| Never enough, ALWAYS TOO MUCH!!!!! |
[22 Mar 2004|09:27pm] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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music |
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"Fifteen" (sp? and is that even the name of the song??" |
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I've gained so much weight. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I was doing so good for awhile. Then it all went downhill. What is wrong with me??? I feel so FAT! My younger sister is my height and she is currently at my goal weight. She is 4 pounds away from being considered underweight. God... I'm so jealous. I mean I'm concerned for her because she's got an eating disorder too. But deep down I'm fucking jealous. I mean I know it's not her fault. I guess it's the green monster inside of me.
I've been having such a hard time sleeping too. I've been so wired. Well, Tomorrow I'm gonna go to the track. For sure. I have to start exercising again. I've gotten sooooooooooooo HUGE!
Ugh I hate myself.
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| quick update |
[19 Mar 2004|10:27pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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I know I haven't updated in awhile. I've been busy. Anyway, my diet has gone downhill. I'm such a pig.
I did jog 2 miles today though, and 8 miles yesterday... woohoo!
WEll, like I said it's a quick update. So yea this was pointless. sorry, Bye
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| boredom... survey time... |
[18 Mar 2004|10:28pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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"Wilkomen" -Cabaret soundtrack |
] |
WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with? Myself
2. What is your weapon of choice? Peace
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Not on purpose... I'm not a violent person
4. How about of the same sex? Nope
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Katelyn... for drinking too much and she had to take care of me... I'm a loser... yes I am
6. What is your pet peeve? Ignorance
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I HATE confrontation... so I never stay mad at people for long...
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? hmmm... Homework I guess...
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? Um probably 2pm... But there was a reason
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: Mike
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "I can eat this tonight... I'll start the fast tomorrow"
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Yes... AERO-BED... more than once that's the sad part.
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? Today I jogged 8 miles... woohoO!
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Oh god... I purposely set it early so i can hit the snooze button a million times so it feels like I'm getting more sleep.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Um... Planet oxygen, it's caffienated, flavored water. Priced at $2 a bottle
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? White
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? Um... a water bottle full of Goldschlauger... needless to say, I never drank that shit again. Damn was I sick the next day. UGH
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Ha... I have my own diet... some of you may be familiar with it... it's called Bumilimia... ooooo fun
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? ummm... I'm fat? well, not according to doctors and shit but I hate myself... does that count?
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? I'm not sure... probably sweets
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? ummmm... No can't say I have... wow, interesting question though... hehehe
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? God... do I have to count??? at least 15 or 20... seriously.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked? Umm... seeing as I'm so self-conscious about my body maybe like 5?
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? at times... yes... what's wrong with that?
4. Have you "done it"? Oh wow... how elementary is that? But Yes I've "Done it"
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Butt
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Can't say I have... but I have been offered 5 grand to star in an amatuer porn film. I turned it down though. The guy was a freak!
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Pregnancy yes...
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? Nada... just a debit
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Victoria's Secret
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Pay off my medical bills
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Famous
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Nah...
6. Have you ever stolen anything? probably, but not counsciously... I'm not a klepto or anything, but I was probably like five and stole a gumball or something.. who knows?
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? um... a lot
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Being the female lead in my high school musical my senior year
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Mastered the flute and other musical talents
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Be on broadway... that'd be nice
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? No
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? no
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? nope
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? jogged 8 miles.
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friend's would you most want to have for your own? Hmmm... the ability to wear size 0 pants
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Babs... most def.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Hm... that's tough, either Catherine Zeta-jones, or Twiggy...
4. Have you ever been cheated on? yes...
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Um... how about a whole different body????
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Willpower
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Not really
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? LUST... because I'm a whore.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Being Fat
02 | Death
03 | Rejection
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THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Babs
02 | Stephanie
03 | Mike
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THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Acting/singing
02 | My sisters/friends
03 | My dog
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THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | My body
02 | Food
03 | My english Professor
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THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Ignorance
02 | George W. Bush
03 | Why can't I be thin?
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THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | A lamp
02 | Pug Calender
03 | Stuffed ducky that goes "quack quack quack"
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THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | doing this survey
02 | sitting
03 | breathing
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THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | Be on Broadway
02 | Go to Jerusalem
03 | Loose 50 pounds
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THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | Breathe
02 | Sleep
03 | Be fat
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THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | Loopy (as Dale put it)
02 | open minded
03 | Self-conscious
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THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | Loose weight
02 | Draw
03 | Chemistry
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THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | Hoobastank's "The Reason"
02 | Silverchair's "Ana's song"
03 | William Hung's "She Bangs"
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THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | ME
02 | ME
03 | ME
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THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | UGH I'm SO FAT
02 | I HATE MYSELF
03 | I'm a fucking hefer... I'm OBESE
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THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Non fat cottage cheese (mmmm i could live of of it)
02 | Pria Bars
03 | SOy chips
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THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | water
02 | water
03 | water
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THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Sesame Street
02 | Eureeka's Castle
03 | Punky Brewster!!! (religiously)
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RANDOM QUESTIONS:
1 | What is your name spelled backwards? Yma Iksnyzcub
2 | How did you get your lj name? : It's a blurty actually... BUT it describes me perfectly... well, imperfectly... I don't know...
3 | Are you homosexual?: I don't know... isn't everyone a little Bi sexual? I think so. If you get enough Vodka in me I could be.
Ok that was fun... not really... I don't expect anyone to actually read it.
I jugged 8 miles today WOOHOO! Not consecutivly... YEa I can't spell. But I ate a bunch. I'm a fat cow... yes I am. I should just die.. blah blah blah... Grr I'm so frusterated.
Tomorrow starts fast number... who knows?????
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| "Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to" |
[17 Mar 2004|09:54pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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"Road to Recovery" -Rufio |
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So I did okay today I guess. I ate this morning but threw it up. Then I took four diet pills and spent the rest of the day cleaning and re-arranging my room. I had an apple, then did 100 crunches. And some jogging in place because it's snowing like crazy outside. For dinner I ate 1 cup non-fat cottage cheese and 6 slices of cucumbers. I did another 100 crunches... 50 leg lifts for each leg. And weight lifting. And more running in place.
I feel wired though. I can't sleep. I took my sleeping pills but I'm still totally wired. Maybe I just need to exercise more. I'll probably end up doing that. I'll have to wear my headphones though so I don't wake up my sister. Today I was so lazy and slept in until 1:20pm. Ugh I felt like such a lazy cow as always.
Today is a bad day for me anyway. It's a long story really so I won't get into it now. But it just brings back many unpleasant memories. I'll probably write about it at some point in here. I always do.
Anyway, I feel okay about today. I think i did pretty well. It's funny because there were 2 ED movies on today. Hungerpoint was on Lifetime and For the Love of Nancy was on LMN... it was like a sign. heheheh. Aww Ana's always looking out for me!
Anyway, I'm gonna go exercise some more... until I fall asleep... which will most likely be NEVER. Oh well...
Sweet Dreams!
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| Self hatred drives me... |
[16 Mar 2004|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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"I believe" -blessed union of soul |
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I really hate myself... but when don't I? Anyway, I purged twice today. I wasn't going to throw up my dinner but I just felt so uncomfortable with that food inside me... I had to get rid of it. Tomorrow I'm going to clean and re-arrange my room. That should keep me busy and away from food for awhile. It's snowing out pretty bad so it's not like I can go for a jog or anything... and that totally pisses me off. I need my exercise. I guess I could always exercise inside my house. I need to start doing more crunches. I just feel so un-motivated. So blah and lazy. But I can't be. I've turned into such a cow. If I could fast on sunday for 24 hours... then I can do it again tomorrow. I just gotta keep myself busy, read some ED books and watch my ED movies. Whatever it takes... I have to do it!
Blah... I've gained so much weight. I'm at 139 now. I hate it!!! I'm so FAT!!!!!
Last night I had such a hard time falling asleep. I had purged my dinner last night and when I throw up I keep doing it until only stomach acid comes up. I have to make sure I get EVERYTHING up... otherwise what's the point? Anyway, so I guess my stomach was pretty empty... and I felt so hungry... like my stomach was absolutely killing me!!! owies... I came so close to going out into the kitchen and binging. But I stayed in my room and watch "perfect body". Until I feel asleep which wasn't until about 4am. Yay... I'm so tired.
It's 10:30 now... I wonder if I'll actually get any sleep tonight. I think I'm gonna keep reading "second star..." Okay, so I stopped eating at 8pm... I purged what I ate so... let's see. 8pm tomorrow night is the next time that I can eat... BUT i have to purge whatever I eat because that will be really late. I don't like to eat that late.
Ok well, wish me luck AGAIN... maybe I won't be such a weak fat cow tomorrow and will actually be able to do this... goodnight
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| I want to walk across the snow without leaving a footprint |
[16 Mar 2004|04:31pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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"Pour some sugar on me" |
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I've been purging a lot recently. I did it twice yesterday. When I ate breakfast, and then when I came home and ate dinner. Then I purged my breakfast this morning. I haven't been keeping anything in. Well, except today I had half an orange and an apple. I feel gross and fat.
I really want to loose this weight. I'm so frusterated. It's snowing out... so I won't be able to go to the track for awhile... Well I shouldn't let a little snow stop me! I should just go out and run anyway...
Oh well, I think I'm going to re organize my room tonight to keep me away from food. I definetly need to clean too. I'm working tomorrow at 8am. woohoo... ugh I hate opening... actually not as much as I hate closing.
So yea, I have nothing else to say really. So I guess I'll update again.
Bye!
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| I want to dance between the raindrops in a downpour |
[15 Mar 2004|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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Ugh I'm so fat... I hate myself. I tried to go as long as I could without eating. I took 6 diet pills, then went to the track with Babs and did three miles or so, plus bleachers... Then I went to therapy. I had an anxiety attack while I was there. It wasn't too fun. I spent the majority of the time just trying to breathe and calm myself down. I was shaking so much, I thought I was going to pass out. But the anxiety passed like it always does... We talked a little bit about my body image. But that's it. I didn't go into detail. I honestly didn't want to get into it.
Anyway, I came home and I began by eating a couple animal crackers... they're fat free so I thought... okay a few is harmless. Then, I lost control as always... choco chip cookies, bagel bites, and more animal crackers... ugh. I threw it up... but I still feel disgustingly fat.
I really want to try and stop purging because that's what I'm most worried about. I'm scared of the damage that I've done to my body... I'm not as worried with the fasting thing.. but it's the purging that's really getting to me. I know that I've done damage to me heart... i can feel it. I hate this... I really do. I wish I had the will power to just not eat.
Well, I'm starting now... shooting for another 24 hours. We'll see.
wish me luck
Goodnight for now
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| binge... purge... starve... ugh |
[15 Mar 2004|01:45pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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"Numb" -Lincoln Park |
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So I did okay yesterday with my fast and everything. But this morning I binged. I had two slices of pizza, some animal crackers, and a handful of chips. I purged. Which was good. I took four diet pills, and I'm fasting for as long as I can. At least 24 hours. I'm going to the track today with Babs. Get a good workout going.
I also have therapy tonight. Woop-de-fuckin-doo... I don't know what to talk about.
My therapist isn't for my eating disorder. i started going to her for my PTSD, and cutting. I've been seeing her for almost 4 years now. And my eating disorder developed about 6 months after I started seeing her. It's not something she specializes in though. I don't know if I'd want to go to someone who does specialize in it because then I'd have to get better. I mean granted, I hate living like this sometimes... but I don't want to get fat. And I don't think I could stop even if I tried. When I look at my future, I still see me ED being a huge part of my life. I really don't think it will ever go away...
I guess that depresses me sometimes, but then at least I have something in my life. Something that I can hold on to and that no one will take away from me. In the end, if I want to do this to myself, then I'm going to do it. And no one can stop me.
Well, I need to do something to keep me away from food today so I'm going to go read one of my ED books. I think "Second Star to the Right", or "Slim to None" haven't decided yet. It's so great... I have like a freakin library in my room of ED books and movies and thinspiration pictures.
So I'm gonna go read my book... And so starts another fast. Wish me luck!
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| 24 hours |
[14 Mar 2004|10:36pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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"The Reason"- hoobastank |
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So I fasted for 24 hours. Now I'm having a cheese sandwhich. consisting of two pieces of toast, with one slice of cheese and a tsp. of mustard.
Fasting wasn't that hard. I took four Diet pills, then went to the track with my friend Katie. We motivated eachother and it was so great. I don't know how many miles we walked... at least 5. Then we did bleachers. 10 sets. GOod times... much needed exercise. We came back to my house and watch one of my ED movies. GOod thinspiration. By the time she left I had to take a shower then go to church so I had no time to eat. yay!
i still felt gigantic during mass though. I couldn't sit still, I just felt so fat and gross... as always. still at 136... ugh maybe I shouldn't break my fast...
Well, I'm off to bed. Sleeping pills are kicking in.
I've got therapy tomorrow... woohoo... fun times. okay, I'll write again.
Goodnight
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| It takes discipline to be thin... |
[13 Mar 2004|11:40pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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my dad snoring... hehehe |
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I did terrible today as always. God, I seriously hate myself.
Breakfast:
bowl of cereal
Lunch:
soy chips
Luna bar
Dinner:
chicken sandwhich
french fries
Easy mac...
I AM DISGUSTING!!!
I took 6 diet pills today. Taking 4 at once helped a lot because I went about 10 hours or so before I ate again. And I was shakey and everything and I actually love that feeling. But, I've gained about 3lbs. I'm so disgusted.
I almost threw up my lunch... I felt so gross but I was at work... so i couldn't. I looked in the mirror and felt like crying. Seriously... I hate it. I can't stand to look in the mirror anymore. It's my worst enemy.
Well, tomorrow I'm going for a jog providing that the weather is good. I'm going to really try and restrict myself. We'll see how that goes.
Well, it's late and my sleeping pills are kicking in so I'm off to bed. Goodnight
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| The Romans had the right idea, when stuffed to the gills... push reject" |
[12 Mar 2004|10:17pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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music |
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"Mice and Men" |
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So I had three pieces of pizza for dinner tonight. I'm such a pig. I threw it up though. It was awful. Pizza is never fun to puke up... anyway, I kinda ate like a "normal" person today:
Breakfast:
bowl of cereal
Lunch:
Turkey sandwhich
Snack:
1/2 cup non-fat cottage cheese
dinner:
binge on pizza~Purged
Okay, maybe not so normal. But breakfast and lunch was okay. I took four Diet pills today. I don't know why I bother because they don't work that good.
I can't wait to watch my movie tonight. I need some thinspiration. I feel so gigantic. I was looking in the mirror while I was changing into my PJ's ... I'm disgustingly fat right now and I hate it. I felt like crying. I need the will power. I used to be so good and now I'm just a big vaccum that eats everything in sight. I hate myself.
I'm going to try very hard to fast tomorrow. I'm working the majority of the day so that should help me. We'll see how it goes. Well, I'm gonna go watch my movie.
Sweet Dreams
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| feeling fat |
[12 Mar 2004|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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FAT |
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music |
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"blurry" |
] |
ugh, I feel grotesque. As always. I ate a lot today. I took two diet pills, and I'm going to take two more before I go to work. I'm taking XenadrineEFX and they don't work for me at all. I want my Hydroxies! Those worked good for me. I haven't done any walking today. I feel like such a lazy hefer. As always...
I heard my little sister puking a few minutes ago. She's bulimic as well. My older sister has disordered eating as well. So it's just a family thing I guess. And I hate it. The best part is that I can get away with it. My mom doesn't even care if I eat or not. Even if she hears me yakking she doesn't say anything. I guess that's a good thing right?
I want to go for a jog but the weather is acting weird. Maybe I should just go. Ugh... I do not want to go into work today. That's going to suck so much.
There's a movie on tonight called "Perfect Body". That movie was what triggered me into my ED. I remember the night I watched it and I started doing crunches like crazy... and i've been the same ever since.
I'm eating pizza right now but I think I'm gonna throw it up. I don't feel like keeping it in. I feel so huge.
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| Nothing tastes as good as thin feels |
[11 Mar 2004|01:57pm] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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music |
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"Fighter" |
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So, I weighed myself this morning and I was at 136lbs. So, I guess I lost a couple pounds... that's good but I'm no where near my goal weight. Still 19 more pounds to go. This is how my day went:
Breakfast:
2 diet pills
Lunch:
16 animal crackers
half an apple
Snack:
2 diet pills
Walked 2 miles
Not bad... But I'll probably end up eating when I get home from school. That's where I am now. I have one more class and then I'm going home for about an hour, then I have work. So it's not like I have a lot of time to eat, but I can eat a lot in an hour... trust me.
I'm working until closing so that will keep me away from food for the night... always helpful.
Yesterday I did terrible... I binged but I didn't get rid of it. I had one class and after that class I went for a walk. I walked 4 miles and jogged 1. Not good enough though because I ate when I got home. I had some rice, spinach and beef tips. Then my sister had russel stovers caramel chocolates. And I had three. Ugh... I'm such a cow. I watched the movie "hungerpoint" last night for motivation. It kinda worked, I ended up doing 100 crunches and weight lifting... 20 reps. each so a total of 100 reps. That was before I went to bed. Because the movie motivated me to get off my fat ass and burn some calories.
I have so many movies about ED and booke too... let's see, I have:
"For the Love of Nancy" -Lifetime movie about an anorexic girl played by Tracey Gold
"Hungerpoint"- another Lifetime movie about a family obsessed with dieting and on girl becomes severely anorexic
"Dying to Dance" - Another Liftime, about an anorexic ballerina
and my absolute favorite...
"Secret Between Friends"- another Lifetime of course. About two best friends who have ED's and they support eachother, and I love it because it reminds me of my best friend Babs and me. It's like our life story.
and the books I have are:
"hungerpoint"
"My sister's bones"
"Slim to None"
"Second star to the Right"
"Insatiable"
"Mouthing the Words"
"Fat Chance"
I can't think of anymore... I have such a headache right now. It totally sucks. ugh... I want to buy some pretzels or something. But I have to stay strong. I think tonight I will buy a pria bar at GNC before work and that's what I'll have for dinner. Sounds like a good plan.
I don't want to go to class, I want to go home. I should just skip this class... no I shouldn't. Okay, Well I guess I'm done complaining now.
So bye for now!
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| introduction |
[10 Mar 2004|09:21pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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"Come clean"- hillary duff... such a cute song |
] |
So, i have another blurty but it's open to all my friends. I want to be able to write openly about my ED. But I can't in the other blurty because I always end up getting lectured and scolded. So this will be my own private blurty. THis way I won't be judged or scolded for what I do. I'm not really Pro-ED. I think it's a terrible thing to deal with. And I wouldn't ever advise people to do it. But I also have no desire to stop. I've been struggling with it for 3 years now. I go back and forth between starving and then binging and purging. I also take diet pills. my bulimia is absolutely the hardest thing for me to control. Even though I'd like to think I have control over it. I'm not really thin. here are my stats:
height: 5'5
current weight: 138lbs
goal weight: 117 lbs.
highest weight: 204 lbs.
lowest weight: 123 lbs
not too impressive I know. Well I used to be extremely over weight because I was a compulsive eater. I began by cutting back on the food intake and exercising. It started off as a healthy diet... but as I start loosing and getting compliments, it turned into a life altering obsession. So, here I am 3 years later still puking up my food. It's a grand old time I tell ya. Not really.
What I want to do is just be able to write about my feelings openly and about my day and everything. including my calorie in take and exercising... and purging and all that fun stuff that I really can't talk about in my other blurty. Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'll update again soon.
bye for now... I must get some sleep...
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