Le Craige

4:52pm: Haven't updated in a quite a while, probably because I haven't been online in quite a while. But, I suppose I should update on a good day, like today.

Today was, as stated above, good. I learned that there is a recorder family, so I can write a recorder symphony, and when I got home I opened all the windows, put on all the lights, jammed some DC101 (They're giving away Killerz tix!!!!!) and just kinda chilled. Some bad stuff happened, so I figured that (as Andy put it) "Life's a bitch, but it might as well be my bitch." Just because something bad happened doesn't mean I should allow it to rule my day/life.

Hmmm... alt. Prom party or not...?

8:12pm: Great job on the show everyone!!!!!!


That said... now what's REALLY at hand...

Moderation is something that, somehow, I forgot. Sorry, my bad. Many people already know I'm big on PDA, and I'm sorry if that offended you all. But what offends me is passive agression. People offended didn't say anything, acted like it was ok, then waited to get on their blogs to rant and rave. If you have a problem with me, FREAKING TELL ME!!!! And if it's a problem with me and Alli, DON'T JUST BLAME HER! I'm part of it too for christ's sake! We're not in middle school anymore, face your problems!

Now that that's out of the way...


*sigh* can't we all just relax and let go? Maybe listen to others? Maybe question ourselves? Maybe find that we are all infact, beautiful, but we keep tarnishing our images, like some penny throwing itself into the rain?

1:41pm: Haven't posted in a while... mostly because I haven't felt compelled to, and I've been busy trying to keep my head above water with HW. Arg. But now I'm here. Yay!

Playing at the party yesterday was awesome, we're definetly growing as a band, and our sound is maturing. Happiness! did yard work today... not happy.


At rehearsal, I feel somewhat... I dunno... unappreciated? Like, people around me are all being complimented on the finer aspects of acting... like reacting, facial expression and whatnot... and I've been doing that since forever and I don't get a single word about it, just notes on tightening up my diction, which I've already done, and if I did it anymore I'd be in a British accent and wouldn'tbe true to the play. Dammit. I understand how Carissa feels about Schrieber and piano, how it's just "Carissa's good, so we don't need to compliment her." But this seems a little different, like... instead of "Craig's good, we don't need to compliment him," it's just "we don't need to compliment him."

While I was having an angst bout during yard work, I realized something. A little while ago, I was told about something, and it didn't really phase me, but today, I was thinking and I realized "Shit, this really pisses me off!" I find it hard to imagine how you could possibly betray the past, the memory, in such a way. It just blows my mind. And even beyond the emotional interpretation of the moment, there's the sheer factual history of it that screams "STOP LYING!"


*sigh* I hate it when people slander me

7:00pm:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Much of a surprise? Not really

6:54pm: I'm back from my college visit trips now, t'was great, though I missed everyone. 'tis good to be back in Pville.

Here's the recap:
Tuesday: Drove to NYC, but only after being told that I'm being revoked of driving privledges for a week (starting friday) due to driving people on Monday, and coming back just before midnight. Oh well. As long as I can plead to use the car on Wed. for ballroom dancing, that'd be bearable. But anyways, NYC was cool! I saw Julius Caesar with Denzel Washington as Brutus. I was in the FRONT ROW CENTER!!!!! Denzel and the other actors were spitting on me, and I almost got Caesar's blood on me. The play had a more modern setting, which was cool, except for when William Sadler (actor for Caesar) had a scene where he was essentially naked... didn't want to see old man scrotum/ass. Then it was dinner next door at Cafe Un, Deux, Trois; and the cast came and had dinner there too, so we got to see them all again. But, I was closer to them when they were on stage.

Wednesday: NYU visit. 'tis a big campus, and I was a little scared at first, but then I noticed how close together the buildings are, so you really don't have to walk around much in open city. The dorms were HUGE! bigger than Stanford dorms, and all only had 2 people! WEE! only drawback is it's the most expensive school I visited. After the tour, we sat in Washington Park, watched a performer and a drunk guy who was insulting the performer, and then did a drunken dance. T'was hilarious. Then we had dinner in Little Italy, which was really freaking good like usual, and I brought a bunch of canollis back to the room for later. Needless to say, they were gone quickly.

Thursday: Drove to Philly and visited Penn. Dude, that college is so not for me. I can't see myself there AT ALL. Sure it was pretty, but I didn't feel like I belonged. Like, everyone there was going to be TOO smart for me, and I would either A) give up and fail; or B) Push to hard and burn out. 'Tis an Ivy League school, so I doubt I would get in anyway. Plus they wouldn't accept AP scores lower than 5s. BASTARDS! Then we left Penn and drove to Baltimore and ate dinner at the inner harbor. yay

Friday: Johns Hopkins visit. I think I found the school for me. It was so pretty, the campus was all georgian architecture like most southern schools. It was cool how it was in the city, but when I was on the campus, I completely forgot that Baltimore was all around me. There'd be so many things to do there, and I'm already thinking about possible research experiments that they could fund me for. I loved so much of it, like the fact that the first semester is Pass-Fail, and that I could intern at the hospital under a doctor in my freshman year. Plus, there's no CORE curriculum, so I can take credits to satisfy the diploma, and anything I want outside. YES! I seriously came away there ready to fill in an Early Decision application. I WANT TO BE AT HOPKINS!!!!

So yeah, then we drove home, and I'm here now. Mowed the lawn, opened up my mp3 player and loaded enough songs to completely fill the memory already (512 Mg). Tom is here, along with his Jaguar, which is amazingly pretty.

I really missed all of you. Kinda wish I could just go to college now, and take you all with me. But that's not possible, so I get to cherish all the time I have left (which is MUCH MUCH more than the seniors have). I'm gonna miss the seniors, especially Alex/Amy. Grrr, YOU GUYS CAN'T LEAVE!

*Sigh*

Wonder how Sam's trip is...

7:41am: Well, 'tis 7:42, and I leave within the hour to start my college visits. NYU first, Penn U second, and Hopkins third. I'm getting back on friday.

Yesterday was THE monday. To be honest, I was dreading it, because somehow I knew that it would be awkward and that it would be "let's see if we can make Craig cry" day, but it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Yes, shopping was very awkward, people were dishing out pointed glances for no particular reason, not really at me, but it was there. Found it somewhat annoying because the whole thing was supposed to be about togetherness, and there we were, constantly splitting up into groups.

Dinner was great though, I so love Red Robin.

Evening was... well... it was. It wasn't a Craig-emotion-bashing time, which was a relief, but most of the stuff talked about has been said before. I mean, I've got an active imagination, so once something is said, I can already get an idea of its degree... and most of the stuff said was trying to heighten/deepen the degree of the emotion. Not everything was something I knew before though, which was good.

But I'm glad I went nonetheless... we really needed that.

9:12am: Ok, so I'm now nursing an aching neck caused by so much freaking headbangning at Sam's. It was great! Mike is now officially the funniest man alive due to his masterpiece Peep theatre. RAR! I'm Ms. Higgins! Then we threw on some NIN and a strobe and fog machine and just rocked out. I was so in my zone, just completely stepped out of myself, not caring what I looked like, the scar on my chest, what people think. Just... moving.

Now my neck hurts, and my damn facial skin is dry so it's all peely and gross... arg. I should fix that before I go to Alli's today, whenever that is. So excited about spring! Sandals, tee-shirts, no shirts, whatever. It's all gonna be great! Plus, I finally have a way of making money, and will be starting after the musical.

Finally watched the U2 "Sometimes you can't make it on your own" video... reminded me of you. I hope you like your gift, and I hope you don't have it already. You prolly don't, because I got a newer version, but still...

"... and it's you when I look in the mirror,
and it's you when I don't pick up the phone.
Sometimes you can't make it on your own..."

6:48pm: So we kicked ass today at the band festival. We got a 2! YES! The cool thing was that I left the top joint of my bassoon at the school, so I had to play without it. So, every note I had to tune individually, but I still nailed my solos, and played every note, 'cept for the low Bb which I changed to be an octave up.

It's so rough seeing the same demons swooping in on the people I love. Though they may have different masks, their hideous laughs don't fool me. I can't fight them for people, and it kills me to know that. All I can do is fend them off, keep them from latching onto me. If they don't get me, maybe I can help give others the hope and strength they need.


Sam's party now... toodles!

7:19pm: The past few days have been... strange. I've felt oddly peaceful, could be from the Buddhist temple trip and Tai-chi. But I've been really... I dunno... compliant? Like, I don't like the situation, it hurts, it really does, but it needed to happen, and I'm looking forward at challenges to come, ready to face them with you, and with 5 others to back us up. Red Lobster last night, Bday shopping today, and Maroon 5 on the radio... I'd be a fool to say you're gone from me.

On my way home from G-town today, I couldn't help but think how strange of a hand fate has dealt to intertwine my life and the lives of three of the most important women in my life. Yeah, I actually am admitting to fate. How else could what's gone on in the past year have happened? In truth, I find myself extremely lucky. I mean, you three... god, how could I find enough in my soul to love you all, and how could I deserve to have love in return? Granted the love for each of you is unique, but they are alike in one aspect: Unconditional. Ok, maybe two... unconditional AND uncharted. It's love with no strings attached, yet deeper than anyone, not even myself, can find.


Sometimes, we wish for life to be simpler, or easier... but it's the complexity and overcoming of obstacles that make us who we are, and are the reasons for us to love eachother, and ourselves.

...Band Festival tomorrow...

9:03pm: The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug
-------
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
--------
Some things you shouldn't get too good at
Like smiling, crying and celebrity
--------


U2, definetly needed today. It may seem like we betrayed trust, like we're not friends. But we really did it because we love you, we want you to be ok. The problems are above all of us, and it's the only way we could help. We're not leaving you, though you may leave us. That's fine. U can hate us for a while... but we still love you.

7:47pm: So, I'm back from getting a new reed, because I was an idiot and broke my OTHER new one (DAMMIT!), and I also picked up a little something for St. Patty's day. Happens to fall on my favorite holiday, imagine that...

Dude, I've really got to shape up in math, like, super badly. I can't let my grade slip in that class, it's like, uber important. I know I can do it, I just fuck up.


I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
U2~ stuck in a moment

4:45pm: For some reason, I've become less and less gung-ho about each psych module. Starting from module 19, everything just went downhill, and I think I know why. Yay for introspection. Anyways, I'm now working on Module 22, and as interesting as it is, I just want to walk away. I need something to do, something is missing!!!!

Maybe another soak in the hottub would help...

BLAH!


there's a small trinket he still carries with him...

4:43pm: MMmkay... let's see here, what's new...?

Well, this week we worked on the sword dance, it's like Scottish DDR, 'tis fun! Weee! rehearsals get more and more boring, I swear I reached Zen enlightenment I was so bored at singing. For the Act I scene 4 practice I worked with Dr. Richster, and he helped me a bunch. I so got into Harry, I was so pissed off because Harry was pissed off that after practice I was close to shaking. RARR!

Went Skiing thrusday night, didn't fall, but Liberty had a shit load of ice, so it was less-than perfect. I did a bunch of runs down the blue hills, so I guess I'm officially an "Advanced" skiier. Go me.

Let's see... alter ego day (or, Alter Ego makeup day) was cool. I went super goth. Ruben looked like Clay, it was scary. But yeah, we were taking the psych test and I couldn't stop thinking "DEATH!" T'was crazy. People moved out of the way in the halls, which was nice... so mayhaps I SHOULD go goth...

...nah...

Well, today I got brain fucked by the SAT. Fucker. It was freaking 4 hours, and my test had more English than math, so it sucked. The essay was pretty easy, I should do fine on that... but sitll! GRRRR! And on top of that, I've been sitting down almost ALL day. Between driving to/from the SAT, sitting the SAT, driving to Dad's, and dropping off a Bday gift for Alli's mom... arg, my back is killing me.

Which reminds me, sorry to Susie/Emma/Christine, I'm at my dad's and won't be at the partay... *puppy face* forgive me?

8:27pm: Don't have the time to do a "What I've been up to" entry, gonna go watch "Ray", but I do have some song lyrics that made me think of you... even though you don't think I EVER think of you anymore, well... that's wrong.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

7:59pm: Dude, seriously... days simply keep getting better. Must be getting closer and closer to spring, YAY! So today started off with an hour drive to school starting at the wee hours of the morn. T'was cool though, U2 was on the radio a lot, as was the Beatles. "Let it Be" sp completely set the tone for my day. Then I found out that U2 is coming to the MCI center in october, HELL FUCKIN YEAH! I'm so stoked, I NEED tickets! the day was also good because it was about 60 degrees, which made for excellent sunroof open weather, as well as a bit of a joy ride. Figured that today was a great day, so I got Alli some flowers because, well, I felt like doing something special.

Only downside to the day was I fucked up the math quizes that I thought I did well on... but atleast I ahve an A in Lang/Comp. WOOT!

*sigh* I want spring... spring is much happier than winter... you can skip around barefoot, play ring around the rosie and shoe-carrot, and just feel comfortably warm while wearing less clothing than you do when you walk around the house in winter. And spring is mating season... teehee

2:35pm: "Said woman don't worry,
about a 'ting.
'cuz every little 'ting,
s'gonna be alright..."

1:06pm: This weekend has been so eventful, and because of that, not stressful. Except now I actually DO have to work on my research project, so the stress is setting in. Friday the band skipped out of rehearsal to practice for the party we played at on Saturday. After practice, I went to the Sandra Cameron concert. T'was great, 'cept for the fact that she opened with Bach as a violin solo. Bach is only not boring if it's played on a thumping church organ. Enni was sitting next to me, and we were both nodding off for the first song, and he continued to almost sleep through the entire first half of the show. Poor guy, he's had playoff games the entire week. Allli's section of the concert was great, it sounded like there was just one violin playing the parts, it was really amazing. Carissa also did a great job at turning pages and looking pretty, 'cept the piano was in the way, so I couldn't see anything but her legs for most of the show.

Saturday was awesome. The party was great, we sounded good ('cept for one big mistake in "Nudge"), the 'geezers' loved it, and once we were done, they proceeded to completely rock out on our guitars. It was great!!!! We left Columbia around midnight, and Ira paid us each $20. Woo! I have money, kinda. Stayed at Sam's over night because I didn't want to drive back to VA at 2 AM.

Today so far has been really calming. Woke up after 10, and drove back to PA. It's SOOOO gorgeous outside. It was about 50 degrees at noon, and it's prolly hotter now, it's sunny and clear, and traffic was light, so I made great time coming back to my dad's.


*sigh*

6:49pm: Sometimes, life deals you some really scary shit, whether it be you experiencing it, or someone close to you. The mind is extremely powerful. Anything it wants to be true, or untrue will become just that. Often we can trick ourselelves into believing a falsehood to be true (or a truth to be false), and it consumes us, destroys us, and leaves a shell of a person lying on the floor. But there is hope. It takes courage, the guts to say "What I believe is wrong!" and find out the real truth. Never underestimate the ability of that small voice in the back of your head, for even if the rest of your mind is screaming for you to do something hurtful, that one small whisper of humanity back there can still overpower you and make things better.


Don't doubt your ability, question "truths"

...Yeah, feeling way to freaked out to do my research paper, but alas, it's got to be done...

8:31am: OK, so last weekend was just about the best weekend ever. We had 5 days off of school, and a 2 hour delay. Alex's party was on Sat. and it rocked the asphalt. I so ruled the pool table. Go me! We watched Animal House, which rocks, and I got to see Megan/Chris/Bobby. Yay! Monday I went night skiing avec ma famille and Tom (my mom's boyfriend) and it was awesome! I didn't fall, AND my hair/goutee froze, so I had icicles sticking out all sides of my head. Tom stayed the night... and I try not to think about it.

The BIG thing was, ofcourse, Sunday, with the car. I'm still stoked so much. Haven't driven it to school yet, mom wants to make sure it works, so she's driving it. But it's dirty already from the road chemicals. NOOOOO!


Still just about the best week ever.

3:38pm: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I'm freakin out man!!!


CRAIG(E) HAS A CAR!!!!!

WOOT!!!!

'99 Infinity G20 with 55k miles. Power everything, ABS, airbags, Sunroof, 4 cyl. engine (though it sounds like a 6 cyl.), Goldish-silver, leather interior, rides REALLY smoothly.

Dude, I'm so freaking freaked right now!

10:01pm: Well, today was speant doing things that REALLY needed to be done. A 24 hour escape from life's drama did me good. I managed to pick about 10 colleges to visit, cleaned out the garage so I can park a car there, looked at Carmax for a car, gonna test drive tomorrow and maybe Sunday, so I may have a car by next week! Speant about an hour just doing scales on my bass, up and down, watched "Heathers" so I can finally give the movie back to Sam Klein. Productive day.


I think the best part, far exceeding the potential car and everything, was the fact that people decided to be mature about this and make amends. That so makes things easier, and I'm so incredibly grateful for that. Still some work to be done in the matter, but atleast things are going to be easier...

4:41pm: Who had a spiritual experience today? Craige did!

It started off with my dad being sick, so I drove myself to my mom's (I have to return the car soon) so I could go to the UMD open house. It was kinda cool. Some stuff was nice, like how their curriculum is structured and the fact that their entire campus will soon be wireless internet capable... some stuff sucked like the dorms being just a step up from W&M and the fact that the campus was an ATTEMPT at calm, open, quietness that went wrong... I want either a busy city, or a nature-y place, not something that's got nature interrupted by cell phone towers, backups, and construction. Meh.

List of Pville people: Rita, Caitlin, Becca, Mary (though I didn't see her), Natalie, and Britney... woo Pville, represent.

But now the spiritual experience...
We had some time to kill before the presentation on the Honors programs (which are by invite only, so it doesn't really matter), so my mom and I decided we'd check out the performing arts center. We walk to the building, and we can hear people in practice rooms... it was great. The building itself is pretty new, with a huge stage for Acting, one for dance, and one especially for Concerts (acoustically perfect). In the concert hall we could hear people practicing a fugue of some sort... maybe Stravinsky's arrangement of "Toccatta and Fugue in D minor." So we kept walking and we came to the musical library, and we were like "Let's check it out." We walked into the reference section, and BOOM! There were shelves and shelves of musical scores from EVERYONE! It was amazing! My mom and I both gasped and giggled like little kids and went shuffling through Hayden, Mozart, Vivaldi, The Beatles... I opened up Beethoven's Fifth... mom found a copy of the original manuscript of a Mass by Handel. It was so... OMG! There's really no words.

Needless to say, we didn't want that spoiled by a presentation, so we left right after. Then stopped at Mont. Mall and I got shoes!

9:48pm: Hello, hello
I'm at a place called Vertigo,
It's everything I wish I didn't know
except you, give me something
I can feel
feel...

12:16pm: At my favorite place in the world right now... seems like I caught Andy's sarcasm disease. Maybe it's not genetic. But yeah, I'm at my dad's (boo hiss) and I'm doing research for this paper, and I have no idea where to start! AGGG!

But in other, more interesting and meaningful news, things will be ok. Thank god. A freaky thing about it is that before I found out that things will be okay, my fortune cookie said "Life may seem like a roller coaster now, but it will calm down soon." Funny how those things tend to come true.


... My foot is off the cliff, let's see if I step forward...

8:52am: Ugh... I feel like shit.

Sickly, been coughing a bunch since singing rehearsal yesterday. Had to flit about like a flitting flit-flit to get our stuff together for band practice, even though I was feeling shitty. Got home kinda late, actually did HW for once, and ate and ate and ate. ARG! Katie had it right when she said "Everyone should just leave you alone." Thank god someone still has their head on straight.

Just want to go to sleep... don't want to deal with school. But, we have the performance today, which, BTW Sam, we're practicing right after school, and having a sound check REALLY early.

You won't lose me, especially not by being truthful. Someone who can say what they feel, even when it's compromising, deserves respect. Unless they say it and place blame... but you didn't do that.


And yeah, I like Graham, he's tight. That's why he's been upgraded from Squire to Fender... but he's not Les Paul material.