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I got rejected. Today, the names of those selected for the 7s rugby squad were announced mid-training. They will be training almost four times a week and will be representing Singapore in the Hong Kong 7s competition which will be held at the end of March. I wanted to be in the squad badly - because of two reasons. Firstly, it has always been my dream to represent the nation - in any kind of sport. And secondly, I wanted to prove to mother that I am talented enough to play rugby and to assure her that I am not wasting my time playing the sport. She has always been reluctant to grant me permission to go for trainings. And I had to resort to lying to her - telling her that I was going for touch rugby training almost everyday. I just wanted her to believe in my ability.
But now, I don't know how I'm going to assure even myself to believe in my own abilities. It's hard - being rejected. For a long time, I haven't felt what it's like to be sidelined, to be not-good-enough, to not be selected. Since I was young, I have always made it into the school team. Netball in primary and secondary school, for example. Touch rugby in junior college. It was even a privilege and honour to be selected for the combined schools netball team when I was 14. Now I realised that it's the most demoralizing feeling in the world. I feel inadequate. I feel weak. I feel amateur.
Then again, I had expected that I wouldn't be shortlisted for the 7s squad. For I know that my tackles are never good and my drive is weak. However, I do think that I have the agility to play in a 7s team, just that I lack the fitness and strength. So now, the 7s rejects will be training for the 15s team - and we will have to undergo another trial. I'm not keeping my hopes up cos I am half-hearted to play in a 15s team. 15s is a much more brutal game than 7s, I feel. Plus, I've never played 15s. Alot of the players in 15s are really strong and they have alot of game experience, unlike me. So I feel that it's futile for me to train under 15s and the ironic thing is that, for someone who is weak at tackling, what and why the hell is she training and trying out for the 15s team? Well, maybe I'll train hard as a backline player (as backs don't go into contact often) I need to train up my speed and long passes. I'll be giving my all for the trainings to come, but if I don't make it into the national team still, I'll just come down for training for fun or something. Nothing to lose, you know?
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