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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
blacktongue's Blurty:
| Saturday, May 9th, 2009 | |
| 3:15 pm | I feel like it's an appropriate time to update this journal that I'm not all that in interested in updating anymore. Okay, so I stopped counting down the days until summer because I wanted to resist them. I got really depressed the one weekend here in New York when it got really hot because it just reminded me what was wrong in Florida. Which isn't to say that everything is dandy in NYC (hence the weekend depression bouts), but at least I was left alone. No, I thought of the hot laziness, the weight gain, the zombie routine, the sadness at night, the fights with my family, the depressing nostalgia.... i began to see NYC as my therapeutic playground. I miss my friends and family back home, but I think a concentrated month will do me good. Not four months. Plus, I'm leaving a lot of great stuff in NYC. I'm going to miss some of my friends, some of whom I'll get to know better next semester because of classes and housing arrangements and whatnot. If I could be less annoying and more productive with them, I think I could really have something good with them. I'm going to miss film shoots, which is what I did a lot of during the month of April (which resulted in my preference to write in my journal, and I'll continue that, thankyouverymuch)... But I'm not going to miss Ben. Haha. I mean, I think I will, because he seems like he could be a cool friend, but since I'm pretty sure that he doesn't have a thing for me (despite us hanging out a few times... yeah, srsly), I'm avoiding another annoying depressing summer with an unrequited infatuation, especially since it's sincerely not THAT bad. I mean, I hung out with him alone a lot, I REALLY wanted to do him (dude, i'm serious, haha), and I wondered a lot about him... but he's okay, only because he probbaly thinks I'm just okay. We're okay people. Still, I hope I can work up my summer to be a meaning precursor to the rest of my life, starting with the new semester. I want to work more in film production and post-production, so I dream of interning, and I want to work on my personal ambition to be an ace filmmaker. In more personal aspects, I want to learn to be happier and less depressed, learn how to be intimate with a guy (although I'm back to my "I kinda want to keep my virginity a li'l longer" phase), and I want to look good. HOTT. HAWT. I'm going to wear more dresses, eat less like a fucking pig, and be more active. What's my motivation? It's people here that I'm starting to love. It's the city. Wait, that's not my motivation. Just saying that kinda staled on me. But I am working for myself. I want to come back in the fall, walk around, and not feel like an anxious git like I'm so used to feeling. My happiness will come, it just needs to feel bigger than my anxiety. Current Music: sex on fire.kings of leon |
| Sunday, March 22nd, 2009 | |
| 3:39 pm | okay i just found out that I got a D in my bilingualism midterm. I don't understand... I thought I would do decently. I need to talk to my professor, even though our conversation will make no sense. I need to become a monk and not give a shit about anyone else but just my work. Just this semester. I hate that class. |
| 12:40 pm | not fair... I met a cool kid named Ben on a student film we both worked on. I was Sound, he was a Grip, but he taught me what I needed to know. That was Monday. By Friday afternoon, I was nervously sleeping on his shoulder on the final car ride back to the city. Yes, yes... I like him. And I don't see a lot of wrong in that. It made me happy to look back at him during the downtime and he would look back at me, and I could actually hold eye contact for exactly two seconds before I turned away. He teased me and I teased him back. It was pretty nice. So naturally I'm stuck and disappointed that the shoot's done, because I can't see him anymore. He's not going to call me or message me or anything. And I know through personal experience that if I tried to do the same, it never, ever gets reciprocated. I'm a little frustrated. I won't get what I want. I told Emily that I liked him, and I completely forgot that she was our mutual fb friend, so she must have worked on a shoot with him. So she knows who I like, and I dunno, hehe. Still don't know, because I broke my own rule. I didn't want to tell everyone and then get "helped" out, only to somehow (through a comedic but misunderstood faux pas) creep him out. But what do I do? Everything I do leads to a dead end. Is this sincerely because of the flaws of my character or because I don't unleash enough potential, effort, and bravery to go through with it all? When I try with guys, what am I doing wrong? I'm sometimes aware of what I do wrong, but at the same point I don't know what I'm missing. I wish I had some good insight to this. This confuses the hell outta me. And I'm pretty sure that while I sit and think about it, Ben won't think anything of it and my crush on him will have to go away. There are two sides to my passivity and activity. I want to let this pass because there are a few similiarities when it comes to bonding with him and bonding with Jeff. We both really started talking when we talked about music and eventually traded lists of bands with each other. (ahem) that's what I did with Jeff. Also, we are officially in spring. Again.... (ahem) it'll almost be a year that I met that asshole. In order to avoid having another year of not feeling like myself, I can't, I just cannot let myself try to drag this convoluted idea that he likes me as much as I would. Dragging it along picks up these bad feelings and it makes me more and more stupid until I just decide to stop doing it all together. And the music... I'm so so so tempted to find the things he recommended me and upload my favorites and stuff, but I'm afraid to. I don't want weezer to be ruined for me if something crappy happens. This is no joke. Now I feel seriously uncomfortable when I listen to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova's "Falling Slowly" because of Jeff. Plus, I cannot listen to my own songs specifically to remind myself of him. That stuff gets tainted, too. Kings of Leon's "Milk"? Same as "Falling Slowly". So there's a lot I shouldn't do. And there will be horrible irony if Ben did like me back. But at the same time, I know he won't do anything. Just the fact that I utter these words tells me that. I want to hope and ride the good endorphins I had when I thought about the flirting and stuff. However I know what will follow suit. I'll just be disgusted that I'm that lovesick. Hmm now that I think of it, I don't think he really likes me anymore, if he ever did. Maybe it was just a film set thing, being around a small group of people for hours and hours at a time. Hmm. Whatever. If you'll excuse, I have stop feeling drunk. |
| Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | |
| 12:10 am | i need this for my records :) Date: Mar 5, 2009 12:00 AM (shit! right on the dot!) Subject: some things are better left unsaid Body: I will delete you from my myspace (both personal and filmmaker pages), and anything else that we might be friends on. And don't you worry-- I will not come back with a guilty friend request. I'd just rather not continue playing a stupid fool. For the longest time I haven't been acting like myself and that makes it all the easier to hate myself. I re-added you because I missed your friendship and your conversations dearly and I was hoping we could somehow resurrect the better times that I knew you.But, I made a mistake here, thinking that I could seriously hold onto to something that has since come and gone. That definitely staled everything. A wiser person would have let it all go, because living in the past is the lamest and most pathetic thing to do. Also, what's even more lame is liking someone whom you've never met for almost a year now. >.< So now I can tell that I lost your friendship indefinitely. It sucks because I was awkward as hell and so I tripped it all up sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidently. And, judging by your inability to reply back to me, I can tell that you've had it with me. I don't even know why you accepted my friend request. You should have just rejected it. I can say now that I've fucked things up and I'm ready to move on. I've made my mea culpas, but I haven't quite gotten the closure that I believe I deserve. But whatever. Better that time helps me heal and stuff. Thanks for the memories, sorry for the inconvenience, and yeah... fuck you :/ -Jackie |
| Monday, February 16th, 2009 | |
| 2:20 pm | somehow I'm aching to write, but I dunno what. I think it's the novelty of being at a nice desk like this, but my hands won't really do anything in conjunction with my mind. My hands hurt from the refreshes of facebook, while my brain is warm and soft from looking at the same monotonous thing. Now that I think about it, maybe a nice, long break from computers will keep my fresh. My hands can rest and recover; my mind can venture to new places. I want to experience more of my life, but what keeps me from it is that I know how I am. It's never very pretty. I am not socially graceful, and I keep making one faux pas after the other. I'm going to say that I'm nearing my end with this journal, since it has been littered with pages and pages about one man who will never give me his attention. I spent a lot of time searching his online habits to see what made me like him so much, but he changed as I changed. I can't go back to what i was almost a year ago when I met him, but I can move past the worst parts of me, brought on by the obsession to keep him close to my heart. I've written all I could about Jeff, hoping that the words on screen spell out a way to make me happy, but with him still in my life. It wasn't going to happen, it seems. So with the realization of his neglect to what I innocently wanted (his friendship, above all), I move on. I can't move any further, even if he complies. I've gone through a lot to try and try again at his friendship, and it's left me tired and torn. I concede, Jeff. I'm taking back my heart. |
| Monday, February 9th, 2009 | |
| 12:18 am | I am getting over you. It's ridiculous that I've dragged this dead body of a "connection" for this long. It was great while it lasted. |
| Sunday, January 25th, 2009 | |
| 12:36 am | next year i want to find myself an antisocial dorm with awesome people. I just don't want to be here, not when i think a good majority of this entire building is lame. It's probably an equal thought, because i'm lame, too. But fuck, man-- these people are so super lame. It's all in my opinion, obviously. Yet I don't need to validate it to anyone but myself, because this just shouldn't be a place i should hate. I like it when it's quiet, when i can roam it silently. But damn.... the people. Blah, fuck bottled up emotions. |
| Sunday, January 18th, 2009 | |
| 11:53 pm | that's it. I need to brain wash myself. I need to go to the clinic in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and zap out the parts of the brain that remind me of Jeff. I want him gone. GONE. I want no remnant. I want no hope. I want to demolish that naive thought in the back of my head that says something great will happen between he and I. I have to remember that it WON'T. It's only a figment of my imagination. I want to forget him so bad... you have no idea. It'd be amazing to go a day without him on my mind, and feel more free. God, you don't know how much I'm craving the idea of making him leave my mind. |
| 10:51 pm | obsessed with human connection like its a poster on the wall He won't reply. I tried to explain, but a day later it seemed too limp, even forced. But the truth is I don't want to sound so passionate about it because I'm pretty sure he's already convince of how much of a loser I am. So he's never going to reply. He's never going to let me try to be his friend again. :/ Current Music: we're gonna groove.led zeppelin |
| Tuesday, January 13th, 2009 | |
| 2:06 am | i wrote to jeff a few days ago, just a tad tipsy, but all together sober enough to feel rational about it. I said only one line, proclaiming that I was missing talking to my friend. From then on I stood by this message, keeping my hopes locked firmly in the far reaches of my mind to avoid obsessively checking. one cardinal rule? Do NOT read the status column, which proclaimed if the recipient replied, read, or hadn't read it. I broke it today and yeah, hmmm.... "read". How much more am I going to go ahead and let myself be treated this way? And more to the point-- how much more am I going to allow myself to play these games? I'm just as guilty-- deleting, adding, drunk messaging. They are clear signs of change, and a change I had not anticipated. I was playing a game that I lost but refused to admit. No wonder he never replied. I wouldn't deal with a fussy bitch like me either. |
| Monday, January 12th, 2009 | |
| 1:42 pm | my sister told me that an ex boyfriend of hers became a model, and a damn goodone, too. All I needed to do was google his first name and "model" and that's all I needed to find the damn Frenchman. I browsed his photos right quick and damn he looked good... but I know that he's a fuck up for messing with my sister's feelings. So knowing that took off his attraction, and I felt sad about it like she would feel. God help me if someone as handsome as he dates me. I'll totally get a broken heart. |
| 12:02 am | oh man oh man you can do what you want I can't wait for classes but I dread seeing the people at NYU. That is so weird to me.... I'm going to need a lot of alienation tactics so I don't end up practically suicidal. And let me scratch out the people part. I do miss some people, but others I'll just never be prepared to see again-- like my roommates, even Stephanie. The latter because while we are close, I just don't want to build myself to be this pissy bitch. I think we both have these expectations to embody the friendships we've gained in high school. Her hopes get crushed when it doesn't happen to me, and I get really annoyed and on edge when it doesn't happen to her. It's a horrible thing that's been put on the microscope because we hang out too much by ourselves, but we are each others' refuge from the stress of just experiencing the presence of our roommates, who don't quite appreciate us or even just make things as calm as possible. Whatever our roommmates' do is something of their own business, so we can't tell them to just shut the fuck up and stop being so fucking petty because it makes us both so neurotic. Neurotic. That's the word. My roommates make me neurotic. -sigh- I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm counting the days that it'll be summer and I'll be excited to not see them. When I think about it, every school year has had its people that I've deperately wanted to avoid and it drives up a deep enough cliff that countdowns litter my mind. The only time that didn't happen? Senior year. I wanted to get away from academics, but I felt so at ease with my friends that I never wanted to leave school. Jesus, please. Please let 15 weeks go by with good news and no trouble. I just want to breathe easy at home, even if it means that I'm out of breath in school, just so long as I accomplish what I want out of this year without the hassle of a contemporary drama. |
| Sunday, January 11th, 2009 | |
| 11:29 am | my stupid dad He's in the hospital for his blood pressure. Too high or too low, I don't remember. In some minutes I've got to visit him. Of course, I don't want to because I never want to see him and he'd rather see my sisters. If he took better care of himself, this wouldn't have happened. The asshole. Most people hate hospitals, and I'm one of them. And I can't work well in them because I become so distanced there, like I literally have no soul. It comes from always having to visit my grandma on my dad's side, whom I wasn't a fan of anyways, but it was always an awkward pairing when I had to be there with her. We had no motivation for conversation, and the tubes and all were too scary for a young girl. I never tried to think of it when I saw her, but by the time she had passed and I went to the hospital for other people, I realized that I just tried to think of nothing. I walk, I smile, I fidget, but I'm so not there. I feel no emotion, no compassion when i have to help in some way. This is another sign of the lack of soul I have, and the selfishness that is tied to it. The only solution I see for now is to just not wonder about it outloud. I won't try to fall into some verbal trap so that my sister can call me out for being a brat. I don't want to sound selfish, so I'm just going to act inanimate. |
| Saturday, January 10th, 2009 | |
| 7:39 pm | i wonder... .... do i worry too much or not enough? Current Mood: anxious/good Current Music: out of gas.modest mouse |
| Wednesday, January 7th, 2009 | |
| 11:32 pm | if I believed in new years resolutions 1. get over jeff by march, which would be one year of knowing him. 2. Get with hot crush from hometown job. YEAAAH BOYYYYY :| 3. Be nicer to Stephanie from NYU 4. study more and remember that it can kinda be fun because it's not crappy science or math 5. get a job 6. save earnings from job to help pay tuition 7. save some money for three to four month storage in the summer 8. be nicer to my family 9. shave like i'm going to impress someone 10. lose weight :P fuck that shit 11. don't get into bitch fits with roommates (good luck) 12. commit to making more friends 13. uninhibit self to make interesting projects for film school 14. keep in contact |
| 11:31 pm | phuck Why did I add him to my new myspace? And why didn't I do it earlier? |
| Tuesday, December 30th, 2008 | |
| 12:45 pm | I am a locked-up fuck-up. |
| Wednesday, November 19th, 2008 | |
| 1:22 am | so... i come coming to terms with this, over and over. and then i don't. I dunno why i cling so tightly to my two weeks of fun, intense, amusing, dramatic, passionate conversation with jeff. it dwindled and became nothing. why can't i accept that? I used to joke with steph and said that i would have an emotional fling with jeff so i could get over erik. well it kinda worked. I felt so emotionally attached to him and i couldn't even stand erik anymore. I wanted him gone, even on the day of our prom. It seems to me that Jeff knew that the deeper part of our connection had an expiration date, and i'm still having a hard time learning that myself. when i talked to stephanie here in school, she told me something that i could completely understand, although not in a sexual way. I experienced something i had never had before... such a strong bond. however, i lost it and i don't want to keep missing it. so that's why i dragged it out with jeff for as long as i did. but it was dead and i hated it the disappointment so i politely ran away from him because i didn't want to explain myself and i didn't want such an easy convienance to him. now what keeps me from getting back to him is this social problem of me deleting my old myspace and making a completely new one that didn't include him. it'd be too weird because i was weird about it. it keeps me from saying stupid shit to him, but it doesn't keep me from checking his myspace everyday to see some glimpse into his life. he must have so many profile views because of me. I have this tiny little window so that i could know. he got a job... and i'm glad for him. i remember when he got a job in kroger and he said that he thought it was weird because he wanted me to be the first to know. i wonder if it's the same at all now. honestly... honestly... i didn't want to be obsessed. i feel like he's so strong my emotional memory, but it's weird to think of him with a face. this is so hard. i swear to you, this could have been remedied by some kind of verbal closure with him somehow. i've officially gone seven months with him on my mind, and it drives me crazy, and it makes me lonely. i've never felt more heartbreak than before i met him. |
| Sunday, November 16th, 2008 | |
| 3:44 am | dear you, how can it be that i'll have a really cool and chill night and then when i come home all i want to think about is you? none of my friends make me depressed when i get home, they just make me pleasantly nostalgic or excited. but you... your absence in my life, but the presence of knowledge of knowing you're still roaming somewhere makes me so sad, because i desperately wanted back your friendship, but too much got in the way and it never helped me get over liking you. fix this, please? |
| Saturday, November 15th, 2008 | |
| 4:54 pm | I feel like stephanie and i are waiting for a major fail that will involve me to never see DTMT in person again. But I still advocate asking and doing these weird things. I don't know why... I guess I want to take a risk in something that I probably won't care about later. Why's this? It's because stephanie and I asked pat flat out that we wanted to smoke weed with him and blaine. He responded like a politician, it was sick-- talked about karma being a hookah bar and just saying nothing about his interest in this. I responded saying that the guy we bought from rolled it into a joint with a lot of care. he took 11 minutes on that shit! I dunno, I don't feel like playing games with them, because I can imagine that they don't want to play games with us. They're weirded out because we're college girls who don't have anything better than to go to these late twenty-somethings' comedy shows and drink with them. I wish we could throw the excuses and the humor for a second, and tell them that we're intrigued by them, we would rather be hanging out with them because we saw nothing interesting in our peers. I'm sorry my methods of going about this are a little weird because they're inexperienced... I just wanted to dance to a different drummer. Today's gonna be a fail with them, but today better be awesome because I still wanna smoke that shit. |