...kiss mE

[30 Aug 2014|06:33pm]

I guess I come here whenever I want to get something off my chest that doesn't make any sense.

I know I have people in my life who are wonderful to me. For that, I am blessed.

Sometimes I fail to appreciate them. Sometimes I judge them. Sometimes I resent them.

So many people have lives that are so very different than mine. And that's okay. They're just different.

I don't want to be the kind of person who says 'I told you so.'

But there's still such a big part of me that wonders why I struggle to keep you in my life...when you don't belong here anymore.

love and flaws [20 Aug 2014|08:12pm]

when you work in tech, a lot of people have trouble understanding that your work - just like their work - takes time. people use the things you work on every day, and when there's a problem, sometimes it seems like people think you can just press a button to fix it. it's just "when can i use it? can i use it now?" - like you've just decided not to press the fix-all button because you're lazy. there's no awareness that you actually stayed up til midnight working to fix the problem, and there's no thanks when it's fixed - just "finally!"

i don't say this often (enough), but fuck you.

today was a weird/hard day. it's always weird/hard when you're leaving a job you don't want to leave, but it's just not working anymore. and that's what happened here. i probably would've stayed forever. because that's what happens with me; i don't get attached to people, but i get so attached to my work.

and. i'm glad it didn't happen. because this new job is so perfect for me. it is so perfect, and i feel like i'll have a boss who will support me and help me grow. it's a new team, which will be perfect, because that's another struggle - old vs. new.

i left LAYN because, after over two years, the management changed, and everything was different. i loved working there. i loved that office; it was my home. but it just wasn't working anymore.

something i never told anyone was that, after layn fell apart, after i stayed, kerry was so upset with me. he felt betrayed because i went to work for an organization that fired him. but that organization was my home. he didn't understand that i was searching for something there that i was never going to find, because my home was with kerry and the rest of the team that was no longer there. he didn't understand, and so he abandoned me.

at least that's the way it felt.

it was one thing to lose LAYN, but when i felt like kerry abandoned me, i was devasted. i was broken. our relationship would never be the same again, but i still called him in tears, willing to do anything to get this father figure back into my life.

and our relationship never really was the same again. and my relationships with other people were never the same again. and kerry was there when i needed him most, but it still wasn't enough. and i think i stayed mad at him. deep down, i was still mad. but i needed him so much.

my biggest flaw is that i can't accept the flaws of others. i just have no patience for others to be flawed. i become so upset, so frustrated. i expect them to accept my flaws because, for whatever reason, my flaws are not that bad? i don't know. i have these endlessly high standards that no one can ever meet.

and that's what's happening now.

so when he told me he was doing his best, i thought he was just being sensitive. and he was. it's a strange situation, and i'm glad i'm out. i needed to be out, because it means the end of a chapter of my life that needed to end. but i'm so afraid of things ending. i'm so afraid of letting go.

even with this new job, i was terrified. i think part of me is still terrified. that they're going to take it back. that i quit my job, and i don't really have this new job. i felt the same way when max was born.

sometimes when good things happen, things that are too good to be true, i think that they must not be happening after all; they must not be real.

i don't know.

and my standards are silly; i've only ever been able to date a man in love. it starts out with both of us moving so fast - needing each other so much. i'm crazy about him, and i make him feel like he's crazy about me too. and then i'm out, like it never mattered.

i suppose that what bothered me most about pete was that he was just like me. he was playing the same silly game because he needed someone to need him, too. i know it's not healthy; i know it made us both crazy, but there was something about it that made us both stay for so long.

i never look back and think, "god i really loved that guy." but i know that we were both hooked on the challenge. and the comfort.

it makes it hard to date now.

so when vg asked me to hang out, and i bailed, and i later told him that he could come over, and he didn't jump at the opportunity, i was dumbfounded.

"dragged to a happy hour"

what does that even mean? and why does it upset me so much?

it's fine.

it's fine.

but i'm upset.

i know i canceled.
i know it.
but i changed my mind.

and part of me thinks that i did it that way because, just like pb, i play this game that reels them in. i see how much they can take. i see how far i can push them. and then i push and push and push until they're up against the wall, and the game's not fun for me anymore.

so i leave.

i don't know how normal relationships function. i don't know that i could ever be in one.

i hope that i can.

i love my son so much. i love him so much, and i know that i'm a good mom. i know that i'm a great mom. i know that i'm doing a great job, and i know that he's happy.

i don't have my life figured out, but i am great at supporting him and helping him learn and grow and thrive. i don't know what i want, but i know that i want to be needed, and he needs me. i'm just afraid that...i don't know.

there are no really good or rational reasons to bring a child into the world. it's a totally crazy thing you do for love.

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::lil bout mahself

aGe: 20
lOc: jrzae
stAz: in relationship<3
dOb: 08.01.87

Life isnt measured
by how many breaths
you take,

But what takes
your breath away



::Things to do::

-A// spOrts
-crEAtE fUnky lAngUAgEs
----------------::Im very weird::


-Now and Then
-The Butterfly Effect
-8 MILE <3
-My Cousin Vinny
-The Mummy Returns
-Lilo and Stitch
-The Count of Montecristo
-Coyote Ugly
-Harry Potter mvs.
-i luv most movies

-The Dark Is Rising
-House of the Scorpion
-Sea of Trolls
-All HP books
-You Dont KNow Me
-Breathing Underwater

-Christina Aguilera
-Rascal Flatts
-Kelly Clarkson
-Maroon 5
-O Town baby :P