infinite possibilities

xx spiral out
xx recalculate
xx drawn outside
xx embrace the random

[22 Feb 2009|09:32am]
People are funny when you put them together, especially the nuclear family. And when in solitude, one is able to wrap and immerse themselves in their own scent.

world through the sense = faulty perception [04 Apr 2008|04:57pm]
[ music | Killing Joke - Wardance ]

"When Brahma first generated, he was not sure what this material world was, or who he was. There was no one else to enlighten him; so he thought about it for a long time and tried to search out the cause of his existence but came to no conclusion. This is the same result that people will come to if they try to understand this universe simply by observing things through their senses. By analyzing the world with the mind and senses, they are bound to make many mistakes in their perception of things. Even with instruments like telescopes or microscopes, mistakes will be there because such machines are simply extensions of the same faulty senses. Therefore, retiring from his searching and mental speculation, Brahma engaged in deep meditation by controlling the mind and concentrating on the Supreme Cause."

Source: Stephen Knapp; "Proof of Vedic Culture's Global Existence." p16.

1 fae | count?

[08 Sep 2007|09:45pm]
Killing Joke - You'll Never Get To Me

"Oh, sing a song of joy
Sweet childhood, never desert me
Time for celebration, oh!
Overcome with a sense of elation
I'll never let you get to me
Survival is my victory
Time for celebration, oh!
Overcome with a sense of relation"

"cut it out" is still not the right way [12 Jul 2007|08:55pm]
This wretched reality glorifies the wrong things [1] [2]

She wanted something more, but looked the wrong way, and did the wrong things for it. She did it so loudly, that the forces behind the veils intervened. "Ok we get it now, here's your toy." She still plays with fire...because we're all merely infants, crying for more, no matter how much is given to us. You put her down, she'll lash out again and even throw around the toys you just gave her. She self-encourages her being spoiled and yet she thinks she's detached through all her acting out. And even through her so called apathetic ways. With those big eyes, they scream, "Look at me, I really don't care and I WANT that toy." Children. Funny creatures.
On the contrary,
Glorify happiness, not sadness

[18 Jun 2007|01:52pm]
I am analytical. Put that to good use and stimulate my mind. Explore new ideas and concepts.
I am really shy. Use it positively with the virtue of never getting to comfortable with anything. Embrace it whilst learning, and completely indulge in it. But move on afterwards, leave it behind for some time.

[12 May 2007|10:52am]
"Once one knows what really matters, one ceases to be voluble."

Thanks J.K. who said he found this to be extremely self-serving.
5 faes | count?

[12 May 2007|12:24am]

[12 May 2007|12:18am]
"Are you going to live your life standing in the back looking around?"
The above lyrics are from a Jimmy Eat World song....I had a crying spell over this one day when driving to work when it came on the radio.

My answer to the lyric is yes. It's what I've done up to this point. Well, I sort of felt forced into it. Then I withdrew starting in high school because I couldn't deal with anything and because I felt powerless or felt it wasn't worth effort when it came to my peers. And I think I was right in thinking it wasn't worth it however I still missed out on valuable socialization. I knew I was doing this too, very consciously too. But I had overwhelming life circumstances, emotionally. Aren't I just making up excuses for myself now? Indulging in self-pity? I'm destructive that way. I can't stand people who indulge in their self-pity.

Do you know what it's like to be shy? To've been told that when you're shy you miss out? And to've been told there are plenty of people my age who are not innocent and that I'm innocent, very dough-eyed. Do you know how much impact these words have had on me? It's been playing through my head every single day for the last 7 months and it plays constantly in my head. Is this a form of self-consciousness?

Do you know how much it hurts? So much that I decide to do nothing about it. I've formed a nickname based off of my apathy. It's Adathy or Lady Adathy. Adathy is silent, doesn't talk to anyone and is in the sea with her piano like Ada from the book The Piano. Adathy is also mute like The Sphinx or Lady Sphinx or Sphinx Faerie (this last one is a more playful version).

Hell, I'm pretty and smart. What have I got to worry about? Guys are attracted to me...but that's not an accomplishment (more words being put into my mouth).
3 faes | count?

[11 Mar 2007|04:37am]
Be a perfect circle with me. Let your mind drift into playfulness. Leave a piece of cake on the windowsill for the faeries. And don't worry about what others say about the way you walk. They say you walk weird, that your knees protrude out especially with those stillettos on. We can't walk around all day feeling self-conscious. Let the relative truths be known, and don't stop searching for them. They're cruel and yet they're not. The temporary, relative world of maya.

Jenny - writers thrive on experience. E x p e r i e n c e
4 faes | count?

[11 Mar 2007|04:30am]
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A heir to my dragon.
And what about you?
A faerie.
And you over there?
*Glares and turns back to brushing her doll's hair*

[17 Dec 2006|10:01pm]
I don't want to be self-conscious but instead self-aware.
I don't want to be stilted. But gracefully tact... again aware, conscious-minded.

1. excessively aware of being observed by others.
2. conscious of oneself or one's own being.


1. Aware of oneself as an individual or of one's own being, actions, or thoughts.
2. Socially ill at ease: The self-conscious teenager sat alone during lunch.
3. Excessively conscious of one's appearance or manner: The self-conscious actor kept fixing his hair.
4. Showing the effects of self-consciousness; stilted: self-conscious prose.

[24 Nov 2006|11:15am]
Note: I almost posted this is livejournal. Not sure where this entry belongs. I want people to know. But it's not a perfect entry.. I would've privated it.

I'm tired of drawing. I need to get to another state or country and take my supplise with me as a side hobby or spare time filler, break/inspiration while pursuing something entirely different from visual arts. It would be cool to go to Los Angeles with Juri and share a room while studying make-up, havng a job and experiencing the culture there. I'm getting more interested in LA now. Will be doing research. I still want to go to Peru, New Zealand, Japan, India... Just last night, I was wondering what I will ultimately end up doing with the money I'm saving. I think it's not meant for moving out but maybe some greater life changing expedition whether it means spending making my own business that could really positively work towards changing/saving the world or letting my body and mind succumb to lability in the outer world. I remembered now that I'm supposed to be an explorer at my age. I don't want to go on feeling blocked. I don't want to regret making a fool of these years.

There is that stubborn part in me that likes to rebel. There is that place that says "I revel in regret, missing out on life. I've felt that way for a good portion of my short little life as yet." I also try to ignore people. I try to ignore those I care about out of fear. Out of fear of hurting in any way. Really tragic that I do that, and ironic. Fortunately, I expect to keep evolving. Fortunately, I'm started, and hoping it will continue, to see what's bad for me. Fortunately, as a human-being, I won't rebel against myself once completely autonomous/independent in any form. Fortunately, I'm seeing that I like to talk to people, and it's okay. It's not going to kill me. It actually does alot for me.

Fortunately, in another way, I've suffered from a severe lack of life. I get this idea out of a quote from the movie Waking Life. To paraphrase "There are two types of sufferers in life. One that suffers from a lack of life and the other that suffers from too much life." I think the statement is paradoxical. I don't know how you live without living, no matter what your circumstances. I've lived through a lack of alot but also alot of nothing, submissiveness, and smothering. Those are something.

Grudgingly fortunately, hate writing, it makes me sounds like a girl. Fortunately, I feel like a complete circle as long as I keep myself in check.

Some people have live there lives in depth of contact with others. In relationships through quarrels, through being close and yet still at arms-length intense 2 person relationships where they can't possibly reach eachother through another side. I've live mine withdrawing, coping in escapism. I'm at a stage in life where I'm trying to step into the reality but at the same time certain aspects are looking threatening only to later find that I might possibly have been making dangerous assumptions that have misled and brainwashed me. Overcompensation is a dangerous symptom that has risen out of the life. Writing and thinking about how I've lived, what's happending, and where I'm going is just as dangerous. Impossible! Secretly wishes to be more straightforward and positively blunt. Never was positively blunt because of brainwashing externals and her tendency to cooperate and be impressionable along with not getting out enough. Can see that her route was meant for her to be an artist of the kind. Fabrications entangle with reality. And how she useds that aspect is up to her now, now that it's recognized on a new level.


[20 Oct 2006|11:03am]
Sitting in the living room, I started to cry. I walked to the kitchen. I cried somemore. I sat down at the couch with my book, but the tears fell once more. I fled from the living room realizing it was a trigger to look at the place with bits of unnoticed information such as pictures of the most accepted child and her family all over the room, plus the unconscious knowing of who redecorated the place....the energy, memories, baggage that cannot be understood or transferred successfully to allow mending insteading of blocking with bricks, and the demonic side of the personality transferring into my empathic realm of mind.

This house contains many triggers. Knowing that I've been hindered, that I am hindered, makes it worse. But after realizing, letting go and making myself free of victim-being allows my assertive nature to thrive. I'm only strengthened day by day for what will inevitably come. And that's when I'll need it most. I'm a moody person. My moods are like attention deficeit disorder. My inspiration spans all over but only because I have the humility and the Source. I'm empowered, potent but I don't know what for in the long run. This place is only temporary but all the more reason to fight for who I am, to be who I am, to assert my actions. To find love in all places, to help people, to not think about interactions too much because things only "seem" for a reason; because we can interpret without knowing, or we can know but knowing doesn't mean we're allowed to make all interpretations meritable on the face. Indeed, all interpretations are valid and contain a truth. But they are there for the seemingly only.

I have many thanks to three special people in my life. One has recently stepped in, according to our conditioning of time.

Fighting for the opposition has led me back to a healthy "regression" of being reflective. Most thankfully, I'm not trying to be this way.

Stifled lion [29 Jul 2006|09:31pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I'm going to regret it I'm going to regret it if I don't start pursuing it Now. Because I've regretted not taking on dancing. I've stopped dancing twice. I'm coming back to it. I've regretted "quitting" the piano twice. I might go back to it (it's been eight months since I haven't had a lesson). I've regretted not opening myself up only because I let bitterness and arrogance hold me back. I've regretted not choosing. I've regretted not caring. I regret myself and I'm going to get old. I feel like Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts!

Leo needs an outlet.

I'm also jealous. All jealousy is: not caring for yourself; not asserting yourself; being dogmatic with yourself. Just not living creatively enough. Holding on to old ideas because you really can't let go of the past. I'm still like this. I just need to remember to always watch out for it.

I'm also hard on myself. I can't stand being unknowledgeable and ignorant. The preoccupation has kept me away from that happiness. Just too easily hurt from the past. From the past. The words people have used against me and on me. What I've done to myself to make myself affected. How can one control their own sensitivities? Slightly on another subject, I'm afraid of opening up.

I've been told that I don't want anyone to care about me. It's true. I think. I can't accept that anyone can care. And it flushes my face. Why did I let myself get like this? It's not your fault they say. It's not my fault. But I'll blame myself in different ways and come back to the guidance.

You know it but you won't let yourself know it. So you fuck yourself over and stay there. You only fucking hurt yourself that way you fucking superior shithead. Too many cursewords for a decent guy. A fine person. Someone who has all the ideals in a guy I would want. A ladies man but yet just another guy who wants my ass. It's really fucking hard to believe that he's like that. A woman manipulator. I know I'm a hopeless romantic. I don't want to admit it and this has to do with the aversion towards pathos. I don't want to be anything that makes me care. But if that is what is best for me...well... then....what do you know? WhyTF do I need to open my eyes to that? Because it will make you happy; because it's good for you. Swallow your fucking pride. I don't know what your waiting for.

"You're not like other don't feel." I'd stopped writing. I'd stopped listening to myself.


Hit her on the head a couple more times [28 Jul 2006|06:42pm]
I overestimate my intellect and underestimate the contextual.

[27 Jul 2006|04:45pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

"Your current state is nothing but your own creation."
     Did it occur to you that some people are afraid of happiness?
     That some people would prefer being closed off, as much as it may sometimes hurt? Maybe that hurt is something we/I still revel in. [Afraid of not getting hurt, being insensitive, or forgetting pain.]

     Would this wear off my external beauty? Can't I have everything I want?

I never [always] wanted to be close to anyone.


[02 Jun 2006|10:40pm]
"Words are more treacherous and powerful than we think."
~Jean-Paul Sartre

[12 Dec 2005|10:21am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

"...Dasein still authentically chooses the tradition when it is confronted by a paradox within the tradition and must choose to dismiss the tradition or dismiss the experience of being confronted with choice." Wikipedia: Dasein

Is this to say that tradition is a lack of choice?

4 faes | count?

Theater like [05 Dec 2005|10:11pm]
[ music | Hear the repetitive humdrum and humbada ]

I seem to keep missing the points. Moving hastily, I don't take time to find the meaning. It's also as if I keep focusing on other aspects of the photo but not the others. And to look at the others would be much more sufficient. But I know, on a surfaced level, I've the tendency to shirk the more profound. What this may be a fear of I'm not sure.


[30 Oct 2005|11:13am]
Hedhog's dilemna on one side only. That one side takes it all. Saturation. I am.. I just am. And never can I do anything... in the one area of life. Then in the seer like being of my capacities. Double reminders.
It's not my fault that I'm lonely.. It is a choice, a standard finite choice. I'm not allowed...

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