Morning Star's Blurty

Time:	10:47 pm.
Mood:	worried.

I think I made the biggest mistake...

Ok, at the beach on Saturday, I kind of felt a little uncomfortable around Corey. I tried to cover it up though, because I didn't know why I was feeling that way and because I still love him so much. I had pretty much figured that I was only uncomfortable because I was afraid that we would run into these two girls that Corey met there last year and you know, it would just be awkward. But on Monday, Chelsea and I were at camp, and we were talking about relationships for a really long time. We talked about EVERYTHING. And one thing we talked about made me think. I started to wonder if I was uncomfortable because of those girls, or actually just uncomfortable in general. I started to wonder if because I only talk to and see him once a week if it was making me not know what to say to him...I was afraid I was going to start, not being myself in front of him.

Well, I figured I wanted to talk to someone about it, so I decided to talk to Timmi because he knows Corey best out of everyone else. I decided while talking to him that I wanted to see how things go on Saturday when I see him. If I felt comfortable, I would stay with him and let him know about me at one point feeling uncomfortable so I don't keep anything from him. But if I felt uncomfortable, I MIGHT've broken up with him. While I was telling Timmi this, Tim just left and Ryan started to read the conversation, so he knew about what was going on. That really got me nervous because I want to tell Corey myself about me being uncomfortable, not anyone else, and Ryan might. And I was going to tell Timmi when he came back not to say anything to Corey because it's something I would rather say myself. But Timmi never came back.

That's when I started to realize I made a huge mistake. I don't know what I was thinking! I love him more than anything in the world! Of course, I realize and know for a fact now that I was only uncomfortable because I was afraid of seeing those girls. The second you get afraid you might lose the person you love makes you realize everything. I'm so afraid Tim or Ryan's going to say something to him. I want to talk to him myself. I don't want him to think I want to break up with him. I wouldn't, I couldn't. I love him way too much to even think it. I was just worried. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him now because of my stupidity. He once wrote me a note saying that he was afraid to give his heart away because last time he did he got it ripped out of his chest when he thought everything was perfect. And he did give his heart away to me, and I don't want to break it, or even hurt it. I love him, no doubt about it. Nothing's going to ever change it. I wish I could talk to him.

I dunno what else I can say. Mainly this is what I'm going to do. Ask Tim if him or Ryan told him about anything I said to him. If he did, I'm going to have Tim tell Corey to call me when he can so I can explain myself. If not, I'm going to talk to Corey Saturday about it. I don't want Corey to find out about it later and not trust me. I just want him to know that I was confused and felt a little uncomfortable about those girls, and to tell him that I love him so much and that I would never hurt him. I won't hurt him. I won't let it happen. I love him way too much. I g2g...

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Subject:	We'll never get to heaven till we reach that day!
Time:	5:32 pm.
Mood:	excited.
Music:	"Minority" -Green Day.

Everything's been really good! I talked to the kid in the entry below (for like, 2 seconds, but whatever) and he apologized. Everything's fine with us. I'm not the type of person that likes to drag things out, whether it was by accident or on purpose. It happened, and the person apologized, so now you just got to move on from it. :)

Saturday I went to the beach with Corey. It was so awesome. He had to work till 4, but for some reason - I don't know what happened - but he wasn't able to get to my house until around 5:45. My parents dropped us off at the Center of Salisbury Beach. First Corey wanted to play this baseball game a few times. Then we were trying to decide a place to eat, and at first we decided to go to Big and Beefy, but then for a specific reason we decided against it and went to Christy's Pizza instead. Then we walked for about 10 minutes on the beach together, talking and laughing and having a good time. Then my legs hurt (I have pulled almost every muscle in my legs from camp) so I set down a towel to lay down on it. Corey lied down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. We talked for a long time and occassionally kissing in between. At one point I was rolled over not facing him and he wrapped his arms around me. I just wanted to stay like that and fall asleep in his arms...something I've always wanted to do. Then we talked some more, about everything. The main thing I remember from the conversation (I remember the whole conversation but the one that sticks out in my mind the most) is him saying, "Even if we have never done anything I would still love you just as much as I do now." Even though I knew that already, it's still amazing to hear him say that. I love him more than anything. But then we were getting swarmed by little insects that were "bugging" Corey and I, so we got up and started walking back to the Center.
On the way back from the Center, Allyson called my cell phone and asked where we were, and on the way back we found Ally and Meghan at Jay's beach house. Ally was doing her hair, so Corey and I told her we would meet them at the Center in about a half hour. Corey wanted to go on one of the rides, so we got in line to buy tickets. He wanted to go on the ride that is in a big dome with lots of colorful blinking lights. I didn't want to go on the ride because I was worried about Corey's seizures, but he forced me to go on and told me he wasn't going to have one. While we were waiting to get on, we found Ally and Meghan, and they waited for us after the ride. I was sooo scared because of Corey! But luckily he didn't have one, thank God! The ride was really fun though! The cutest part was Corey kissing me on it. :)
After the rides, we walked around and Corey decided he had to play that baseball game again. After the game we went to get some food. Meghan got a slushie, Allyson got cotton candy and I got a chocolate frappe. Then Corey went somewhere else to get some pizza. We sat down at a table and waited for my parents to come get us. It was really funny. Then my parents came around 10 and started to drive us home (and stopped for ice cream). I had a minor headache so I rested on Corey in the car. We ended up kissing a few times. Yay! But then I had to do the hardest thing and say goodbye to him. I didn't want him to go. I love him so much and I miss him the second he walks out of the car. I hugged and kissed him goodbye, and then I went home and talked a little online and then went to bed. I had a hard time staying asleep though because I couldn't forget on how Corey held me on the beach towel when I wanted to fall asleep...I wanted to fall asleep like that so bad that night that I just had a hard time falling asleep without it.

Sunday I hung out with Timmi. We walked to Riverside Plaza and went to the video store and rented two movies. Then we went to Dunkins to get something to drink. We walked back to Tim's house, and Lauren, Tim, Ryan, Keyanna, and Kara were all dying their hair! It all came out pretty good! Then Tim and I left to get some food at Taco Bell. Yum! Then we went to my house and watched the Red Sox before Timmi left at 9 because he had to wake up early the next morning. It was fun. I finished watching the game and talked online a bit and then went to bed for Ragtime in the morning.

Ragtime I think is going really well. I mean, it's not even close to where it needs to be, but it's pretty damn good for the short time we've been doing it. I can tell it's going to be amazing! Tomorrow Chelsea is bringing a tape recorder to record Jon's voice because we LOVE it! We want to rape it, if it is at all possible! Good fun! I can't wait till it's complete and showtime! My grandparents, my auntie Jean and my uncle Mike, Timmi, Lauren, Corey and Corey's mom said they're all coming! Yay! That makes me really happy! If anyone else wants to go, let me know and I can get you tickets!

I'll write more soon! Lada dudes!
~*Laura*~

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Subject:	I see his face. I hear his heartbeat. I look in those eyes, how wise they seem.
Time:	8:39 pm.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	"Till We Reach That Day" -Ragtime.

Ok, this week has been hectic...

Rehearsals have been really long and tiring, but the week goes by fast. It's usually nonstop work. Like today we did 2 1/2 hours of dancing for Henry Ford. My feet killed. Tomorrow we are staging the first act and supposedly some of the second. Pretty nifty I didn't know we were that far ahead. It's fun, and the show is coming along really well. It's going to be great in the end. Ragtime keeps me occupied, and everyone there is so nice and fun to be with.

Well, yesterday was a bad day for me. I came home from camp because I had my last make-up Drivers Ed. I saw Jordan and Michelle there and I haven't seen them in a while. Timmi and Abby picked me up after, and then we went to the loop with Lauren. We picked up Ryan and his friend, and we went back to Tim's house, and then Abby and Timmi brought Ryan and his friend to their house and me home. On the way there, Ryan's friend (who will remain anonymous) whispered into my ear, "will you be my girlfriend?" I was really confused because he knew I had a boyfriend and everything. Then Ryan was like, "give me a kiss," so I kissed him on the cheek. Then he said, "Give him a kiss on the cheek," so I went to go give him one, but then he turned on me and kissed me on the lips. I totally freaked out. Then he kept kissing me on the cheek, so I pulled away. They got out of the car and I talked to Timmi and Abby about it while they drove me home. I felt like absolute crap because of Corey and I know I didn't do anything wrong but I just wanted to talk to Corey and see him so he knew what happened.
When I got home, the second I walked into the house my dad started yelling at me because I was 10 minutes late and didn't call. He told me I couldn't do anything Saturday, and that was when I see Corey. I started to ball my eyes out and my parents didn't know what was wrong so they asked me but I refused to tell him. Then I started yelling back at my dad and then my dad got REALLY pissed. I called Timmi and Timmi told me he was going to come over and talked to my parents. He came and at first I just sobbed next to him, and then he went in and talked to my parents and told them the situation on why I was so upset. Timmi was really scared of my dad because he was yelling. Timmi left, and then I talked to my parents about everything. My dad ungrounded me and he stopped yelling. I called Timmi after and thanked him a ton for being there for me and caring so much. I owe him so much, I luv him.

Today I talked to Timmi about the whole thing. He said he talked to this mysterious boy. He said that he asked me out to be his girlfriend as a joke, and then said he went to go say something to me and that's why he turned and accidentally ended up kissing me on the lips. But...I don't know if I actually believe that. I mean, it would be better if it was that way, but it just didn't seem like it. Many reasons why. If he was joking around about asking me out he wouldn't have put his arm around me and whispered in my ear...he would've just said it aloud. And after the whole turning on me thing, after it happened Ryan said, "I didn't think you were gonna actually do it!" And then they were whispering to each other the entire time...and then him kissing me on the cheek over and over...it just doesn't fit together with what he said. I don't know, I guess I'm going to have to wait and talk to him myself - one on one. I guess Corey saw him today, and said something to him. I don't know what was said, I'll find that out later. When I talk to Corey I'm going to tell him everything. What happened, what the kid said, and what I think. He has every right to know. I don't want to lose him. I'm so glad I have him he's so wonderful. I couldn't ask for anything better. I (hopefully) get to see him Saturday, which will just make everything so much better. I love him, and only him, and I hope he knows that.

Otherwise all this, life is decent. Has its random ups and downs, just like every other.

RAGTIME INFORMATION
PERFORMANCES
Marblehead High School
Friday, August 15 at 7:00 pm
Saturday, August 16 at 2:00 pm & 7:00 pm
Sunday, August 17 at 2:00 pm
TICKETS
$15.00 for adults
$7.50 for students and seniors
General seating

EVERYONE COME! IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME!

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Subject:	I know that the clouds must clear and that the sun will shine.
Time:	4:54 pm.
Mood:	happy.
Music:	Smurfs Techno Remix -DOWNLOAD IT!!!.

My life consists of going to the Davis' house. Today is the first day I HAVEN'T gone there! I'm not going there tomorrow either. Then Sunday I'm going to Cara's, so I won't be there for 5 weeks. Except I'll probably be there one day on the weekend, which is the only time I'm home.

Not only have I been hanging out with Timmi a lot, I've been hanging out with Lauren, his sister. She is just the coolest person ever. We always have something to talk about and we have a lot of fun together. We have a lot in common. She's really easy to talk to. She's taking Chorus next year at HHS which means she's going to Disney with us, so that'll be AWESOME. She's just one of the nicest people I know. She's the best.
There's also Ryan, Timmi's brother who I will talk to a lot too. Ryan is a complete flirt, but he makes me laugh. Then there's Clyde, Ryan's best friend, who is always there. He's really nice, quiet compared to the rest of us. Matt is over there a lot too. He's a funny kid who, like me, hangs out with everyone in the house. He's a flirt as well, but he's very helpful and fun to talk to. Then there's Karyn, Tim Ryan and Lauren's mom. She's the best, what else can I say? She is one of the coolest moms out there.
Then whoever else goes over their house is pretty awesome too. There's always someone over there. It's awesome.

Ashley Ryan and I had the BEST conversation online about our future! We're sick of MA...so we're moving to New York City! We're going to start as bums on the streets of New York, and then we're going to show our stuff to all the world! Ashley is going to join Kelly Ripa on Ashley and Kelly (once Regis dies, according to Ashley) and I'm going to be a famous broadway actress! Screw the apartment we were going to live in, we're going to have enough money to buy a mansion! Then she's going to date Justin Timberlake, and she said I was going to date Joel from GC, but I said I would stay with Corey! Aren't I loyal? HAHA ASHLEY ILU TONS! We gotta do something SOON!

5 more days...then Ragtime starts! (4 more days till I move in with Cara!) I love working with North Shore Music Theatre. I have never had so much fun working with a theatre company as much as I do with them. Marty is the best director ever, and Derek is just the funniest guy and an awesome music director. And the theatre geeks are just awesome. Cara, Kristen, Patrick, Ben, Lisa, Chris, Chris, James, Hannah, Nina, Tim, Chelsea, everyone else, I love them all. It's going to be an awesome camp, I can already tell.
All you Haverhill people, if you wanna get together anytime, I'm free this weekend and I'll be free on weekends during camp too. Call my cell anytime! Or if you don't have my cell number, leave me comments if you wanna do something.

Tomorrow I get to spend time with my Corey! That makes me unbelievably happy! I finally get to see him! He's been grounded so I can't ever see him. His mom almost wasn't going to let me see him but I guess Corey fought her and he won because he's coming over tomorrow! Yay! I don't know what we're going to do yet. Anything is fine with me, just as long as I get to be with him! I miss him so much! Love is amazing huh? Hehehe.

~*Laura*~

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Subject:	I'd give it all for you by my side once more...
Time:	2:39 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	"I'd Give It All For You" -Songs For A New World.

I'm really pissed off right now. Tim ditched me for Nick today. Nick, a kid who he always says is so annoying and everything. He told me he was going to come get me today after summer school and after he paid for his car insurance. I always torture him about not forgetting me because I always get scared that I will be ditched since I have been MANY times before. He said to me, "I'm not going to forget you, when have I ever forgotten you?" Well, obviously he did. Or maybe he didn't forget me, but because he was with Nick he just decided to ditch me. Yeah, he was the one saying he was going to miss me while I was gone for 5 weeks...and I'm leaving sunday...so why does he have to be like this? I even made brownies for him and Lauren and Ryan. I hate being ditched, I'm so sick of it.

Corey's grounded because he failed English. I'm only allowed to see him once a week, and God even knows if I'll see him at all since I can never get a hold of him. It's really getting annoying that he doesn't have a phone. I never know when I'm going to talk to him or see him next. Knowing my luck I won't see him at all. I hate the fact that he has no phone. It just makes everything so much harder especially since I can only see him once a week and plus I'm going away for 5 weeks. Tim was complaining because Robin won't let Corey hang out with him, and I'm just like, "at least you get to see him everyday in summer school." At least he gets to talk to him. I can't even get a hold of him. I could go see him at work but he's not really allowed to talk to me...I could go see him at his house but I'm not allowed there...he really needs his phone back. I'm not giving up on Corey at all or anything, I'm just having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I can barely see him and talk to him. I'm not mad at him, I never have been...I just miss him so much. I hope I will get to see Corey before I go to camp. I love him.

Angry, depressed, once again.

1 more week till Ragtime. I'm really excited about starting this. It'll give me something to do. And I get to see everyone I haven't seen in a while. And then living at Cara's is always fun. At first I felt bad leaving Tim and Corey, but Tim would probably just ditch me anyways, and Corey I can only see once a week, and I'll be back on weekends so maybe I can see him then.

Hopefully Corey will call someday soon so we can plan on a day to do something before I leave...I need to get together with him.

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Subject:	Something's breaking my baby's heart
Time:	11:21 pm.
Mood:	giddy.
Music:	"Buddy Holly" -Weezer.

I'm feeling a lot better than before. Actually I'm completely happy right now.

I talked to Corey and Tim about that whole situation I was upset about before. It made me feel much better. I realized the way I interpretted the situation was wrong. Tim told me what Corey meant by what he said and it completely changed the way I felt about it. Honestly the way I took it would've been the way ANYONE would've taken it, but the way Corey meant it made sense as well. I wouldn't even consider what we had was a fight, I would've called it a misunderstanding. But either way, there was no way that a stupid fight like that could ruin our relationship. Our relationship is just way too strong and I would never break up with him or love him less for a silly little thing. I would never want to ruin this relationship, ever.

Yesterday I went to a lake with Corey, which was awesome. We had a lot of fun. I realized that when he gets older and decides to have kids he's going to make a real good father. Weird though I know, but I saw the way he was with Jonese, his little sister, and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. He teaches her rules and everything, but at the same time he also holds her and kisses her and tells her he loves her. Anyone like that is just going to make a good parent.
I kind of know that I will make a good parent too. I mean, I usually hate talking good about myself, but for some reason I just feel like I would be a good mother. I love kids and when I taught at the rink and did/do theatre, the kids are just, drawn to me. Patrick always used to hate it because every time I would hang out with my friends the little ones would come to me. Patrick told me, "You're like one of those really good mothers, it sickens me." LoL I love Patrick. And I absolutely adored my little students I taught at the rink. I looked forward to seeing them more than I looked forward to getting the money. I love to be around kids. I have a collection of pictures that my little ones have drawn me. Teaching skating made me realize that I could still enforce rules but get the kids to still enjoy coming here and loving me. I can't wait till I'm older and married...then I can start a family.

Anyways, back to the lake. We went swimming for a long time and Corey and I just hung out and had a good time. It amazed me that he was still affectionate when his mom was there. The guys I've been with would barely even hug me in front of their parents. James started giving me hugs and kisses after over a year of going out. But Corey held my hand and put his arm around me and hugged me and kissed me in front of his entire family. Corey's mom is really nice. She treated me really well and she was actually really easy to talk to. Nichole doesn't like me. I remember she told Tim once she didn't like me because I was too nice, but Tim also said that Nichole doesn't like anyone really. I can't really do anything about her liking me, I tried being nice and talking to her about her, but oh well. Tyler I didn't really talk to a lot. He was kind of quiet, and he got in trouble. And Jonese was a wicked cutie. She talks a lot and she's fun to play with. I spent a lot of time with her in the water and she's just so cute. And Corey, I love that boy. What else can I say? I love him more than anything.

I got a wicked sunburn on my shoulders, back, top of my boobs and my face. My face looks like Rudolph wearing blush.

After the lake I went to Timmi's, and Kait was there. We got ice cream from the ice cream truck and made burgers. I was really hyper, and I heard Kait and Timmi talking and Kait was like "She's so cute she's just a bubble of energy!" And Timmi was like "Yea, you gotta love her." Then Timmi went to work, and Kait, Matt and I just talked about personal things. Kait's really fun to talk to. I mean, I have talked to her before, but never for like, a length of time. She's wicked awesome. Then Timmi came back from work and we just chilled and I was still wicked hyper. We laughed so hard that day. I really had a ton of fun. Even though I missed the fireworks, I had an awesome time chillin with Timmi, Kait, Lauren, Matt, and Keana (sp?).

Today Corey and I were supposed to go to the beach with his family, but they didn't go. He still wanted to hang out, but his mom said no. It was the first time I've really heard Corey sad and mad or whatever. I guess he had a really bad day in work, and I think he was upset about the fact that he couldn't see me. It sounded like it because he said seeing me would've made him feel better. He was in a really bad mood, and I felt bad for him. I wish I could've seen him today so he could've felt better. I wanted to see him happy. Timmi and I are going to visit him tomorrow probably while he's at work. So that makes me happy.

I went driving for the first time! It's harder than it looks! I enjoyed it though. I think it's harder because you have to view the road from an entirely different perspective. I don't like right-hand turns because you can't see the curve on the right side so I get scared to take the corner sharp but if I go too wide I go in the other lane. Left-hand turns are easier for me. I hate parking. That's going to take me some time to get right I can tell already. I also got to get used to how sensitive the gas and brake pedals are. You don't need to press down too hard on the gas when trying to get momentum, especially when going down a hill, and if you hit the brake too hard you come to wicked sharp stops or you jerk a lot. But my dad said for my first time I did a really good job and I'm getting the hang of it! I can't wait to go driving some more!

After driving I went to Timmi's and hung out with him for a while. Matt came over too. We went swimming. I'm wicked conserative. I hate people seeing my body. But anyways. Timmi is the person I talk to about everything. Don't get me wrong, I tell Corey, Andy, Cara etc everything, but I see Timmi almost every day so he knows my entire life pretty much. He talks to me as well. We get along really well and we're both really outgoing and playful, so we have a really good friendship. Tomorrow I'm going to his house around 9 in the morning, and leaving around 11:30 so he can go to work. I may go back later. I'm going to try to go driving with my dad again as well.

So, I'm really happy! Yay! Luv to all!

~*Laura*~

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Time:	5:39 pm.
Mood:	disappointed.
Music:	"Iris" -Goo Goo Dolls.

Ok, I don't know what is wrong with me. One second I'm happy then the next second I feel depressed, and it's this ongoing sailing ride that just keeps rocking back and forth and I never know which way the wind is going to blow. I never know when I'll be happy or upset. I'm acting freakin bipolar or something. This has just been recently. I don't know what's going on with me right now. I guess I'm just being way too sensitive and worrying way too much. I can't help it though. I'm trying so hard not to be like that, but it's not working at all.

Today Corey told me something that I know he didn't mean to hurt me with, but it did. I kinda put it on myself for him to tell me, but...I don't know. I really don't want to mention the topic because it's something only he and I know...I think. About our relationship. He just told me something that in the end of him telling me it I just felt like complete and utter crap. I wasn't mad at him, but I freaked out because I was so mad at myself. I was so disappointed that I disappointed him. I have been trying so hard to be make everything perfect and be the best girlfriend he's ever had, but I'm not succeeding. He told me not to worry about it and that he didn't care, and that he'll still love me no matter what, but I'm just so disappointed in myself, that even though he's okay with it I'm not. I'm glad I talked to him about it and I know we're going to end up talking about it more because of the way I'm taking this. I don't know why I am though. I mean, it's not bothering him according to what he said, but it's torturing me. I guess because I just wanted to be 100% perfect for him, and I finally realized I'm not. But he's so perfect for me...I'm going to work on it. I'm not trying to change for him, I would never again change for a guy, but I can try to work on things to better myself and be better to him. I love him so much. I know he loves me too. I'll get over this, just give me time. Maybe once I see him and am able to talk to him and give him a hug and a kiss...maybe even cry...I'll feel better...

Yesterday, Cara and I got into a disagreement. It all started as a joke but then she took something I said seriously, and then we got onto this completely different subject and started arguing about it. We talked later about it and worked everything out. We weren't mad at each other but we were harshly speaking to each other about our beliefs. When we talked after we established that it was just the way we felt and that we still luv each other. She's my best friend. Even though she doesn't think so, but I don't know what I would do without her. She is like a sister to me (she pretty much is I lived with her for 2 summers in the past, and coming up on 3 soon). She's gone down to the Cape right now. I miss her a lot.

And Meghan, I'm sorry I've been acting weird lately. I'm never mad at you ever. You're a great girl and a wonderful person and friend. Thank you for always being there for me and still accepting me after everything. It means a lot to me.

I think I'll feel better in a matter of days. Once I get everything fixed...with everyone and myself...I'll feel better. Maybe. I hope so. Think positive Laura...you will...

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Subject:	I know that the night must end, and that the sun will rise.
Time:	11:44 pm.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	"Endless Night" -Lion King the Musical.

I know you hate it when I talk about Corey all the time...I hate it too...but he's been the main person on my mind these past week or two. Well, I always think about him, always, but usually it's just I think about him a lot after I see him but then later I can think about other things more than I'm thinking about him (even though he's always on my mind). But for some reason this week everything else has been put into the back of my mind while all I can think about is Corey. I'm not obsessing over him, I know that because I know what it's like to be obsessed with someone (James) and it's really bad, but...I don't know.

Today Tim and I got into a car accident, kinda. He picked me up from my house and drove Allyson home, and we were noticing a not-so-healthy sound coming from his car. It started getting so bad that even when he put on the gas it would make the sound and the wheel was shaking. So we stopped by Corey's to pick him up and Tim wanted to talk to Robin (Corey's mom) about the car. Robin drove it around twice and told Tim to just drive it home and not drive it anymore and get it checked out. Corey couldn't come though...something to do with his brother. So Tim and I were driving back to his house, when the sound just got even worse. We knew from then that it was the front passenger wheel shaking uncontrollably. We stopped at an intersection not even 3 minutes from his house, and the second we started to go...BOOM! We're tilted on the ground and the wheel and pieces of the car go flying off. Tim started freaking out, called his mom, and stopped a tow truck passing by. We were both really shaken up by it...for him mainly because it was his baby and he just went through a lot of crap to get it fixed...for me mainly because of my back problems and my neck and back were killing me. I didn't complain though.

I don't know why but after that I just wanted to see Corey. I just wanted to see him and give him a hug...I don't know why I thought that would make me feel better, but I thought it would. I would just feel safe and comforted being in his arms and him whispering into my ear that he loves me...it just means everything to me. I knew I wasn't going to end up seeing him today, because Tim was too shaken up to drive anything, so I was hoping I would see him tomorrow because I'm going to Tim's house early in the morning and we could stop by. But Tim doesn't want to drive the van. I don't know if it's because he doesn't feel comfortable driving, but the reason he's making it sound like is because he doesn't want to drive an automatic. I understand his situation, I just want to see Corey. And I'm not expecting him to take me there at all, but I'm not allowed to go to Corey's house so I can't just stop by. Plus my parents aren't going to be home even if I could. I wish Corey's phone would just get fixed. Then life would be so much easier. Instead of having to wait to see if he magically appears at Tim's house one day or randomly calling me some of the days he goes to work, we can call each other with no problems whatsoever. Plus I could make plans with him to see him sometime. I know he's working a lot this week. But even just 5 minutes of seeing him...just even time to give him a hug and a kiss and to tell him I love him...for some reason I would feel better.

Oh yeah, for all you guys that always seem to think I'm mad when I write things like this, I'm not. Sometimes people will think I'm mad at Corey because of all this. Or Tim. This is no one's fault. It's not Tim's fault that the car failed inspection because of that tire and then supposedly got it fixed and then passed inspection. And it's not Corey's fault that I can't get a hold of him and that I can't see him whenever I want to. I just get upset when I know I can't be with the person I love, or anyone for that matter. Everything will be fine, just in time.

I'm sorry that these last few entries have been kinda pity parties on paper. I don't know I just get an urge to write when I'm sad/angry. I promise I will write when I'm happy or excited or whatever. I'm just usually always happy and excited so that it's no big deal for me when I am. But it'll come. HeHe, I'm gonna go to bed. Early morning tomorrow.

~*Laura*~

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Subject:	I can't stop going out of my head
Time:	10:57 am.
Mood:	guilty.
Music:	"No Brains" -Sum 41.

It's great to know who your friends are and who aren't. I just wish the one's talking shit would own up to it instead of leaving anonymous comments. Thank you to those who stood up for me, I know who you are. I just hate it when people go behind your back and then don't own up to it. They've left comments on my other journal and my friend keeps deleting them because it pisses her off. Maybe they should just own up to who they are. Or just not say shit at all.

I hate it when people make me out to be someone I'm not. I understand that people might look at me as someone who falls in love too easily. But it's not true. I was with James for over two years, of course I loved him. He was the first person I ever loved. And then Kurt. I thought I loved him, but then I realized later that I got love confused with lust. I never loved Kurt. And now there's Corey. So what if I love him like I loved James? I can't just sit here and love James my entire life and never move on. No, I got up and moved on and found someone new...someone who actually treats me good. I'm sorry that I made some mistakes in my life with some of the people I've been with and some of the decisions I've made. I don't care what people have to say about me, or Corey, or my and Corey's relationship...we love each other, and that's all that matters.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell the truth about everything I feel inside. Then maybe people wouldn't look at me as such a bad person. But then I would probably just be looked at as attention-seeking so I really have no way out of it. Just, only my good friends know what I have gone through. It used to never bother me what people said about me. I guess most of the time it still doesn't bother me, but when people post comments on my journal and I don't know who they are it's just really annoying.

I'm sorry to those who think lowly of me and to those who think I'm something I'm not. If you really care that much about what I do with my life and how I feel and everything, maybe you should try to get to know me better before you judge me right away. Or maybe we do know each other. I don't know but if you really don't like me it shouldn't matter to you who I love and how I feel. I warned you that this was going to say my feelings, so why does it have to be that I get shit for it? I don't really know what else to say but I'm sorry.

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Subject:	I LoVe CoReY!
Time:	7:25 pm.
Mood:	loved.
Music:	"Can't Fight This Feeling" -REO Speedwagon.

Sigh...

I can't even begin to explain how much I love Corey Lemieux. He is absolutely everything to me. I've spent pretty much every day with him since Tuesday, and I enjoy every single minute with him. I love laying down with him and being in his arms and looking into his eyes and kissing him. I love telling him how much I love him. I just love being with him. Being in his arms I feel safe and warm and I feel like nothing could ever go wrong. And every single time we kiss I feel like it's the first one. We've been together for over 2 months now, and I have never once been not happy with him. I always have so much fun with him. I've fallen completely in love with him, and I would do anything for him. I don't know what I would do without him. I could spend forever in his arms and never get bored. It's so great because we're open with each other and we tease each other all the time, but we always know we're playing around, and in ways it brings us closer. We've never had a real fight. I can't believe how happy and comfortable I am with him. I haven't felt this way in the longest time. I love him with all my heart. All the time I get scared that for some reason I might lose him, but then when I see him or talk to him, I realize how much he loves me too. For once I can say I'm in love, and he's in love with me too. I never thought I would find a miracle, but I was wrong. When I realized how much you loved me, there, that was a miracle. You are my miracle. Whenever I see or talk to him, I feel like I'm falling in love all over again. I'm crazy about him. He's all I think about and he's the only person I can imagine myself with. He treats me so wonderfully, and I couldn't ask for anything more. I will always be there for him, just as I know he will always be here for me. I would never let any harm come to him. I could never hurt him. If I ever hurt him, I would be hurting myself. He has grown to be a part of me. There is nothing I could ever do or say to express how much I care for him. You are the sun in my winter sky, you are the hello in goodbye. You are the stars shining down on me, you are everything I had hoped you would be. You are the arms wrapped around a hug, you are the pull when I need a little tug. You are the lips that feel my gentle touch, you are the one who loves me so much. You are the one who I come to for love, you are my angel sent from above. I need your love, I need you too, because I am the I in I love you.

Corey- I love you so much. If you ever need anyone or want anything or just want someone to talk to, I am here for you always. You can call me anytime you want, and you are always welcome to my house. You are forever in my heart. We're so good for each other. I love you, don't ever forget that.

~*Laura*~

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