( I WISH haha j/k ) like he always does. (do you really think I don't want to drink away my problems like that? nah that'd be the easy way out... :\) people who worry about other people doing bad things do bad things themselves. guilty much? I need a walk very badly and a friend to cry on. but I don't want that. I'm too stubborn... so don't come to my room telling me that you're here for me b/c I know you are if I wanted help I'd ask. do you see my problem? I'm an asshole and I apologize. my brother makes me so angry.... why does he have to intervene and make it ten times what it originally was... I can't let it go. I can't let go. I'm trying my hardest. how many more buttons do people have to push before I flip off the switch? I can't make my head stop. I can't get a peace of mind b/c I can't stop thinking and doing all sorts of probability which usually turns out like I think it will. kara you just sent me your signature quote on aol... and it really applies. fate? coincidence? I don't know but it made me feel better: "Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath." - Jacob Braude *sigh* see life is simple. I just don't want to die. ever. why can't some people be immortal? I feel immortal... and that's a bold cocky statement. what it all boils down to is that I have to wake up brush my teeth go to class and do good and someday... maybe someday my life will be ordinary like everyone elses... and I'll quit dreaming of a life extrodinary like we're told we'll have someday. :\ but what I really wish is that I'll never stop dreaming of that better life... b/c after you've lost everything you still have hope... right? and is that like faith? am I faithless? but not hopeless?

current mood: aggravated
current music: dashboard confessional - rapid hope loss

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12:48 am - who has two mothers? ME!
me: superbowl -> pizza and beer (birch and root) for my floor program in february...
brother: nice
me: mom looked at my subprofile :-P
me: I miss being at home :-\
brother: why didn't you come home today?
me: I didn't wake up til 1:30 :-(
me: I went to bed at 12:30
brother: well we didn't eat until 3
me: I just ate
me: does mom have to work tomorrow?
brother: she is going to a farm show
me: oh
me: I wish just me and her could do something
me: jim's boring
me: and jael gets annoying
brother: she thinks you are upset with her because you haven't seen her since christmas
me: ugh
me: I'm getting upset b/c everyone keeps saying that
brother: and she says when you talked to her last she said you hardly said hi
me: it's like a fucking popularity contest with her and dad I just can't win
me: that's such a fucking lie
brother: no
me: I told her all about my classes
brother: what about them?
me: I can't be alone... there's always someone who needs something
me: I told her I how I missed her and how my classes are going great and how I got my paycheck
me: but not all of it
me: and then she asked why
me: and I said I don't know I didn't ask
me: then she said "well you better ask" and I said "I know I will"
me: :-P
me: I can't call anyone b/c I still haven't charged up my phone card and I'm afraid if I keep spending with my credit card I'm not going to be able to pay it off!
me: what I need is a job
me: on top of this
me: I have duty tonight and now we have to call pinecrest and hemlock... to see who's on duty... and afterward I have to leave a message for mary beth on her voicemail so she knows how things went ... which really sucks b/c I have to make all these phone calls and do radio checks with the other two buildings... and I have a student worker with me on sunday's
brother: I'm just relaying the message, according to mom you really haven't said much to her lately... when you call you don't ask how she is or anything it's all about whether you got mail or how you are so busy
pezgirlmarcy: Bert when I go to visit her and jim just sit on the couch and she doesn't really care how school is going, and she asks me if I have a boyfriend
me: or if I saw grandma
me: or if I've talked to grandma
me: and I do to ask her how she is or how jim is
brother: I know Marcy, but you have to do those thengs or you're going to be even worse in the whole
brother: *hole
me: I should just dig a hole and live in it :-P
me: she'd be happier
brother: no, I don't think so
brother: I'm just saying, from the sounds of how everyone is reacting, everyone does want to see you, but you don't like seeing them
me: which pisses me off
me: b/c I do
me: like to see them
brother: well you're not seeing them
me: I can't even get myself in order here without 8 people coming in my room and my family getting mad at me "because all I ever seem to say is hi"
brother: what's going on there?
me: some girl's boyfriend broke up with her... and she came to me at 3 in the morning on a wednesday... but it's not like a can sleep anyway
brother: you might need to set up boundaries with your floor
me: I did
me: set up boundaries
me: I direct them to the councelors
brother: well make them stay out of your room unless it is an emergency
brother: ahhhh
me: besides these people ar emy friends I care about them
me: and I don't have a boyfriend b/c I can't even meet new poeple
brother: psychos
me: mom doesn't want to hear how lonely I am and I dont' want to make anyone pity me... I don't want pity from anyone! :-P
brother: well, it sounds like you need to set up some workable times for them
me: my room is so messy
me: I can't clean it b/c there's so much art stuff I have to do
brother: are you organized?
me: I even bought organizer stuff
me: no
me: I can't I don't have time
me: I need to vaccum
brother: well that should be your first step
me: my room smells like oranges though
brother: turn off the IM, clean the room, organize your life
brother: :-P
me: I can't vaccum when I have so much laundry I can't even fit it in the new laundry basket I bought
me: yesterday I ate a whole bag of hershey's hugs
brother: marcy... you sound like you're falling apart
me: I am the only thing that's keeping me sane is that I have my music collection and my head is just above water
me: and I'm enjoying my little of a social life I still have left
brother: do you want help or advice or no?
me: well I can't call people, my family is mad at me, I have no money, and I have no life... what advice is really going to make it all go away?
me: and I have to go to work in 20 minutes b/c I have to square things out for duty... for what I'm going to do the entire time
me: I have an online journal so I write in that a lot
me: me and my fight with god... "we have no great depression. we have no great war. our depression is our lives and our war is a spirtual war"
me: :-P to quote fight club
brother: well the only advice I can give you is that I've been through the same stuff
me: I'm positive
me: I know it wont always be like this
me: I'm dealing
me: I'm just busy
me: no one seems to realize that
me: and I do want to go home
me: I'd love to just lay in my bed at home or on the couch and watch tv with Maddie
me: I haven't watched tv since last sunday
brother: well you can't
me: I know :-P
brother: but if you get ahead, you can
me: I have a photography project, ceramic pinch pots at least 7 more, computer art, intro to music book that cost $110 even though I bought the wrong book ... b/c people are assholes and I didn't know that teacher does teach anymore, and I have to my online reading and discussion board... and that's just my academic work :-P
brother: work on it during duty
brother: I'm on tonight too btw
me: on top of that I have to do 2 cupids (which I'll do tonight) big enough for our bulletin board in the tv lounge which still doesn't have a tv...
me: our study lounge has one desk and a couch and it's bigger than our living room at mom's
me: I've already bitched... twice
me: I'm going to keep bitching til I get something
me: I came home and got my carpet last weekend ya know...
me: so I did see mom
me: and talk to her
me: grr it just angers me that she tells people I dont' care and I don't ever see her
me: same with dad
me: he acts like I'ven't seen him in 3 years
me: and I refuse to call him daddy
me: that's so childish
me: I need an apartment
me: so they can come see me :-P but look how much they care they dont' come visit you every week do they?
me: it has to work both ways
me: Jim's never even been to this college
me: wait... yes
me: once
brother: who got you the car?
me: to look at my car in the parking lot
me: grandma told me she would come see my room back when I was a freshman
brother: then call her and make her get down to see you
me: I can't!
me: I need a cell phone and if I had a job I'd buy one
me: then I could call mom and dad and grandma's once a week
me: so they'd be happier people b/c obviously it's my job to make everyone happy
brother: ok, I think you're missing the point here
me: I'm not
me: I know they just want to see how I am
me: I just get angry that she thinks that I don't care
me: and don't ever do this or that
brother: don't buy a cell phone, ask someone for a calling card
me: b/c I do damn it
brother: pay off your stuff
brother: stop buying big things
me: I only bought a ps2 and my books for school
brother: only a PS2
me: and some sheets b/c no one gave me any
me: dad gave me a comforter though
me: it was 200 dollars
brother: come on Marcy, what do you need a ps2 for?
me: something to watch dvd's with ok
me: I don't have to justify myself to you
brother: you're right
brother: just don't complain that you have no money
me: I'm not I'm saying I don't have it til I get my check
me: and I have to give mom money for insurance
me: that's all she ever talks about on the phone
me: and I appreciate it
me: and I don't think she thinks I do
me: and I don't like talking through you to her
me: why can't she just say it to my face
me: besides talking behind my bac
me: k
me: we have to go on duty
me: I'll talk with everyone later
brother: ok

looking back on that I felt really like I was being attacked.... and you know what he should hear what she says about him! blahhh I'm so bitter right now.. I was so defensive... and I gave him a bunch of irrational answers back I don't know how but I turned into my father... I don't have any money but I bought "only a ps2" ahhhhh what is wrong with me!? I DON'T KNOW! I wish I could fall off the face of the earth to find meaning in it all. I feel as though school isn't working out at all. like I'm getting along fine but it's not where I'm supposed to be. I can't take a semester off... if I get stuck on that farm I'll die. why does he feel so superior? b/c listen to me I will rip him a new one if he calls me and lays this shit on me. b/c he did the same thing? b/c "his head is so far up his ass" that's what mom said... how does he like it? huh? I don't tell him what she says b/c I know it would anger him... so don't preach to me you hypocrite... how pathetic am I? I'm telling my brother off in my journal to spare his feelings :-p peace out people

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Friday, January 16th, 2004
1:59 am - who's house? marcy's house...
nah marcy doesn't have a house... I don't... not my own but damn it I can't wait... I have too much stuff now! just think what I could do with an apartment!! woot! crazy... sexy... cool... no I'm not listening to tlc... just thinking about what I wrote earlier.... yesterday... I get really confused of what hours are what... I need a man... men where watches ... like my rationalization? sure you did. *mouths I'm driving away... leaving it all behind* I so need an adventure. I keep going through all these guys... I need a guy to go through me. enough whining... on to some interesting things: I love people who tell me there dirty little secrets.. even if I'd never tell them! :) makes me feel like people really do appreciate my opinions and ideas on the matter. sometimes I wish I wrote a sex column like carrie from sex and the city... I could see myself doing that in the near future... tonight I feel very adult... like I could deal with any situation. which I guess is a good thing. I want the bad I want the good. I just want. I, I, I... I hate write I. this is my journal but I dislike write my likes and dislikes... today in ceramics we made pinch pots... our idea... my idea... yeah I'll take full credit damn it b/c I made it up! :) peas in a pod. how appropriate for my non-sexed life. so cutesy :P fun times fun times... jamie went evangelist on brandi today in class b/c she was wearing a cross and asks "do you believe in that?" which I totally butted in there conversation... that was on either side of me anyway... she couldn't find the words and he doesn't intimidate me in the least... but I don't want to berate the nicest person I know... jamie's too nice... it makes me suspicious... highly suspicous.... behind those kind gentle thank you's and please's is an animal... I know it... is it rude of me to think that he could be a bad person? I don't trust him. not that he isn't nice... ha... he's polite to the max... I want to meet his parents. I wonder if he's a virgin. :\... I don't know why I just do... not like I want him or anything I just wonder. I find him oddly intriguing... only b/c he's too polite... there's got to be a side you don't see... must be that's why he doesn't have that many friends... not real friends... at least... I'm being so mean I'm not even giving him a chance... who am I to say I know him? I don't. I just go by what I see... and what I suspect. he could be the best person in the world and look at me judge him. so who else is there... you know what... I want someone who I can tell these things... I feel like I'm dating my freakin' journal... which is really pathetic... and if I close this box out I'll probably go buy something on that I can't afford. :( I'm not broke... yet... I know soon I will be. so I'm getting stuff I want now... while I think I have money. my refund check was disappointing... why can't the give it to me all at once? bastards. sorry I really am trying to stop the swearing. it's just so hard... bastards is my favorite swear word also... (bert) I miss him so much sometimes. it's so weird being away from my family... but then again... it's so nice. I want to have a family. I just have this longing... :\ I can see myself with healthy beautiful children. and I think it scares my mom when I talk like this. she was pregnant at 24... I have 4 years! I can't even get a date! ahhhh.... I don't understand how I person so willing to change her outter appearance for anyone... can't even get a date can't even be happy. I am happy. I am happy. no, I am happy! three times... now you know I mean it. really I hope this helps whoever reads it to not feel like their pathetic and probably think I'm a big loser. I only speak the truth... well most of the times unless it's un-intentional. I love how my mouth talks while my brain's like what did she just say? sometimes I feel like such a loser... really though if I can't even talk about anything but myself then I really am a loser... just think of me and say... no matter what, win or lose, at the end of the day, I'm still not you. So its still a good day. someone give me something to talk about! I'm very intelligent. :\ I can't even convince myself that. ask me to cook you something, build you something, garden, paint, draw, name a tune... these talents are getting me anywhere... I have so much potential. I'm a hopeless case! ok I'm going to go read some stuff... sometimes I don't even believe the crap I buy... why do I buy useless shit I don't need *zap*

current mood: lonely
current music: still mae - summertime

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
5:25 pm - I'm driving away...
so this one guy that I had jewelry with is hot... today I saw him and he looked really good. sometimes I think I create these crushes and then when I don't see people anymore it's like it's ok to have a crush on them. b/c it's safer that way.. for me at least... but that doesn't get me anywhere... I can't be like Samantha and be sexy and cool and confident. well... I can to extent but then I become this mumbling heap of dyslexic sentences... plus I'm not sleeping well at all... last night I must have only got an hour of sleep. and it shows! no amount of make up will hide my deep circles under the eyes. but it is exciting to see someone you've seen for the last five months and not really thought anything of them... well not a lot at least and see them and go damn they look really good. I wonder if people think that way about me. Mae is my new favorite band this month... week... day... I listen to a little of Rilo Kiley that Jen suggested the other day. good stuff.. reminds me of cat power I don't know why. I think I am lacking social when it comes to relationships. how far will fear push me from what I really want? who wants to live in fear the rest of their lives? in fourty five minutes I have to head out of here. :\ I don't want to go ... computer art is a joke. the teacher is a joke. he knows less about computers than me ... which doesn't make him seem respectable... I'm really trying especially when he asks us how to do things... I thought it was going to be fun but it looks like something I'll just get a great grade in b/c it's easy to breeze through... not to sound mean but I want to learn something damn it... not just do powerpoint things for him to look at... I learned powerpoint a long time ago... I want to learn harder things... surfing the internet is not hard for me... I am a google master... mistress?? ;) but seriously... I do eight thousand things online at once... which is leading me to get carpal tunnel faster but hey... I'm happy. I feel like going for a joy ride but this weather sucks ass!!! I just want to look around for good pictures... that I can take with my hand made pinhole camera fun times! ok... well I'm going to get ready for my next class... leave the comments my journal get's lonely... :D

Mae - Summertime lyrics:

Summertime, summertime
brought me back to thinking you were mine all those times.
We laid it down and left it all behind, we were blind.

Oh, the summertime.
We could ride, we could ride.
Take my hand and watch the world go by.
Laugh or cry, well we need to try, get off the line, time to fly.
Oh, the summertime.

Go on ahead and let it fade away.
No looking back you know the past will stay.
It's you and me, we could get out of here.
Jump in and go and we could drive for years.
We could feel alive...

Here we are, here we are,
windows down we see a falling star.
Stop the car.
Waiting for nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

Oh, the summertime.
So feel the air, feel the air,
take the map and point to anywhere.
I don't care. Fingers through your hair,
the sky I've seen is blue and green.
Oh, the summertime.

Driving away, leaving it all behind.
Driving away, just driving away.

current mood: flirty
current music: mae - summertime

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12:54 am - this song is hot... limp bizkit... it's at the end of the behind blue eyes full version
In them clothes
All the grey
I'll stay if you go away
Concrete, tall as the sky
Movement passing me by
And you blush, what a rush
Reminisce, cold crush
Next door, ear to the wind
All the tension made for the core

I wish, I wish,
I wish it was all that easy

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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
1:20 am - sleep would be nice...'s hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...

I always thought of myself as a house. I was always what I lived in. It didn't need to be big. It didn't even need to be beautiful. I just needed to be mine. I became what I was meant to be. I built myself a life... And someday I'll build myself a house.

I'm not scared
Try wearing my insides out
I don't even try, I know I have seen the best I'll have
Now they want to take my chances
I don't even try
Clouds are comin
Air get's heavy
Sun starts sinking
Can't see my shadow
Holes uncovered
Walls will crumble

I lie awake and thing of religion... I feel like I'm the only person that is bothered by this. I struggle with it everyday. I think about all the religions I know about. which ones make sense... which ones lie, which ones seem right... is there anything right? and if so who decides what is right? I know I'm only 19 but it's like it's an obession with knowledge of ignorance... I could be ignorant and choose to believe in god... a. jesus father b. the trinity c. "fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "do it or I'll fuckin' spank you"..." it's hard to be an athiest when you have faith in something that you're not sure exists. you 'wish' 'hope' that it's true but even in your most euphoric feelings of godliness and holiness you question it. or at least I do and have. why can't I just turn it off... who thinks like this?! I feel like if I believe in something I'm ignorant. ignorant b/c I choose not to know other religions... ignorant b/c I don't know the in's and out's of other religions... I just know a lot about christianity, buddism, and paganism... taoism I know some ideas of... I really do like another quote in dogma and it goes like this:

"I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one thing the Man hated - still life. He wanted everyone to be as enthralled with living as He was. Maybe it had something to do with knowing when He was going to die. "

I agree with that above all... and I wish I could sleep... I have a class at 11... :\ intro to music... yippee! get some sleep youngin's

current mood: discontent
current music: american beauty theme ?

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Monday, January 12th, 2004
1:38 am - copying katherine
+ 001. name : Marcy Ann Bones
+ 002. nicknames : bones, boner, marce, marcy, bert's sister :P
+ 003. sex : female
+ 004. birthday : february 6, 1984
+ 005. age : nineteen
+ 006. star sign : aquarius
+ 007. place of birth : elmira, ny
+ 008. current residence : Mansfield, pa
+ 009. hair color : dark brown
+ 010. eye color : blue
+ 011. height : 5'8''
+ 012. writing hand : right

+ 013. do you bite your nails : Only when I'm stressed or nervous..
+ 014. can you roll your tongue : yup
+ 015. can you do a cartwheel : no but it's still fun to watch none the less
+ 016. can you raise one eyebrow at a time: I try so hard... I just can't get them to work it..
+ 017. can you blow smoke rings : yes
+ 018. can you blow spit bubbles : not a big one
+ 019. can you cross your eyes : yep
+ 020. colored hair : not anymore! woot! free at last!
+ 021. tattoos and where : none
+ 022. piercings and where : Ears
+ 023. do you make your bed daily : yep

+ 024. do you sleep naked : sometimes
+ 025. which shoe goes on first : left
+ 026. fave type of shoes : adidas soccer shoes that 2 sets of parents have tried to throw out
+ 027. where do u keep your clothes : half in closet, half in drawer half all over the floor... yes I have 1-1/2 of clothing... the other 1/2 is at my mom's house
+ 028. speaking of shoes, have you thrown one at someone?: umm no
+ 029. what jewelry do you wear 24/7 : a ring my dad gave me and a watch my brother and dad bought me... and usually earrings of assorments
+ 030. how much money is usually in your wallet: 5-10
+ 031. you got a job: yup.
+ 032. Democrat/Republican: democrat... read below! haha
+ 033. what is your opinion on our situations with all Middle East countries : I think... that Bush is picking up where he daddy left off and that's mean I know but that's how I feel... so tell me otherwise I'll listen
+ 034. what can the U.S. do to commemerate 9/11: cry when I watch the commemerations on tv
035. whats your opinion on Bill Clinton and his marriage scandal : my opinion of clinton goes as is... he was a great president who the hell cares what he did in his personal life? do you masterbate? that's right it's no one's freaking business... so why should his sexual experiences matter... next you're going to want to know when bush bones his wife... and that's no one's business!

+ 036. Are u taken by someone : no :(
+ 037. Who : no one
+ 038. Why do u like them : obviously not
+ 039. When is the date you two began going out: :P
+ 040. whats sexiest on a guy: eyes/dimples/chest hair! haha
+ 041. are you willing to try the other side: I just don't find female's sexually attractive... so no

+ 042. do you twirl your spagetti or cut it: twirl baby twirl!
+ 043. how many cereals are in your cabinet: none
+ 044. what utensils do you use eating pizza: I eat the cheese off with a fork then roll it up and eat it with my hands

+ 046. how often do you brush your teeth : depends I've counted up to five times before
+ 047. how often do you shower/bathe : everyday, usually in the morning, unless I can't sleep or I'm really cold and take a hot shower at night
+ 048. how long do these showers last? : like 30-50 I <3 water
+ 049. hair drying method : sometimes air, sometimes blow dried

+ 051. do you curse : I try not to a lot
+ 052. do you mumble to yourself : mconstantlymm... and yeah... hmm
+ 053. do you spit in public : no
+ 054. do you pee in the shower : ew no
+ 055. in the cd player: the format, and various mixes
+ 056. person you talk most on the phone with: the 'rents

+ 057. what color is your bedroom: white, purple, red, and blue... but b/c of the things in it
+ 058. do you use an alarm clock: yes
+ 059. name one thing or person you're obsessed with?: harrison ford, pez dispencers, ... the list could go on...
+ 060. have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex: no
+ 061. ever sunbathed in the nude: hmm... topless not nude
+ 062. window seat or aisle: never been on a plane
+ 063. whats your sleeping position: arms back but not under my head and sprawled out in a relaxed flalling position haha
+ 064. what kind of bed do you like: like bread dough... I like to sink into my bed of pillows and comfort
+ 065. in hot weather do you use a blanket: no

+ 066. do you snore: when I have a cold yes
+ 067. do you sleepwalk: used to
+ 068. do you talk in your sleep: yes
+ 070. how about the light on: no I hate light when I'm trying to sleep... that's why my room is such dark colors
+ 071. do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on: in the summer... and sometimes... well most of the time I fall asleep with a movie on
+ 072. had sex in the last 2 weeks: no
+ 073. kissed someone: yes
+ 074. watched bambi: Ever? yes...
+ 075. cried in 2 weeks?: does stubbing your toe count? or watching a sad movie?
+ 076. talked on the phone: not my favorite but of coarse
+ 077. read a book: many
+ 078. punched someone: yep... out of self defense

+ 079. where do you see yourself ten years from now : working at a school or in a art museum
+ 080. who are you gonna be married to and where: some guy who proposes... and we'll probably be in love... maybe depends and we'll be married in either my home town or his
+ 081. How many babies do you want to have: a minimum of two
+ 082. your profession : artist

+ 084. sport : to play softball/basketball/volleyball to watch: hockey
+ 085. color : purple
+ 086. instrument: my voice, some guitar, some piano
+ 087. food: mashed potateos with butter and cream cheese and salt *licks lips* I like campbell's chicken and stars a lot! I don't know why... this baffle's me
+ 088. type of music: almost anything
+ 089. holiday: valentine's day... psyche! Halloween is my favorite
+ 090. gum: minty gums or fruity

+ 091 do you believe in God? sometimes I'm not sure
+ 092 what are you doing right now? taking this survey
+ 093 Was this fun? eh I was bored

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