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 gloomy |
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music |
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Takeoffs and Landings...The Ataris |
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Yesterday I was depressed.
Missed my second day of classes.
This place is not good for me.
I had a migrane that lasted from 8am (I went to sleep at 6:30am) until 1:30ish am the next morning. I thought my brain would explode.
He made asked me to go to the Greensboro show w/him Skapgoat and Swift were playing.
I couldn't make it through the night. I was passed out on the wooden stairs between sets, I only heard Swift's first song, then I was passed on on the hood of the car. This guy, Bruce, actually came over because he thought I was passed out from acohol and wanted to check my breathing.
I hadn't eaten all day.
I was dizzy and faint and my head hurt like a motherfucker.
I wanted to go HOME (as in S.Charlotte, Providence Rd., 51, Matthews...).
I couldn't get anyone to come get me from here (University Area- 25minutes away from HOME).
This made me teary, which increased the depression, which made my head hurt worse.
Also, my body aches from atrophy.
Yay, for being thinner!
I cannot party every night, not eat a damn thing during the day, get 2 hours of sleep, drink like a fish (or even when I don't drink, b/c of medicine), and be around 2nd hand pot smoke every day and think that my already failing immune system will be ok with this activity.
I realized why I hate kissing/sex with Scott.
His lips reak of pot (the taste is... ICK) and his body permeates the smell of it as well. I hate the smell, and the taste even more. I don't know why I couldn't figure it out, he fucking smokes pot like its his Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack.
And then, there's the other thing. He told me that when he first saw me at the show/battle (he did lights for my band) he saw me and said, "hmm...who's that girl?" with a smile on his face. When I first saw him, I said "hey, thanks for doing the lights for my band, just make sure the red lights stay on Dan, and Danny likes the blue lights..."
I was never even attracted. And with each day I pick him apart and become even less and less attracted, to the point of repulsion.
I have to get out of here, but have nowhere to go.
This saddens me greatly.
I wrote my mother this long ass email. She read it an hour later, its 2 days later and she has yet to acknowledge its existence. This saddens me greatly, as well.
I find myself on the verge of passing out at any given time (low blood sugar), every now and then I sprinkle some sugar on my tongue and just lie down. I think that it helps, but its probably only in my head. My anemia is worsened, there isn't a second that I'm not shivering, my nails are blue, my skin a pale tone, my lips a tinge of purple, all acompanied by an occasional chattering of teeth.
Yay for being thinner!
I have no desire to move, to eat, to sleep, to do anything but get out of HERE.
And I can't.
I can't because I don't have anywhere else to go, and this is better than nothing.
Yesterday I saw a rainbow (there was a sun shower), and though this gypsy knows there's no pot of gold at the end, a few moments of wishful thinking left me with a few hours of unbareable depression. I let my seat back and slept the rest of the 1.5 hour drive to the show (Greensboro). The irony of depression and migranes, they make you want to sleep, but when you wake up, they are only worsened, because the problem has not gone away, but yet, had time to increase intripotally (sp?).
I wish, constantly, for some rapid death. A strong blow to the brain by some stranger in the night (after a show). Scott to run off of the road at 2am after a show, from sleep deprivation, and my side to be rammed into a tree. A scare unlike any other to cause my weak, arrithmatic heart to stop instantly. Lithium intoxication (involuntary). To find out I have some rare form of cancer that once discovered only leaves you with one week to live.
I have failed so many times at killing myself that now I only hope the God will have some mercy on this broken soul. Some death, that I have no control of, other than wishing it to be, and a swift flight to heaven, or at this rate, probably hell....
Our father who art in heaven....
And then I realize, my words have stopped holding any weight. They have stopped mattering.
Because I have stopped mattering.
I, somehow, got lost under the radar... and that seems to be where I shall remain.
forever
-L
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disappointed
anxious
sick
content
numb
curious
exhausted
creative
horny
confused
crushed
restless
discontent