Fe'Lix's Hiding Place [Ramblings|Delicate Few|That's so yesterday]

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*friends-only* [29 April 2013|11:52am]
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Whisper truths in my ear

some things never change... [02 July 2012|04:53pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | May I have this dance... copeland ]

This journal has archives from 2003. I'm 26 & it's still a constant struggle.

Whenever I'm lapsing I come back. The faces often seem so different. Are we getting "too old" for this?

I can't deny that a lot of things are better... getting rid of toxic relationships (mother), getting blessed & stumbling into the best relationship of my life. I married a man who puts up with my crazy like a champ, I cannot even begin to understand how he does it. In 2009 I started to "get healthy"/gain weight for him, and ended up getting pregnant. The last few years have been an ongoing battle trying not to let this thing win. I have a 2.5 year old and I want to be healthy for him, but I actually had health complications while pregnant that still linger and made it hard to lose the weight. I found myself at the highest weight I've ever been (preggars weight hanging on).

This last year- year-&-a-half, off an on, I would find my efforts to lose...lose...lose, reinvigorated. But I often would hit a wall of frustration because the only way I know to do that is to embrace the old friend... shhh... she'll hear us. I've fought and fought and fought, but the last few months I've found myself losing the daily battles here and there & it's starting to make a difference. I can't say the words... relapse.

I cannot lie- It feels kind of good. AND, for the first time ever, I actually have the weight to lose, so it's all compliments & support; this is very different from the kind of input that was par for the course when I was 60...70...80...90 lbs. The fact that those where my old regulars makes me cringe to think that I've... double... nearly tripled that! I only cringe a little because, to be honest, I had been above 100 for a few years before getting pregnant. Then, I got up to 125 before getting preggars (I'm 5'2).

I feel like I'm being realistic. I am someone's mother... someone's wife. I want to be fabulous. I want to glow and to be fit & beautiful. Being haggard is not ideal.

Think Thandie Newton or Zoe Saldana (I use them b/c they are my dopplegangers).

Zoe & Thandie )

A little secret:
I almost feel like I'm reliving those first few years (nearly 20 years ago) where it was my dirty little secret & I actually got giddy about it all... you know, before everything came crashing down. My life has just taken me so far off the planned path. And that's all GREAT, don't get me wrong. But, needless to say, I don't control anything anymore. Every decision is about what's best for our family... consequently, my career is on hold. So this... sadly... it's nice. It's mine. [I'm crazy, I know.]

playing with fire

30lbs. to lose.


I've heard 1 lie Whisper truths in my ear

Some photos... [16 January 2007|10:33pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Death Cab for Cutie...Soul Meets Body ]

B/c My macbook is awesome...and iSIGHT pretty cool too.

Pictures )

I've heard 3 lies Whisper truths in my ear

"She had the oddest sense of being herself invisible, unseen; unknown..." [05 October 2005|11:22am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Ben Harper...Another Lonely Day ]

I swear, just as rapidly as the time is passing it seems like I'm in a time warp of constant "todays". Its weird.

Andrew and I got into this huge argument because he wants to blame himself for the cake incident...and I prefer to place the blame where it belongs. On Joe. I'm over it now...but we got into a huge argument. He bought me flowers and brought them up to my job while I was working.

Note: I am not the romantic type, Public displays of affection make me nervous and embarassed. I'm learning to not hate it so much though.

Andrew and I have been together for, essentially, 9 months, almost. I met him around the 12th of January and we've be pretty much together ever since, though we weren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend until March. Anyway, we've been together for 9 months and this was the first time he's ever bought me flowers. I'll remember how sweet he was about it. How perfect he made it feel in spite of the fact that they were 'make-up' flowers. He was sorry about the argument and that is all that mattered. And he even remembered that I love wild flowers and such...they are gorgeous. I've taken pictures of the bouquet and I'll put them up when I get them developed and scanned.

Friday-Tuesday I worked 42 hours. That with school and studying, and ballet has left me pretty lifeless. Energy depletion at an all time high. Waiting tables has proven to be better for me (money wise) than greeting/hostessing, but I'm still the head hostess, just picking up server shifts when they need it, or I need it. Yesterday I could barely move faster than the pace of a snail... it was horrible, and I was particularly exhausted from ballet.

I have been so on top of things and now I feel all behind and such...

These are the things I need to do to be back on track, I could, ideally, be back on track by tomorrow.

Read Mrs. Dalloway
Read through chapter 11 in The Grapes of Wrath
Do Interview of Expostory writing (tonight)
Transcribe Interview
write 4 page essay on interview (due tomorrow)
Read Chapters 6,7,9 in Biology text
Retype notes for Biology
Study ballet terminology (mostly spelling) for test 10/06

That's pretty much it. The main thing is reading Mrs. Dalloway and The Grapes of Wrath

I'm doing the interview this afternoon and then transcribing it and writing the paper tonight. I have two weeks before my exam for Biology so the reading of the chapters and retyping of notes is something I want to do for my personal benefit. I have an assignment in there but that is due on the 14th so I have time to work on that. Its not that much, I'm not really that behind, I just really like the feeling of being completely on top of things.

Completely in control.
My thighs are looking thinner by the day.

Now if I can just get the chaos that is this apartment under control all will be in order.

I'm waiting on that feeling that all is in order....

I've heard 1 lie Whisper truths in my ear

The End... [25 May 2005|05:33pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Jack Johnson...Times like These ]

darkness consumes me
innocense stolen by
the misguided promise of Redemption
awareness withers without recovery
demons embrace my condition
And sentence me to life without direction


I've heard 3 lies Whisper truths in my ear

blah.. [24 July 2004|11:12pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | silence. ]

I think I'm going to go die now..

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Sudden flows of tears are unwelcome.



I've heard 6 lies Whisper truths in my ear

*sigh* [28 January 2004|12:17pm]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Book of Rhymes...Nas ]

Some things change, yet remain the same.


Whisper truths in my ear

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