Just Thinking....   
06:48pm 21/12/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: Project Pat- Ass Clap
Tonight Greg and I went to the movies. We watched the new "Spanglish" movie. It was a good movie, but it made me think. I thought about Greg, and how I love him so much. Gage made the comment that if there is any doubt that the relationship might not work, then it won't and you are wasting your time. The sad part, I have had my doubts, but it was due to Greg. I try to do anything and everything for him. I would do anything he asked of me. When I look at him, I see him and only him. And in my head, the thought that "this is it" runs through it. I could be completely happy with him and him alone for the rest of my life. I know he still has a long of things that will change in him, but so do I. I want to be there with there with him through the times of change. its just that I want him so badly, and I'm not sure that he does. And what I mean by I want him, I mean that in everyway. I'll continue later
 
     
 
Thinking....   
09:26pm 18/12/2004
 
mood: touched
music: Metallica
Tonight I went to a walk-thru nativity with Lisa, Kris, Zac, Allen, Mikayla, and Greg's mom. It was alright, I liked that his mom wanted me to come. I like that she likes me. But I just wanted to really write to say how much I do love Greg. He is perfect. And last night, he was saying sweet things to me and I was about to cry because it made me so happy. Then, I did a few things to please him, and tried something new just for him. I hope he knows I only did that last night because he asked me to. I would do anything to please him on any level. He, Lisa, and Charlie got a card from Jenn. I really don't care too much for her anymore. I don't think I ever really did either. But back to Greg. I love him more than anyone else I have ever come into contact with. And he made the comment that we started off rocky, and I agree, but even then most of the time I felt like I was in heaven. I just love being near him. I love it when I fall asleep when he holds me. I like that soo much, I wish he did it a lil more than what he does. I love the way he holds me, it makes me feel so important, and I feel safe. Which is a really rare feeling, but with him I know that I'm safe. That's another thing, I don't know how far he would go to defend me though. I am pretty sure that if he saw me getting my ass beat, he would say something and more than likely jump in, but would he if it was a big guy? And like I was telling my mom earlier, I am doing sooo many things that I never thought I would. I mean, getting in the shower with him, letting him go down on me, me going down on him, me letting him see my body, etc. It's crazy, I would never let anyone see my body because I hate it, but when I'm around Greg, he has this werid way of making me feel pretty, beautiful sometimes. I don't think he knows how happy he makes me and how I love him soooo much. And like I said in a previous entry, I would like it if he would stop saying "sex" and "fucking" because it is soo much more than that. I mean, I love him, and he loves me so why don't we call it making love. I mean, when we do have it, he makes it different than anyone else has. He looks in my eyes, and says that he loves me and I just melt and I love being with him. I love being in the bed with him. Oh well though, I think I will start heading up to his work in a lil bit. I just love seeing him too. Everything about him is perfect. I love him soooooo much. I just hope I'm good enough for him.
 
     
 
Just Thinking.....   
03:01am 05/12/2004
 
mood: relaxed
music: Nothing but I was Listening to Brooks & Dunn
Today was slept away. I hate doing that. But last night, i got my ass beat (as mentioned earlier), but i failed to mention that i was on xanax. well anyways, my father found beer in my car and took it away. i am now in trouble, and im trying to figure out a way to get out of it. geesh. wow! this is hard, im starring at a bottle of whiskey, and i cant drink it. this blows big monkey balls. well there is a point to this. im thinking things, but cant say them to him. Greg made a comment that i cant be quiet during sex, but reality i usually am. thats just another thing i dont understand. with everyone else, i was quiet and i didnt make a peep, but with him its completely different (i know i use that phrase a lot, but hey! it works). its just, i dont know. i wish he would understand that im breaking ever boundary that i have ever had, except one or two. i cant tell him my past, i honestly think he would look down on me and treat me differently. i just wish that he would be how he was in the beginning when we are by ourselves. i mean, maybe even try to be romantic. and when we are with people, i wouldnt want all the attention because i would know when we got home what i would get. but then again, we dont have any mutual friends. he is the second guy i have introduced to any of my other friends. and the friends he has hates me. so how can we hang out with our friends together? i dont like having to see him, and when his friends get there i leave immediately, andi dont like the fact he wont come with me to my friends' houses. i just think that is starting to prove a point i dont want to come to terms with. maybe we shouldnt date. and then again, he makes a few comments here and there that make it seem like he is really ashamed of me. and that hurts. i just wish that there was a group of people that we could meet up with and do something. maybe with a few people like eddie, jamie, cameron, and other people like that we could walk the mall, and catch something to eat. then others we could go see a movie. or somehting. he keeps me in his house and mostly his room. he said something like lack of money, but you dont always need money to do something. i remember walking on the beach, or going to the mall, or some place where you can meet up with people do nothing and still have a fun time. but, i did enjoy our time tonight. i love spending any amount of time with him. but yet im bothered by something. im not sure if i should say it for he knows the address now. fuck it, it makes me feel a lil better about myself when i hear from an ex that they still love me. i mean, i dont get many compliments, so anything is better than nothing. i just wish that Greg would, and i know he isnt one to do that, but i wish he would give me one each day, and then if he wants to more. girls are vain. damn it! this whiskey is getting to me. i cant drink it though, DANM IT TO HELL!! why me? anywhoo, i think this is where my thought ends.
 
     
 
Just Thinking.....   
12:21am 05/12/2004
 
mood: crazy
music: Goldfinger
Have you have just wanted someone to love you the way you love them? i mean, i go way out of my way to do things for him, and i was just wondering, does he do the same? i mean, i am soo happy that he didnt go to eric's house to hang out because that means i can hang out with him. it meant a lot, but it sucks that he has another job. i mean, he likes to have his boys night out, and we spend all the other time together, but this second job means that we will have less time. i can see that being a problem, and maybe even making our relationship end. but i went and hung out with a long lost friend, and we were talking about guys we were dating, and her boyfriend got her flowers and for NO REASON. i thought that was sweet. i am not too sure why i brought that up, but hey. anyway, im going to find out whats up his ass.
 
     
 
Here's A Thought......   
03:48am 04/12/2004
 
mood: happy
music: Suds in the Bucket by Sara Evans (its playing in my head)
Okai, this is whats going on today: First, I tried to wake Greg up, and he just wouldn't have it, then i left to go to my moms. Benny was there, so i couldnt stay which turned out good because i went back to Greg's. He was outside smoking. I spent some of my day with a good friend, Eddie. With him was his girlfriend, Jamie. It kindof upset me to see them together. I kindof missed Greg, and because of how they are. Eddie holds her hand when we were walking in the mall, and he puts his hand on the small of her back as she walks. I wish Greg would do that. i mean, he makes it seem like he is ashamed to date me. that hurts, a fucking lot. i know he wants to just hang out with his girlfriends, but like i said before, i love attention. i dont go as far as to create shit to get it, but i make it known when i want it and simply. i just tell him to love me. However, i wish i didn't have to tell him. i mean, if he did love me and shit, wouldn't he kindof want ppl to know? and if i was attractive to him, wouldnt he be proud hes with me? but dont get me wrong, i love him. i love everything about him. i love his lips, i love the way he kisses me, i love the way he is when he gets a lil pissed (its sooo cute), i love his hair, i love his eyes, and i love the way he looks sooo damn sexy in him work uniform. but most of all, i love his personality and i love the way he makes me feel (when its a good day). i love to sleep next to him, although he does like to knee me, drop bows on me, and sometimes his hand will fall on my face, and sometimes i will almost fall off the bed. i love the way he hogs the covers. i mean, he is better than almost every guy i have ever dated. yet, it scares me so much. he is very cute, and very fucking sexy when he gets jealous and protective. i dunno, it just seems like sometimes he doesnt care about me, while most of the time its heaven. i heard a country song, and some of the lyrics where "loving him is just like breathing, its easy and its obvious" and that made me think of him. i also heard the song about "dont take the girl" and i cried. its a sad song in itself, but i wish Greg felt that way. im not sure how he completely feels, and i wish i did. i know its hard for him to share his feelings, but he doesnt even try unless he is fucked up. i asked him if he is worried that i will break his heart. he said yes and no. i think he is worried about the past repeating itself, but i would never do anything to hurt that boy. NOTHING! why is that soo hard to understand? i know that they are just words, but if he only knew how i felt, my fears, and my hopes, and just how much he means to me, then he would understand. There is something that happened (maybe with just me, on my part) but something happpened that time couldnt even do. what i already know about him, i love and respect. i want to know everything about him. i want to know how to make him happy because sometimes, it seems like just the thought of me pisses him off. i am trying my best to my best without going into my past. yes, that would explain a lot, if not everything but the fact is, i am ashamed of it. with every other guy, i didnt care what he thought of me. he was there because i wanted him to be there, and i didnt care if he wasnt. but with Greg, i care about him, i care about him being there, and i want him to be there. there is just so much that im worried about with him, but at the same time im not. it seems like im pathetic, or i see myself as that because even the thought of him makes me smile. the entire ride to his house from mine, im in the happiest mood. why? because i know im going to see him. i know im going to be able to hug him and kiss him. and i know he is there. God, i dont think he knows how badly i want to talk to him about the problems i have, the stress i go through, and just how seeing him makes all the bad shit go away. i have a lot to deal with right now. i dont think he knows that when i go in public, i have to look over my shoulder every soo often to look for people running up on me. i have eight people i know of as of now, who have tags out on me. tags meaning out to fuck me up royally. I am so scared to go home because a friend i once had, had six niggers outside my house, some with guns screaming for me to come out. i had to jump my fence to get to my car without them seeing me and i had to haul ass out of my neighborhood. i'm in some deep shit and i honestly dont know why. there are things in my past i wish i could tell him just so he would understand. one of them is with sex. i want to have sex with him a lot because to me, its like having sex for the first time. the reason for this, is ive been raped more times than i have had sex willingly. i mean, best friends have done it to me sober, fucked up or they drugged me intentionally. thats hard for someone to admitt to. im ashamed that i trusted these people and they did that. then im more ashamed because i have had strangers do that shit to me at local shows, and there was once at a club. i dont think he could understand though, fully, how it feels to go through something like that. i mean, and the guys i did have sex with willingly, i would just lay there, and put my mind somewhere else. often times i cried. then i have the times, like with tim, that i got raped because he wouldnt wait, and i got raped when i didnt want to, and he did, and then there are times i said 'fuck it' and had sex with him, while crying the entire time. but with Greg, its completely different. i love being with him. he has this certain way, i dont know how to describe it, but he makes me feel special, loved, when we have sex. and the fact that he tries his heart out trying to get me off, that makes it better. with the whole drug thing, him doing them... yeah, that was the cause of a lot of abuse, and with certain people, tim being one of them, it cause rape. and by rape i mean me screaming for them to get off, me fighting with all the strength i have to get them the fuck off. i mean me begging them to stop until i break down and cry. that is one of the most worst experiences i have ever been through, and then to have to continue to look at them makes it worse. yes, i lied to Greg about what happened between chris and i (when he raped me) because i dont know how Greg would respond to that. i didnt know if he has ever had to deal with that, and i later found out he never has. i feel bad because i have been through hell and back again, and im soo young at the same time and i feel that it is unfair for him to be with someone like me. yeah, i do think i have been doing a good job with not freaking out, and not treating him like the hes the one who did that shit to me. and its like tonight, i got hit by an ex boyfriend, defending myself and Greg and hes pissed at me for even going in. i can see why, but then again, i wont just stand there and let shit happen. he hit me before i left, and i wanted to go back and get him back. i dont want him to think that he can do that and get away with it. true, i could send someone, but then again that sends a message that i cant handle anything myself. i would rather try, and get my ass whooped, then to have someone else fight my battles. the reason for this, one of my friends defended me because i couldnt and in return, he got severely fucked up. and all because of me, and also because i have been hit more times than anyone i know, and i can take the hits. its only my pride that hurts, and that goes away after awhile. i feel like im the one who should finally stand up for myself, and for the first time in a loooong time, i can. i wish Greg would understand that everything i do there is a reason. hopefully, if he will hold off for a lil while, he will learn. that is another reaosn i wish he would leave this journal alone. but yet at the same time, i want him to read this. i know this woud allow him more of an insight than i could ever give him. but now there is past involved so i cant. but God, i love this boy. i will always say that because its true. i do, and i love it when there are those times when he gets off work and he holds me while we lay down. and i love it when he plays with my hair. its simple things like that i adore about him. i even like it when he plays his video games in his room while i lay there next to him, and inbetween games (in football) or missions (ghost reacon) that he kisses me on my forehead. that makes me feel loved more than a lot of other things. especially when im just lying there, about to go to sleep. it makes me smile just thinking about when he does that. i love him more than anything and he is one of the most important people in my life at the moment. well this will be all for the moment. good night, i think im going to try to go to sleep.
 
     
 
So FUCKING Sweet! I guess you had to be there   
03:06am 03/12/2004
 
mood: loved
music: Damaged by Plummet
The Kiss of A Broken Heart

What's with theses emotions inside of me
What's with these tears in my eyes
I've never been one to, to cry
But right now, I feel like I could just
Roll over and die
They say it gets better
Who knows if they're right
If this pain is ever going to end
Let it end tonight.

And with a kiss goodbye
You walked right out of my life
I never will forget those nights
When you looked at me with those eyes
Tonight was the night I told you
I loved you so
And now I'm about to choke as I watch you
As I watch you go

You say you're never coming back
But I hope you do
I know your having troubled times
But I have them too
Your the bestfriend this guy could ever have
And there's no lie coming from this tongue
You say you love me
As you give me one last hug
Don't you ever give up
Cause the battle is almost won

They say if you love someone
Then let them go
And if they come back
Then they love you too

And with a kiss goodbye
You walked right out of my life
I will never forget those nights
When you looked at me with those eyes
Tonight was the night I told you
I loved you so
And now I'm about to choke as I watch you
As I watch you go
 
     
 
Just A Thought......   
03:04am 03/12/2004
 
mood: numb
music: Damaged by Plummet
I tried to say something tonight, just a few minutes ago. I created this journal because I start a new one each time, because the name alone will tell you so much. Like there is this guy, Greg and I love him sooooo much. And I tried to tell him that when he isn't around, its almost as if its hard to breathe. I love being around him, i love him touching me (even in a non-sexual way). And the best part is that he isn't like any other guy i have dated. yeah, he has his slip ups, but even the best do. but overall he is sweet. and tonight it hurt because he said it doesnt feel like a real relationship to him bcuz he thinks that all we do is fight. thats not true. and i know most, if not all is my fault. i wont let him know my past, which is like a key to a lock. once you know that, it explains sooo much. but it seems like everyone i have let in has done nothing but damage. i mean, i would never do anything to hurt this boy. for fuck's sake he is the first in a loooooong time that i'm not playin. i usually tell the guy im with the same lines as the boy before him and the one before him, but with greg, its completely different. i mean, i dont know. i turned down frankie! FRANKIE!!! (he is the subject of another journal). i mean, i dont understand it. im completely confused. and to top it all off, he wont tell me how he feels which only makes me guess. and i'm afraid to let him in because i dont know how he feels. i just want him to know that i love him, i mean actual, authentic love. unconditional applies as well. but he will never know this. i slipped up and told him some of my past. and i regret that. but i do wish he would know. maybe someday when i grow the balls, or get trashed, which im working on right now. yeah, he annoys me from time to time, and yeah he pisses me the fuck off. but, every time i try to walk away, the same thing happens. i run to my moms house, in tears. its there that i break down, i mean completely break down. i tell her everything and then i sit there, smoking a ciggie, shaking. its then that i go back to his house and talk to him and try to make things better. i dont know why i keep going back. i have never done this before. the first time a guy pissed me off, i hit and left. and that was it. but with greg, i keep going back. my sister says its because he has the control, not me. but thats not true at all. for some reason, i have not been fake at all in this one. and its strange because he has me doing things i would NEVER do. and i have NEVER done before. everything i am and everything i have is in this relationship when before i put nothing in, and got everything back. is this the one that will kill me? i mean, i'm a happy person, but rejection, and pain i can no longer take (unless its a hit to the face). i just dont want to get hurt, and the thought is always there. but with him, i feel that regardless, when this ends, i will be hurt. so i see it as its better to say everything then say nothing at all and have the what ifs, and i should haves. but i dont think he feels the same way. and that hurts in itself. i mean, i believe him completely when he says "I love you". but then again, am i being naive? no no no no no, dont think like that. i hate it when this happens. when something is painful, but at the same time blissful, i tend to get depressed thinking about the bad. its just that him loving me, and not talking to me (and telling me certain things) is painful. Hince the name, painfully loved. That is how i feel. i need to hear i look pretty when i take the time to get dressed up. i mean, i hate the way i look, so it is very special to me to hear things like that. im not use to being with someone who doesnt seem to care. i mean, i know he does, but to what extent? im use to being the best the guy im with will ever have, and im use to being treated like a queen, and im use to being treated like a trophy. yeah, i can be one of the guys, but i still like complements. i just wish he would do his best, i feel like he is going to try, but for how long? and for how much longer will i be hurting? i dont even think he knows it. and i doubt he would understand. although he should. i mean, when you are completely captivated by someone, and all you want is their attention and affection, and you want to hear sweet things (keep in mind this is a chick) but yet they dont, and you know they are completely capable of doing it, it hurts. it hurts worse to find out it was bcuz of past chicks. i mean, my past would not permitt me to be the way i am, but i block it out, as much as i can. and i try to make new memories, ones that will override the bad ones. or at least give me something good to remember when i have doubts. but yet, he doesnt, and he wont. he is still hung up on past chicks, and thats fine, i still have my hang ups, but he wont even try to be with me and only me. i feel like he is in his mind still with them when with me. i sometimes think he is thinking of them while making love to me. oh and thats another thing, i dont like fucking, and i dont like sex. i like to hear that its making love. it makes me feel special and loved. goodness this is long, i will wait until later to finish.
 
     
 
Welcome to Me:   
02:28am 03/12/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: Damaged by Plummet
This is Me:
I'm a cancer. Once you know that, you will understand me. I am a happy person, but thats once you have gotten to know me. I hate that I have this wall. I hold it high, and with each day it gets taller and thicker. There are a few people who know me, and thats a very select amount of people. I am afraid of being hurt or hurting others. However, I will hurt you before you can hurt me. I won't allow you the chance. That's mainly because it is only my past that can hurt me. There were things that happened that shouldn't have. Now, anyone who knows those things have the power to completely destroy me. That upsets me because I did trust people before. There are the few who I did tell, and they used it against me. They have helped make me how I am. Also, there was a love in my life who hurt me in a way that I have never known. These are a few reasons why I am the way I am. I always look for the good in people and that always gets me hurt. I don't understand why people feel the need to fuck me over when I don't do that to them, and I would do almost anything that was asked of me. Now you know a little bit about me. You can assume some things, but I wish you wouldn't. My life is an open book, yours to read if you wish. The only thing, you can not hold anything against me.