mmm... braking benjamin... he has soft lips... HAHAHAHA
ok so anyway... yesterday i went to my cousins party and yea it was boring but i lived through it... yes i did.. and we did the whole cake and pizza thing as usual... and then we went home and got home around 7 and then i had exactly an hour and a half until neil cameto pick me up to go to the octane, breaking benjamin , and fuel concert..
so i worked on my bio project until then and marc was talking about going but i didnt really think he would.. so then he called neil and we had to go pick him up and then we started driving whatever i paid for toll... HA 3 dollars..
so marc had to get a ticket and he got one and we had to walk aall the way around the building just to get the end of the line it was insane..
we woman felt my boobies..
octane was good.. the second guitarist was hot..
then breaking benjamin the lead singer was hot and i bet by the end of the night that i would talk to him... and well when fuel went on.. ha i went potty with marc and he was right there
his tour manager came up to me and said did you like breaking benjamin and i said that they were fucking amazing... so i went over and i was all girlish and i was like you guys fucking rocked... and the guy who took me over was like kissher... and i was like whatever... and he lend in and smackl... I WAS LIKE AH... and marc came out and he was like what the hell is going on and we walked away quick... and then he realized it was the lead singer of breaking benjamin and he was like GO BACK AND FUCK HIM... but i didnt
we told neil and he was like what the fuck..
fuel came on for a second time and i was tired as hell...
we went home and that was it...
i didnt wake up until 12... muhahaha....
i watched eva and now im here... with nothing to do..
ok well i woke up at 8 and we wwere off and ready to go to the doctors and get nans infusion done.. whatever..
so me and britt were bored... and they were watching air force one... so me and her listen to music played tic tac toe and then we went to the cafe.. yea... and then we come back watch the end of the movie and then that was it... it was done..
so we went to the marlton diner... I GOT A BANANA SPLIT! yum... and then we came home..
i watched anothet tape of eva and then i went for a walk... and now i am back... IM SO TIRED... BUT IM NOT..
its like 352... how gay is this i have nothing to do but fee comes home at 4 so me and katrina are going to go somewhere... YAY..
yea... neil didnt show up last night until after i left what a schmuck!
i went to 711 with fee and katrina and they were fighting as usual... but i didnt care i needed to get out of the house... el pronto..
marc came online before i left and were going to hang out tomorrow... and maybe go to lunch or something... im just confused right now...
so to 711 we went wow... and fee like ordered me to take her to the mall on friday to get her prom dress i was like whatever....
all what i could think about was is this decision with marc the right one.. am i doing the right thing...
i want love in my life... i want to feel important to someone... i want to feel like im exclusive... i want to feel like im the only one... like ITS HER THAT IM WITH.. i dont know i need to feel special... everyone does... i want to have my match.. my other half... and i just want that like now...
i want someone to hold me and honestly tell me that they love me and they will never let me go... and never let anything hurt you..
i want him here now... to hold me... for no reason what so ever...
i want him here to care about me..
i want him here to lay with me until i go to sleep and then him here when i wake up in the morning...
yes me and marc are talking again... and i miss him... i miss him alot.. i love him alot... like he said were retarded for each other.. and i dont doubt it..
10 months we went out and 6 months of seperation he is finally back... and he finally remembers me.. me the one who was there when work was bad, when he would remember his mom, and just to be there.. and i dont know its like.. in 6 months its like i wonder what made him change his mind about me.. what happened that made him remember me...
it kind of hurts... sometimes when i think about it.... i just dont know if ill be able to trust him... because he hurt me so much... but he loved me so much... and theres just so much he missed.. and so many things that i wanted him to be apart of... and its like... gah..
he says he loves me... he says he missed me... but is this just an easy ride... because he knows that im going to miss him?
i really hope not... i just miss the feeling of someone being close to me and always being there for me... someone in my life i could count on to be there... my family isnt the people to count on for much.. its like my mom thinks im an embarassment... and my dad is like not physically able to do everything and really i think if i were to die right now my sister wouldnt move... she would say she had her own shit to worry about..
i dont know i miss him more than anything... i miss how similar we were but also how apart we were at the sametime... gah... these tears arent of happiness or sadness anymore they are of confusion... i tried to talk to eric about it last night i just needed someone to listen to just hear what i had to say... but his mom wouldnt leave and eric showed up and im just so FUCKING LOST...
i just want everything the way it was... i just want happiness and i dont know... i just dont fucking know...
my mind is spinning in circles and like i want to be with him... i want him right here right now... i want to be able to talk to him and hold him and kiss him like before but i cant... i cant stop remembering what he did to me.. i cant forget the tears i spent on him... i just want it all to go away..
I WANT MARC... I WANT MY MARC... I WANT MY CRAM... I WANT HIM BACK... I WANT HIM TO TELL ME THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL, THAT IM KIND, THAT IM COOL, THAT IM CARING, I WANT TO HEAR THIS... I WANT TO HEAR ALL OF THIS... I WANT TO KNOW... I JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT THIS IS FOR REAL AND NOT JUST FOR HIS PENIS... I NEED TO KNOW THAT HE REALLY LOVES ME... THAT I MEAN AND I MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM...
I WISH I COULD TALK TO SOMEONE... I WISH I COULD TALK TO HIM...
there are so many words sung to me about marc... i miss him, and i hate him... i love him, and i cant stand him...
i just want some reassurance... I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKIGN WALK AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!!
ok well last night i went skating... sort of...
so eric came to pick me and britt up and we went to scooters and right away he was like lets go out on the rink... im like hmmmm no...
so then felicia and katrina and tj and stacie all showed up and the group was complete until about 830.. well yea... they all skated and i was like nah..
o aunt kathy ash and matt showed up and they were skating and then they left at 9..
so yea i was mad at people because eh i invite them and then they just go... LEAVE... WAHTEVER
so then me and eric and britt skated with me and it was fun..
then 10 oclock came around quick and then it turned out i stayed at erics until 11..
we talked about marc... and how stupid i feel... and yea... and now hes all about us going out because we were so happy when we were together... so yea..
i got alot of hugs... from eric... it made me feel special... ha... and then we looked through his yearbook and he looked at my class ring... COMPLIMENTS... yea... eric y. showed up and he fantizes about me... J/K lol... so yea... me and eric talked and hes a great friend... and really comfy... HA
so i went home and watched the first two episodes of EVA... really good... i went to bad at like 12..
today i get up and we have to go to aunt kathys whatever... i brought my book... and my cd marc made me and we were off..
we left at 1130... and didnt get back until 230... GAH... really annoying..
so i watched the rest of the first tape of EVA and the second and the third... im hoping to finish them all before sat. hoping...
so yea... havent talked to eric in like 18 hours and marc more than that...
im kind of confused... but right now im going by my heart and it says that i still love marc... and i hope its right...
so today... i wake up and well ash and matt are here... hmmm... so yea its like 1030... i get breakfast and then ash tells me she has a project... wonderful... so im suppose to meet marc at 2 for then we can talk about becoming friends and loving each other publically again..
so i worked on the project for 8 hours... from 1130 to like 7... i guess thats 8 hours... so it was a ferris wheel and you had to make it completely by yourslf... GAH
so we went to rag shop and ac moore... and we got our shit... and yea....
we got home 130... painted the wheels and everything made the seats and allt his shit... so we had a break... ok cool..
so me felicia and katrina went to superfresh and marc came up and we talked and then we went to BK and then he bought me a hershey sundea pie... mmmmm yummy..
so then he went home and then i finsihed the project and i had dinner and then i went over to marcs..
we talked mostly... about how we missed each other... and how much we thought about each other and gah i just love that kid and i dont think i really ever stop loving him...
so yea we are suppose to be just friends but we kissed... and we held each other... and it was perfect like nothing had changed...
and then he drove me home and now im here... talking to him... loving him all over again... thinking about how different my life will be...
tears of joy...
tears of the past
tears of the future..
tears for him
tears for me
tears for remembering.... what we had...
I LOVE YOU STILL...
so today ... easter... the day when a rabbit comes to your house and instead of robbing you blind he leaves candy? alright.. what a fucked up society we live in..
so yea.. went to church and i saw paul smith he looked all snazzy with his suit and everything... hahaha... and yea i saw some other people... but whatever... and then i went home knowing my mom wasnt coming for us i thought hey time for ourselves before ash and matt get there... oh no they are already at the house before we get home..
so we get home and do the whole lunch thing and britt is watching real world so i go in the living room to watch with her..
well it was the episod with frankie and he cutting bit... its just a little too close to home... and it felt weird because britt would look over every now and then... and im just like please stop...
so to make me feel worse we watched a movie about dying and how you can stay... and how you can keep all the feelings and all the memories and its ok to let go.. the movie is called ghost... demi moore and patrick swayze... and yea... its sad... and gah.... my sister is a whore..
so anyway... i have to go eat dinner...
10 bands/singers you've been listening to lately
03. Matchbox 20
05. blink 182
09. Dashboard Confessional
9 things you look foward to
01. a new life
04. when im 18
05. a new love
06. an old love
07. no more disappoinments or embarassments on my part
08. zero bars
09. waking up from this nightmare
8 movies you could watch over and over
02. Detroit Rock City
03. fight club
05. teen suicides
06. murder by numbers
08. million dollar hotel
7 things that annoy you
01. boys... a----d
03. my cousins
04. bitches and hoes... you cant tell then apart
05. rap music
06. bass thumping
07. people who repeat the samethings over and over again like i didnt hear them the first 100000000 times..
6 things you touch every day
01. door handle
02. a cup
03. my cds
04. my oc shrine... LOL
05. my ducks
06. finally my body... mmmm j/k
5 things you do every day
03. feel guilty
04. talk to eric...(id be lost without it)
05. listen to thy tunes
4 things you need to do
01. let it go
03. re-invent myself
04. hmmm shave... lamb sheers!!!
3 of your favorite songs at the moment
01. "Enigma" Trapt
02. "The Reason" Hoobastank
03. "Bohemian Rhapsody" Queen
2 people you haven't seen in a long time
01. Jamie Sobin
1 person you want to spend the rest of your life with
01. someone who wont spend it with me
so today i get up at 10 to do my day before easter thing... we went shopping.. you know beer beeer bread lunchmeat beer and well beer..
then we went to the cemetary... there was two funerals there and gah it just made me sad then i got my cold pills... and then i went home had lunch went out again...and now im cold and kind of bored... blah... but no matter what im going somewhere tonight... ill prolly go get a vanilla frap at starbucks and then go to barnes and nobles... because thats my new thing... reading.. you should try it...
punkchick365 (10:39:09 PM): its just frustrating... i hate being degraded especially by someone who cared for me at one point in time... its just hurts... and you just cant help but cry about it... and you just help but think about it... and you just cant help but waste the nights wondering what did you do to deserve all those nasty words... and then you realize what can you do to make it stop... and you know what you have to do... but your too scared to do it because you dont want to let anybody down... your such a coward that you would rather stay in your room and never see the light of day again... i want to crawl in that black hole of mine and just shut everyone out.. im so hurt... and so torn apart that one more thing could be the last thing i ever listen to and take... i just cant do it..
tobgo18 (10:39:45 PM): wow...
alright well today didnt go as well as i planned at all...
the bus was late so that kind of got me mad... and then for the morning show i was trying to get scripts done and get down to south to sign myself and eric in... and its like blah... so i get back i here kevin coyle yelling for people to get on things so i ran out and went to like hide for then i didnt have to do teleprompter so i get in after the pledge and theyre like fran do prompter... and me being the nice one said yes... and tierney got in and she did it because i really wasnt in the mood at all... im not in the mood for the club right at this moment its always fran do the shitty jobs... for then we get all the good ones because were in the class and were your senior... im like this is my ASS... so KISS IT... im like if this is all im going to be doing is teleprompter then fuck it..
so first period we were in the theatre and i listened to music and read... and i was going to help set up lights but im a girl... and im not allowed in the pit... whatever suck my cunt...
history i was so mad at all the guys from first period... and then i was mad at all the guys from 2 period too because i had to do 6push ups because of them... gah... and we had a quiz... GAH
then i go to the library and its like blah... so i looked up my shit and then the bell rang and we went to gym and i was dressed and outside and playing a blindfold game... and i dont like it... ZERO TRUST.. and then we kept this ball up in the air or some shit... all what i knew was that i wasnt feeling good..
english we took a vocab test and then we watched a movie good time to sleep.. and yea... spanish we did a seek and find... those are fun... not.... and then geometry we had a quiz and i didnt do well... and then we did nothing..
lunch finally some humor... cacc told me kevin coyle told cacc that i was mad at the club because i always do the samething and im never allowed to do anything else... and its like come on... im trained on everything... and gah... even the people who are my "seniors" dont know what they are doing sometimes... so its like GAH... so then we started to discuss the president candidates.. and i dont know i think all the candidates suck (no offense herman) but i dont think any of them can really do it...
so i was late for 13th but i saw arnold so it made it all worth it...
13th i just did my contact sheet... and i finished that and i only need to pick 2 pictures out of 24 to print... which ill get around too.. lol..
so after school... i typed up erics scripts and then i basically went home...
now that im home my stomach hurts and gah... my lips hurt too... lol... thanks herman... hahaha
so thats it.... my boring story... my boring life... my boring vacation has started...
im really like on the edge right now i mean even my bus being late in the morning makes me mad... and its like come on.. i have no morning to myself anymore after taking on the announcement deal... and its like gah... and chorus is just hard all in itself... and history having eric behinde me just wants me to be smarter than him but it wont happen... bio i have a project and i just cant take it... and gym i cant do these trust things..
i dont have trust for anyone.. no one... i trustd one person and then everything that was mine that i shared with him was around the school under 30 seconds... and it just hurts to know that you just cant trust..
english im just fuck...
spanish i dont know its just hard... and geo is the same...
photo is like the only class i enjoy... IM SO FUCKING STRESSED..
family life is no better my health is no better nothing is good.. nothing
i dont have anyone to run to and i have no one to just protect me from the world until i am better or until i am strong enough to do it myself..
and its like im in so much pain that pain plus adding additional pain makes me forget and gah im so willing to just cut and just get it over with... to just feel some release...
ok so these past couple of days... were amazing..
monday i went to erics house for passover... and it was cool... very good experience i wont ever forget it... EVER... everyone went and explained everything and i asked questions and then when the sedar started it was nerve racking because i didnt know i had to read... so yea... eric was very poliet... VERY.. he helped me with the reading... and he told me what everything was like... COUGLE IS AMAZING... anyway... after the sedar me and eric hung around in his playroom... and we talked and laughed and just like it was fun... and then we had dessert and that was even good.. and then me and eric hung out a little more and then it was like 10 and mr. herman took me home... and the moon was so big that night and it was so cold... but it was still wonderful..
tuesday... me felicia britt katrina and stacie went skating and then we invited arnold along... it was more like everyone and even the 8 year olds could skate better than me.. so arnold got there and he couldnt skate or anything so i helped him out and we hung around because we were the losers... lol... so yea and then felicia asked me if i liked arnold... and i was like eh... kinda ... sort of... YEA... lol... hes amazing... he makes me smile... but yea.. he likes people like elise and tierney so i have ZERO chance.... and i kind of knew that i have zero chance with everyone... it makes me sad..
today... i went to school... i had to do prompter this morning and it sucks and shit... and then all my classes were fine... and i dont know like photo was cool and then gym was alright... and i dont think im going to get too much homework over break... i hope... gah
right now eric went to stage crew... *tear* so yea... other than that i told tierney that i likearnold and how i never will have a chance..
sooo today my cousins were over (they stayed over) so we got donuts in the morning... and they left around 845... so the rest of the day i folded clothes and washed shit and gah it was a mess... and then me and britt watched some tv and she did her wash... for once... and then we went and watched texas chainsaw massacre with stacie and tj... good movie... good talk afterwards... MAGIC BUTTON... AND NEW WALLPAPER...
and now me and britt are home and shes getting ready for her dance and im just going to chill at home... im getting sick and my leg still hurts but im toughing it out...
so in other new aka what goes on in my head... im just yea... im on and off right im justhappy and sad... and like yea... i dont know tomorrow is my worry day... monday is the day where the christian girl wakes up and realizes that sh is going jewish for a day... im nervous of course... eric hasnt really filled me in on too much and its just me and shit so yea... im nervous..
so yea and recently i finsihed my "refelection book" and i handed it into mrs pletcher gah it wasnt a pretty site she called the house and i dont know she read somethings from their to dad and im just like well im being honest and look at the date... DUH..
so now i have to start another one... butthis one will be for me... and only for me and maybe ill let someone just read it and not say anything just read it..
so yea.. end of story... ryan elliot doesnt talk to people who cut so maybe i should tell him that i do... ha... and hahahahhaahahaha kat cuts too.. what a wonderful world..
i showed tj leatha and he nearly cried knowing marc went out with her... OH WHAT A SHAME..
so you feeling very unconfident... is that a word... ? prolly not...
friends can be cruel sometimes.. im single and im enjoying myself... and its like everyone wants me to have a b/f and shit and i just dont have the time or the emotion space for one... im like all about myself and friends right now... trying to get them back after marc... and gah its like imjust being happy about myself... waking up and smiling about what i have done.. and its like ive gone through so much and im finally getting over the hump i named last year..
right now its like ive made it pass the point that everytime i hear marcs name i dont cry about it... i wont lie i miss him.. prolly just the feeling of someone always being there... and just there to help me ... but at the sametime i dont miss him because of him telling ryan elliot about me.. and its not fair because there are things i know... that no one knows that i could say but i dont out of respect for him... i respect him hes a person and everyone deserves it... no matter what wrong... and it just hurts not to have it given back to you..
its like everyday i wake up and say fran ive missed you... and its like i have another person... another me with the jokes, the smiles, the serious talks, and advice... and then its the sarcastic depressed fran... and shes on the back burner right now... and im glad..
i feel like people just keep trying to push me to do what they would do and its not what i want... i dont want eric to talk to any guy that i tell him i think is cool, cute, hot, or yum or whatever... i dont want to be brought down by disappointment... i dont want to be tied to something.. i dont want to be with someone who keeps me from my friends... I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO MUSIC AND READ AND PAINT AND WRITE AND DO ALL THIS STUFF WITHOUT FEELING GUITLY THAT THIS IS SOMEONES TIME.. ITS MY TIME DAMNIT! I DECIDE WHAT AND WHEN AND HOW THINGS GET DONE... im not being a person looking out just for myself... im still being generous and kind and considerate to other people... i just want control of my own thoughts and things that i do... and thats all i dont think at all that thats alot to ask for..
i have tried so hard to help my friends and sometimes it seems like its not enough and i just want to scream out that its all i have... its all i have to give to you.. im trying im not perfect... i just want people to understand that maybe im not like them i dont know every answer i dont know what to do in every condition i dont know what to say i dont know anything... but i still try more than i can say for some people..
i dont like being pressured to do something o threatened to say something... because i dont like pressuring people i dont like pushing... i dont like it.. i dont play that game either... i dont... its wrong people have the right to an opinion and a choice and i cant stop them from amking it..
so yea thats my vent for now... ill prolly be back later..
ok well all last week... hmm..
we had off wednesday and i hung out with tierny and me and her were suppose to go to the mall with felicia but you know everyone has their own schedule even though we had plans... so i am driving no one anywhere anymore... my dad was pissed because he thought that he shouldnt do anything just in case of the time we wanted to go.. so yea...
also my aunt got in a car accident shes ok... just aches... so *phew*
um ryan told me some things that marc told him about us... so hes deserving of a smack across the face..
um other than that this monday i have passover at the hermans which will be nerve racking... and i am nervous i wont lie... i just kind of want to be like the perfect non jewish guest... like i feel as even though im not jewish im expected to be a bad guest and i dont want to be i want to be perfect... and poliet and just everything... I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION..
so yea yesterday neil came over... and hes suppose to today but i just hurt so much that i dont think imgoing anywhere..
other than all of that eric yelowitz impersoanted natikgan on air... HAHAHAH 2 days striaght it made me happy.. and eric played the reason... MMMM... its so addicting..
and then i watched and listened to dane cook.. YUM
so yea cotillion spring break so many things coming up.. gah
yea well im going... thats my update..
ok well... today is very boring... its like yucky outside and i still want to go to the mall but it would be like just me and thats just like GAH
ok.. well i am attemptingnot to bitch because some people dont like it so ill prollt just write it because they all have a choice whether to read or not..
punkchick365: i dont know last night i felt like i needed reassurance that i dont know im wanted... im such a stupid kid
tobgo18: dont worr
tobgo18: you are a cool kid
i dont know why dont i believe him...i just dont anymore... no matter how any times you people say that i dont know ITS JUST NOT BELIEVABLE..
ok well cotillion i have a white dress go me... and like i hope eric goes.. only because if he doesnt i dont know..
yea... people can be stupid i think i want to go to the mall... i think i want to get stuff... i think i want to shield myself with material things for then i feel comfort... like i used to do...
its like people dont want me to be depressed but i cant be happy.. i have a lot of past behinde me and it still affects me... i dont likw to be touched because of glenn.. i dont know... i dont like to be open only because i screw up and tell the wrong people and then they use it against me.. and its not cool..
i dont want to be shielded by a name or things i want to be like HERE I AM... but i dont like the outcomes because not everyone likes them and im stupid and im all about what people want and not what i want for myself..
I DONT WANT TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT... AND I DONT WANT TO BE SOMETHING IM NOT... but there just isnt a middle to it..
gah... control... what no one has against me... and i dont have myself..
i just need my time and i dont know some how i always lose that time trying to help other people with their problems and i dont like taking my time all the time and helping other people with their shit... and then its like ok im crying so where are you now... i need you and my shoulder is wet because of your tears and my face is wet because you didnt return the favor for me and help me out... THANKS..
i know i have done cool things with people before : taco bell trip, homegoods, school, chorus, tv, but it all just adds up to nothing in the end... they were once in a while things.. and i cant be like that all the time but people still insist that im the funny one and im like that all the time... SORRY BUT IM NOT... I HAVE THINGS IN LIFE TO DO OTHER THAN MAKING YOU LAUGH..
i dont know... everyone just do what you want...
pass me by
leave me alone..
watch me die..
this morning 930 i wake up and im like i dont have to be up i have almosy an hour until me and felicia go to the mall..
but first i had this weird dream with eric in it... it was weird... i dont know... well i know but i wont say..
so i get up and i dont know what i want for breakfast so then i just go with toast...
i watch nothing on TV and then i get on the comp and felicia has to go to work at 1030 so im mad not at her but her work... but theres millions of other weekends so il live..
and well tj is here and they are watching signs... i wont watch until after the dog part... LOL..
so yea... im going to wash clothes.. and do homework... what a great day...
anyway... i guess.. i dont know ill prolly do my homework first but not yet... like 1030...
I HOPE I GET MY CDS TODAY!!!
ok well... im just strange... and stupid... and very dumb..
anyway for now i am done bashing myself..
i dont know whats wrong with me... i just have this feeling tonight that im going to need something... im going to renforcements... im going to need someone to talk to and im just talking to myself... you know people think your crazy for talking to yourself but everyone does it all the time, you dont hear them but it happens... so why arent we all crazy why is it the ones who have to hear it the crazy ones... i think the people who keep it locked inside are the crazy ones...
i need to reinvent of myself... i think this fran isnt really good... i dont think people like the very sarcastic, very fake, very depressed, and very sick fran... i think they want the sugar cutted whore that i left behinde in middle school..
i am a bitch, a whore, and a slut... or so i have been told..
i dont get it... why is it if america has people killing themselves out there or thinking about it they are the "troubled" ones shouldnt they be the "helpful" ones... these people are the ones that make us all realize that people arent all the same... and arent all able to understand things.. wouldnt this grow some paychecks on peoples backs... wouldnt this lead to new things.... A GROWING ECONOMY FOR GOD SAKES... i love how i degrade myself... i make myself an object of the economy, im not a person anymore... im a thing... a very useless thing like that sweater in the back of your closet...
i am clingy, i am self abused, i am pathetic..
people dont you get the hint by now.. please dear god read between the lines... im not one to say I WANT TO KILL MYSELF... right out loud...
anger runs me and emotions kill me... i commit suicide because i cant control myself... and no one can... i cant even take care of myself... how pathetic is it for me to think the way out is a razor blade with my blood running down it..?
i want attention because thats the one thing that i have always been abused of...
maybe im being way out of line... maybe im too dazed to realize what a good thing i have... but please tell me what is this one good thing keeping me here...? please and im not here for more than one thing there cant be that much importance in my life..
i dont know... you know... i tried... and im just so tired... everyday its a chore for myself... HOW DO I KEEP MYSELF GOING? and you know what today something happened and something changed and it threw me off... yesterday it happened and the other day something every single day something is happening that is making me scared... imbeing thrown off normal routine... and I DONT WANT SOMETHING NEW...
im too scared to tackle something new... i need someone to hold my hand... just for a little while...
SOMEONE HOLD ME... PLEASE PROTECT ME... PLEASE... just some shelter...
ok my face wet from tears, eyes swollen and eyelashes dripping of failure... i just want something... and I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT IS... i just feel this whole in my heart and i dont know what was there... i dont know if it was old friends, love, marc, things that mattered before and dont now..? I DONT KNOW...
HELP ME PLEASE... PLEASE... PLEASE SAY THAT YOU'RE HERE FOR ME.. SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME... SAY THAT YOU CARE... SAY THAT IM NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS THAT I SAID... SAY SOMETHING ANYTHING PLEASE... i just want someone to want me around... and to love me for being around... i miss the i love you's i miss the i want you there... I MISS THE FUCKING WE MISSED YOU YESTERDAY WHERE WERE YOU?
i want was is impossible... and the impossible is not knowing what is possible... and i cant know because I AM A FUCKING COWARD!
i cant stand it anymore... you heard it ladies and gents... I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE...
....read between those lines....
im very lonely right now... im feeling it.. and the worse thing is, is that i saw felicia and eric today things i was not expecting as of before 13th period..
i just dont know... i mean my day was ok... i think whats bothering me is that fester is suppose to have a g/f but he just doesnt seem it... everytime i see him its like this...
we exchange our hellos but then i go to give him a friendly hug... and he always puts his hands and arms too low for to be just a friend hug... and then he brushes his face on mine and it makes me uncomfortable... and today he whispered into my ear i want your loving... and im just like... no you cant, its too expensive... i just needed to get away... im so confused.. he suppose to have a g/f... and gah...
and then theirs things with the other guy i like right now... and its like a fine line.. after yesterday its a fine line of him being a good friend.. and something else... i dont know..
i dont know im just lost in my own mind that is already fucked up enough... i just want... security... it feels like some people are taking advantage of me right now... and its not feeling good... and the worse thing about that is that these people taking advantage of me are GOOD friends of mine..
i dont know im just like wow..
im confused about other people and their relationships with me... and why they are really where they are... i dont know i just dont want to trust anyone right now because its been a while since my heart has been crushed by the cruelity of society and i just feel it..
and besides people... well other people that is... i think there might be something wrong with me... ive been getting shooting chest pains that kind of feel like pins stabbing my lungs... and im worried but at the sametime i dont worry about it... i think this is what happens when you just dont care..
i really dont know what else is safe to say i dont want to disappoint readers... i dont know i just wish for some reason that someone anyone at this point stranger, family member, friend... would just write about me.. just make me realize either how much i am hurting them, myself, or how i am helping, or not, i dont know i feel like i need that assurnace which i will admit is bad... i know it is... someone has to tell me what a great person i am, make me believe it, and then i think differently...
i dont know im just in the "i hate myself" mood... and im in deep...
the light is getting smaller and smaller and my oxygen is getting thinner and thinner... and i just gasp for a breath and i dont know i just want HELP!
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