26th June 2008

12:14pm: **hmm
Me and ant made up. I let my nerves get the best of me. I had a panick attack. My whole body tensed up and i couldnt move my hands or legs. It felt like they fell asleep, that tingly feeling, yet i couldnt move them, it was the worst feeling in the world. All we were doing was talking about everything, but he would say i love you and im not breaking up with you, but then he would say, but we have to work together or this wont work, sumthin like that. Just the idea of it not working out and the fact that i believe theres a chance he would break up with me if i messed up again scares the crap out of me. But now im scared to death to do anything wrong. My stomach keeps hurting like ive done something terrible. This was our first real fight in 8 months, and even though we made up i feel like crap. I never meant to hurt him, but yet i feel hurt too. And i know he loves me, but i just feel like its a fine line, like any little thing would make him snap and be like omg leave me alone. And that would kill me inside. Scott says he just needs space, and i get that, but that kinda hurts me too. I feel like i could see him everyday and be fine, but he doesnt feel the same way anymore. My mom told me to never let anyone get me this upset, but im such a stupid idiot. I have to be strong, and i wont fight with him, i just hope i dont stay depressed.

It's weird because i never thought ant would ever break up with me. Thats sorta why i dated him. I knew he wouldn't be the type of guy to just take me for granted and give up on the relationship, but now i dont know. Sometimes all i ever wanted him to do was grab me and kiss me. You know like in the movies when people fight and then they end up kissing. But instead he would just leave or walk away. He would say i wont fight with you. But i was never looking for a fight, i think i was just looking to know he would do anything for me, yano, like i want him to want to fight for me or even beg for me. Bridget Jones's wanted her man to muster the strength to fight for her. They loved eachother in the movie, yet they had problems too. Is it impossible for 2 people to love eachother without ever fighting. I just wish i was strong enough to not care, cuz love fucking hurts lol...
Current Mood: indescribable
5:05pm: thank god for danielle
So i went to danielle's house, and we talked about everything. And i just feel so much better now. Danielle can always calm me down, i think its cuz shes always so calm. I hate that shes feeling so depressed too and i wish i could make her feel better, but theres not much i can do :( besides to just be her friend and listen.

love love love love dani :)

i lied to my mom about eating at her house, i think im just gonna not eat lunch or breakfast anymore, or like anything, i dont care if im hungry, i want to lose weight
Current Mood: surprisingly good
7:51pm: bah
So it just occurred to me while i was in the shower, what happens when i get old and ugly. Ant told me he'd love me either way, but like if he wanted a break from such a stupid fight, wut if he'll want to break up wen im like just disgusting. :(

My poor grandma, i never want to get that old, it scares me, and i never want to be like my mom either, all she does is fight with my dad, my dad puts up with it, but if i ever turned into my mom, ant would totally leave me. What if i do turn into her, who the fuck would want me.

I'm to scared to mess up, wtf is wrong with me. I should have become a nun, they all seem so happy, i wonder if they really are. Im not even sure if i believe in God, i mean i do, its just i duno, i stopped going to church awhile ago because the idea of God is a nice belief but it seems so unreal. I will choose to believe in him though. Me and my mom were watchin Crossing over with john edwards on sunday. I told her if she ever dies, im gonna ask him to speak to her, and all i want is a yes or a no answer, to find out if God truly exists. Maybe ghosts can't talk about heaven, like they are sworn to secrecy. I do believe in ghosts and an afterlife.

It's weird, Ant seems to completely forgotten our fight, he acts like nothing happened. I dunno, i still just feel hurt, sometimes i feel like a piece of my heart is gone. Its stupid, but maybe there are some things you just cant forgive and forget. Most guys move on easily. I read this book that depicts what your feeling and your personality based on your handwriting. It said if you bring a ling under your name going towards the left, that means you live in the past. I never thought of it like that, but maybe i do, maybe i dwell on things to much. Its funny cuz i only ever right in this journal mostly when im upset, or like really really happy. That book also said if you put a curvy line over your t's then your a true romantic...which i am.

I told Ant i didnt really want to go with his friends to dinner on friday. It's just i feel so depressed sometimes, i dont think i can fake nice. I mean, i want to go, i would love to go any other time, but 2 days after our fight i still just feel hopeless.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: What hurts the most , Rascal Flatts
10:03pm: *** um
So me and ant were supose to go bowling, but then hes like john is playing poker, so i was like fine. I was ready at like 9 pm waiting till 10, ant slept thru, if i didnt call him he wouldnt have woken up, so he didnt want to go. I'm not mad, it jus sux cuz i got all dressed up, i even did my hair differently, well so much for that.
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