Date:	2005-05-04 02:30
Subject:	Youth at Diposal
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Papa Roach ~ Not Listening

Sleeping by candle light
Is like never leaving the fight
Its still there when you awake
Never gonna break

Staring you in the face
We are starting to keep pace
Can’t get rid of us

We are the youth of today
And you will listen to what we have to say
Shouting out our minds on paper
Taking things that you pay for

This bloodshed is not on your hands
Shipping us out in bands
Of troops as young as we are
We will fight so hard, so far

When we hit ground at home
Appreciation will be shone
Lives will have been lost
But never forgotten

//b//

Date:	2005-04-14 00:09
Subject:	My up and comings
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Hoobastank ~ Reason

I see my up and comings
And the are coming up around the bend
Up a hill and around the corner

It’s crazy
It’s beautiful
Seeing the sun coming up the night before
It’s like looking through the most opaque of blockages

I thought for a brief moment that this tiredness would kill me
I thought for a moment that I’d stop and slide down this hill
Bloody hands holding my head up
Scarred elbows resting completely on knees that have been dragging for some time
A broken man will finally get his

Taking that first breath of salvation
Finally looking up at the sun
Is like starting over for the first time again

My ups are here, solely due to my downs
I’m coming into the sun, thanks to all I’ve been through

Date:	2005-03-20 11:18
Subject:	Night Sky
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

As the sun makes its decent into the horizon
Gone for now
The stars slowly peek out of the night sky
There is something in the air tonight
The stars are shinning differently tonight

Standing in my room
Alone
Again
I flick off my lights
One by one
My room darkens like the sky itself

My shades draw to a close
My mind starts to drift
Yet my heart is still

Though the night sky hints at something beyond the obscurity
It is hard to see through these curtains

So tonight I lay my head on my pillow
Knowing there is something to come
But unable to clearly find the idea

You are out there
And I will find you someday

//b// ‘05

Date:	2005-03-14 01:40
Subject:	Time Travel
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

A whole in the script of life
It can be created
Can’t it?

If something can be formed, it can be deformed
Go to the deserts in Africa
Go to the Grand Canyon

You will see just how much form can be shaped

Come to me
Talk with me
Be with me

You will see just how much we can be shaped

In the infinite possibilities of the universe
There is so much out there to be found
Much like our minds
So much to be found

So tonight when you look up at the sky
See that star?
The one that seems to be shining right back at you?
Know that that is me looking up in the sky, looking for you.

Date:	2005-03-01 15:51
Subject:	dribbling thoughts of the heart
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

so lately i've been thinking...mainly b/c i have had alot of free time.

i've been thinking about why it is hard for me to find someone
i guess im just waiting it out for that one person to get into my path.
some say im picky, i say they are right.

i don't have a type
i don't date the same type of people
the last 3 girlfriends i have had have been NOTHING alike.

i think each time i get out of a relationship i change, somewhat..
im still the awesome person i have been since conception, but each time i think that i am able to narrow it down.
so what are the changes for next time?

trust.
not that it wasn't one before, i just took that specification for granted b4 hand and it was just me that did.

im really an independent person, but...
its always good to have someone to turn to..at anytime of the day or night.


oh well...till then, i'll survive.
it might be tomorrow
it might be years from now.

but when it is, it will be.

later.

Another story picks up on the road
A dusty path where we see a man, sorta
We see this figure stumbling along a lonely road
Should he pick him up?

On with the story
Covered in filth from passing cars
Soot and dirt in every crevice.

Just pass by right?
Judge by a glance
Tell those with you about him
Without knowing a word

He’s a bad man
No one would be out here unless they did something to be out here
He’s a bad man

Accelerate past him and the dust will go away
Along with any thoughts of the stranger on the side of the road
It’s what you wanna here, isn’t it?

I could have told you about….
How he got there
Who he is
Why he is out here, alone

But that isn’t entertaining enough

So leave him where he is
This way you will be content

Just pass by

Date:	2005-02-18 19:31
Subject:	This could have been about alot of things
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed
Music:	Mudvayne ~ Goodbye

This could have been about a lot of things
But its not
This could have been a story of overcoming substantial odds
But its not
This could be a tribute to those who have struggled through everything and made it
But its not

This is for those who have failed
Lost
This is for us who have aimed at the bulls eye and hit the wall at full force

What is in store for us who have what it takes to be great, but aren’t recognized?
Greatness? No.
Success? No.
Then what?
Meritocracy. Probably

So many of us stand in a well
Hands reaching for the sky
Lungs gasping for fresh air
Eyes locked on the sky
Only to have the cover slid over the top, to be sealed in.

This is not a story
This is not a tribute
This is a wake up call

For everyone who knows one like I
One who can do so much
Does do so much, but falls just shy of being seen for it

I have toiled over so much in my life
Beaten my brains in for days upon days

My well is tattooed
Tattooed with my scratches, all towards the top
My nails have broken off I have tried so hard and came so close
But down I slid, in pain, in agony.

So here I lay, just like always
Head in hands
Elbows upon my knees
In the darkness of my own failures

Waiting

No writings today

Just random thoughts

So I'll start with positives, b/c there are so few.

This weekend (thus far) has been really good to me. After working most of the day friday, the guys and I had one HELLLLLL of a party. whoa...filled the entire house up really well. Not like last time, no fighting/kicking out of any sort. All of my friends where there, minus a few fuckers! I finally met a few ladies that I've been dying to meet up with and hang out with...shy as they were they still seemed to rock! Hit up Jay's with Evan, Mike, Andrea and Vanna, then went home and slept really well :). Saturday (today) I didn't do shit, and I planned it that way. With finals week coming faster then (insert sexual joke here), I needed a day to just clear my head and relax, so I did.

Negatives:

Week 10 is basically here. I started the 1/4 knowing I needed to pull a GOOOD GPA (shot for all B's), and its becoming painfully clear that those B's will not B arriving. So now I am left with a struggle to the finish line for C's. (notice the race reference? man i love cars!) I still have yet to find a co-op or any type of lead on one, so I got MORE shit to do this week.

actually...fuck this, I don't wanna think about all this crap that I KNOW of, I'm just gonna leave ya'll with this: its not all peaches and cream in my world right now, School might have to go away in my pocket for a bit.....or I'm moving to CA. Not a pipe dream, school in CA, yes...its my fallback plan.




.....someone please come make things better!

Date:	2005-02-10 09:30
Subject:	Nothing
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	Bloodsimple ~ Blood in, Blood Out

In a world of everything
I seem to hold onto nothing
…to have nothing
…to be nothing

the rotting corpse of this existence is starting to become
to become a tainted piece of meat left on the floor

vampires and surgeons are the players in this game
they take whatever with no consequences
so now I lay here

full of holes and bloody
dripping from every cavity

shut my eyes
leave me be

for I have drifted off long ago

Date:	2005-02-09 13:03
Subject:	Sands of Time
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	Mudvayne ~ Happy

When all the sands of time
Come rolling down
All over me

Where am I now

Dust off myself
Rid me of this sand
Reveal me for who I am

Show my skin
See my pores dripping, seeping
With tumult

Beating faster
Pumping harder
I can’t calm this wave

It’s on its way

A forceful wind blows this sand from all corners of the earth
Now I’m completely naked
My truth

Sweat dripping off my chin
Breathing so hard
Eyes searching, scanning
….the far distance
….for

Lingering is not an option
Only for those who wait for nothing

I’m gone!

Date:	2005-01-26 19:05
Subject:	This old town
Security:	Public
Mood:	enthralled
Music:	Spiritfall ~ My Reason

Today I look back and see my bottled up town
So encased in its own happenings
No one looking outward
But me

Retarded, sick of it all, gasping for air
This shit town constricted my airways to the point of asphyxiation
This bottled up town was shaken, and I was about to burst

Once I escaped, the world was at my fingertips
I knew just what I had left; and didn’t look back, not for a moment

I do go back to that shit town from time to time
I go back and gain more meaning to my own life and my own goals

Pushed aside, looked down at, pained to no extent
This shit town dug into me with its hooks
It went so deep into me that I knew leaving would dam near kill me

Ripping this agonizing distraction-to-the-world out of my chest; I left
The moment I was out of its reach; I was healed

Each time I return, it tries to dig again; I can feel it
I am stronger then it ever thought now
Laughing at this scratching now

Scars healed, I grew, I left, I am …..

Date:	2005-01-24 23:05
Subject:	New Lease on life, and then some
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	Soulfly ~ Bleed

I have endured alot of pain in my life. Not the typical pain that most people complain about though. I have had my soul and heart torn out and scattered to the winds of the world. Each time I come back with a new found sense of self. While the wounds heal its hard to keep the innocent out; till this time. I have had my shit fucked with in a bad way and that has given me the hard outer shell so not to make this mistake for a second time.

This time is different.

I will just tread on like my life is wanting me to do, nothing will stop me, and nothing will bogg me down. If i fall its directally related to me and the desicions that I make.

Sorry ladies, but there is no rebound nothing with me. I know what I want and I am way too stubborn to settle for anything in life. I will get what/who I want in life if it means waiting around for quite some time. No I don't know what I want exactly, and I don't know WHO I want either...but these aren't things I can sit down and think about and figure out in a night. Time. Experience. These are what will reveal just what I want. So I have no choice but to just let life take its course and let all the time and experience widdle away at my answers till one day they will be in front of me and concrete.

goodnight

//brian//

Date:	2005-01-24 22:49
Subject:	Concrete Wall
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	Soulfly ~ Bleed

Concrete, I stand
Steady, my hands are

I won’t blink, I have my sights set
I will go through all that stand in my way

Pain, torment
Cuts, scrapes, bruises
Blood, tears
…they are all just byproducts

What goes around comes around
When I get what comes about, for me
I will be gone

Hitting walls with fists isn’t always meaningless
Pieces fall to the ground with each impact
Bruises form though
Choices are brought to my brains attention
Too late for the brain to have a say
I have laid my tracks

The wall will fall, and I will step through

Date:	2005-01-20 23:51
Subject:	Painting Myself
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable
Music:	Black Rose Diary ~ Track 11 (??)

If I were to paint a picture for you
What would you want to see?

What if I were to show you the inside
Could I paint that for you?

Would the darkest black be too depressing for you to see?
Would the red that I find suitable to depict my anguish be too much?

If I could paint this, would you want to hear the story behind it?
Behind me?

In the air swarming around me is the pungent stink of pain
Fresh from the winds of the fall past
Lingering around waiting for the next wind to take it away
So now it will stay

Within this painting, controlling this story…
Is love, is pain, is who I am

No you shouldn’t feel remorseful
For it has shaped me into the man that stands before you today
These blacks and reds that inhibit my body are my lifeblood
These scars and bruises are reminders, not reflections

So I ask once more…
If I were to paint a picture for you
What would you want to see?

Could I paint that for you?

Date:	2005-01-20 23:50
Subject:	For a change
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Deftones ~ Digitalbath

For a change…

This is my life and its passing second by second
And in a second
blink
breath
step
reach
look

So much, in such a small glimpse of time

This is my life and its passing minute by minute
and in a minute
full thoughts
touching a soul
breaking a heat
feeling sand between my toes
feeling the sun on the back of my neck
…..can occur

This is my life and its passing day by day, week by week, years in an instant

Date:	2005-01-20 23:49
Subject:	Unfinished Night
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	Deftones ~ Digitalbath

(no really..this isn't finished)

Tonight I feel like

Seeing something new
Feeling something else
Trying something different

I want to see the sun rise
I want to get the sense of accomplishment
I want to be happy

This is only tonight, but its now; right now

This is no ordinary night for me
this is a night of definition
for me
for myself and my soul

for we have much to prove
to ourselves and whomever doubts

Yes, the definition of the night will be….

Date:	2005-01-20 08:59
Subject:	Raing Betrayal
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	Slipknot ~ Wait and Bleed

Like being left out in the rain
Soaked from the sky
Alone with my shame
Walking back high

Headlights guide my footsteps home
Not a sound, not a sound
Along comes another without kindness shown
Choking on the darkness

Running through my mind
Is the thoughts of rage
Holding this book
I tear at your page

Now the ground holds what it said
No more thoughts of you
Never again will you be in my head
This space is mine

This space is for only the kind

Flying above the clouds doesn’t have the same effect this time
Every second, the plane falls
Every second, I just sit there

Landing back once again, in the rain
Holding onto this book, this pain
Squeeze it away so hard
That it precipitates into my hand

Now I stand in the rain with bloody hands
No
Not my blood
Not my life
Not mine anymore

Date:	2005-01-16 12:58
Subject:	No more of this...
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Green Day ... When I Come Around

Fuck the previous post.

Things are over, at least in one aspect of my life.

But that just means I can pay more attention to the parts of my life that actually deserve my attention.

Now I'm doing what I have to do up here in ROC to better myself even more. No need for petty stupid shit to get in my way, no need for endless nights of being 13 again. I'm old enough to realize just how better off I am in my current position then in my previous one.

I fucking rock! what can I say? I just do

But I gotta go get shit done today b4 I see the Pats game with the guys

/check ya'll lata/

Date:	2004-12-08 20:38
Subject:	is that a silver lining?
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	The Music ~ Turn out the light

well i think alot of bad things have happened to me in the last few weeks
alot of bad times

but i think they are either over, or i am in the center of the storm.

calmness is not comforting...but only time will tell where i really am.

im getting reperations from my break in, finally!
no more court appearances needed, finally!
school is looking "ok" this semester, finally!
my chicky and i are doing OUTSTANDING, again!

and ill be home on break, not in school...for TWO weeks, working and making money!!!


hopefully the storm has passed me by.

Date:	2004-12-08 20:38
Subject:	is that a silver lining?
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	The Music ~ Turn out the light

well i think alot of bad things have happened to me in the last few weeks
alot of bad times

but i think they are either over, or i am in the center of the storm.

calmness is not comforting...but only time will tell where i really am.

im getting reperations from my break in, finally!
no more court appearances needed, finally!
school is looking "ok" this semester, finally!
my chicky and i are doing OUTSTANDING, again!

and ill be home on break, not in school...for TWO weeks, working and making money!!!


hopefully the storm has passed me by.