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not exactly a pure girl

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[20 Oct 2003|05:31am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | fatetrane ]

I just finished my paper. It's about 4 AM. I should get in trouble for Plagiarism. It'd be nice if I didn't though. I deserve this. I really do. I'm an idiot and if I can't handle this what am I going to do in the future. And I know I'm going to have another night just like this one becuase I have a speech due on Wednesday and I'm still trying to think of a topic. The fact is I don't want to do this crap and I don't knwo what I do want to do.

My life is a fucking mess and that's all I can say. I look around and the fact is that everyone just ignores their problems. Well thats NICE and good and all but if I can see that it's not possible to ignore them forever that eventually they are going to catch up to us, then I'm sure everyone else can see that too. Oh god how lucky we have been up to this point, but that can't last. IT CAN'T.

Everything is just so wrong. It couldn't be more wrong. And I never talk about certain things. I pretend they don't fucking exist. I AM SICK OF IGNORING THINGS. Oh god. I was always called a fucking shit stirrer. I didn't want to ignore all that was wrong, so I brought it up, thus starting problems. That supposedly were not necessary. Goddamnit sometimes someone needs to fucking say something.

LIke when someone has a fucking drug problem. And they are always getting in trouble. And it gets to the point where it's a real problem. And it's dangerous. But it's ignored. What will make them stop ignoring? Jail? Death? WHAT? That's just touching the surface. It could all go so much deeper. But it can't stay like this forever.

And you can't just keep going on in and endless circle that goes no where. The circle is going to break and then what. I'm just ignoring so many problems. Like my future or lack of one. Or my love life that's really non existant. Or the fucking CHance of having a healthy relationship. And what is love anyway? I can't keep going on like this. Something has to happen. Sometimes being in love is just not enough. I always fall for the wrong person. I need love and I need affection so badly. I crave it and there is no source that will satisfy me completely. I would hate to think I just need sex. I would hate to think that the only thing that holds us together anymore is sex. But it is. Maybe that's all it ever was. Not for me. no. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb'
Bacardi typed that! He did! Crazy cat. He loves me. I was so mean to him today. He didn't deserve it. IT's not likehe knows that he is messing up everythign! he makes so many messes..
I know it's so much more. and anytime i start to like anyone else i get so very scared. i just dont want to lose him completely but i have to let him go. but i get scared and i just want to have it all. its so wrong. so very wrong. to me that would signify the end. he would have to be the one to end this. i just can't seem to do it. no matter what has happened. i am just able to forgive anything. i dont even know why. and when i dream, it's always him. at one point, i thought, time will make the difference. maybe time to grow up. it's not happening. and even if it did it just could never be right...god. i dont get this. i'm insane obviously. this whole post is a waste of space.

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[16 Sep 2003|05:01am]
I'm so confused. I'm almost sure he did it again. This should be the last time,but I'msure that it won't. I said that it would but when it comes to this my words mean nothing. I'm so hopeless. I want to move out and live with friends I think that would make life more interesting. I'm not worried about being successful. Though I was always more concerned with school and responsibilites than relationships. Maybe that's why I'm so alone. I'd rather blame myself than anyone else.
And yeah, I was saying to myself I'm going to move on and date this other guy because well maybe that's what I need to do. I'm not ready to just close this book turn the page end this. I don't know. It sucks. I wish I had more girl friends to hang out with. I'm just sick of guys. I'm also sick of pretending to be friends with people I rarely speak to. They just annoy me and god knows none of them realy give a fuck about me well maybe I shouldnt care because I dont care about them either.
He mattered somuch but it realy doesn't matter. Whatever I put my efforts into. That is what always falls apart.
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[05 Sep 2003|10:54pm]
i hate my body. it's disgusting. i wish i could fix things. it's impossible. i hate god.
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[04 Sep 2003|03:37am]
I'm so sad right now. I hope it's just... I dunno anything besides me actually still caring enough to cry over this. I thought I'd gotten past that...but no.
And I should be happy because I'm doing well in school. Better than I thought. I could have a job if I wanted one right now. Though it's nothing great, it's there, but I'm not even excited. I made a 99 on my speech I feel somewhat glad about that, or relieved whatever you want to call it.
I don't see that my life is going anywhere. I almost want to end it. I think about that every day. That just isn't right.
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[01 Sep 2003|03:16am]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | armor for sleep - pointless forever ]

I just wish you would hold me again. You haven't held me in so long. I think I'm dying. I know that I'm being overly dramatic, and I don't care. I just want to be with you.
Mary will be gone in a little over a week. 10 days at the most. The time will pass quickly with school and everything else.
The truth is though, I wonder, can it ever be the same?
I just want to try again. I could never give up. I told you that.
Now you believe me, right?

I'll make my own world somehow
Where I control who stays

...

I'm crazy.
It's freezing. I'm all ready to go to sleep, but I want to talk to you first... even if you just say hi and that you love me, but you won't and I won't sleep.

So you say you've found another, who will surely speed you on your way. But don't let the forest grow over that path you came there by, but you will.

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and i'm aching and waiting for the touch to cure the fear. [31 Aug 2003|12:20am]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | conor oberst. bright eyes. ]

No matter what I do, it's going to piss someone off.

And besides...

I only want to be with him. Since we're not together I just feel like there's nothing left. Last night I thought about everything, and I got really angry. I just cried and cried.

I spent some time with a guy friend and he got jealous. I think that's fucked up when you consider that he's been with her all summer. I've been alone. It's always been this way. Always. I miss him...

It's very cold in here.

I hate being me. I'm so flawed. I just want to be beautiful for him.

The other day at the mall this black guy asked my friend how much I cost. It's great to know that I'm not a person but a thing.

I'm tired of being treated that way. But it never stops.

I got a Cartilage piercing today at the mall. I like it. I don't care if my friend likes it or not. I'm sick of trying to please people. I want another piercing and a tattoo anyway. I like them so who gives a shit?

I think I failed my first quiz in school and I'm pretty sure I did badly on my speech. The downward spiral. Fuck it.

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you start turning as resistance pulls you from my cold and boring life [30 Aug 2003|02:38am]
[ mood | jealous ]
[ music | patient hope in new snow. ]

god fucking damn it

i hate this

happiness comes but it just fades away with out you
it'll never ever be
never
ever

ok so tonight i went to a friend's house and we watched movies. layed around and watched movies. it was really nice. i mean i think he kinda likes me.

i might actually be able to like him but I just can't

because of him
and he got jealous
which is fucking ridiculous

but now they're together playing with their puppy in their fucking house
so fuck them

none of this makes any sense

it's so hopeless

and I'm sure he is jealous too
i'm just bored with it all

and i'm not welcome there
not at all
can't even be a part of your life or spend time with anyone else
without you making me feel guilty

damn

i'm crying again.

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random thoughts. [28 Aug 2003|03:02am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | silence. ]

I'm freezing. I can't sleep, and I just feel like updating again. It's 3:03 AM. I'm sitting here pathetically waiting and wishing that he would talk to me. I make myself sick sometimes... I know that if I talked to him right now he would just ignore me.
Today I got excited because I realized that she was leaving soon. She'll be gone in about a week, I believe. I guess I'm counting on the fact that once she is gone things will go back to the way they were before. Which is insane, because I know way too much has happened for things to ever go back to the way they were before. Yet, I can't let go of the slim chance that maybe I can get that back. Pathetic. Completely insane. I'm proud of myself for not hating her. I think I did hate her until I realized she was going to be gone in a matter of time. The way my mind works sometimes really scares me. It's like I'm willing to wait forever for something that is already gone and yet I have this great opportunity in front of me but I'm not willing to grasp it because I'm still stuck on the past. I realize these things but realizing them isn't enough. He's already started calling me 'Baby' again and telling me he loves me everytime we talk. But it's like I'm just going backwards. I thought time would help with this, maybe I just need *more* time. I can keep telling myself that. One month wasn't enough, six months wasn't enough, a year wasn't enough - but at the same time it's never been quite this way before. I've never been this alone before. I just find it impossible to feel this way about anyone else. Although there is a guy in my life that I really like right now. He cares about me a lot and I can really tell. It's just so hard to let go of old feelings, and there are more complications.
That's where I got this name "not exactly a pure girl." That's what he said about me. This new guy. He's good and perfect and I'm not. I'm...just...not. All my friends are so much better than I am. Maybe not better, but at least purer? Maybe? I'm not sure. It's because I've had sex and I don't see anything wrong with it. I'll come out and say that I love it. I just love physical affection. When I say that I don't mean sex really. I mean anytype as long as it's with the right person. Holding hands, hugging, laying together, holding each other, him touching my face, his hand running through my hair. Having that for so long and then being alone all the time is as hard for me as not having anyone to talk to. I don't really know for sure because I've always had someone to talk to. I talk to my sister about anything. I have close friends I can tell things to. Anyway, I'll talk more about him later. We're just really different. It's like these two guys are two extremes. I'm not like either of them. They are like black and white and I'm grey - stuck in the middle - not really fitting in anywhere. Not able to take sides. Now that I think about it it's like that with my friends too. I really should go to bed. I've run out of things to say right now, but I feel better. Amazing how much writing in an online journal can comfort me.

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I'm scared that I actually wrote this... [28 Aug 2003|02:09am]
[ mood | shocked ]
[ music | The Early November - Come Back ]

I hate to say it but I bet *Tristan thinks the second she is gone, I'll be right there and wrapped around his finger. I've seen him like 5 times since they've been together anyway. And I don't mean at work. It's not like he loves me or anything. Pretending to care just went right out of style. It's just take and take on both our parts. I think I stopped worrying about having a "real" relationship a long time ago. I enjoy having his penis inside me and that's about the extent of it.

I sound very horrible, but I feel that way. Who cares? Pfft.

It's great though. I really am in love with him. I care about him. He makes me happier than anyone else. I don't even know why.

He's with her now. I understand, I guess. Does it stop me? No. Should it? Yes.

I'm sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend. That's... I... well, I don't have an excuse. He's still my baby in my fucked up mind. He doesn't seem to be able to stand her either. Why is he with her? I don't know. I don't understand but it hurts. And I feel bad, but I just can't bring myself to forget and move on. Even though, I know that I should.

I've just been miserable lately. I hate the fact that life doesn't seem worth living when you love someone who doesn't love you back. That's about the extent of it though.

More later.

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New Journal. :) [28 Aug 2003|02:00am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Bright Eyes - Kathy With a K's Song. ]

Finally a journal that they can't read. Thank God for that. I'm sick of being judged by my friends and not being able to say what I want without them overreacting. I do, however, have a lot on my mind and the need to express it in some way to SOMEONE. So that's what this journal is for... Wonderful... I'm paranoid. I just want to keep them away.

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