Christopher's Blurty
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Christopher's Blurty:

    Friday, September 5th, 2003
    3:36 pm
    Diary 1
    So I guess I decided to start a diary. I can't write as fast like this, which I suppose has pros and cons. It's just, as Jaclyn can read all of my online journal, (though I really don't mind that so much), but all of my thoughts about her... I'm just too scared to write. Too afraid to tell her I still like her.

    Thus I start thinking about making a private entry saying so. I could do what I've done before and say it's private and tell her not to read it. (Though realy, it's not to stop her from reading it as much as giving me confidence to write... actually, sometimes, I want her to read it... in the same way I want her to know I like her but am too scared to say.) These page borders make it hard to write. I will have to remember that. Anyways, I'll have to see how I've done it before. Or not. I shouldn't try to base everything on the past.

    It always seemed like I had so much to say, but I fiured it would evaporate once I started writing.

    One thing that I have noticed i so many of my (day)dreams involve Jaclyn liking me. That is so atypical, especially since I'm no closer to that (a relationship) than I've ever better.

    I do think Jaclyn likes me some. She looks at me more I guess, she vaguely refered to the time I "kiss"ed her (i.e. the air) after trying some coffee... lol... she has a present for me? i must see what it is. And she said she would help me learn Mandarin. Yay!!
    But I think I read too much now.

    Since when did I start analyzing so much? I liked it better somewhat when I was less confident... and less scared too. I liked being flirtier. *sigh*

    And at the video party or whatever... she seemed to think most guys thought she was cool but didn't want anything more than friendship. I wanted to say, that's not true.

    *She is pretty*

    But,
    then I remembered what Nacho said a day or so before, when mentioned about Jaclyn flirting with him (*sigh* some jealousy...:( ). But he said they'd never be more than friends. That he was tired of te high school attitude of changing who you like.

    Everyone holds it against her,
    except me.

    IT'S MY PROBLEM
    Nacho, Tsung, I know. Nacho said Jaclyn told him he was one of the few who confronted her.
    I didn't mind so much.
    It made me cry, but alot does anyways.

    NOONE is alloed to hold it against her except me. And I don't.
    You don't know the story. I said she could. I was getting too jealous anyways.
    Like her.
    Love her.

    She deserves it.

    The idea that everyone who used to like her stopped. It makes me so sad.
    It's strange like that.

    I need to reset. To become
    good again.
    INNOCENT, NAIVE (it's charming?)

    And maybe some words about the gay stuff. Yeah... I'm pathetically heterosexual.
    Though:
    I really do think guys kissing is cute. :)
    Sexually, guys are fine.. this is weird.
    H/D slash and QAF are both awesome.
    WEEE...

    I don't really want to be a girl as much as I pretend sometimes. Maybe I want to ry a dress sometime. Makeup intriguies me more, but it still needs to look good on me. So yeah...

    I'm heterosexual though... *sigh*
    Girls just stand out so much more, and are so much more attractive.
    Oh well...
    The rest is just my imagination.

    My arm's getting tired, so I'll stop here.

    Current Mood: anxious
    Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
    10:57 pm
    Renewal in Spring
    So I haven't updated this journal in forever.
    Why now? Well, apparently, Jaclyn knew about this journal all along, as she told me today. I am surprised. I didn't really, um, think she knew. :)... oh well...

    Anyways, prom is over now. I ended up actually getting a date, Sarah. I must say that having a date to a dance makes it much funner. It was a blast. I guess I'll see how things end up.

    I guess I don't have much to really say. The more things that happen, the more urge I have to summarize. Or at least the more time that passes. Besides, prom was the only major event I suppose.

    Now it's just a bunch of AP and IB tests, but it also means school is ending. Thank god.
    Though for some reason it really hasn't hit me. Alot of stuff is just flowing by me and I can't seem to hold on the any sense of caring. But it's not that bad. When I think about it, it's not that bad.

    I have been watching alot of Queer As Folk. Slowly but surely, I am getting entralled in it. I just saw Episode 201, and it makes me sad. It's one of the episodes I've seen where discrimination is most evident, and depressing. Brian caring side too... it's just saddening...

    And I am breaking one of my rules. Sorta. Self, just stop. STOP.

    As Jaclyn just said she read this journal, I went back and read it too, to see what I wrote. Hmm....
    Just a few things that make me shake my head, so I guess it's alright. :)...

    Current Mood: determined
    Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
    12:43 am
    Decay of the Veins
    It's been awhile since I've updated.
    The time consisted mainly of being feeling really bad and upset for about a week, slowly starting to recover, and sinking again. Probably the thing that made me feel the best over this time is when Gail invited me to spend a block of band with her. I enjoyed it, and made her a flower, which she seemed to like. Gail is so cute. I tried to draw her but it beared no resemblance. I'll practice maybe, and hopefully improve. Meanwhile, my relationship with Jaclyn seems to be decaying. She is staying aloof in general, sad for some reason which I do not know, although it might have to do with lasting problems with Steve. Now, I just feel like leaving the social world and regressing to my nice lonely self. All I do is make Jaclyn feel suffocated.

    So I think I want to have a few venting entries some time. Just to say everything in some weird hope that it will make me feel better, even though it won't. Might make an interesting read later I suppose. I'll do it when I have a lot of free time.

    Current Mood: discontent
    Friday, March 7th, 2003
    1:05 am
    Mental Break Down Day
    Yeah, its one of those days.
    I got enough nerve and managed to ask Gail before lunch.
    And no. She said no.
    So, I have no prom date this year, like every other year.
    I reacted ok for a while, relatively speaking. Some of my old feelings towards her had been coming back, but I stopped once I realized that I would get hurt if she said no. It was too late and now I am hurt. And they just keep coming back, more and more feelings towards her as the wound in my heart tears deeper and deeper to the water shimmering over my eye, slowly collecting at the lower lid.
    I went back to Leon's house after lunch, during that off block that now is just a gap of nothing. There was a poem in my pocket for her, which I wrote yesterday and might have given her along with a white origami rose I made. But she said no and I just keep it in my pocket for a few hours. Then I took it out, reading the "To Gail" through the thin printer paper, the words that took a while to write and were unfortunately corny without enough emotion, at least in my opinion. Yet the time, that time I spent thinking of her, I thought of that time, flipping it over and over in my hands. And slowly and unsurely, I ripped it. And again and again and probably again. And then started ripping out "no" and "ou" in the poem whereever I saw them, gathering a little collection of no's in my hand, trash. It's just a way to pass time I guess. But I was starting to realize it would hurt more than I thought it would.
    I couldn't do homework. I still can't, even at 1am. My mind is a chaos and I feel like a child, suffering some hidden injustice from the world and curling up on my bed to try to hide. Hide and protect myself. Kevin IM'ed me, first censuring me for not telling Gail, when I told him I actually did and he was surprised, then then implying he figured she said yes, when I corrected him again. I don't know why, but he seemed to really think she would say yes. In his own words, he "couldn't think of a reason why she wouldn't wanna go with [me]". Interesting, but just giving some sort of false hope for something that can't happen. And horrible confusing.
    Gail apparently also knew about me ask Jaclyn to prom, but apparently (though I am not sure) not that Jaclyn changed her mind. Over AIM, Jaclyn said that now Gail will think she is cruel for this, to which I responded that it wasn't that bad. But I couldn't make my case. It is hard to make when it rips you to shreads.
    During my bath, I kept uttering "I give up". I folded 10 hearts from Starburst wrappers, colorful little things and kindly called the pieces of my heart. I can't do anything.
    Then I read an entry in Jaclyn's journal about Steve. I keep forgeting that she is not over him. It just makes me want to ... something... just explode. There is so much that I want to fix but don't know how.
    So I lowered my head and felt a tear roll so slowly down my nose. That tear is for Gail.

    If you want, here's the poem. Only really meaningful sentimentally, but it...

    --------------------------------------
    For Gail:

    The snow drifted out of the sky like clouds,
    flakes curling gracefully, as if in wait
    for the peace gently hidden in white shrouds,
    like truth and love defying the world’s weight.

    She stood there, swirled in snow with her innate
    beauty piercing the clouds that embraced her,
    her calm face that would always radiate,
    passing jealousy in the flakes’ soft purr.

    Thus she waited, an angel like a lure.
    One might find the world in her soft brown eyes,
    yet not this one, but one that is sweet and pure,
    with beauty, hope and love that never lies.

    Like the powder surrounding her, time flies
    and her shoulder felt his hand timidly
    lie down, quiet amid the wind’s deep sighs
    and snow so thick, neither could hardly see.

    He paused near her and time now ceased to be
    and dripped like hours as snow fell anew.
    He stood confidently, as if carefree,
    though really, he didn’t know what to do.

    Finally, he whispered, “Usa, I love you,”
    with nervousness to match the winter’s calm.
    Yet as he looked at her, he again knew.
    “I… would you like to go with me to prom?”

    Current Mood: crushed
    Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
    8:12 pm
    Trying to Move through the Wind
    I've told alot of people I am going to ask Gail, so I guess I am going to, assuming I get enough nerve. Gail is nice, pretty, and has a neat idealistic side. I like her enough to ask her to prom I guess I decided. But ack. I can't stop liking Jaclyn far more and thinking about Jaclyn and everything. I mean, I know there is no hope for any advance relationship anymore, but still, I can't stop liking her so much or even hardly think about Gail. Then I guess I feel bad for Gail, cause I want to be able to give more of my feelings. I used to like two girls at once, but now I am having an incredible amount of trouble just trying to get back to that state.
    Last semester, this used to be the goal I thought about constantly. I guess I assume I'll back to that way, maybe after a little more time to get over Jaclyn. It's just hard.
    It's hard to stop smiling when I see you everyday
    and it's hard to leave when I just want to stay.

    Current Mood: confused
    Thursday, February 27th, 2003
    11:49 am
    Daytime
    I guess Jaclyn said she wasn't going to look for this, so I can still write here with some secrecy. I don't what I want to say though that would require much secrecy.
    Yesterday I was with Jaclyn for the 30-minute off block due to a late start because of ice. We didn't mention the subject of what happened Monday and were just like normal I suppose, at least for the most part. It was somewhat enjoyable. Once she laid down on a couch on the stage and just like rested there for a few minutes. She looked very peaceful and pretty and I put my head down on the arm of it near her head, resting there even after she left.
    Most of the time I am just somewhat empty feeling, although if I starting thinking about what happened a little, I tear up. That happened last night, but it went away moderately quickly and I feel fine now. I asked Jaclyn some of the things I mentioned. She decided she wanted to with Jonathan a few days ago I guess and has yet to ask. I think I will encourage her to ask this Sunday so I know everything is definite. Maybe I'll ask Gail to prom.

    Current Mood: listless
    Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
    11:36 pm
    It is night.
    I guess this is the last entry before Jaclyn find this.
    I don't know if I really have much else to say in a guise of secrecy. I just told Tsung what happened. He's the only person I have to tell, because he's the only one I told I was going with Jaclyn in the first place. Now I am glad I kept it pretty secret.
    I feel fine now. I don't know why exactly. I just do. Really, I suppose I am just somewhat ignoring what happened, or actually, ignoring the fact I never made the plans in the first place. Actually, now I am worried about forgetting that one day... rats. Oh well, it would have just faded to dust anyway. All my memories do that pretty quickly. Let's see. I've given more thought to my 6 girl prediction. It would be quite humorous if it came true, but I'd feel pretty bad about partially cheating. Oh well....
    Jaclyn shouldn't feel guity if she does. Although I suppose now I wonder exactly where I stand in her mind.
    Maybe everything will be back to normal soon actually. Maybe I have regained some sort of peace.
    If Jaclyn is happy and I still love her and Jonathan cares for her, then I guess there is nothing wrong.
    It is a simple sort of peace, but a nice one to have.

    Current Mood: full
    12:43 pm
    Iced over
    It was strange yesterday. After that talk with Jaclyn, it got unexpected cold and sleeted and now everything is icy. Once, when I was a kid, I used to think I had some small control over the weather. Even today, when it is raining hard, I try to concentrate and magically reduce the rain the is falling on my head, or another person's head. Just a weird little thing I do. And sometimes when I am really conflicted about how I should feel, usually involving conflicts between my emotions and a person I love's happiness, I spasm on my bed or something. I suppose reading this might make Jaclyn more upset. She says she just sat by the windon last night in her journal, freezing to death. I hope she is not reacting worse than I am. I only actually cried that once, and the rest of the times were just watery eyes. I am not sure why though. Somehow I just feel empty and just wanting Jaclyn to be happy as always. Nothing matter at the end as long as I am her friend. I want to call Jaclyn. We'll see. I am still debating what course I should take. When I was thinking last night, I remembered one thing Jaclyn said a long time ago, which actually began the first T/D session.

    TheNextAlexiel: oooohhhhh
    TheNextAlexiel: okay
    TheNextAlexiel: so.....you wouldn't dance with me? [at prom]
    RandomInanity: no...
    RandomInanity: not for slow
    RandomInanity: ...
    TheNextAlexiel: .......
    RandomInanity: sorry.. hehe
    RandomInanity: ........?
    RandomInanity: does that upset you?
    RandomInanity: I suppose you might be able to make me...

    hehe... a dream I guess. I don't think I should ask for it, because its just continuing tensions and everything and Jaclyn wouldn't want it anyways. So many memories. Some reason I remember one time when I tossed a fri on her try at Wendy's I think. It was that one day she poked me in the back I think. But it doesn't matter, oh wait, yeah it does. That's my response to everything about my emotions. They don't matter. I really think they don't matter very much. Anyways, now I am cold and calmish and have mostly given up those wonderful dreams of what prom might have been. lol. As long as I don't think of them. Anyways, the whole point of this is maybe that it would be nice to dance with a girl I liked rather other girls where it was more of a pain to dance with them and awkward and stupid and I just want to ignore it. Yeah, a stupid hand on a hip and back and forth and what? twice with one girl cause I have nothing else to do? so wonderful indeed... at least I can say I've danced with a girl. *sigh* But JJJJJAAAAAAACCCCCLLLLLYYYYNNNNN I want you hhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppppppyyyyyy....

    Anyways, I though I should mention my talk with Tsung, which would have been important except for what happened earlier. He eats alot, like two hamburger. Man... so yeah, he said he wasn't sure he could trust me. I was just smiling and trying not to cry. I defended that I didn't tell Jaclyn his LJ account or that he was giving her a white rose, which of course, I didn't tell Jaclyn. I am not sure how she figured out the white rose thing. He asked me several times whether I would do anything for Jaclyn. I said yes. It was nice to reaffirm my love for Jaclyn immediately after what happened. At one point I mentioned that it's not exactly "for Jaclyn" but "for Jaclyn's happiness", yet I don't think he really got my point. So he said that he wasn't sure he could trust me because I would reveal his secrets to Jaclyn if I thought it would make her happy, and I doubt he believed me when I said a situation like that would never occur. Interestingly for me, he kept mentioning something along the lines of "hope makes you weak", although I am pretty sure it was worded quite differently. That made me laugh, at least inside. Hope? Since when did I have that? I lost it all already, so no, I don't have any hope Tsung. But I still love Jaclyn. I find it so hard to understand some people. Tsung, Leon, I don't know... whoever... they say they like a girl, but it seems to dependent on forming a relationship with that person or like that person only matters as much as you and really there is tons more to life and really, she doesn't matter at all... I keep wondering... do they really like her? Tsung keeps cursing that he is too shy to talk to Jaclyn so he never gets a relationship started and is concerned with all this reciprocity things or something... I used to think Tsung must have really loved Jaclyn considering the length of time, but now I am less sure. I guess... I can't understand what they mean by liking a girl.

    I -kiss-ed Jaclyn goodnight last night on AIM. I suppose it will be the last time I will do that. I will also have to stop dreaming of physical contact with Jaclyn. And I need to see her smile still. Everything is perfect in her smile.

    Current Mood: awake
    Monday, February 24th, 2003
    6:26 pm
    The sleet falls on my wet, icy chest
    So… I don’t know what I am… dead? no… crying? yes… hehe. It’s almost funny. I was feeling almost neutral when I came home, walked up the stairs, plopped down on my bed, and began to cry. It was strange, as if my outer shell was just crying while inside I was just wondering exactly why I was doing that. Of course, that was after I tossed what was in my pockets onto the floor, including a few pennies and an origami heart that said “OPEN ME” on the outside and “Jaclyn: I don’t know what to say… I would like to ask you some things on AIM, just to satisfy my curiousity. Don’t feel bad about anything!! I do love you and will never be mad at you. Just be Happy… LOVE, Christopher” on the inside, which I planned to give to Jaclyn after school but I never saw her. I don’t know if I’ll end up giving it to her or not.

    So… at the beginning of our off block, Jaclyn told me, “You have two days before your week is up.” I was confused at first, but then she explained that was the end of the time period allotted before she would search for my journal. I gave her an extremely ambiguous clue, but she actually said the name along with other possibilities, so I guess I have two days to get out my thoughts. I immediately thought of things I felt like saying, how much I loved her; how pretty her bangs are when the fall from her head just right; how all I dreamt about was holding her hand, or more recently, slipping my head out of hers as I reluctantly had to go to lunch with Tsung; how I think about her all the time, and that is probably where all this missing time I keep mentioning goes; how often I check her journal, although I check IBYOURMOM a lot too; how I stay up late just hoping for a chance to talking to her on AIM; how the day I asked her to prom was really the happiest day in my life; how happy I really am around her, and that she is the only person who ever made me feel like life could be good; how… this is a first, and maybe only.

    Well, now I have something else to talk about… in Jaclyn’s words. I guess I am grateful Jaclyn began with “What if…”, pause, “I do go to prom with someone else.” It gave me a chance to prepare. I thought I reacted well, just saying “ok” and that it is her choice and she should just do what she wants. I didn’t cry at all and tried as hard as I could to maintain my composure by not thinking about what happened. Jaclyn says all the time that she doesn’t know how to react to certain things. Well I certainly don’t know how to react to that. What am I supposed to do? Say “All I thought about and looked forward to for the past few weeks was going to prom with you and that I could hardly believe I was so lucky to go with a person as wonderful as Jaclyn and that life would work out.”? I suppose I have an excuse to be a little cynical and mean, so I’ll use that to say how I feel, but I still love you Jaclyn for some reason and am not mad at you. I suppose my composure started to break down when Jaclyn said that she’d almost rather me to blow up at her. Well, unfortunately, I can’t be mad at Jaclyn and its not in my nature to blow up at people. She said she was used to that, and I am sort of happy that I didn’t and gave her a new experience. I suppose it might be easier on her if I said I hated her or something, but I don’t feel like lying. Besides, this is a journal. So my chin started shaking at times, which is the hardest to control, and I had to close my eyes or bury my head a few times to keep from crying. I hope that’s what she wanted, to see that it did affect me a lot. I suppose I should have kept up the façade though. *sigh*… Yes, it does make me sad. Obviously. But I am almost proud that Jaclyn was able to ask that. I don’t think I could and it is obviously very difficult. I hope she is happier as a result and doesn’t regret it at all. Now I find it funny that I predicted this and got Jaclyn mad at me as a result in the unfortunately event. It is true that I definitely am not right for Jaclyn and I suppose that little fact will enable me to survive through this little time and maybe pretend everything is fine. I still want to ask Jaclyn about when she first wanted to ask this and whether Jonathan already asked her to prom or something. Whatever. Those facts probably don’t matter much, but I guess I am a little curious. *sigh*…

    I guess I was right when I thought I’d never have a girlfriend in high school or hold hands or hug or especially kiss anyone or even have a … successful… date to prom or any dance for that matter. It was so funny that day I asked Jaclyn to prom when that conjecture seemed to be proved wrong, because I really could hardly believe it. I was very proud that I could go to prom with Jaclyn, the girl I love and feel is the best girl in the world. Oh well. I guess I turned out to be right. That is a disappointment. I hope Jaclyn doesn’t try to hug me or anything as a result of this entry. I think I am like Jaclyn in several ways. I do want to sacrifice me happiness for others, although, then again, I never had high enough self-esteem to value myself above anyone anyways. I want Jaclyn happy and really, I think I will feel a lot better if I see her smiling tomorrow. If I don’t, then… I will be sad again. Oh well. I was feeling a little bitter and thought I little about just going and asking Gail to prom just to have a chance to have this stupid experience, but really, that’s just mean to Gail to pretend I still like her like I did. Whatever… life goes on.

    So much for my peace regained.
    I LOVE JACLYN AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS SO SORRY THAT I DIDN’T BLOW UP AT YOU JACLYN BUT I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH FOR THAT AND THIS ENDING IS JUST STUPID LIKE ME.

    Current Mood: crappy
    Thursday, February 20th, 2003
    11:17 pm
    The trees sway
    There's bad, rainy, and annoying weather here. Modest rain is fine for a little while, but its been raining too hard and too long.
    Oh well. The irrational happiness and feelings for Jaclyn somewhat disappeared. I only really wanted to be happy for a day. Now I guess I am back to normal, although I am not sure if that is good or bad. During lunch today, Jaclyn snuck out of the car while I was letting off other people during my off block. I suppose it annoyed me a little because she didn't say what she was doing and I had to go find a parking place. Oh well. And when we were going back to classes, she didn't wave to me like normal. *sigh* I suppose little things sometimes make me feel unwanted, although it usually means nothing, and I am not going to give credit to them anymore. When I do something stupid, I usually think back and remember all the little things Jaclyn does to shows she cares that I don't appreciate enough at the time.
    I talked to Tsung today over AIM finally. He posted something on the forum that I responded to:
    "I suppose I am a little irritated...
    its been what? like a week? and Tsung only talks to me to send weird little "sabotage" things,
    although I suppose they were fun to look at... although I don't think that was the intent... "Turn
    your speakers up." - Tsung...
    http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/seal_sabotage.asp
    whatever... frankly Tsung... that little comment hurt Jaclyn far more than it should have hurt
    you... I said I was sorry and have taken steps to prevent any similar thing from happening in
    the future, but not talking is ridiculous. I'll stop here before I think negatively of you. I suppose
    I am giving up with trying to apologize, and you haven't said what I've done that was so absolutely
    horrible to you... so that's it I guess. Leon, I am just trying to fix it. I would appreciate it if you
    didn't call me a "fucktard". This is the end of this post, because I think I'm just making things worse.
    Everyone else, just ignore this post."
    He responded and said that I shouldn't make assumptions about how he feels and that I have just added another injury to his collection basically. I told him that I was sorry and also asked why he wasn't talking to me, to which he said it made him angry. I don't know if much was helped really, but it is good that I could at least talk to him. It makes me feel like it would be possible to patch things up. I'll see.
    And Leon is annoying me a little too, acting condencending towards this problem and saying that I shouldn't really care at all. That irritates me greatly, when all I can do is care, and not caring is what caused it really. At least, not caring enough about Jaclyn's happiness, which I do value over my own, although Leon also criticises me about that. *sigh* I guess I can just ignore him.

    Current Mood: annoyed
    12:17 am
    Healing on One Side
    I am feeling better about Jaclyn. She seems to be recovering from the tensions a little while ago, which pleases me greatly. She sang with Allison a little today and they let me hear it. Allison is a very artsy girl that Jaclyn looks up to. It really informal and they forget the words and stuff, dream dream dream. But I like hearing her voice. I suppose Allison is a better singer, but I like Jaclyn's voice a little better. Besides, it makes me swoon.
    I am feeling like I am getting more of a crush on Jaclyn now. Or what'd I'd consider a crush, as in, its a little irration obsession and devotion to her. I suppose liking her in taking on many forms, but I don't mind the crushish aspect, because I know its well founded. Jaclyn is a wonderful person. But yeah, I just feel so happy hearing Jaclyn, seeing Jaclyn, talking to Jaclyn, looking at Jaclyn's drawings. *sigh* I cried happy tears for the first time as I was staring at some eyes she drew so that I could learn how. I think I'll keep this crush state for a while, because I am in the mood for some bliss and unconditional happiness. It's such a new feeling, a combination of satisfaction and love and hope and smiling. Every second with her is heaven.

    Tsung is not talking to me. It's been several days, and I feel like basically giving up on him until we'd talk naturally. He is starting to annoy me now, and I suppose I am being insensitive to him, especially considering all his problems. I haven't said any of his major secrets, and Jaclyn's not mad at him anymore. There is really almost not reason for him to keep this up. Jaclyn was hurt far more and she has thankfully forgiven me. *sigh*
    Tsung really needs to snap out of this.

    Current Mood: bliss
    Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
    12:41 am
    Me.
    Who am I?
    I enjoy asking myself that question because I don't know.
    It seems like so many issues are weighing on me right now that I don't know where to begin.
    So, I begin with the past.
    My memory is not very good, and maybe that is why I don't know who I am. All anyone needs to know is that I am Christopher. Although most people call me Chris, Jaclyn calls me Christopher. I like Jaclyn. Alot.
    So since I can't even remember my past, I'll start at the point where the fuzz starts to where away, but only a little. It was last year, about 2/3 of the way through my junior year, and I began to have social interactions. I have been very shy my whole life and never really made friends or enemies. Now I wonder what I was doing with that time. But anyways, I am in IB and a bunch of people made a forum called IBYOURMOM. I started going there and began to have a new identity online. I guess it was always my identity, but noone including me knew that. So I began to gain friends somewhat, although they were still mainly good aquaintances. Time passed and it turned to my senior year. That what when I began to like Jaclyn. About a week into the year, I fell for her. Yet on the forum, it mentioned her boyfriend, who at that time I didn't know. Being my optimistic self, I had trouble accepting that, so I IMed a friend named Tsung. In fact, this was maybe when we became friends. I vaguely asked him who was available, and it was verified that Jaclyn had a boyfriend. His name is Steve. I eventually got to know Steve better through my TOK, English and German classes and he became my friend basically. But Tsung quickly became my best friend I guess, because I began to confide in him. But not about Jaclyn. After I learned Jaclyn had a boyfriend, I became exceptionally depressed and quickly gave up her. I tried to surpress my feelings towards her, and later that week started liking another girl named Gail. Gail is Jaclyn's friend and she often pretends that Jaclyn is her boyfriend. She has a strange obsession with Mamo-chan that I do not understand, but what mainly attracted me to her was her idealism. So I started liking Gail, and eventually alot. And so I began to talk about Gail with Tsung on AIM, and so I became Tsung's friend. At some point, Jaclyn wanted to know who I liked, which I believe I hinted about on the forum. I was a little uneasy about telling her, but at Tsung's encouragement, I did so. And I suppose that was the beginning of my friendship with Jaclyn, by which I mean, a close friendship. We began having many little Truth/Dare session on AIM, which are really just Truth/Truth. And thus, we learned alot about each other, and I am very happy she trusted me with her secrets. I told my secret to a few other people, including Steve. Gail had a... pseudoboyfriend of some sort. They weren't actually a couple, although they would flirt and do many things together. Strangely enough, I told the guy, Kevin, that I had also like Gail. Actually, he more like inquisitioned me, but that is fine. I am still not sure exactly why they aren't a couple, but I suppose Gail is holding out for something. I am not sure what. So anyways, eventually, in our T/D sessions, Jaclyn asked me about how I felt towards her. I admitted liking her. She said she expected that. I suppose I was, and am, entirely all to obvious about who I like, although I try to keep it somewhat of a secret. And I asked in return who she liked. She said, Steve, Jonathan, Nathan, Leon, me. I hope I didn't leave anyone off. Jonathan is Jaclyn's Chinese yoyo teacher who I unfortunately do not know entirely too well. Leon is a closer friend of both me and Tsung who Jaclyn likes because he is fun. Nathan I also do not know very well, as he is a junior and has been friends with Jaclyn since she was very young. I suppose this is as good a time as any to say the rest of the people who like Jaclyn. Tsung likes Jaclyn, and in fact asked her to prom last year, but she went with someone else. He asked Jennifer to Homecoming this year and was accepted, but I guess he never found that Jennifer could compare with Jaclyn. Matt is a year older and goes to ACC. I have gotten to know him a little better recently, but mainly as someone who know Anime very well. At this time, I can't think of anyone else, but I am sure there must be a few more people on this list. But anyways, I became a close friend with Jaclyn over last semester. Also, my shyness was never overcome, and I eventually gave up on ever telling Gail I liked her. I continued to keep me liking Jaclyn secret between her and me.

    Around finals, Jaclyn and Steve broke up. I don't know the details really, because it would be insensitive of me to ask for them. Steve was conflicted about taking some college course, which would have meant that he would have almost no time with Jaclyn during school. For some reason, he started going silent with Jaclyn and wouldn't say what was bothering him. Jaclyn was very irritated by this, and after about a week of this, they broke up. School was about over though. My feelings for Jaclyn was began to regrow towards the end of that semester, and I didn't really know what I should do. So I didn't really do anything. During Christmas break, I spent almost all the time with family. I never got to see Jaclyn as we planned and I missed her a lot. We both have journals elsewhere on blurty. This is my second journal, which I am creating due to a little tragedy that has just happened. Maybe that is a little dramatic, but it hurt a lot. Maybe that isn't. But anyways, once I read her journal and it mentioned some particularly romantic thing that she had done with Jonathan, I guess my heart broke. It hurt, but there was no reason for me to feel so depressed. So I immediately tried to get Jaclyn to reaffirm her feelings for me. This incident isn't really that important by itself, except for what it foreshadowed.
    But soon it was next semester and I was happy again to be around Jaclyn. We both have a 3rd off block, which few other people have and we always spend it together, which pleases me greatly. We also have the same lunch together the other day, so lunch is always a good time for me. Being around Jaclyn never fails to make me happy. Soon, Leon somehow got a 3rd off block as well, so he accompanies us now. Sometimes though, we still get a moment alone which is always nice. In my journal, I hinted about a question I wanted to ask Jaclyn. She soon inquired about what this question might be, and following a few questions like, "Does it involve something you would dress formally for?", knew it was about prom. Of course, I am perpetually shy, and still couldn't ask her. That was on a Monday. Later that week, she mentioned that any person asked her what she'd do if I asked her to prom. I suppose that is proof I am entirely not subtle about who I like. So eventually, Friday morning, January 31, Chinese New Year's eve, when she was wearing a entirely stunning Chinese outfit, after about two other chances when we were alone, and right before the bell rang, I stuttered, "Would you like to go to prom with me?".
    "Sure."
    I blushed madly and was basically speechless.
    "Oh great. Now you'll be smiling all day. We should have waited until later."
    "Like when?" I replied confused and completely red.
    That was a good day. I would say the best day of my life so far.
    But, then I started getting unsure. I really wanted to be able to say she was my girlfriend, but I didn't really know where I stood. Following post in Jaclyn's journal again about Jonathan, I shattered again. So I cut a broken heart on my wrist. I had cut 719121921 on my wrist before, which is my serial number stands for Gail's name. Later, I cut one symbol from Jaclyn's name on my shoulder. They don't last very long. But it was especially stupid of me to do it. This was a week ago. February 10 was the next day and my birthday. I tried to forget about it and be happy. I suppose I was mostly successful. It was good and I received alot of money. I had fun planning for Valentine's Day. I gave Jaclyn chocolate and various origami things I made for her. Tsung gave her a nice white rose.
    But then I made my mistake. I read about Jaclyn's night with Jonathan for a Chinese yoyo performance and got jealous. In wrote in my journal various things basically demanding Jaclyn's to say how she felt about everyone. I was convinced the she liked Jonathan more than me. On Monday that week, I mentioned something to Tsung about that if she liked Jonathan more, she should go with him. Tsung said that if she changed prom plans, she was a bitch, which was not intended as a remark demeaning towards her. I mentioned that remark in my journal as well. She was expectedly very angry at me and Tsung. I did my best to apologize as Tsung did later. Steve continued to act cold towards her and this was one of the other problems that basically set her off. I think tensions have calmed a little now, and I hope that tomorrow I will be able to somewhat fix the harm I did to Jaclyn. But, I think Tsung is ending our friendship. I suppose he is right that it was idiotically to mention that in my journal, but he is not even talking to me. I suppose now I will have to confront him in person.
    So that is where I am now. This was possible my worst weekend ever. This is not my normal tone. I hope things can return to normal. If nothing else, I suppose I can say I have learned a few things from this weekend. I need to be more cautious about the thing I say, so I created a second journal so I wouldn't be tempted to say anything that could hurt people. I need to not be selfish and jealous like I was being. Jaclyn's happiness is most important, and friendship with Jaclyn should be enough. I will not cut myself again.
    I hope things can be fixed.
    I hope that the world turns out alright.
    I hope good hearts can survive.
    That is me.

    Current Mood: anxious
About Blurty.com