Blurty for Warped Aura.
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

Subject:Looking back...
Time:8:23 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
Music:A Place For My Head--Linkin Park.
I've been thinking about the past alot. Mostly school, friends. Lots of regrets. Lots of people I want to apologize too. I suddenly feel bad. I cried twice today; I cry easily. I really felt like letting this all out, so I'm just gonna type it up in here, not giving two shits about who sees it.

I've been thinking about about Zak. He was an english kid who transferred to out school. He wasn't quite right in the head, and that's putting it lightly. But I cared about Zak, alot. In the beginning, we were good friends. I felt that we understood each other. And for the short time I knew him, I felt that there was nothing I couldn't tell Zak. I trusted him. But he was teased alot. And me, being the ass I am, teased him too. Not for the same reason, of course. Just friendly teasing. But Zak was annoyed by it. I didn't mean to upset him. I know he didn't hate me because of it, even if he said he did alot. But I could tell, by the way he looked, he didn't mean it. It hurt though. A lot of, "I hate you"s and "you disgust me"s, all to respond to my, "I'm sorry"s and "Let's try to be friends again, Zak"s. I didn't mean to. I really did like Zak. Not like people said I did, of course. But I cared about him and in truth, I would of done anything to help him out. But he went back home. I never got to say good-bye, or let him know that I was really, truly sorry. I didn't help him with his problems, I made them worse. I'm sorry, Zak. People said he was fucked up. Maybe they were right. I didn't care, he was my friend. I'm sorry, Zak. I was no help.

And suddenly, I'm thinking about Josh. We're friends now, yeah. With the occasional, "Oh, dear God" and "Oh, no" when ever I cling to him, but it's all good. Still, back then, Josh was really depressed at home. I think he still is. I was bugging him and, like an idiot, I jumped on him, or rather on his book bag. He was yanked back and fell to the ground. I stood over him.

"Bianca!" He'd yelled, kicking at my leg, red and angry. "That HURT!" He was serious.

Any other person would of apologized. Helped him up and told him they'd never do it again. But not me. I wanted to, but it wouldn't come out. Instead, I smiled smugly and he stood and didn't talk to me. I wanted to cry then; I'm wimpy like that. I'm sorry, Josh. I really am. Even if we're friends now, I'm sorry for back then. When you were sad, and I couldn't make you feel better and when I upset you and couldn't apologize. I know you're not reading this, but I'm so sorry.

Jerry was a good friend of mine. He moved. I never even got a chance to tell him good-bye. I regret that. I really do miss him. Me and him; we were two of a kind. We were both complete retards and we loved being that way. Jerry made him laugh and vice-versa. I used to really hate him. But we became friends. That's one thing I'll never regret. He's gone. I hope he's doing well.

Alveta and Khadedra are a grade ahead of me now. I failed. I miss them and we don't talk anymore. I knew them the longest, before any of the others. We were like sisters and now it's like we never even knew each other. I had hoped, even though I failed we would keep in touch. This hope was shattered when I lived each day afterwards with an empty e-mail box and lack of phone calls.

Devi, she just left. I have regrets, but I don't. I'm kind of glad she did. Our friendship was a quick one, and not very stable. It didn't last as long as any of the others. Devi, if you ever somehow read this, I don't hate you. I just have a strong dislike for you now as I'm sure you do me. But if you're willing to try again...then maybe.

Kat came back on. I'm not worried. We're still friends. But her mom didn't like me. I think that's why she moved. But, like I said, I'm not worried.

Dib's been gone forever. I hope he's alright, really I do. Emily misses him something terrible. Rin would call me if something had happened; I'm sure of it. I know he's okay. I know he's okay.....I hope he's okay....I'd rather not stay on the subject. Thinking about him makes things worse.

I feel, for some reason, that it's my job to cheer my friends up when they're sad. Comfort them. But I suck at that. So I say and do stupid stuff to make them smile. And when it doesn't work, I say and do nothing at all. And I feel horrible on the inside. As if I've failed my duties somehow as their friend. I like to see my friends smile. Everyone who I know on a friendly basis; everyone I care about. If they're not happy, I can't be happy. I can act like it, but I'm not. When I can't cheer them up...When I can't make them smile...I feel terrible. I feel...worthless. Like I'm not useful or good for anything except being in the way. And I cry. Like I said, I cry easily. My mom says I cry *too* easily. And she's right. I cry for stupid things.

People, they make fun of me. And I feel like I'm no better than them. Because I make fun of people too, behind their backs. I want to stop; I know it's not a good thing to do. I don't do it often...Just, sometimes, something slips out. I don't mean for it to. It just does and I can't take it back and afterwards, I feel horrible for saying it. No one deserves that. No one deserves to be talked about badly or anything like that. No matter who they are. I don't like it when they do that to me; I shouldn't do it to them. Maybe it's because I'm a hypocrite...I don't know.

I took a test and it said I was "The Protector". Only 50% was true. I am not who people turn to for advice. I'm the one who turns to others for advice. I'm no leader. I never will be. I'm not strong enough. But I care about my friends and hold them close...So close, that I really do believe a true betrayel may shatter me. Devi's kind of did. I didn't say anything, but I cried for four nights straight after that. I was disgusted with myself afterwards.

I'm ranting, so I'm gonna shut up. Supposed to be a Hurricane tomorrow. I'm not going to school for the rest of the week. I get to do a report on Yamamura Sadako. Wanna help, leave a comment. I'll appreciate it. Bye.

Chosen Hopeless Nothingness
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Blurty for Warped Aura.

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