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Blurty for *z*.
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003 |
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im just trying something. this is small font |
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2003 |
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i'm still alive. wow. i think that says a lot at the moment. come up to meet you tell you i'm sorry you don't know how lovely you are i had to find you tell you i need you tell you i've set apart tell me your secrets and ask me your questions oh, let's go back to the start running in circles, coming up tails Heads on a science part Nobody said it was easy it's such a shame for us to part nobody said it was easy no one ever said it would be this hard oh take me back to the start i was just guessin at numbers and figures pulling the puzzle apart questions of science science progress do not speak as loud as my heart tell me you love me, come back and haunt me oh and i rush to the start running in circles, chasing our tails coming back as we are nobody said it was easy oh it's such a shame for us to part nobody said it was easy no one ever said it would be so hard i'm going back to the start and this song I get so nervous, I'm shaking get so i got no pride at all get so bad, but i just keep coming back for more guess i just get off on that stuff thinking about taking some time thinking about leaving soon got some things i can't tell anyone got some things i just can't say they're the kind of things no one knows about just need somebody to talk to me thinking about leaving tomorrow thinking about being on my own think i've been wasting my time thinking about getting out thinking about getting out and all this time the bottom line is you don't know how much i feel you say you see but i don't agree i don't know how i don't know how i feel just trying to give myself some gravity you're just trying to get me to stay sometimes i sit here looking down upon los angelos sometimes, i'm floating away thinking about breaking myself thinking about getting back home think i've been waiting way too long thinking about getting out thinking about getting out thinking about getting out... then there's always this song. no one will ever understand my obsession with this song seeing as i don't understand it myself. you got a fast car i want a ticket to anywhere maybe we can make a deal maybe together we can get somewhere any place is better starting from zero, got nothing to lose maybe we'll make something me myself, i got nothing to prove you got a fast car i got a plan to get us out of here been working at the convienence store managed to save just a little bit of money won't have to drive too far just cross the border and into the city you and i can both get jobs finally see what it means to be living see, my old man's got a problem live with the bottle, that's the way it is say his body too old for working, his body's too young to look like his my momma went off and left him she wanted more from life than he could give said somebody's got to take care of him so i quit school and that's what I did you got a fast car is it fast enough so we can fly away? we gotta make a decision leave tonight or live and die this way so remember when we were driving driving in your car speeds so fast i felt like i was drunk cities lights lay out before and your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder and i, had a feeling that i belonged i, had a feeling i could be someone be someone, be someone you got a fast car we go cruising to entertain ourselves still ain't got a job now i work in the market as a checkout girl i know things will get better you'll find work and i'll get promoted and we'll move out of the shelter buy a bigger house and live in the suburb so remember when we were driving driving in your car speeds so fast i felt like i was drunk cities lights lay out before and your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder and i, had a feeling that i belonged i, had a feeling i could be someone be someone, be someone you got a fast car i got a job that pays all our bills you stay out drinking late at the bar see more of your friends than you do of your kids i'd always hoped for better thought maybe together you and me would find it I got not plans i ain't going nowhere so take your fast car and keep on driving so remember when we were driving driving in your car speeds so fast i felt like i was drunk cities lights lay out before and your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder and i, had a feeling that i belonged i, had a feeling i could be someone be someone, be somone you got a fast car but is it fast enough so you can fly away you gotta make a decision leave tonight or live and die this way and of course these few by un named artist (take a guess) i've not been myself today just a figure in a big monopoly game struggle is the price you pay you get just enough to give it away i'm sinking while they're floating away throw me a line so i can anchor my pain the fabric is about to fray the fabric is about to fray maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately things keep coming and i keep wondering when i start feeling the walls close in things keep coming and i keep stumbling i start feeling strong enough to break oh, i start feeling strong enough to break been running through my mind today scenerios to add to your hypocrisy no one ever takes the blame but everyone is searching for a cure to the pain nothing ever seems to change oh, nothing ever seems to change we're just playing broken records in a deaf man's charade maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately things keep coming and i keep wondering when i start feeling the walls close in things keep coming and i keep stumbling i start feeling strong enough to break carry on, just a pawn in this same old song I'm still holding on the fabric is about to fray maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately maybe, you could take a look at yourself lately things keep coming and i keep wondering when i start feeling the walls close in things keep coming and i keep stumbling i start feeling strong enough things keep coming and i keep wondering when i start feeling the walls close in things keep coming and i keep stumbling i start feeling strong enough to break oh, i start feeling strong enough to break waking up this morning thinking this can't be real and they say there is nothing that love can't heal why don't you come on down so you can feel what i feel? sitting all alone in this place even though we're here face to face there is nothing gone, but there's something wrong can't you see, that i'm stuck here underneath? and you make it hard to breathe take a look around and tell me what you see you'll find me, underneath i know what to say but don't know where to begin i feel i'm losing you beneath my skin is there a resolution to this pain that i'm in? sitting all alone in this place even though we're here face to face there is nothing gone, but there's something wrong can't you see, that i'm stuck here underneath? and you make it hard to breathe take a look around and tell me what you see you'll find me, underneath you'll find me, whoa underneath if only you could feel what i dream maybe you could hear what i mean there is nothing gone, but there is something missing can't you see, that i'm stuck here underneath? and you make it hard to breathe take a look around and tell me what you see you'll find me, underneath and ooof course... well i just can't seem to pity cuz my hearts too numb to feel and the smile does all the talking and the pain is all that's real with the way that you keep screaming i can hardly hear to think and i feel the bridges burnin' underneath my feet where do you go, when you're gone? where do you go, when you're gone? oh, how the road feels so long where do you go, when you're gone? and i just want to stay dreaming and i just don't want to wake why can't we keep on sailing across this same old lake? my forehead is still bleeding from the thorns i used to wear and i'm left alone and i'm beaten by this cross i choose to bear where do you go, when you're gone? where do you go, when you're gone? oh, how the road feels so long where do you go, when you're gone? well, i finally found what i'm looking for though the road's still long and the nights still full but i finally found what i'm looking for well, i finally found what i'm looking for though the road's still long and the nights still full but i finally found what i'm looking for voices fall like timber the fear, it pours like rain my heart is crushed to cinders there is no resolution, when the revolutions dead so i'm left with no solution for the voices in my head where do you go, when you're gone? where do you go, when you're gone? oh, how the road feels so long where do you go, when you're gone? i love updating with song lyrics. there's nothing like it. - *z* |
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2003 |
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I feel so crazy tonight. The stars and sky are speaking to me and begging to me. Whispering to me and just begging, pleading, for me to go over them. No, I'm not even really screwed up right now. And all I taught him was, everything... I knew he gave me all that he was And now my bitter hands Chafe beneath the clouds Of what was everything I felt so crazy. We were over at Tiff's, just watching Ernest goes to camp. Just sitting there. And I felt so restless. I just didn't want to be there/here anymore. No, it wasn't that I didn't just not want to be at Tiff's. I didn't want to be here, period. Gone. I wanted to hang from the rafters, bleeding and dead. Smiling and shining in a light that I never have before. Shining with that light that hasn't been in me since fifth grade. Shine with those bright colors and big, genuine smiles that meant so much. Not these grey, darkened smiles. I lost that light in me. I did. For awhile, with him, it was starting to come back. He was my light. Part of it. And it's not his fault or my fault or anyones fucking fault that he, and my light, are gone once again. No, it's only my fucking fault for not being exactly what he wants me to be. I just have to be me. With no color, only shades. Only dressing in shades of colors and only smiling with shades of colors. But that light is so far gone. And I wanted it back. And hanging in the rafters was the best fucking choice, because he's gone, it's gone. Yea, I haven't talked about it in awhile, but it was true. It's still true and real. I just don't talk abotu it because all hope is lost. The child is grown, the dream is gone. and it's so true. This music sounds so good ringing in my ears. All these fragments and song lyrics of what I am. Meaningless now. Nothing but a pile of shit that people start to feel sorry for. I'm not here anymore. I hardly see a point, beside the people. THe people I love and would miss too much. I woudl, too. I'd miss them too much. I only hope that they woudl miss me. And everyone says they love me so much, I'm such a nice, good person. Then why the fuck has no one noticed this rut? This rut of crying in the morning before school, listening to Hanson and feelign so desperate at the lyrics of 'Next Train' that I storm out of the commons, in tears...no one even noticed. No one notices when I talk, people don't call me to hang out. I just show up and they're a tad bit happy I'm there, but that's all. That's fucking all. If I'm so fucking special to everyone at school who says I am, then why the fuck do I feel like a wall - you know, a barrier. You just KNOW I'm there. There is no need to acknowledge me unless you just run into me by yourself, because you're too embarrassed not to. I'm the wall. I've been trying to keep more to myself at school. Yea, some people think I'm hilarious. But I've realized that sometimes it can be jsut plain annoying and stupid and that I look like an idiot doign it half the time. So I need to stop being such an idiot. I say and do the stupidest things, and complain about it. And kim's fucking right - if I would just stop complaining about me being a loser and doing stupid things and just STOPPED, it woudl be okay. But I can't stop unless I keep to myself more...because it's who I was. But I can't be anymore. As I said, that light is gone. And it'd be so nice to hang in the rafters, shining. But I can't. I just cna't. Because there may be no hope, but how could I do that to people. Sometimes, I honestly wish I had succeeded when I tried to kill myself back in sixth grade - then I wouldn't affect anyone with the leave. Yea, if you read this and dont' fucking belive I tried to throw in the towel way back in sixth grade, I've probably fucking told you the story and you just weren't paying attention. But it's why I owe Hanson my life. Believe it if you want or not. I'm too tired and sick to care. anymore. And love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. It's just been shit this last year or so. It really has. I've gone through so many ups and downs with him...and I confirmed my best friend (that was the best thing, of course)...that she's like a sister and I can't imagine ever NOT having her around me all the time. But my depression has only gotten worse, and my parents continue to believe it's 'just a phase'. Yea. A phase that has lasted since sixth fucking grade. It's not phase. Whatever. My cutting only got more extensive. I got more anxiety, more panic. I dropped in grades, lost what was so important to me. I got fucking molested (one of the worst experiences of my life). I've been LITERALLY on the edge of sanity. I really think I have. Some nights I jsut sit and pull hair out. Lay on the floor, fall asleep all curled up and wake up at about three and crawl into bed, crying myself to sleep for reasons unknown. If only they knew the thoughts that run through my head. Maybe then most of them would understand. But some of them just wouldn't be able to. Absolutely NOTHING looks like it's going up right now - that's where it's sickening. Where it's so sickening I want it done with. Just memories of good times and bright times when the light shone for a day. But that light is so far now. It gets farther and farther and I just crawl deeper and deeper into my black hole of nothingness. Falling asleep crying, bleeding, hanging from the rafters. I'm sorry I'm talking so crazy. And I have no idea where this all came from. Seriosuly. I expected to sit down and write a few sentences. I had no idea I was so emotional and/or open tonight. Really. I'm going to go now. I can't think about all of this anymore, or I'll really want that light to come back, hanging from the rafters... I'm so tired of being here supressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave Cuz your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you'd cry, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have... on me. You used to captivate me With your resonating mind Now I'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts Your voice, it chased awya, all the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you'd cry, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have... on me. I tried so hard to tell myself That you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along. goodnight, dear, dear friends. To the stars...stop talking to me. I dont' want to go over you. |
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| Saturday, May 10th, 2003 |
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hey look, i'm the... -Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla too bad there's no boyfriend |
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You float like a feather in a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fucking special But I'm a creep ... What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here ... I wanna have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice when I'm not around So fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep ... What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here... Let's just say, I've had a pretty fucking bad couple of weeks...my friend fell off a cliff (he's okay, though...fucked up his foot/ankle, broke his wrist and something in his back - that will heal on its own). My friend almost got evicted...besides that, I've had quite a few personal problems... I basically feel like I'm invisible. A lot of people don't notice I'm there, or don't notice when I talk and it's just sad...because when people don't notice when you're there - they won't notice when you're gone. Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Knew you were here Sister confirms suspicions You left on my bed Where I held you so close. Did you think I'd forget? Couldn't be more of a mess, For to breathe, Used to be another way, I'd take you in. It's time to wake up And separate feelings That I keep falling into. Each seem like good reasons, That I feel a break down, I don't care if it shows up, I'm praying this for you, 'Til it's answered I'll say. Now it seems there's a choice, That began with a break, So today, Know that never again, Will I know you that way. Well it's time to wake up, And separate feelings That I keep falling into. Each seem like good reasons, I'm gonna break down, I don't care if it shows up, I'm praying this for you, 'Til it's answered I'll say. Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? Am I alone in here? feels as though I'm alone in here. - *Z* |
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2003 |
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( rawr ) and that's it. hopefully. |
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| Sunday, April 13th, 2003 |
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I was going to update this, but I just don't think I feel like it right now. I'm kinda depressed. Pretty lonely. Last night was fucking crazy. a lot of drama. I felt horrible because Pat was being a dick when I already felt really bad. And I was realyl fucking emotional. And then he just amde it worse and he made me cry histerically. I jsut went and sat outside by myself, until Matt came and talked with me. It was a nice talk. Though, it was mostly just me talking and for that I felt kind of bad. I was in a terrible mood though, and I was worried everyone would think I made a huge deal out of nothing. But he just struck a nerve and made it bad. What can I say? I can be a very emotional girl sometimes. But I'm gonna go. I just don't feel like typing out an entry right now. - *z* |
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2003 |
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God, I am in such a bad mood right now. I just feel like breaking out into tears. Chemistry. I don't understand it. I need to study. I was all ready, then I pull out my backpack and see that I brought home my fucking MATH book, instead. Great. So my dad says he'll bring me, but first we need to wait for the dogs, then we have to wait for this shit on TV. I JUST WANT TO GO AND FUCKING GET MY BOOK SO IT'S BACK HERE. God dammit. I'm just relaly pissed and in a bad mood and I want to get out of here. I don't know if I mean out of this city or out of this life, but it needs to come NOW. I need to just not be hre and...god, I'm so fucking depressed. I feel like shit. And Kym, about my last entry...there really wasn't much on my mind, I wasn't lying. In the entry, I was talking about in general. In general, I don't want to sit in this living room in front of my parents and talk/write about this shit...I was just saying why I don't update all that often lately. That's all. no biggie. I wasn't lying when I said there wasn't much on my mind...it's the same that you know about - I'm fucking lonely and miserable inside...and there's not much anyone can do about that. I'm just really, really lonely. And that's the truth. She's lonely. Isn't that the misery of everyone nowadays? It all goes back to being lonely - whether it's just lonely in general or lonely for someone. *sighs* I don't know. But I'm going to go now. - *Z* |
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| Sunday, April 6th, 2003 |
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Yea, I know. I know. I've been making pointless little entries that really hardly tell anything, besides what I'm feeling. But I can't help it if I'd rather wallow in my feelings in my room, by myself...then, in this living room, pouring it all out into a journal entry. I've had some fun nights, just know that...Last night in particular, was really nice. Kym and I went to Tiff's with Graham. Well, about 12-1ish we went to the gas station and ended up driving around for almost an hour. That was really fun, cuz we were just talking to Tiff about all this different stuff. The more I get to know Tiff, the more I get to like her... Other nights seem to kind of blur into each other. Thursday we went to Tiff's...Tiff picked us up, and Ana and Kim were there when we got there. Oh, and Danielle. and...Tuesday we went to Tiff's. That was fun, too. I just have so much fun hanging out with these people, because the majority of them aren't in high school. I know I sould horible, I know I sound stuck-up...but, the people over there aren't so wrapped up in high school and their lives and what the hell is happening...they aren't caught up in it all like most of the kids at my school. The sad thing is the more and more I hang out with these people the more and more I pull myself away from other people...there are a select I don't want to lose at Preble - Kym, Matt, Erik, Ryan, and I don't know. There are others. And I'm not trying to say that I don't have good friends or something. I do. I'm just not very close to a lot of them. I see them all the time, but I don't give very much of myself to them - such as, Fiona, Emily, Kristen, Nick...and these people are great. i love them to death. But I'm just not really close to them. I don't know. I really want a cigarette, though...I'm gonna go...for a walk or something. Hope you're all doing well. I, myself...? Lonely and miserable. But I'll try to hide it. And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass - *Z* |
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| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003 |
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I forgot [I dont' know how] and this needs to be mentioned.... I saw a fucking living legend last night. Billy Corgan is one of the greatest musicians of our time, I do believe. His voice is amazing, though I wish I could see Smashing Pumpkins live, now. And why/who am I jealous of? Billy Corgan. I wanna fucking play guitar that well... - *Z* |
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I don't know what to say, or why I'm even writing this here... I'm really depressed. And really sad. I want to cut myself, but it's been a little while ( a couple weeks...) and I will need to break open new razors...I was laying in bed before, just listening to Alice In Chains. It was good. But, not good. I fucking love Alice In Chains, but just like Nirvana it makes me want to bawl. Not only because they are both gone, but there is so much fucking emotion in their voices. It's the voices that make it so perfect...God... I'm really depressed right now. I'm really in a rut and I can't FUCKING GET OUT OF IT. Good news is, I'm not going to school on Friday...now I have to see what to do AFTER school gets out at noon - we'll figure something out... |
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| Monday, March 31st, 2003 |
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This is the lonliest I have...possibly ever....been. I don't feel anything in me. I'm just lonely, and empty. And even when I'm around people, I still feel lonely. I feel blind and as though they are blind to me. Not to say I want attention, it's just a feeling, I guess. I feel like I've lost touch with everyone...everyone, besides Kym and my brother. My brother seems strange, because I never thought I'd really feel IN touch with him, but I do right now. He's my brother. I love him. He's great. He really is the greatest brother I could ever ask for...it's weird...when I was little, I was afraid of him. I hated him. He used to be so mean. We assessed that, though. And I've put a lot of closure on that time in my life. When I went through the ana stage (anorexia stage)...I obsessed over what they said. I did. I won't deny it. I won't BLAME it on them, though. It's my fault I took it all so critical. I have put closure on them hurting me...with both apologies in hand - it was all I had ever wanted. I know I haven't put closure on the ana phase...I know I haven't. It still lurks in my mind. Those pictures of me, call out to me, make me wish that I could be that size again... TOTALLY OFF TRACK...anyway, back to my brother. He's like a good friend. Only, it's nice to know he'll be around forever... But I just feel so out of touch... On a *good* note, I think I've found two new favorite bands...Alice In Chains...and I downloaded a bunch of Evanescence songs, and they are the second one... At least in my time of lonliness and desperation, I've found music to fit my moods. - *Z* |
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2003 |
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Well, I figure maybe it's finally time for another update, eh? It's been a little while, I know. I got back from Washington D.C. I fucking love it there. The weather was perfect. Nice and warm, but with a nice cool breeze, just how I like it. We went to the monuments and memorials, which are SO pretty at night. We went to the Smithsonians, specifically the American History one. That was really cool, too. We went ot Arlington Cemetary. On the way back to the hotel from that, I started to cry...I just couldn't believe all the death that is in that city...there were so many graves and I guess it was just a little too much...it's just that almost everything there is death and memorials and graves...and it's just so sad. We went to the Kennedy Center, to see 'Shear Madness'. That was really fun and just a good time. Kym, Emily, and I are officially 'Cute little Nancy Drews'. Ah, the good life. I went to the Pentagon with half the group, which was pretty cool, just to even say I did. We went to the Holocaust museum. The things in that museum are memories I will never forget, as long as I live. It was crazy. We went shopping, but there weren't many cool stores. On our last day we went and met with a Senator and a Representative. We only got to meet with an aid to Kohl, but I guess his aids are pretty good. Then we actually got to talk with Senator Feingold, and he's the shit. He's part of the reason that makes me want to be a politician. Finally, we met with Mark Green, who is cool, but not as much as Feingold. So, we finally got home, four hours ahead of schedule. It was nice to be home, and do as I please. Though, I do miss Washington. I fell in love with that place in the short amount of time that we were there. Being a politician took a step up on my careers. However, I still don't know...if I could do anything, it would be to write. I just don't know if that fate is in my cards, though. Last night...Kym and Graham went to a movie. I find it kind of....strange. Cuz Graham asked me last night in the car if I got pissed about it...it doesn't make me mad, or even feel betrayed. It's just...really weird. It's weird when my best friend talks to my brother, goes with my brother to a movie, and would rather sit online and wait for him to talk to her...I'm not mad. I'm really not. And Graham said something last night about how he would have brought me but he didn't have enough money...and it wasn't even that I wanted to go. It's just weird. Because it's just weird for me to think of Graham and Kym going to a movie together. Maybe cuz it's never happened before? I don't know...Maybe it's cuz usually when Kym is bored she calls me to do something? I dont' even know, like I said... But I'm really not mad, and I want to make that clear. Jade was pissed when (after they came to pick me up) we showed up at Aleks'. I really wish she'd just get her nose out of my business, and she needs to realize that it's not just her house - and Aleks himself said that Graham could bring Kym and I there anytime. So, whatever...I'm tired of dealing with it. so I won't think about it right now... Last night after Kym went home, Graham and I sat around at Aleks' for awile,, before people started to depart. That was the point that Graham asked if I wanted to go to Tiffs. I said sure, because otherwise I'd just go home and sit on my ass. So we left, heading home to get the playstation first. Then he wanted to go get some food. So we drove over to Wendy's. On the way back, we were talking about Jade, how nnoying she can be. And I used the example of how I forgave Evan for the shit he said. And, how difficult I find it that she is still pissed off at him and still thinks that he's an asshole. Then Graham said something to the effect of, "Well, I'm well aware that my friends and me were assholes in middle school. I'd take it back if I could, but I can't." and I told him that it's fine, that I'm cool with everything now. Then he actually told me, "Cuz, you're like the best sister that a guy could ask for...I told Kym that and I don't know if she told you." I told him that she hadn't..just in case he hadn't wanted her to say anything...though I don't think he cared. As I said, I knew he said it, but it's also different when someoen says it right to your face. And all I could say was 'aww' and tell him he's the best brother. And I said that and then told him it was so cool, because most guys wouldn't want to bring their sister around his friends because it's his 'little sister' but he said it's not like that at all. I told him it's great because it's never good for me to just sit at home, but to be with someone. And he said something like, "I see that, and I'm the same way." I don't knwo what he meant by 'I see that', but either way he didn't elaborate on it because we were almost to Tiff's at that point. So then we went over to Tiff's...we didn't do anything, just sat around and talked. It was fun though. As Graham said, I didn't mind having a sober night. Most times, it's better to be stoned/drunk...but sometimes, JUST sometimes, you need sober nights... So, now, today...I'm just sitting here. Don't have anything to really do. I gotta dry my hair, and I'm still in my pj's...plus I think I'll go clean my room or something. I'm still pissed off about this war, more than ever. But, what can I do? I'll still try not to think about Jade and her analness. I'm still not sure what to think about a lot of things...but...what to do, what to do... I still remember that I had a suicide plan. I thought about that yesterday a lot. Now that the D.C. trip is done and there seems to be no Hanson cd date in the near future, I guess I should be dead... I think about it a lot...but it's hard...I'd be killing people. The only way to prevent that is to push people away, but taht hurts them as well...*sighs* I don't know... - *Z* P.S. I've now concluded since I'm "z" that kym should be "y". Why? Because since she took to spelling her name with a y, it just fits. Okay, y? |
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| Thursday, March 20th, 2003 |
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It was good for me to meet such good people...and get to know them better over the last couple of weeks... It's hard to be so down when you're around such good people...and that's so true. I'm still down. I'm still where I don't need to be, a stable place is so far... But it's good to have some new people around...they're all so nice...It's weird. Graham used to talk about Tiff, Dusty, Gene, Kim and Jeremy all the time. They're so cool, though. Tiff is so much like me that it's amazing. I can't even believe it...I can relate to her on so many levels. Most nights (except one...) I was fucked up...most nights a combo between drunk/high...which is *nice*. And I just started to talk to Kim, Dusty and esp. Tiff. Tiff is so funny, and so nice...it's amazing. I see myself in her in a lot of ways...and Dusty is such a cool kid. He asked my advice about this...thing, he had...and I think I gave him some good advice. Kim and I just talk about whatever, which is always cool. What's strange is I REALLY started to bond with these people over what I never thought I would - smoking cigarettes. We can't smoke in the house, so we smoke in the garage...it just, works. So we stand outside and talk...about whatever. But I've gone off and I've told some of those people things I would never if I was sober...but it's cool. These people usually remember the next morning. Gene and Tiff remember me talking about how I was anorexic for awhile (which I am now able to say I was anorexic...I don't think I can see it any other way), Dusty remembers me talking about how I get really down sometimes (I was telling him how hard it can be to get so down when you're around such good people), Tiff remembers all of our similarities we've discovered - bonded over our niceness and everything else, Kim remembers whatever random shit we talk about... It's not that I'm saying these people know everything about me...but it's just...for awhile there, I was pulling myself so far inward, I wasn't even letting myself be known to people...I was just retreating back to my shell, and I think that's not a very good thing...these are the first few people I've really said shit to. When something comes up, we just talk about it...and it works. And I like it. I don't feel SO bad about it...Kim and I were talking about how both she and I feel bad bullshitting to people...I still feel slightly bad - I don't want people to feel bad for me or worry...but I've realized maybe I should be more of ME around people...give and get, like Dusty and I said...and that road works. There is so much shit, though, that I haven't dealt with...Graham knows about my cutting...which is strange, but I guess I should have realized he'd know...he just would. Everything with Matt which is...always there. This last week has been crazy but it's been fun because I am so much more outgoing when I'm screwed up...and it's so much better for me to be outgoing...SO much better...because then I'm not caught up in my little shell... But there is still so much there...so much I don't want to deal with, that I can't deal with right now... I am slightly scared to go to D.C....I just don't know what it holds... More people today tried to tell me the war will jumpstart our economy...whatever... Going to go now... Need cigarette. - *Z* |
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 |
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i cannot believe this...the war has started. i am sitting here, crying. I cannot believe this...i am just looking at Baghdad, the picture of it...and I cannot believe that this is real - I cannot believe that there are girls my age over there, waking up to missile alarms, terrified for their lives... I fucking hate George W. Bush. If I didn't hate him before, I do now...he's a power hungry man, simply pushing his power all over the fucking place and I fucking hate it...god dammit...I want to march to the white house and just slap him, because I wish he'd realize what a bug mistake this is.. So, now I'm listening to Sublime, with the news on TV, and my 'make love, not war' T-shirt...god, I wish the government would have listened to those "prostesting hippies" this time...god, I wish they would have - considering those protestors were all over the world... I can't fucking believe this... FUCK YOU GEORGE BUSH, YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT...Just as Sublime says... *IT ALL COMES BACK TO YOU*YOU'RE BOUND TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE* And I hope BUSH fucking gets hit with a bomb...a missile...right in the balls...fucking bastard... I need a cigarette. - *Z* |
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| Wednesday, March 12th, 2003 |
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Well, today was pretty up and down. Right now it's down. The field trip was pretty cool. I love to travel, anywhere, really...so going to Milwaukee was pretty cool. The first part kind of sucked, it was pretty boring. But, then, we went over to where the convention type thing is...that was unreal. I know Mrs. Spence had described this place as being sweet as hell, but I didn't expect it to be like that...food, EVERY kind of food, all over the place, products all over...it was crazy. But awesome. Preble also got a first in the Culinary part of the competition. I was pretty proud of them, they f'ing rock. The bus ride home was when it started to go downhill. It wasn't bad to start off with. Adam sat with Kym so I sat by Fiona, which I didn't really mind...I just liked to give Kym some shit...I put my headphones on and started writing my papers, cuz now it's not due until Monday, but I knew I wouldn't want to do it this weekend. So, I got that shit done. Then I was sitting there, just thinking. About everything. And that's never a good thing. It's amazing, but I could sit for hours and hours on a crowded bus, listening to music and just thinking. Just thinking about anything, everything going on in my life. And that's what I did. I realized how much shit I have going on right now in the next couple of days...with forensics, everything. I have a chem test tomorrow which I'll most likely bomb because it's crazy ass shit. Then I have forensics after school, which I'm kind of nervous about...it's a lot of pressure. This is -by far- the toughest part of the whole forensics competing thing...once you get to state, you're just relieved you're going to state. And my coaches will kill me if I don't make it to state. But if I did what I did last time, I won't go...and I'd like to. It is fun...especially when you're all on your own for the competition. I felt so independent last time...Like a professional in a business world, where I think I may end up someday...some big city, beeyotchy business person. For what? Fuck if I know...but I do want to go to state...but if I don't get any better soon, then I'm screwed. Really fucking screwed. So, I have Vicks VapoRub to put on tonight, a fucking VAPORIZER, cough drops, nasal spray, tissues, and Tylenol Cold. Will it never just GO AWAY?! Seriously, if I don't have my fucking voice tomorrow, I'm screwed. Plain and simple. I'll never make the team next year if I fuck it up royally this year...Unless I get a gold at state, which probably won't happen...I'll get docked like one point for my lisp, just watch. I said I'd do this shit until I got a gold at state, or they kick me out - so, we'll see, I guess... I felt so fucking disgusted by myself...but, I started to cry on the bus. I faced away from Fiona because she already asked me a few times, "How's Christy?" I didn't know how to reply so I said I was okay. Then I read sayings from her schizophrenic dad - funny. But, Chelsea Ducat was in the seat across from mine, and she gave me the weirdest look as she saw tears streaming down my face. And this kid a few rows up and across, kept "casually" turning around to see the chubby girl behind him cry...as if I didn't know what the hell he was doing. But, it was this song...this song made me cry. And I don't care to go into the details of how or why or what it was right now...because I don't have the time to justify it all...IT's already after ten, and I need to get my shit together and lay down for tomorrow. That's what I need to do. I don't have time for mourning my losses tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever amount to anything...ever wonder that? I mean, I could end up just like my mom, a mill worker in Green Bay...I would probably kill myself first...but I see HOW people could just end up doing that...for the first time in my life, I see why people could possibly live like that - simple pleasures...the alcohol, cigarettes, pot, if you have all that, who the fuck cares where you live? I see how it could be like that, but I refuse to let myself live like that... Did you say "no, this can't happen to me," and did you rush to the phone to call? Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying, "maybe... you didn't know him at all." Maybe I didn't. I can't fucking be here or do this anymore. I feel like such a fuck up lately. Nothing I ever do will ever be enough or ever amount to anything. I wish it would, I wish I could...bu tI know in the end, I won't...because I've become too lazy this year and not motivated and too insane inside my head to be able to concentrate all the time. something snapped this year, and I wish I could just unbreak it or go back or do something but I know in the end - there is not a thing I can do. Well I don't know But I've been told You never slow down, you never grow old. Tired of screwing up Tired of going down Tired of myself Tired of this town Oh my my Oh hell yes Honey put on that party dress Buy me a drink Sing me a song Take me as I come Cuz I can't stay long. Last dance with MaryJane one more time to kill the pain I feel something creeping in And I'm tired of this town again - *Z* |
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| Saturday, March 8th, 2003 |
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Well, wow...what a fuck of a night. I came home and slept after school because I've been sick and fucking miserable...so after sleeping, I woke up. Jade called and wanted to do something, but had to call me back. So then Kym called and asked if I'd mind if she slept over...I said I guessed not...so when Jade called back, I told her I would do something with her tomorrow, instead (when she gets off work). So then my parents left and I went outside and smoked a cigarette. Kim scareed the shit out of me when she came, done with her driving lesson. finally, Graham got here and we left with him, to go over to Tiffany's. It was awesome...we smoked up, Pat had some vodka there...he gave each of us a shot and then I stole the bottle from Kim who stole it from Pat to drink some and then stole some more when he was in the potty room. Then, fucking, this girl came...her name is Brenda. She brought that Evercreast shit or whatever...fucking 200 proof, 100% PURE ALCOHOL. There wasn't much, but you don't need much of that shit to feel it. Man, I fucking would know. She took a shot with Tiffany, Kim and I. That shit BURNS, man...damn. Like 10 times worse than vodka...and I felt it. Fucking, after a worth of about 4 vodka shots and one shot of evercreast, I was done with my alchohol for the night. Mr. Remsing talking about being fucking careful with that shit because it's so strong, and it is...I felt it immediately. Cool, though... So then I just sat back, played some Uno, listened to some music, smoked up once or twice more, and smoked about 6 cigarettes. Dusty was there, he's pretty cool, pretty funny. He goes to Preble, like me, poor guy. He fucking, it was hilarious. He was smoking one cigarette and then lit another one with the lit one and then was holding two before he passed one to me...he was drunk, though. Pat was actually pretty funny tonight. Could have had somethign to do with the fact that he was pretty drunk...but he wasn't being an asshole, we were laughing over Mr. Remsing. Tiff also seems really awesome, even cooler than I thought before. I was talking to her tonight, laughing pretty hard. Kim (the other kim, at Tiffs) is really extremely nice, she's pretty funny. Brenda is really cool, too. Oh, yea, and I met Gene tonight, too. Well, I think I met him once before, too, but yea. He's really nice too. Now, I'm here...At my house. In a dark computer room. I'm kinda depressed. In a pretty bad mood. It was fucking NICE to not think about all that shit for awhile...but I'm back home now, and it all comes back when I'm home. Kim is downstairs with Graham. I'm still fucking...I hate the word, but jealous. Kim keeps talking about how she is always talking with Graham and everything. And I never even see him, this is the first time I've seen him in like four days (discluding yesterday at the concert)...I'd like to sit down and talk to him. Really talk to him. And I don't want to do that when someone else is here...but Kim is down there now, I can't hear what they're saying, just muffled voices, talking, laughing...I hate being so far drown out, so far out of it...I really DO need to talk to him one of these days...he doesn't really have much of an idea about all the depression, cutting, all that. And I really think he ought to. I say that because it's important to know if there is a "depression case" in your family, especially immediate. Fuck, Jeremy was probably somewhat depressed at some point too, but mine was...different. I don't know...it just seems to me with me being so depressed, Graham should know...someday I should really tell Jeremy, too...but, we'll see when that actually happens. Man, cuz I fucking love just sitting there, smoking, not having a care in the world. Brenda asked me if Kim wants my brother...?! Life is so much better when I'm like this...and yet, I wonder...would it even be worth it? This life doesn't look up anywhere soon...I have moments of fun, but most of the time I'm dead to the world, even if I don't always act it. But I don't like being here. The only time I feel like I can even HANDLE anything is when I'm fucked up. So what's it worth to pretend like I'm not needing these things? I do need them, I need them in order to not want to kill myself every second of the day. Maybe I still think about it when I'm like this, but it's not constant, like when I'm normal. I'm not scared to die...I'm just scared of what I'd do to people. I'd kill them, it would be like killing them, if I was gone... Sometimes I wish suicide worked back when I didn't affect anyone by doing it...now Ama says she'd follow me, then Jada would, and Kim, and Matt, and then Jamie after Matt (Matt's words, not mine)...so that's like five people, right there...I coudl see it now: "Suicide trend goes up in Wisconsin" I don't want to see that...I want one person to die here...those other people are excellent fucking people...they are the best people I've met, the realest. I wouldn't have made it this far without them and I would never do a fucking thing to hurt them. They know that. I hope they do. I've never tried to hurt anyone and I always thoguht I did a good job. But I realized something, and it's part of the reason why I think that people would be better off without me. I realized... ...that I never hurt people DIRECTLY...but indirectly, I am always right there. I'm always right in the way. I'm constantly in Matt's way...I know that. In the way of a happiness that he should have. He deserves to have. Kim deserves happiness, and someone who can give it to her...I need to be not in the way. I just don't see my life being shared with someone...someone, special. And that's what I need. I need someone to comfort me on nights like this, for someone to just hold me and tell me that I'm not losin my mind. I will be sane again someday. I won't be thinking about suicide someday...but it's just so much there. Because I am insane...I have bene doing the most disgusting thing, most vile thing...I ahve a specified blanket, it's my blood blanket. The blanket I bleed on when I cut myself, I'm determined to fill it up. I'm disgusting,a ren't I? I'm insane. So much there and so much to say that I can't even say or do it.. So I'm going to go pass out now. - *Z* |
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2003 |
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the tears are warm and salty on my face and I'm slipping back where I always am. That numb place that leaves me so ready to just go through with it and push the blade down even harder its so cold in here, in this mind and theres so much to do but no time to do it i told kim about my suicide plan...i had it all worked out. all planned. it was either going to be right after washington d.c. or else if i got a release date for hanson's cd before march 31st, i was going to wait until a week after their release date...and it was all planned. it had nothing to do with anyone. honestly. it's me. its me taht is sitting here now, bawling my eyes out and you all need to realize that this is some kind of imbalance in me... i don't know what the balance isn't in...too nice, too compassionate, too much of something that just doesn't blend in well with something else that has made me this way. these things clash and the colors are bright but they fade soon enough to that dull color, where there is nothing left. so everyone go right on ahead...i'll catch up later. i've always seen it as my destiny to be alone and lonely and...i guess all the nights like these are just proof enough - they're warming me up for the rest of my life. if i even make it that far. i can't stand being this lonely, i really can't. i never will be able to. i'll make the best of everything i can, but its only worth so much...sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you love someone they're never gonna love you back. realizations. that's all it is. i treat people bad, push them away and that hurts more than anything else and so I guess i deserve this. i did something wrong, this life isn't right but i can't change it. if you listen to the music long enough, it becomes embedded. like memories, they become embedded. like anything, it can all be embedded in a memory, a piece of your mind that is destined to forget, but you'll never get to that point where you can just forget it. because i've been there. am i. Time for a long night ahead... i need them all more but i'm afraid because i'm just me and they don't need me they have everyone else so i won't let days pass me by where i sit back with regret get things done i'll be there i'll be ready i'm so close i'm so far but i'm always there over the stars - *Z* got a little black book with my poems in Got a bag, toothbrush, and a comb When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone I got elastic bands keeping my shoes on Got those swollen hand blues got thirteen channels of shit on the TV to choose from I got electric light I got second sight Got amazing Powers of observation And that is how I know When I try to get through On the telephone to you There'll be nobody home I got the nicotine hundred squares And the inevitable pinhole burns ... I got nicotine stains on my fingers I got a silver spoon on a chain ... I got wide staring eyes And I got a strong urge to fly But I got nowhere to fly to Ooh, when I pick up the phone There's still nobody home I got a pair of Gohills boots I got faded old roots... |
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2003 |
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I just, I'm half still feeling a buzz here from earlier in the day today and I'm not really in any mindset to be completely normal right now. But I am half down here, but that half has quite a few lingering, evil thoughts. Kym, honestly, you know I love you. And I wanted to surprise you so badly and I wanted your whole day to be wonderful yesterday...so I'm sorry I was so persistant in finding out whatever it was that you didn't tell me; the part that Ryan didn't tell me about. But I'm not going to make you tell me. I can't make you want to be close to me, and I can't make you feel like I want you around, and close - no matter how much I tell you that I *do* want that...but I'm not going to try and force secrets out of you...if you don't want to tell me something, I guess I won't bring it up all the time. Feel free to just tell me someday, but it was pretty obvious to me last night that you didn't really want to tell me. And you said I wouldn't let you forget, but if you want to, go ahead. Because I can't make you tell me and I really don't even want to know what it is if you are so reluctant to tell me...I'm not trying to go on and on and on about it, I just want to make sure you know what I'm saying. I want you to be close, but I also want *you* to WANT to be close to me. And things like that, you just can't force, so I won't. I just had to get that part out, and now this...I don't want you to pull away and I don't think it's a good idea for you to do. But I just want you to know that I don't really tell anyone else everything...you're the only person I talk to very often, except I talk to Matt. But I don't know, we havne't really become that honest face-to-face yet. So if you retreat, then I guess I do too. Because there is no one else that cares like you do...but that is all your choice, I guess. I really need to clean my room yet and I need to do some studying and shit...so, yea. quite a bit to do. It's already 7:00. But I just took a nap for like and hour and a half, so it's all good for right now. I'll probably be up for awhile. I have this weird cough in my throat, I think I may be sick - a cold or something. I hate colds. Whatever. Well I'm going to go shower now and do something that needs to be done...lots of things that do...*sigh* long night ahead, I do believe. - *Z* |
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For the longest time I've dreamed of someone finally realizing how madly in love they are with me...that I am perfect and flawless for them. I never saw the persons face, but it never really mattered. We weren't together, but I knew he loved me, and I just felt that much better because through all my scars and tears and fuck ups - I was perfect to him... Last night my only dreams were me; alone. I've finally realized no one will ever do that...no one will ever just fall madly in love with me. Things like that just don't happen to me. - *Z* |
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Blurty for *z*.
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lonely.
thoughtful.
pissed off.