Date:	2008-10-17 23:35
Subject:	Relationship (re)cycle
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic
Music:	Thrice ~ Around here

Relationship (re)Cycle



Everyone starts off single.
It’s just how we are.

For most; and for a while…we accept it.
Some of us even end there; live life as we are given life, as one.

The majority seek out another, and then another, and even some; another.
Looking for….?

Something specific, something ideal, or just something?
Some seek perfection.
You can always find this person, for they are always looking.

Let’s face it; a good majority of us don’t take too long to stop looking.
You’ve met one, good, thanks, game over sir.

These people are like freshly manufactured items of society.
Grown up, educated, employed, paired up…Next!

What IS next?

Just go into any suburbia in our country for the answer.
After being paired up, you continue to be employed and follow suit.
Who are they following? Is someone dictating their next move(s)?

Grown up, Educated, Employed, Paired up, Multiply

That is the next step. Bringing into this world yet another item for manufacture.

Some people get to a point; and they want off the societal train ride (read: wreck) and decide to go at it alone; again.

These people too are stuck; in a cycle.

They will fool themselves with thoughts of ‘happiness’ of their newly re-found statue in their world. Until…

The time comes; their brain tells them they have to get back into manufacture. The cycle continues.

Why does it feel so manufactured to me these days when I look at the world?
Everything seems too predestined. I want to step outside the lines; but I fear that I will only step into another.

Date:	2007-05-21 00:49
Subject:	Darwin Said:
Security:	Public
Mood:	drunk
Music:	slipknot: keep away

If I could be what you want
I’d be more than that

I could be above you expectations
I’d see them from above

I know what you need
I see what you want
that is me


I want to take you away from your life
and show you what you have been missing
what you really want

see the sky
hear the wind
live the dream

just sit
and listen
and feel
what I have to offer

the beat will not stop
for a life as vibrant as yours
and won’t hold for one like mine
we need to be side by side
to coincide
in order to survive

we are too perfect to split
to righteous to divide
its what we must do

Darwin said that the strongest must survive
we are what he wants.
the strongest
the smartest
we will be the future

we will be.

As the last sand falls from the timepiece
And the glass shatters on the cold floor
I find myself wading in stagnant water again

What was once a live and vibrant life
Has slowly came to a halt
Colors have faded into grays
And the warm air is raising the hair on my arms

From the depth of my soul I feel a shiver travel up my spine
It shakes the cold sweat off my brow and with the world stopped, and the air so silent
The sound of it falling pierces my ears and makes them bleed

Time comes and goes with little effect on me as I stand still
I slowly become aware of this
And start to realize a change has to be made

Anticipation has been growing within me for years
Energy has been conserved and is about to bubble over
No more time can be wasted if I am to exist

I put one foot forward and scream at the top of my lungs
The cold air shatters of grey and falls to the ground
The blue sky is now shown and my skin feels the warmth

No other step will be the same from now on

Date:	2006-05-10 06:54
Subject:	whew...
Security:	Public
Mood:	rushed
Music:	Taproot ~ Like

hey everyone.....

well i'm halfway thru week 9 of 10 and im spent. so much academic shit to do, including an oral report in an hour..haha..that should be fun.

i have to keep this one short as well b/c im in a rush and kinda hungry (im staring at food right now)

school is going just fine, this wasn't too bad of a semester.

social life is great...my friends are awesome. alot of them are going to be graduating in a few weeks. im gonna miss all of them a shitload, some more then others but that's how it is and i guess i'll cope.

i'll catch ya later....time to eat and go give oral (report)

haha

Date:	2006-04-30 01:21
Subject:	Weekend Update
Security:	Public
Mood:	rushed
Music:	silence. I love it sometimes.

Hey everyone.

This has to be short because I'm really fucking tired.

Last weekend:

Wedding, Batchelor Party, Chris really drunk puking on a limo after MANY lapdances lol. Shooting guns, BBQ, drinking MORE, wedding, awesome people, girls looking good (duh), all sorts of formalness....frosting penis'es on cars, 115MPH on the highway chasing an R32, bar, fun, food, WASTED, roadtrip. WOW. and that is the SHORT version.

This week:
LOTS OF FUCKING WORK. NO MONEY. Hunger Pangs. Losing 5lbs. Being alone alot more then I like....wtf? Two days straight of me being here at my place: solo. Anyone wanna hang out???

NEXT WEEKEND IS CINCO DE fucking MAYO: and this is going to be the best party fucking EVER.

If you thought the wedding weekend was interesting; just wait.

just wait.

Date:	2006-04-30 01:20
Subject:	Hope is a Miracle
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Godsmack ~ Hollow

Here I stand before you.
At the edge of this cliff.
Wind flowing through my fingertips…

I stand here asking for something to be resolved.
No food until this is settled.
I’m wasting
Wasting away…

As the hunger permeates through me
I shed my weight into the air
With a gentle breeze I wither away some more

This pain is overwhelming me and my body
I slowly drop to me knees
Hands on my knees, and head facing the dirt

The cliff is eroding and I can not move

My thoughts can not be forgiven
My actions will not be taken back
Set in stone is the past
Ever pressing is the present
Uncreated is the future

Right now however, is the moment I always live

The breeze gets stronger, the sand falls faster
I do not
I can not; move

Your back is permanently facing me
Will you turn before I fall?
Or will you turn to see me fall?

With my last scrap of life…
I look up at you
As I feel the cliff falls under my feet

Just as I slip
I swore I saw your shoulder turn…

Date:	2006-04-19 22:47
Subject:	a quick pitstop
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	NEW TOOL!!!

So this week in ROC is basically a pitstop between Boston, MA and Ashland, VA.

Last weekend I left on thursday to go home to MA. I had a really awesome weekend. This is how it went down.

Arrived mad late at home thursday night due to the retarded lack of detour signs in boston after dropping off some really fucking tall people haha. Ate some mad good chicken, did laundry and watched OC; yes i watch OC. Friday morning I rocked the powerhouse gym for about $15 worth of time (shits getting expensive). Went home, shit/shave/shower then off to the mall for a lunch date with an old friend. That was alot of fun b/c I really hadent seen or talked to her for about 3 years; lots of fun was had. Worked for the family bizz that night....always a trip doing that hahaha....home, sleep lots b/c the next day = total insanity.

Saturday went like this. Woke up, packed, left to go to Erica's. Set up a workout slash diet plan for her, b/c im that fucking awesome. Picked up Lauren and Kate. Went to "fire and ice" which was quite posssibly the best place in boston i've ever eaten; ever. SO MUCH MEAT!!! diddeled around downtown haahhvahhd squarah for a little bit. Went back to my sister's place and I started to drink....no one else. Around drunk o clock my other cuz jessie and her main man (and my twin) showed up to get drunk with us. I taught all of them electricity and asshole ( i think ). They hit the green for a little bit, i chilled outside.
...we decided its about time to start making our way to boston for DANE FUCKING COOK. im walking really slow and the girls (in heels are speeding). but its all gravy b/c eric and i stop at a booze shop and snag a pair of 40's for the train station, bad idea lol. i converesed with som eother people going to dane. i think i passed out for a bit on the train..mainly b/c i can't remember it. but all of a sudden i was in boston.

dane cook was simply amazing. i almost missed the beginning.....so i ran out to the third row....WASTED. the rest of the show was a blurr of me buying food, beer, pissing, and laughing my ass off. and then i realized how the cameraman was on my and my fam the WHOLE TIME! so im totally gonna be on HBO. :-D. went home, didn't pay the cabbie, ran into the woods, got home via the sister express.

sunday i had a family easter thingy...and i realized jsut how awesome my family is. i love you all. we rock!



dane rocks, my family rocks, i rock..s

Date:	2006-04-10 00:05
Subject:	How Insane things have gotten...
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	Isis - Syndic Calls

ABSOLUTLEY INSANE.

that is how i would be forced to categorize my friends and i.

this year has seen a large increase in the insanity of parties that we throw/go to/crash.

last year the 'norm' was just beer pong, asshole, and maybe someone would hook up.
this year; totally different.
this year the 'norm' is really loud music, table dancing, grinding, pole dancing, flip up, pong, straight arm pours, screaming for no apparent reason, NO PANTS, no clothes, nakedness, and someone usually hooks up. haha. oh that and we rarely stop partying before 5am. i usually see the sun then go to bed.

needless to say im really loving this. alot. i'm having a blastie blast blast!!! (to quote d. cook) hell last night had all of that and some more, and i wasn't even "shitfaced" like alot of people were....i proved my drinking intellgence and had a really nice (strong) buzz on from about 5-9 and from 11-5:30am....with a slight acapella concert inbetween; which was alot of fun. "take a look at my enormous penis" need i say more?

other things have changed too....not just the crazyness of the parties; the way everyone acts. oby isn't as crazy anymore (sometimes yes, but for the most part no), he still enjoys a good g.plate around 3am though haha. i've made alot of new friends this year and they are all so fucking awesome, im pissed i didnt meet them freshman year. i've changed a bit too, i've been on and off my "not drinking" kick due to the lack of beer funds and the increase in work that i do on the weekends.....so that's kinda different. i also layed down a law with myself that i wouldn't partake in any drunken hookups b/c its kinda retarded. [sure if your seeing a girl and you rock out and get drunk, then you hook up....yeah its cool THEN.] so i had to keep telling myself that...and did a good job. it was funny to see evan and a-box in the shower; but i had to pee. and then i fed evan a chicken finger, when he was naked, in the shower, with this girl, naked. haha. oh the fun we have.

well, good night.

This weekend has been the perfect blend.

Fun and Accomplishment....almost.


Its sunday morning at 4ish.....I've done ALOT from friday morning lab work to the gym to other shit.


Tonight was alot of fun. Party. Here. Beer, Music, Guys, Girls, Crazyness....

Man, I should just stop; right now.




I dunno....I'm totally sober..

any stupid ness or spelling mistakes are due to the lack of care or my lack of backspace pressing.


"whoooaa......amber is the color of you energy"

yeah im gonna listen to the rest of that.

night.

rock on world, because apparently I am too shy to do that for all....

Date:	2006-04-04 21:01
Subject:	Way too busy!!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Bloodsimple ~ Sell Me Out

My buddy James just said to me (or my away message) "dude its only tuesday and your THIS overworked?!"

Yeah; I am, and it sucks. Tomorrow is wed. and I am normally really flippin' busy those days. Tomorrow however is gonna be many much more busier. Here's a glimpse (b/c i know you wanna see)
8am-10am: Midterm
10am-2pm: in the MET building doing a Failure lab and an MET II lab write-ups
2pm-5pm: Doing an MET II Lab, wee!
5pm-6pm: Breathe
6pm-10pm: Failure Mechanics Class. (I hope we get out early so I can go see a movie with Dre)

Yeah its gonna suck. So that's why I'm leaving this passage pretty brief.

I have to go do something that will allow me to be SLEEPING within an hour.
Pills/Pot/Beer/Sex......b/c just laying there isn't gonna do it!
Pot (nope!)
Sex (nope!)
Beer (egh)
Pills (egh too)

Date:	2006-04-01 02:26
Subject:	What a lame day!
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty
Music:	Guano Apes: Pretty in Scarlet

Well today is Friday. It sure doesn't feel like it.

I woke up first at 6AM...on a FRIDAY where I dont' have any classes...what the FuNk?!?! I had some eggs and started to watch a movie; soon I was back in dreamland...having some interesting dreams.

I woke up second at noonish, and it was flipping NIICCEE out. So I was soon out at the 'Rex cleaning and checking out a few things.

Spent the rest of the nice part of the day out back relaxing. Wiffleball, Football, Golf; yaknow....man things. However after the sun hid behind the clouds and whatnot I became a social hermett (sp?). I have been napping here and there since about 8pm. lol. I only woke up at midnight b/c my phone went off a few times; silly girls. Its ok, you all rock :)

So now I sit and wait for the tylenol PM to put me back to shleep.

The rest of the weekend is gonna be kinda crappy...tomorrow im gonna lift and hit the bag; then buy good food and start studying; b/c i have alot to do. mainly failure mechanix shit....ahhh

I just want the next 2 weeks to go by fast and smoothly. Then I get to GO HOME!!!!! See ALOT of people I really want to see. Friends (old and new), FAMILY!!!, and of course DANE fucking COOK. Its gonna be an awesome weekend!

Thought of the day/night:
"Sometimes temptation is too much for one person"

Date:	2006-03-30 13:07
Subject:	As of late...
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Singing "Loser by Beck" in my head

Well I'm back.

In the past I used this soley for some writings of mine.

Not today. Today I'm just gonna tell you how it is; for me.

Lately I've been busting my ass off at school. I only have another year of classes/co-op and I can't wait for it to end; kinda. Today is my last day of classes and I have 3 days off....normally I'd be jumping for joy. However, not so much this time. This weekend I was supposed to go to CT with 8 friends and compete in a strong man competition; I broke my foot 2 months ago and am JUST starting to walk this week; fucking blows. I'll be here in ROC this weekend doing an ungodly amount of work, staying sober, and sleeping comfortably.

I'll be thinking of all the fun I had last weekend; soo much. Friday night party at my place was wicked loud and fun. I had to bascially stay away from two young drunk chicks that I didnt' really know....haha, NOT my type I guess. But it was lots of fun b/c I got to dance, rock out, and break up a fight. I was really hoping that the drunk kid would take a swing at me; its been a while since I have been in a fight :). Then saturday started off with a chill time at Andrea's then I went off to 164 and had a night of complete and utter insanity. Kegs, Rum, Girls, Dancing, Games, Pinata's. Whoo...when the party was packed they brought out the Vodka-filled-Pinata, and 3 people got to take swings at it while I did crowd control. Then I asked if I could take a swing.

Now if you know me, you'd know I was very happy when I was drunk, given a blunt object, and TOLD to break something. First hit = Broken vodka bottles and a leaky Pinata. Second hit = A severely broken pinata. God I rock.

The rest of the night consisted of me dancing with lots and lots of people of the female race, most of them friends. AT some point I took my shirt off and started straight-arm pouring beer into my mouth, and then I helped Matt have a beer. That put me over the edge, luckily T-bonz drove me home. Where I proceeded to get rid of my clothing and run about my appartment making a pit stop in Evan's bed where him and his chick BOX were....haha whoops. Then: shower, pee in bucket, sleep on floor briefly.

THAT was last weekend.

2 weeks and I see DANE COOK IN BOSTON!
3 weeks and I go to VA for CHRIS' WEDDING!!!

Oh man, then..THEN SUMMERR!! hello heat, warmth, beaches, and CO OP!!!!!!! aka $$$$$$$$$$$

So I haven't posted on here in a long time. Then tonight, BANG 3 postings. WOW.

Things have been really busy for me and I have felt many times i should post here b/c my feelings were going over the tip of my cup, but i had to drink them down.

I am in love.
She is amazing, but not here with me. :( yet.

I have waited for love before, this time; feels different. i have a short amount of time to wait until i know for sure IF it is indeed; different.

g'night ya'll.

Date:	2005-09-17 01:40
Subject:	Cosmic Winds
Security:	Public
Mood:	touched
Music:	Howie Day ~ So, So sorry

When your eyes open.
When you smile.
Even when I see your hair in the wind.
Time stops. Even if for only a moment.

Even though if feel undeserving of this, I won’t let it go.
I am a man that has been dragged through the mud by his heart,
Now full of dirt and pain; you find me.

What would bring such a shinning star out of the cosmos to my doorstep?
Are you a misguided angel?

I just want to spend my time in your presence, dancing; swaying to the moon.
If I could sacrifice the rest of my life, to see tonight’s full moon light your skin once more; my family would be one less.

The echoes of your effect on me have been engraved in my eyes.
So now everyday when I wake, it’s you that I see.

I’m sorry so sorry, oh so sorry

To be the one that has taken you off course.
So I will do everything within my power to hold you up high.
Back into the sky, where you came from.

Maybe one night, we will get the wind back
And we can both
Just float away
Back into bliss
Together

Date:	2005-09-17 01:39
Subject:	You are my storm...
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Thrice ~ Artist in the Ambulence

Staring out my window tonight
I see a storm on the horizon
Pounding rain soon is at my doorstep, with lightning at my neighbors’

Sitting on my bed I see all this power coming tearing, ripping through my street
Could this be more then just flashing lights and sounds?
Is this a precursor to something more?

Now I sit here with my hands waiting for my mind to say GO!
What can I say about this moment here?
What can be said about how my stomach churns?
I sit here, it sits there; waiting for a reason to GO!

Is this storm the moment that I’ve been waiting for?
As I take myself outside to cheer this powerful storm on,
I am taken too; by the storm.

I am struck in my back yard
Nothing taken
But something is given
Strength, and power.

I am on my hands and knees as I feel the last drops fall from the sky.
Scared and soaked I look up just in time to see the clouds break.

Now I am left with a feeling stronger then I started with.

Date:	2005-05-19 00:10
Subject:	The Magic of Summer
Security:	Public
Mood:	surprised

I remember sitting with you listening to music together
The sky so dark, the future in a thick haze
The soothing sounds coming from the speakers clear the haze away
If only for that night
If only for that night

The warmth swarming around us, keeping us locked in tight
The night’s darkness failed when you smiled
The radiance of the sun shown from every pore of your skin
At any angle I saw an angel

The times when beach sand was our common ground will never be forgotten
The smell of the salt water wrapped about our skin
The breeze from the corners of the earth coming just to make your hair move
It was all so perfect
It was all so beautiful

Nights spent sitting outside
Candles lit
Loosing control
I saw a star one night
It had such a glare coming right into my eyes; from yours.

Just to think of this warms me
Sometimes too hot
Sometimes I feel a burn

The world has made close to a full pass around the sun
We will all be closer to the sun soon
So will I feel the warmth yet again?

The magic of the summer.

Date:	2005-05-17 02:23
Subject:	Waiting to waste away
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	Allman Brothers~ Melissa

Is the wait a waste of time?
Is it the time to make the wait worth your life?
The time that we wait is the time that we waste.
If we waste the time while we wait, what will we be wasting?
A waste of time will surely be waiting for us at the end.
So why doesn’t one waste the time for the one that he knows it is?
Is the wait good enough to waste such time?
Will the time together be good enough to waste such a time today?
These things plague me on a second to second basis.

Will this wait be worth the waste of time waiting in time?
The time that is ‘wasted’, will it be rewarded in the end.
It will be worth the wait in the end, I pray.

Date:	2005-05-14 18:09
Subject:	The warmth again
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Santana ~ Love of My Life

Wait!
The sun is fading on the day!
Wait!
The clouds are rolling in with a storm on them.

As the golden sun fades beyond the horizon
We tend to turn on it and focus on the incoming darkness
What if just for once, the sun stayed over me?
Just this once, the warmth was stationed within me.

As I stand
And brush the dirt of my body
The sun could stay out
It would stay with me
There is no other feeling that I yearn for
Then warmth
The warmth you get when you are with that one
That one that makes you warm
From across the room or across the globe
To hold
To touch this person, ignites a passion every time

Wait!
Turn towards the sun!
Wait!
I think it is holding up in the sky for me.

Yes, yes it is.
Finally it has seen how to fix just one person
Just one person’s broken ways

The warmth has found its way back into my heart
Back into my life

Now I am to pray that it too; feels at home within my heart
Settle in, please. Take a look at what I have to offer
Everyday, every night; you will be loved
Everyday, every night; we will be close

I crave for this so bad that I fear one thing
The warmth burning me

Date:	2005-05-08 00:36
Subject:	Life. Death. Rebirth.
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Dave Mathews and Warren Hayes ~ Cortez the Killer

I started writing a poem today…

The leaves on my property are beautiful and full today.
Green with all the life the sun can give such a simple plant.
The wind blowing through them in such a way that the tree is dancing.

Yes, this poem was only started today; not to be finished
For I am; not finished

I have seen so much on my property.
The most striking moment was watching a dead plant; have its rebirth.
This was the strongest plant in my garden.
It sucked the marrow from the sun and soil.
Yes, this plant did flourish for quite some time.
Until its unforeseen demise.
The winter came cold and quick.
Catching its petals off guard, knocking them to the dirt below.
The roots caught the cold completely, icing up within mere seconds.
I awoke to see it dead lying on the bed.

My poem is never ending for this is why;

I saw the plant grow.
I saw it move towards the sun.
If nurtured by the sun and the rain; it will once again…be.
The earth has revolved back towards the sun, the rain has beat down on the soil.
The love and care will be the catalyst in which its life will be restored.
I will watch this plant.
I will care for this plant.
For this plant; deserves to live forever.
This plant lives forever within my heart.
I cannot let this plant die again.

//bjZL// May 8th 2005

Date:	2005-05-04 02:30
Subject:	Youth at Diposal
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Papa Roach ~ Not Listening

Sleeping by candle light
Is like never leaving the fight
Its still there when you awake
Never gonna break

Staring you in the face
We are starting to keep pace
Can’t get rid of us

We are the youth of today
And you will listen to what we have to say
Shouting out our minds on paper
Taking things that you pay for

This bloodshed is not on your hands
Shipping us out in bands
Of troops as young as we are
We will fight so hard, so far

When we hit ground at home
Appreciation will be shone
Lives will have been lost
But never forgotten

//b//