Distant Vincent

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2nd January 2006

11:44am: More good news.
My grandma is dying. She has cancer. The doctors gave her every treatment they could, and even the strongest one had no fucking effect. We visit her. My mom doesn't want her to be lonely. She's planning her funeral. She even bought a dress. It's long and grey. She wrote down where she wants all of her belongings to go. Who she wants to give them to. Only she won't be able to give them to anyone. She used to always curl her hair. Not anymore. She used to paint her nails and she can't even do that anymore. I don't know what to do. It's so weird. I know it happens to everyone, but my grandma's not even that old. If we lose her, my mom won't have any parents. My grandpa died when I was seven. I can't stop thinking about how it's gonna happen, and none of us can do anything about it. Thinking about it gives me a cold chill. I can't think about anything else. The only other thing on my mind hurts just as much. Maybe that's why I put my hand through glass. How can I be feeling so many emotions at once... anger, emptiness, sadness, love, frustration, loneliness, hatred, fear, confusion. I could keep going but it seems ridiculous and pointless. Everything seems that way. All the things that I love are leaving. I have no say in it. I've lost all hope and I just don't see the point in anything anymore.

29th December 2005

8:07pm: The Hardest Part
I thought things were going to slowly get better... but they keep getting worse. All of this fucking hurt and all the truth is just piling up... I want it to be over! I am so sick and tired of being sad all the time! And it seems like every fucking day I find out that something else was a lie. Everything was a fucking lie and it was all fake and I have nothing left. I want to be happy and I want to forget about it... how do you forget about something like that? I needed him to tell me... I thought it would piss me off and help me get over it. But I was wrong... it made everything worse... I couldn't be mad at him... I wanted to be mad and yell and I dunno... but I couldn't. It hurt so bad. I don't know what to do... I'm so frustrated! I want this to be over with... I can't stop feeling this way... I am so fucking confused.
Current Mood: stressed

28th December 2005

2:50pm: There's so much I would like to say to you, but I will just have to let you go
I don't know what to do. Everything is so fucked up! I am trying so hard to get over it but I can't... I feel like there's nothing I can do. No matter where I am or who I'm with... it's always eating at me. I feel so powerless and frustrated. I want to give up. I want this to be over with... there's just too much. Everything leads me to a memory. I thought that we had everything and that everything was fine... and then out of nowhere it happened and now I feel so pointless. I am so humiliated and I feel so stupid. I should have seen it. Why does it hurt so bad? I have a reason to be mad and that should help me get over it but it's not fucking working. I still feel like I did before and it's fucking killing me. There are so many empty spaces now. It's so hard and I hate this. I hate that I have to fucking go through this. And what really makes it unbearable is that the only person who could make me feel better... he's the same fucking person that did this to me... and I still don't hate him. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to be around him or see him. I can't stand this. I fucking need him and I hate it. He's so awful and he hurt me and I still fucking love him. What do you do about something like this? Give it time... that's everyone's advice. So I will give it time. I'll wait. And I'll have to keep waking up every morning and I'll have to realize it over and over again... that I wasn't fucking good enough. And I didn't see it! Everyone warned me... and now they're all sick of me. This was everything. Everyone knows how much he meant to me. Fuck it. Fuck him. I need to go find something to do... Sorry guys.

Holding onto the memory of what didn't last.

Waiting for better words,

They'll never come.

So dry your eyes,

It's better,

Now it's done...

I never lost so much.

14th September 2005

8:15pm: Bad Past Few Days
I'm just going to type a quick overview. Watch.

*Kyle passed away
*Huge fight with Matt
*Huge fight with Mom
*Oral Surgery and BRACES
*Beginning of 11th grade
*Permit and 5 hour course
*STILL no job

and of course there are things that don't belong in a blog... but, yeah; feeling the love here as always.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Head Automatica - Beating Heart Baby

6th July 2005

1:59pm: Lost inside another crash, the bones I had turned into ash.
I haven’t written in a while. Matt and I had our six month anniversary. Johannah and Amanda came over for a little while yesterday. It was good to see them. Johannah said Heidi leaves for France soon. I hope she has fun. I can’t wait to hear about it when she gets back. Tarah and Jo called me today. They were hyper. Matt’s excited because his friend is going to be coming back for five weeks. He hasn’t seen this guy in years. I’m happy for him. Plus, he’ll have someone to hang out with when I go to Vermont at the end of the month. I can’t wait. I want to get away. My sisters are driving me crazy. Matt and I fight all the time. I thought we were going to have a nice night when we went down to the lake to watch the fireworks together. It wasn’t hot or muggy. We were a little chilly so it wasn’t uncomfortable sitting close to each other. The fireworks hadn’t even started yet and Matt was unhappy because all these ants were coming out of nowhere and climbing all over him. There were spiders! One was crawling on my neck but Matt got him off. Yuck. Christy and I both made it to the Mayor’s Cup Idol Semi-Finals, but neither of us moved on after that. I’m glad we sang on separate days. We both had to go first! Matt didn’t even make it to hear me sing. He was… oh yeah he was playing baseball. Johannah, Jo, Tarah, Amanda, and Heidi all want me to be single again… but I love Matt.

20th June 2005

5:57pm: I had so much fun today, and I’m on fire.
Hopefully that’ll be me when I get home tonight. Matt has been gone all weekend, he had a tournament downstate. They won all four games. Yay. Today, we’re going out on Matt’s boat. We’re gonna go fishing. I just bought a pole and stuff. My dad helped me pick it out. I’m excited. Yay fishing! Yay Matt! Yay lake! Yay boat! Okay I’m done. They’re picking me up somewhere around 8:30, 8:45. It’s 8:06 right now. I miss Matt. Tomorrow is our second-to-last Regents. That one’s in Global History and Geography, and Wednesday’s is in Biology. The Bio one is gonna be a piece of cake, and the multiple choice on the global will be easy. I’m just worried about the Thematic Essay and DBQ sections. Matt just called, they’re on their way. Oh, someone made me a cd for Mayor’s Cup. I know all the songs really well, except for “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. I know the words, but not the melody. I was taught the harmony. It sounds really weird when I try to sing with the cd. Well I’m gonna go wait for my boyfriend.
Current Mood: cheerful

6th June 2005

8:56pm: The struggles go on…
Well, so far Matt isn’t enjoying the Mariners. In his double-header, he played two innings without batting. They had him in right field. The ball didn’t even come his way. I didn’t really enjoy the games either. I got a wicked sunburn. It hurts sooo bad. Trying to sleep was fun last night, let me tell you. Today was another lovely day, too. Before school, it started off with a fight between my sisters and I and my mom. It was over nothing! We’re always grouchy in the morning. I guess mom was extra sensitive today and we made her cry. It was over sunscreen. I tried to be mature and apologize and she wouldn’t listen, so… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Ever since I got home she’s been upset. She had all day to cool off. School was also terrible. I didn’t see Matt before first period, but when the bell rang he was standing in the hall outside Miss Ryan’s room. His allergies were bugging him and his eyes had that red itchy look. His homeroom teacher made him go to the nurse and she sent him home with “pink eye”. I hate not having him in school because I’m all alone. I talk and no one listens. I’m not even kidding. Tarah and Jo talk to me and I listen… but as soon as I have something to say they just blow me off. Maybe I should start doing it back.

1st June 2005

1:48pm: drumgodtb: i promise we'll be together for ever and ever and ever
Matt is playing on the Mariners this year. He’s going to pitch. He’s so excited. They have some really amazing players. I’m happy for him. This is a big step. My day isn’t going so good. I’m having an awful day. I felt like I was going to throw up all day. Nausea is like the worst feeling ever. I’m talking to Matt on AIM. Grrr! I can’t find any nice swim shorts. Oh well. Life sucks.
Current Mood: cranky

21st April 2005

3:10pm: Senses Fail Concert
Last night was so much fun. Three bands ended up playing before Senses Fail. The first two were really good. The third (Emanuel?) wasn't anything special. The first band had an eleven year old screaming. It was cool. We started out in the middle of the crowd and then we ended up two or three rows from the stage. We were RIGHT next to the speakers. My ears are still ringing. It was really hot in there. There was a fight too. A guy got his shirt ripped off. They played "Buried A Lie". That's my favorite. And Matt was happy when they came back out to play "187". He was holding me the whole time. It was a great night.
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Our Last Night-We've Been Holding Back

4th April 2005

9:43pm: drumgodtb: i was scared i love you so much if you ever die im right behind you
drumgodtb: we will never be apart

27th March 2005

9:03pm: Matt Lamora
I love him so much. He's the sweetest guy in the world. :) He brightens my day.
5:41pm: :(
I am so stressed. Nothing is going right. I feel so tired and sick. I have no energy. It seems like I cry all the time now and I don't get along with anyone... even Matt :(. I love him so much, but things have been so weird lately. Everything is wrong. I can't be happy. My mom and I fight all the time... it seems like every day now she finds a reason to be disappointed in me. I don't want to ruin things with Matt just because I'm having a rough week. I feel like we're not as close... it scares me. He's the sweetest boyfriend I've ever had. I really care about him. He makes me laugh... he's always there when no one else wants me around. I love spending time with him. He's goofy. He does the cutest things. :P Like dancing with his guitar. I love him so much. He gives me something to look forward to every day. I know I can tell him anything. Well I'm going to bed. I don't feel good :(.

I love you so much baby.

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Starting Line - Best of Me

11th March 2005

11:06am: School's out.... for 3 days :)
Yesterday was great... I got to see Matt for a while after school. He's so fucking amazing :D!! I love him. I wanted to do a song that was meaningful and that I could actually sing, but there was no way Matt could learn it in only four hours, so Miss Ryan played it for me just for the audition. Matt will be able to learn it before the Variety Show (it's on my birthday :D). I was so nervous... Miss Ryan started to play like three times and I couldn't sing... then I finally started to sing really quietly. My voice cracked and shaked and it was just soooo terrible. But when it finally was over, I was so incredibly relieved. They (Mme. Roraback, Miss Ryan, Katy Levon, Rachel Fuller) said they liked it... I hope they meant it. Anyway, then I read my poem. Madame Roraback said she'd help me with reading it. She said Thursday after school'd be good. They liked the poem. Today will be boring... I have a ton of homework and Matt has band practice and stuff. Tomorrow I will get to see him though. Well I gotta go start that pile of homework. ~*~April Marie~*~

drumgodtb: lol i love you so much baby
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Life Uncommon by Jewel Kilcher

9th March 2005

8:46pm: Anorexic Angel
Don’t call me beautiful,”
You say,
And most sincerely.
“I’m not beautiful, not yet.”
I look at you
Past the featherless scalds in your velvet wings
Past your dull, hell-bent halo with but a faint glimmer surviving
And into your eyes.
I see the hate and hurt in your flexing pupils
And try to protect you from seeing the same things in my own
Though I shouldn’t worry - your eyes are blind
Blind to what you’ve done to yourself, and
Blind to what you’ve done to me.
And I whisper for the thousandth time today
Patiently, stolidly still:
“No, you are.”
And I will say it a thousand more times
As I sit here
Holding your limp head in my lap
And stroking your stale hair
Because you need to hear it
You need to know your (swan) song is heard.
Your last staggering, faltering note resounds in me forever
And I will help you, if only by saying once more,
“You’re beautiful.”

~by Paula O.
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Standing Still ~Jewel Kilcher

6th March 2005

10:42am: I love Matt Lamora.

3rd March 2005

8:22pm: People suck.
Go die.
Current Mood: stressed
6:08pm: Beneath the rafters the angels sing, spinning violent while playing with my heart.
Today was crappy. I was excited because Miss Ryan said Matt could come to our chorus lesson. She wrote him a pass to come play guitar eighth period, so we could practice for the Variety Show. I looked forward to it all day. Then eighth period finally came and he started to play, but Amanda and I never started to sing because we both expected eachother to start. We finally started together, and it was hard because we don't know the harmonies yet. It was difficult and sounded TERRIBLE. We tried a few times but we couldn't get it. I saw cuts on Amanda's arm and got pissed at her because I told her not to do that anymore. Miss Ryan gave her a funny look because she wondered why I was angry at Amanda. She had an idea, I think. Manders and I decided to sing it once through with the cd, and try different parts. It was HORRIFIC. But oh well, guess I'm on my own now- unless we can find someone else to help us out. Anyway- Amanda and I wanted to sing "Life Uncommon" by Jewel (it's one of our favorite songs to sing), so Miss Ryan played it for us. Our tempo was kind of inconsistant, though *coughamandacough*. Then Manders wanted to sing "Let it Be". Miss Ryan started to play the piano... and Amanda showed her the NOT cut-up arm. She said, "Look, my dog bit me." I mumbled, "Why don't you show her your other arm?" Miss Ryan told Amanda to show her and Amanda wouldn't, so they went out in the hallway. A while later Amanda burst into the room, grabbed her stuff, and said "Thanks April, now I gotta hide." Then she ran out the door. I guess they couldn't find her for a while, then they did. She called me after school. She wasn't mad at me anymore, I guess. Louis was there. I'm sorry, that girl is fucking hilarious. "Flatu-later!!!"

27th February 2005

5:31pm: The Ground Folds
This has been a long vacation. I thought about a lot of stuff. About what I want my life to be like... and what I don't want it to be like. I stopped drinking and smoking, and discovered that I didn't have as many friends as I thought I did. I haven't done those things in months. At the beginning of vacation, I had the chance to go to Vermont with Sherri. We would have gotten plastered EVERY night. I chose not to go. I love her to death, but I'm done with that shit. Nothing good comes out of it. Instead I went shopping in Albany. Matt came too. That was a great day. I got some really pretty clothes. During the drive home, Matt had his arms around me, and he kissed my forehead. It was then that I realized how happy I am. I love him so much. Well, I am going to go. School tomorrow... that'll be exciting. .::*April~Marie*::.

Just throw it back, for one more night
On a starlit and moon-struck night
The ground did fold and eat us both
But all my love, I did devote
Beneath the rafters the angels sing
Spinning violent while playing with my heart
I wrote for you to see
And my heart
it now breaks and the blood spilled down your spine
Lost inside another crash
The bones I had turned into ash
The world did cry the night you died
and I am no good at suicide
Beneath the rafters the angels sing
Spinning violent while playing with my heart
I wrote for you to see
And my heart
it now breaks
and the blood spilled down your spine
And I lost what was mine,
and I want what was mine.
And I lost what was mine,
and I want what was mine.
My heart now it always breaks
The blood did drip and I did take
Another wish, another kiss
No more will for me to kill
We'd run away in our dismay
but please, come back to me

23rd February 2005

12:28pm: So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention... you never even see me, do you?
Well... a lot has happened since my last entry. Good things and bad things. I'm definitely thinking a lot differently.
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Senses Fail-Buried a Lie

6th February 2005

10:48am: Je t'adore
Ugh, I am sick... again. I get sick way too often now. It sucks. I might get to see Matt today... hopefully. Yesterday I went over to his house. We watched a few movies and went outside in the snow. I was sick so I kind of ruined everyone's night. What's new. Winter is going by soooo slowly. I WANT SUMMER!!! Oh well, at least we have a week off from school at the end of the month. I'm going shopping in Albany :). Well I have to go do something productive. ~*~April~*~

Je t'adore
Current Mood: restless

19th January 2005

7:15pm: ~*~In The Best Mood EVER!!!!~*~
:) Life is perfect. I am really happy. I wish it was summer... then there wouldn't be any school, and it would be warm enough to visit Shangri-la. I'm happiest when I'm there. It's amazing. I am definitely in an outdoors mood. I want to sit on the rocks and look up at the sky. I know some people think I'm a little weird but I don't care. I'm going to live life to the fullest :). I love the lake. I hope the rest of winter goes by quickly. The first warm day we have... I'll be down at the lake with my sketchbook. I don't care if the water's high and I get soaked up to my hips. I'll lay on the stone. And I'll think. For a long time... about everything. I just feel so great right now... I love it. In the words of Beckemo, I feel vrai. Shangri-la is peaceful. I'm so comfortable there. I have no worries :).

Sun child,
You're a sun child
Awoken by the spirit of the day
Will I grow wild
Speaking so mild?
Don't let it bring you down
For us that ain't the way

Matt is amazing... he makes me a very happy girl, and I'm lucky to be with such a great guy. *The trees will be watching...* haha. <3 <3 <3 <3

~.::*April Marie*::.~
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The Vines-Sun Child

12th January 2005

6:33pm: Oil streaked lily.
People amaze me. They do so much without realizing it. I'm drawing. It helps. I thought about a lot today. I decided I just need to keep being myself... same old me. I don't want to change. I don't want to know about the future... I want to let things happen instead of planning them out. I don't want to mess this up... I really like him. ~*~April~*~

drumgodtb: everything is perfect

"After all the things you say, you hate me for being this way."

"So I looked in your direction, but you pay me no attention; and you know how much I need you, but you never even see me."

"It felt good almost. Making pain on the outside where I could see it."
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Rainfall by the Vines
4:53pm: I'm Sensitive by Jewel Kilcher
I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen
Please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated
Please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we’ll give it to everybody that has some faith
Please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

11th January 2005

4:39pm: On Sunday we go to Christmas.
I WANT TO GO TO THE DAMN GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*not pussycat*
Current Mood: busy

7th January 2005

9:31pm: Mellow out or you will pay.
ShadowdAmbition: get your tiny ass back here ...lol

Grr... I typed a pretty long entry earlier and it erased it on me. Stupid thing. Well, today was okay overall. I was sick at first... didn't think I was gonna make it through the morning but I started to feel better around fourth period. For some reason, like the past four days... I am always sick in the morning. Then it just goes away. It really pisses me off. I had a Bio quiz AND a Global one today, I think I did okay on both of them. It was good just sitting there writing and not having to talk and participate. I was so like weak and exhausted for no reason. I wore my lounge pants to school. Didn't care :P. Awww I felt so bad for Jo, someone poured coffee all over in her locker. It was on her coat and books and there was a puddle of it in her bag. Everything was all sticky. But it smelled good. I talked to my Beckemo today in art... I missed our conversations. We talk about a lot of stuff. Ugh I really don't like Sam. She is one of the worst people I know. She made Manders cry :(. She actually moved her locker away from ours and let Jo have it... maybe she cursed it... with COFFEE muahahaha. Don't ask. I got to see Matt a lot today... those were the best parts of the day. Even though he picks on me constantly. Well I'm going to bed to draw. Goodnight. <3 ~*~April (Not Pussycat)~*~
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Blackbird by the Beatles
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