Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Madilyn's Blurty:

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
9:14 pm	A new email So, I did what you asked. I set up an email address that is something that we both can access. However, this site that you found is done by Classmates.com and that costs money per month. So, I can set up an account, but I didn't want to spend the money. I want to tell you the email that I set up and the password for it, but you will have to let me know how. If you don't want him to know then I am not sure how I will get that to you. Should I text you with one thing...then later on text you the password. Just an idea. You could also delete the text information once you get it. Let me know how you want to do it. So, I had the talk with him. He listened about what I had to say. The next couple of days he did try harder to do what was needed. I know that I have a good husband, but I do have my tolerence level. I know that I am not perfect but I do a lot around the house and it really did drive me crazy. So, we will have the girls start gymnastics next week. We are also going to see about starting swim lessons for them too. This would take place on Saturdays. So, this would be something that he would have to take the girls to. The middle of September I will start my day schedule. I am nervous but excited about going to days. Then, soon after that I will be heading to the Philippines. I will be leaving the week of November 20th. The week of Thanksgiving. Then I will be gone for 3 weeks. I will come home for 3 weeks and then leave again for 3 more weeks. I did find out that we will have a traveling incentive. I was going to check at work how much I could get. I wasn't expecting anything, but that would be nice. Tonight I am by myself. The husband is at work. I have started reading a book this past week. It is nice to do some "free" reading. I am over half way done. I have also decided to look over the girls baby books. I know that I would like to fill in as much as possible. I am trying to get back on track with that. Once I get myself on a regular schedule I will try to get some minor weight lifting in so that I can stay in shape. I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost any either. I am still at about 150. I am comfortable with that. I can't wait to get our family pictures back. We get them back on Friday. I will send you some and then I will post others on Walgreens. Then you can pick any others you might like. I think that they turned out good. Well, I am going to search the web and look at the resort that I will be staying in when I am in the Philippines. They gave us information and it will be nice to check out what I should expect. I am excited, but I know that I will miss my girls so much. Well, let me know about the email I set up. I miss you and love you lots. Update when you can. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
6:21 pm	Frustrated I don't know what it is that I am constantly frustrated with him, but he is driving me crazy. I know that sometimes I get this way with him, but I am tired of raising 3 kids. I feel like he is only doing what he needs until I tell him what he has to do. By then I am already pissed. Let me go back a week. So, last week we stayed pretty busy. I am always the one saying we need to get this done or we need to take the cars in for an oil change or we need to find a sport for the girls. Well, I say these things so he can look for, do them, or ask where he needs to start. But, instead he waits until I pick up the phone and call the place when he said "I was going to do that." WHEN!! Next year. I said them a week ago. I give him time, but it is only after I have already started something that he tells me he was going to do it. Shit on that. I can fucking do it. So, with my work schedule I have been working nights and days. It has been hard. I am tired but I find that I am working more than 40 hours in the week. He knows that I have a lot of shit to do for work and he does understand that. But, he still manages to get by with working 27 hours. Last week it was less than that. So, last Friday we were runing most of the day. We had family pictures done in the afternoon, we went to Lowes and got a swing for the front and then we came home and he said "I think I am going to call in sick to work". I just looked shocked. I said but you don't need to call in, just go to work. Well his come back was "I want to spend time with you." Well honesty I wanted the time alone. I look forward to Wednesday and Friday nights because I can have my own time. I need that time to be alone. To organize, take a long bath, watch Law and Order, pick my nose, what ever the f___ I want to do. But, he called in by the time I go with him after we got home. Well, I spent my night watching a movie with him. It was fine, but I wanted him to go to work. Then, I spend my weekends cleaning because during the week he doesn't do anything unless I say something. When I have to work Sunday and Monday nights I come home at 11:30 pm and there are a sink full of dishes. He didn't manage to do them. He left both lunch and dinner dishes in the sink. So, I spend the night doing them. Mean while I ask what he was doing during the day and he said "nothing much...played my game a little, got on the computer..." What a bunch a shit. He had the time, just forgot about what it was left in the sink. So, about 4 days ago he takes the laundry down stairs and puts it in front of the washer. I left it there for 2 days. Thinking maybe he would do it. Nope. So, after two days I went and placed the laundry in the washer. Got done with 2 loads and then he wants to chip in. Please do F... yourself. You should have done it. I can finish this now. I just find that when I am snappy at him I get snappy at the girls. And for no reason. I find myself yelling more than I would like. I hate it. I feel very shitty right now. I hate being mean to the girls but I can't get out of my rotten mood. I just need to tell him to stop his shit, help before I have to say something and get over that fact that you feel tired. He is only now realizing that I have dealt with the girls for 5 years. He has only had them for 1 month. He gets them alot more now since I am working more day shifts and he is seeing how hard it is to have them in the morning and be tired by mid-afternoon. I not only dealt with the girls in the morning, I went to work for 40 hours and went to school. He can just deal. I have for the last 5 years. He realizes how hard it is now. And he is tired. Well, I have been tired for a long time and I still manage to have perfect attendance. Well, I think that I will be organizing the down stairs. I want to get rid of stuff that I haven't used in over a year. If I haven't used it...I don't need it. If I clean my clutter, then maybe I can feel better. They do say that is linked with your life. I am glad he went to work. I need the night alone. I need to just think about what I want to tell him and just say it. Today he was painting our fence outside and I asked him if he want to go with me to pick up K1 from school and then take the girls to the park to fly a kite. He kind of shrugged and I told him he could finish that tomorrow morning. He said he wanted to finish it today. So, I took K2 and we went to get K1 from school and walked to the park. Do you know how hard it is to get a 4 and 5 year old to listen to directions to keep the kites in the air. Well, it was about 90 degrees and very humid. After about 40 minutes I pack them up and we go home. He was just getting done himself and he said "so how was it?" I respond with "it would have been better if I had your help." So, that was it. He went and took a shower, we ate dinner and he left for work. Very few words were exchanged. I am just pissy with him and now I am pissy with the girls. I really can't stand the person I am right now. I have to go. I need to calm down. I need to be alone. I will talk you you later. Love and miss you much. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 17th, 2008
2:25 pm	A fun night out So, I have been telling the husband that I did not want anything big for my birthday or for what he was considering to do for a graduation party. I did not want a bunch of people at my house that feel "obligated" to be here. I already knew that our Step-mom and dad did not feel that it was a major accomplishment so why have them over to the house. I did not want his parents to always be the ones to step up to the plate and be the mom and dad. So, I just said I didn't want anything big. So, the husband planned a night out without the kids. We had out sister babysit and then he took me to dinner at a place we have not been before. I liked the food, but I am not sure I will go back there. It didn't make it on my top 10 list. Then he took me downtown and he had another surprise for me. He took me on a horse and carriage ride through the downtown area. There was a full moon and the weather was really nice. So, overall I thought that it was a good idea. Then we went to the shark club and went dancing. I liked that the best. I did tell him "thanks" but I don't know why he feels he has to spend so much money. I would have been happy with dinner at the shark club and dancing right after that. That would have been perfect. But, I know that it was the thought that counts. He meant well. And he did say that this is something that we will never probably do again. So, we had family pictures done on Friday. I was pleased with how the girls turned out. We will get them back on the 29th. I am excited to get them back. I will put them on Walgreens, but I am sending you some first. So, you will have to wait to see them. Then, what ever I don't send you it will be up to you if you want to get a 4x6 from walgreens. Or you can just tell me and I can send you the ones you want. I hate having you spend money on these. I just want you to have the ones you like best. But, I liked the pictures. The lady even got the husband and I to take a picture by ourselves. I thought it turned out ok. I am getting excited that the girls will be starting school. K1 goes back on Tuesday. I think that this is needed. They have spent so much time together that they are driving me and themselves crazy. I can't seem to go any where with them and not find myself yelling. I have even seen myself spanking more than I would like. K1 is pushing her limits and I don't like how she is acting. I think she needs the structure of school. K2 will start the following week. I am excitied to see how she grows over the year. She is writing her name and my name and is getting better at the husbands and sisters. So, I imagine over this next year she will do better. Work is ok. I have worked alot. I find myself working from home to try and get everything done. I don't have too, but I am also taking back the extra time I do work. They mentioned we could have one new supervisor to help in the next couple of weeks. I will be glad to see that. I think that up until that point I will be working both swings and days with Friday/Saturday off. Once we have a replacement I will be able to go full time days. I can't wait. I want a consistant time to work. This mixing things have taken a toll on my sleep. I have also noticed that since the husband has changed his schedule (which gives him more time with the kids) he is more grumpy. I just want to say "I told you so" but I won't. I have had more time with the girls for the last 5 years and then I would have to go to work for 8 hours. It was hard. Not to mention school. It was draining and I think he now sees what I went through. Plus, I did most of the house work. Now that I am out of school I find myself doing more of everything at home. Oh well, I guess that is a part of life. He will start school really soon. Sept 2nd. I am excited for him. I want him to better himself and I hope that he wants that too. But, we will see how that all works out. I am also considering going back in a year to get my 4 year. I haven't decided yet. I want it, but don't want it. It took so long to get where I am that I am not sure I want to do more. I will have some time to think about it. Until then I will be working on starting "our" book and reading for enjoyment. I have needed that for a while. Well, It is time for me to watch a little TV. I have been running non-stop since this morning and I just want to veg until I have to go to work. Tonight I have to work 430p-11pm. And, I already know of a few people I will have to put on corrective action when I get to work. People suck when they don't give a shit about their job. I wish some people had a better work ethic. I hope you are doing well. I miss you guys and wish you were closer. Have a great weekend and talk to you soon. Love ya lots! (Comment on this)
Friday, August 8th, 2008
10:15 pm	Quite time Well, I am sitting on the couch, alone, waiting for the husband to get home from work. It has been a busy day. We started out at the zoo at 9:30 am and stayed for 3 hours. After that we went to the mall. I looked at ads and they said there was suppose to be some good sales. However, I didn't find much. I spent about $35 there. The girls played on the playland at the mall and then we came home. We dropped off the husband so that he could have downtime before he had to go to work. At that point we went to the mall near our house and I had K2 spend a giftcard she got for her birthday. All said and done we got home about 5:30 pm. We were out all day and when we got home I gave the girls a bath, fed them dinner, read them a couple of books and put them to bed. They were so tired that I didn't hear anything from them. So, since they have been in bed I have cleaned a few things, uploaded some pictures to Walgreens, ironed clothes, started laundry, took a shower and now I am sitting on the couch writing. It is weird to have time to myself. I haven't had this in a long time. In the past when I was off, so was the husband. It is kind of nice being able to just do what I want and settle down with out having to feel guilty that I didn't want to watch his show or guilty that I wanted to watch my show. I will have to get used to this. I have ONE more test for school. That will be on Tuesday. Depending on my grade I can go to class on Thursday for extra credit. If I am getting a B, I will go to class. If I am getting an A, I will skip Thursdays class. I am really excited about this. I can't wait to read books for fun. I want to be able to put a book in purse and read it when I want. I don't do that now because I carry my school bag with me and open them when I can. So, reading will be nice. I am thinking about getting the girls in dance classes. There is this studio that I have driven by and I am thinking about looking to see how much it cost. I want them to try new things. But, I do have to watch the cost. I have already told the husband that I would cut my spending (and his) so that we could do this. If this is not too much. He said fine. I don't have to shop. I just like too. But, I have gotten better about not buying things. I don't need shit. They don't need crap either. So, the party last weekend went ok. It is always so hectic when we have family here. But, I know that the girls were happy to play and see their family. I could also feel the tension between Kyong Hui and our sister. I heard them just bicker a few times. But, when I dropped the girls off at her (sister) house she told me something that kind of pissed me off. I have not been "really" upset, but I have been mad. So, our sister asked our step-mom if she was going to send me a card for "graduation". I first told our sister that I do not want a party, do not need anything but that I am just happy that I am finishing this degree. It is a 2 year degree that has taken me 4 years to get. But, back to the party. So, our sister was asking this. Well our step-mom said "we don't count this 2 year degree, we will get her something when she gets her 4 year degree." So, our sister was really pissed about this. I told our sister that it did not matter what our dad or step-mom thought. I did this for me and for my family. I could care less if they didn't think this is an accomplishment. I know it is . I know that I have worked hard. I have done the work. Shit on them. The one thing that our sister did say was "I just hope that Becky is everything they want her to be, becuase we know that we will never be good enough." I have to agree with her. I know that we will always be the outcast in the family. I have learned to accept that. I have also thought about what I will do with my free time. I think that I will start writing our book. I want to do it for several reasons. First, I think that it would be cool if we both wrote a book together. Just like we talked about. But, I also think that it is important for my children to know how we grew up. I think that it is important for them to know who I am as a person. I want my children to know how I grew up and what I was like. I just think that it is important. I don't know anything about mom. I don't know what her life was like, what it was like for her growing up, her family, anything. Well, I think that I will close for now. I wanted to let you know that we got k2's card today. Thanks, you didn't have to send her any giftcard. I told you she would have been ok. I also want you to know that earlier this week I sent off your card and A1's money. Please enjoy the card. I want you to have things too. Well, I will talk to you later. I am going to send you the email for you to view my Walgreen pictures. And J sent you a link to her pictures. There is this one of K2 and her princess crown. She looked so cute. I love that picture. Talk to you soon. Love and miss you!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 5th, 2008
4:24 pm	A bunch of crap So, we are down to 2 supervisors for 120 people. I have worked so hard the last week that I am really tired when I leave work. And, to top that off I have school tonight. I can't wait because I only have 10 more days of school. I know that if I pass the test even with a C I will pass the class. I want an A, but at this point I really don't care. As long as I pass. The last test we had was really hard. I had a headache from it and I managed to get a 97%. I was happy about that. This past weekend was fun. We went to Fun Plex for several hours. It was really nice. The girls both went down the big slide. I walked them both up there 4 times each. Walking up those stairs a total of 8 times made my legs hurt. But, it was about letting them have fun. Then after the water park we had to go to his friends house and we had a small party. We stayed there until about 10 pm. The girls were tired but they also had fun. Then on Saturday we had K2's party. She had a blast. K1 was jealous over all the toys that her sister got. I had to tell her several times that they were not her toys. Sometimes I wonder why our sister spoils the girls. One toy would be enough. I know she just wants to give them things we didn't have but it can be overwhelming. But, overall everything went well. We had a water balloon fight and then everyone went home. I have a new schedule that started this week. I work Sunday/Monday from 430pm-11pm and Tues/Wed/Thur from 7am-4pm. I am kind of tired today but it was nice getting off a little early. I have school tonight but at least I get to relax a little. The girls are not home right now because the husband went to his cousins house to help her with some remodeling. He has gotten good at fixing things. So, needless to say they are not home. I might see them when I get home from school, but sometimes they are sleeping. So, I could go the whole day without seeing them. Kind of weird. I am a little stressed. I wish I could take my mind off of work. I need to learn to do things for myself. I hate allowing everyone and everything tell me what to do. I can't wait to have a little freedom with no homework. I will also have to learn to find things to do with my time because I am so use to having it all taken up. Well, I am going to close for now. I want to take a nap, but I am afraid that I would not wake for school. I will go to bed early tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be a better, slower day. Love ya and miss you much. Oh, one more thing. So, I take it you are not leaving him. It sounds as if you are staying where you are, correct? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 24th, 2008
4:24 pm	Here we go again... So, yesterday they pulled us into a meeting as soon as I walked in the door. They announced once again that they were going to move some of our call center overseas. They will be moving about 60% of our volume but our call center will also get some new stuff. The good news is that we are one of the call centers that they are keeping. So, that is good. I may have to learn something new, but I will still have my job. So, what does this mean to me. Well, in October they will have some people come and learn the products and then end of October, early November, they will go back and train the product. This is where I may come in. I may have to travel to the Philippines. That is where our volume is going. Some of the other department volumes are going to India. But, since I know the products I may have to travel. I talked this over with the husband and he understands that this may be over the Thanksgiving timeframe. And, if I do travel they are talking about being gone for 3 weeks. That is a long time. I know that I can count on our sister for the 2 nights that the husband works. I am thinking that his mom could probably help on the Sunday/Mondays while I am gone. The girls will be in school on Monday, so it may not be as hard. But, it will come down to dropping them off for school and picking them up on Monday. The husband said that everything will work out. October/November is a little while out so we can start talking and asking for people to help. I have mixed emotions about this. To take another trip, on the company, to another foreign country that I would never go to is a "once and a lifetime" thing. But, I want to make sure that my girls are taken care of and the husband is ok with this. I will miss them so much. I have only been away a max of 1 week and that was to go to Costa Rica. But, I guess we will do what is needed. I am not scared for my job because what ever happens, happens. I have gotten used to this idea since the last time they did this. The other thing is that if it is in November I bought a Celine Dion concert ticket to go with our sister. I would hate for that to go to waste. I know J would be able to get someone to go, but I was looking forward to that. Well, I have to go for now. I came home from work and the family is making a trip to Wally World and they will be back really soon. I don't want him to ask questions. I miss you and love you. Please write. I keep wondering how you are doing. Give the girls kisses for me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
12:34 pm	mood swings What brings those on? I know it has to do with the chemicals in your body, but I really get tired of them. I hate when I have them because everyone and everything will piss me off. I woke up this morning and the house wasn't clean enough for me. So, I end up cleaning for 3 hours and finally feel better, but now I have to go to work until 11pm. That sucks. I know that I can't be mad at the husband because he tired helping our sister fix her cd player and amp in her car yesterday and then he is trying to fix a computer that one of my co-workers have. So, I know he was busy, but I still wonder why he can't manage more of a productive day. But, he is a man and they only can do one thing at a time. I also get into these moods and end up taking it out on the girls. I don't want too, but I end up yelling and I hate my self for it. I really need to watch "The Secret" again. I need to bring the positive back. I want my kids to remember the good, not the yelling. Not only that but when I yell more the girls do that to each other and that it not a good thing either. Over the summer they have been together more and I think that once school starts again there will be less fighting because they will miss each other more. Well, I have to go. The husband will be home in a few minutes and then I will soon leave for work. Talk to you soon. Hope you are doing good. Love ya and miss you. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
8:19 am	I guess I should be "happy" Well, I finally got him signed up for classes. I am happy about that. I will be finding his books online because I can usually find them for about $1oo dollars cheaper than the campus bookstore. I am all about saving money. However, last night we were sitting on our swing outside after the girls went to bed and we were just talking about a few things. Then I mentioned that I would get his books and that maybe he would be able to finish his degree in less than 2 years because he already had classes that he did take. I am excited about him bringing home more money. Well, then he mentioned that he would need time away from the girls to do homework. That he needed time to concentrate. I just had to sit there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I have managed in the last 4+ years to do homework, classes and reports in the time that I have been given. And, most of my time happen to be when the girls were home. I would give them their nap and start homework. I would do homework at work on my lunch. I would use my Saturday afternoon to do homework. So...he basically said to me that Football season is coming up and he didn't want to miss some of the games. I told him that he needed to find out what his priority will be. Poop on that. I missed several shows or recorded them for later. He will have to do the same. The nice thing for him is that he will be doing online classes. So, his time is not set in stone for when he has to be in class. I guess that is good for him, but I always found it easier to do the in-class work. I needed the structure. So, we also noticed another thing. Ayla is deaf. Yesterday we sat on the couch and I called him when he was right infornt of me. He didn't even turn. So, I called him a little louder and louder. It was only when I waved my hand that he noticed that I was calling him. He then came right over. I also noticed at night when he runs wild I would be able to call him and he would come running. That way I could calm him down. Well, now I call him and he doesn't come. It is sad to know that he is getting so old. But, for a cat he is 16 years old. He is pretty healthy. I always feel guilty when the vet tells me he has lost weight at his yearly check-up, but over all he is healthy. I just wonder how many more years I have. This weekend has been good. Besides the rain showers on Thursday to stop us from going to Funplex, Friday our sister took the girls over night. It was nice because the husband and I went to Target and picked up some clearence summer things. Then we came home and watched a movie. I woke up on Saturday and he had already left for work, which gave me time to drink my coffee and relax. I cleaned the back yard a little and then started homework. I can't wait because I only have 4 more weeks of class. But, after lunch the girls were home, they took a short nap (while I finished more homework) and then after that we all went to the big pool down the street. We also invited the sister and her husband. So, they came by and went swimming for about an hour. It was nice. The girls are feeling a little more comfortable in the water. I know that next year I WILL be doing swim lessons. I do not want them to be afraid of putting their head under the water. But, they both freak out when they get their mouth under the water. Well, I need to go take a shower. I then plan to clean out our shoe closet. I want to reorganize what is in there and what we need to keep. I keep wondering if you will be coming. I just wish you would think about here. I know that you would be ok. Please update and tell me what has been going on. I love you and miss you very much. Talk to me. Well....I will talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
8:12 am	So I broke down and said "yes" So, after making him work to sell a few things in the house I broke down and let him by a HD tv. It will be replacing the tv in the livingroom and it will be about the same size as the one we have in here. It will be a flat screen (not that it matters to me) but it is on it's way. I just think that it is ridiculous that you spend money on something that is not needed. We have 5 tv's in this house. But, at least he will have this for football. Well, last night we were suppose to go to Funplex. But, there was a storm come through here. So, since we didn't go I had the girls bake a cake and I rented a movie for them. They have been looking forward to this all summer. Well they really have been looking forward to this since last year. So, the husband is going to check and see if his company will give us tickets for a future date. If not I am sure that they will give us back our $20 that we did pay them. I also told the girls that no matter what we would go to Fun Plex before the summer is over. So, we will go on our own time if needed. They seemed to be ok that we couldn't go even though they really wanted too. I have had busy days at work. There are 3 of us trying to hold together 150 people. It is pretty crazy. And one of the people that is helping is going to have a baby real soon. She is a huge help and I will be sad to see her go. But, we hope to have a couple of new team managers come in by the start of August. But, the way they talked it will be the middle of August before they start. That kind of sucks because I will not be able to do a lot of swings nights once the husband starts his new schedule. So, I told my boss that I would work Sunday/Monday 430pm-1100pm and Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday 7am-4pm. I will make sure that I get my 40 hours in, but I will keep my Friday/Saturdays off until about the end of August. After that I will go to my new schedule of 7-4pm with Sunday/Monday off. I am kind of excited about that. The girls will start school real soon. August 19th is almost here. I already have backpacks for them. I have one that I bought on clearence last year for $3.74 and then K2 will get a Little Einstien one she will get for her birthday. But, I told the husband that I will have our sister keep me informed when backpacks go on sale after school starts that way I can pick up extras. K1 went through 2 backpacks last year. So, I will buy them cheap. School is almost done for me. I have a hard time concentrating on this class. I know I need to pass it, but I just find it hard to study. I want to enjoy summer and the freedom of not having homework, but I can't. I did get an A on my first test. On Tuesday I turned in my second test. I will find out what I got on it when I go back to class on Tuesday. I just need a C to pass the class. I felt pretty good about the test, but you neve know. I only have 2 more tests left. Then I will be done. I do believe that I will start looking into possibly HR as a business area. I think that I might look into doing an excelerated program. I will let the husband get into classes and I will see how he likes it. I know that he is getting excited too. In fact today he will go and take the Math placement test. That way he can get registered for a math class that is needed for his degree. I hope he does well. Well, today we are heading to Grandma Judy's house. She recently had surgery and we are going to have lunch at her house. Later today I will probably do homework. This homework is worth half a test score. Well, I have to go and take a shower. I miss you and wish you would update. I don't know what to think when you don't write for a while. Are things going well? Are things ok? Please let me know. I love you and miss you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 11th, 2008
7:42 am	Friday It doesn't seem like Friday. I took a half day vacation yesterday (it was my mroning shift) so I was out of work bt 11:30 am. It really didn't even feel like I worked. It will be nice when I will have that as a permanent schedule. Just to know I could be out and done with work on half days by 11:00am. Awesome. So, yesterday after I came home we ate lunch. Then, as I told you before, we finished painting K2's room purple. It turned out really nice. I like the color. Then we had the girls take a nap and while they did that we watched a movie. I was told about this website where you can watch movies (new releases) as long as you don't mind it in lower quality. The reason is because someone goes in a films the show and then places it on the web. At first I was scared to watch the site but the husband informed me that it was a site ran by Japan. Even though the movies are in English, Japan has different internet regulations. I guess I will just browse what movies they have until the site goes away. But, while the girls were sleeping we watched the movie Hancock. The other night we watched the movie Wanted. I know you don't have cable internet, but if you do get it let me know. After we watched part of the movie (they show the movie in segments) we had already planned to take the girls to the big pool. The girls were excited all about it, but k2 freaked out when we went in the actual big pool. They have the baby section, which she was ok with, but she screamed like bloody murder when we took her in the big pool. So, since the husband wouldn't let her get out, I took over. I brought her to the 2 foot section and I allowed her to sit on the stairs. Then she could see that she could touch. She then would move down a stair (with me coaxing her) but I finally got her to walk in the 2 feet section. She is still a little afraid, but she will get there. After we got back from the pool we had dinner together outside. It was kind of nice (a little buggy) but it was a nice family thing. After that I checked in on K2's room and noticed that the paint had come out dark enough that we would not need a second coat. I was excited. But, in a way I wanted to be done with her room. The husband was thinking about painting rainbows, flowers on her walls but then I mentioned decals. So, we decided to got o Hobby Lobby and Home Depot. We didn't find any. So, we hit Target. We found something perfect for her wall. The nice thing about the decals is that they come off. The don't have to stay on the walls. When she gets bored with them, we can remove them. But, overall her room turned out nice. So, now about work. The said they would not have the new team managers selected or started before August 1st. Kind of crappy since that will be the time I will be going to days. I was hoping to train the new person, but I just don't think that is possible. Oh well, they will see that shit hole for what it is worth. I have worked my ass off for the last several months and I don't care anymore. If they don't want to be proactive and help their management team, poop on them. I am not afraid of what "could happen". If I get laid off, I get laid off. If I don't, I don't. I just want to go in and do my job. Then when it is time to leave, leave. Well, I have lots to do today. I have a take-home-test that I need to work on. The teacher always makes it harder when it is a take home test. I guess that is just life. Plus the girls want to work on putting K2's room back together. So, I need to go. I will write more later. I miss you and love you. I do hope you are thinking about life. You deserve one. Talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
7:04 am	Happy again I was thinking about the talk we had yesterday. I wanted to let you know that no matter where you live or who you are with, I just want you to be happy. I know it is hard making a drastic move. I get that. It was really hard to leave the ex because I was afraid to be all alone. To not have a place to call my own, to not know if I could make it on my own. But, as time went on I not only had a place all my own, I found the man I married and have children with. All things are possible. You should know that. I am not disapointed in you. I never have been. But, I know that you can have a happy life if you just take that chance. I want you to live life and do what makes you want to live. I don't want you to just be in his life and that you hand in there for the sake of the girls. They would come to a realization, maybe not now, but in the future that it was the best thing to get out when you did. Will everything be perfect. Not in the beginning, but can it be close to perfect in the future. All things are possible if you try. I have to go to work now. This is my early morning, but I wanted to let you know that I really want you to think about coming here by the start of the school year. We have enough to get you all started. We can make this work. I trust you with my life, I would trust my girls life with you and I only wish that you would think about that. There are not many people that I would hand my kids over too. You would be good for them. Please really think about it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 6th, 2008
8:17 am	He got a little hurt So, I got your text yesterday afternoon and wanted to read it all day. But, I couldn't get to a computer until last night. Plus I wanted to ask you about A1 when I heard about her car. So, last night I was reading your journal and in the process of responding when the husband came over. I started to cover the computer screen. He asked what I was doing. I mentioned that I was responding to your journal. He was a little hurt because I told him that it is something that we do together and that we don't want anyone else to read. Then he said "do you write about me?" I said sometimes. But, I also told him that it is nice to get things off my chest and just say things. That gives me time to rethink or reconsider what I want to say. He said "why don't you talk to me?" I told him, I do. But, I said that I also want to have this communication between the two of us and that was it. I think that sometimes it is important for him to know that he will always be apart of my life (the rest of my lfe) but that I need to write in this journal. So, after that he went and made ice cream and I finished writing what I needed last night. We were talking about A1 getting a mustang and that brought up her age. We had a debate about how old she was. But, why didn't you tell me about her car. I am still in shock that I didn't find out from you. I think that Dad and Kyong were even more shocked that I didn't know. But, I wish I would have known. Did you guys talk about this or was it something that he did without asking. Just curious. Well, this weekend was a little busy. We went to his parents house on the 4th. He got a little drunk and then I got a little upset because I don't like driving home from his parents house and I don't like driving long distance at night. So, he did stop drinking. But, as we were leaving I did notice that his eyes were a little droopy and he pulled over and I drove home about 2/3's of the way. I was ok with it. I just don't like driving at night. I guess I am spolied. Yesterday we played outside a while. Then after the husband got home we went to a friends house (from my work). She is the other supervisor that I work with. She has a couple of kids (7 and 11) but she has been talking about her coming over and have the girls go swimming. She has a 4 foot deep pool in her backyard. At first I wasn't going to have the girls go swimming, but they asked and so they went. K1 could touch the ground, so she was ok by herself. However, K2 wouldn't leave the ladder. She was to freaked out. So, maybe next time she will go in if I go in. Then after being at Jennifers house for about an hour and half we headed to Grandpa's house for our sisters b-day party. I can't believe that she is 20. The girls had a very busy and fun day. We left their house about 9pm and they came home and passed out pretty fast. But, I know that I am happy that our other sister J was there, but I think that she kept wanting it to be about me. She kept bringing up my school and when was I going to be done. She was asking about me walking (ceramony) for school and I told her I wasn't. But, I think that she was doing what she could to remind dad that I was going to have a degree real soon. I think he knows, I just don't think that he cares since it is not a 4 year degree. But, dad did mention that our younger sister will have her 4 year degree in about one year. I have relooked at schooling. I need to see what will truly make me happy. I don't think that I really want to deal with the politics of the business world. Plus, I am pretty happy not going any further. I don't want to go up because there is even more bullshit to deal with. I have tried in the past but people want certain people in positions and they will not give new people a try. They just pick people who suck. So, I have decided that I don't want to go where people don't want me. Then, I keep thinking about Paypal. They are right down the street from our house and I hear they start out at really good pay. I heard as an operator you can make $13-15 to start and that as management it is $40 grand. That would be nice. I could deal with that. So, yesterday we went to home depot to get a giftcard and I asked K2 if she wanted to paint her room. She does. We are going to do it purple with flowers and rainbows. I think that we might start working on this Thursday. I won't have class (teacher is going out of town) and I am thinking about taking a vacation day. So, as long as I have coverage at work I will probably start with getting the paint and doing her room. I think that it is time to get rid of that light green color she has had since we moved into this house. Well, I sure do miss you. I really hope that we will be able to see each other real soon. If there is ever a time you want to come up here, please just call. We can pick you up and have you stay here. I know that gas is making it hard to travel, but the girls would really love to see you too. I have to go make the girls breakfast. They both are up now. I love you and miss you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
6:54 am	quick update I am about to head off to work. I got home last night at 11:30pm and we decided to watch "So you think you can dance" and that took us up to 1:00am. So, since today is my morning shift I was up at 6:30am to get ready for work. The nice thing is even though I have school tonight it will be nice getting off at 5pm. Then I know my weekend starts. Tonight I do have class. I haven't had time to do homework, so I hope he doesn't ask for us to turn in any assignments. Next Tuesday we are getting a take-home test. I like those, but don't like those. They are harder then you want them to be. The first test that I got in Statistics was a 93%. I was happy with that. I know that if I keep up on homework and actually read the book, then I should do ok. I checked the Metro website and I noticed my name on the Deans list again. I like seeing it. The reason is because I work so hard and really do try to do well, I like earning that achievement. So, poop if that if vain. I don't care. Too bad I can't take more English classes, I could use those. I have been thinking about what I will do with my FREE time once I am out of school. I think that I will learn EXCEL more. I would like to be able to use those spreadsheets a little better. I will also get caught up on my reading. I have (no kidding) about 15-20 books that I have picked up over the years and have not had time to read them. I am excited about that. I also have the Oprah magazine that I need to get caught up on. So, lots of reading. Yesterday was a really nice day. I sat down with the girls and we read 6 books right in a row. It was nice because it gave me time alone with them. I normally would have allowed them to play while I got caught up on other shit, but I said screw it. I needed time with them. I hope that things are going ok for you. I hope that you have a good 4th of July. Please write and tell me what is going on. Also, UPLOAD pictures on Walgreens. I want to see you and the girls. I love you and miss you very much. Gotta go to work. Talk to you later. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 30th, 2008
9:18 am	Reading Lately I have been able to catch up on some reading. I only have one class right now which gives me more time than I have had in a long while. I am excited to know that I have about 6 weeks left of school. It will go faster than I know. Once this is done I will decide if I will go back and if I want to continue to do business. I really don't know. But, the more I deal with work the less I want to deal with business bullshit. I have about one more month before I get to go to days. I will work 7am-4pm with Sunday/Mondays off. It will be a change from having my Friday/Saturdays off, but it will be worth it. I can't wait. A couple of things that will change will be my pay. I will lose about $300 a month in a shift differencial. That will suck. But, I don't care. If I didn't take this chance now it would have been another 10 years before I could be on days. The husband will also have to change his schedule. He is getting (I believe) a better schedule than I will have. He will work 7-330pm on Sunday/Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 530pm-11pm. He will now have off Tuesday/Thursday and Saturday. But, he will be going to school so I hope he sticks to it. I have already said that if he doesn't then I will ask him to get a full-time job. The storms have been bad lately. I can't believe what God is trying to tell us. We have been lucky and have not had any damage yet. I do not want it to happen, but the girls keep asking about the storms. I tell them as long as they are safe, that is all that matters. But, the husband and I both took some pictures of the storms and some are really pretty. This morning is going to be crazy. I am heading out in 10 minutes to go to storytime for K2. Once that is done in a hour I have to run to WallyWorld. My glasses (frames) had to be replaced and they are lop-sided. Then after that I have to run to get catfood. I will then come home and then leave for work. Then I will be at work until 11pm and have to be back at 8am. Sometimes I have no idea if I am coming or going. I will have the husband check online and see about his transcripts from his school. Once we know what he has already taken we can sign him up for classes. I will also have him check about our Economy Stimulus check. We have not gotten that yet either. He asked what we were going to do with it and I told him Save it. I am not sure he liked that idea. But, it is the best thing to do right now. Well, I have to go. Gotta go to Storytime. Hope to hear from you in your journal. Take care and know that I miss and love you guys very much. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
9:15 am	Sunday already So, I can't believe that my weekend is over. It has been a nice weekend. Friday I spent cleaning (with the husbands help) for his b-day party that night. We did not have many people over. Just his parents, brother, sister-in-law and our sister and husband. Small, but good. I did not want to cook a whole bunch and I didn't want to be fake. So, we did not invite our side of the family. I am not sure they would have come. Then on Saturday I got all the pictures up on Walgreens.com and then I packed a picnic lunch, the girls rode their bike to the nearest park, we ate, they played on the playground and I did some homework. I then played a while with them and they rode their bikes home. K2 took a nap (or she pretended too) and then K1 helped her daddy. The husband has decided that the money he got from his parents for his birthday he wants to extend the front patio by 2 feet. So, he cleared all the rocks out and he worked on making the ground level. K1 helped clear out all the rocks. He will buy the cement and we will be able to have enough room for grilling and we were thinking about putting a swing in front. We have my original swing frame, but we need to buy another swing. I have seen them (wooden) for about $30 at a store, but it would be nice to have a swing in both the front and back yard. Also, while the husband worked on the front I took the girls in the back and let them swim in our little pool. I got to read my magizine for a while. It was nice and relaxing. I have been very relxed with my diet. I have not exercised since before vacation. I have gained a couple of pounds but I have decided that starting tomorrow I would get back on track. I will exercise in the morning, take the girls to storytime, and then go to work. I will start to eat better too. I just haven't thought about eating healthy because of my work schedule and the husbands b-day. Oh, by the way, he bought a Wii game with the giftcard you gave him. He put that with the money that dad gave him and he was able to get some fishing game and pinball game. Whatever makes him happy. I told him that he should do what ever he wanted and he did. You know that I have not thought about writing my life story lately. I know that I should. Maybe when I get done with school in August I can get back on track with that too. I would like to be able to do somethings that I have thought about. I also want to do some enjoyment reading. I miss that. I really wish you were here. I wish we could hang-out and just talk. It would be so cool to have that. Our sister and I have talked about when I go to my day shift. She says that we will leave the girls with her husband and go out shopping (or something) and I wish you were here to build that bond with us. I want to know that you will and are happy. You do deserve that. Mom called yesterday. I think that the tention between us is slowly going away. I no longer wonder what she is thinking. I no longer try to think that I can help her change. I have just realized that she will be who she is and that will not change until her dying day. I know that she believes she is happy and I guess that in her years, that is all that matters. She said something to me yesterday that I had to really think about. She said "I want you to know that I am truly the happiest that I have been in years. I love you girls, but I am finally free. I am finally happy." I wasn't sure if I should be happy or sad about what she said. But, I thought about it and if this is the way she needs to be, then be it. I know how hard it is raising kids, but I also know that no matter how frustrated I get I will never, ever regret my children. I know that we can be uphappy, but I am not sure that I will ever feel the need to say I am free from my children. But, as we know mom thinks differently. She doesn't know how to talk to us. She doesn't know how to be emotional. She has always managed to hide the feelings that should have been expressed. I just don't know about her sometimes. Please do not mention this to her. Well, today I have to go to work. I have realized at work that I do what I can and then walk away. I have thought about bringing work home with me, but screw it. I can always find a different job, not that I want too. But I know that right now I would be one of the last to go. I have also realized that I do not want any higher position in the company. I don't want the bull-shit. So, with me going to days I will not give that up unless I have too. Unless it is better for our family. I really am excited that the husband is going back to school. I can't wait. Well, I really should go for now. Sorry about the typo's but I have not looked over this journal. I need to go and take a shower. Tell the girls I said hi. Also, maybe when you take pictures you can put them on Walgreens. Then invite me to view the pictures. That way I can see the girls and be able to get some of all of you. I really love you and miss you. Write soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
7:12 am	catch up Lately things have been zooming by. I can never tell if I am coming or going. We got back from camping and then we cleaned everything and packed, washed and put away things. I told the husband that if I had a camper (pop-up) that I might be willing to go more often. Even for a weekend here and there. But, I did tell him that this tent crap, is crap. All I know is that the girls had fun, most of the time and so did I, most of the time. Since I have got back from vacation everything moved really fast. I was back at work before I wanted too. Then school started. I think that I will do Ok in school but not great. Statistics is really not that much to do with math. Yes, you have math to do but it is about graphs and key terms. I was really hoping for a black/white course. I really didn't want to think that much. But, I know that I will get at least a C. That is all I really need. The husband said I was going to get an A. I told him probably not this time. I am not sure if I told you or not but I will be going to a day shift at work. This will happen in August (probably at the start of Aug), but my new shift will be 7am - 4pm with Sunday/Monday off. I think that I will like the day hours. To be home at night with the girls and to be able to have a little free time once they go to bed. With the husband going back to school I will not have school work to do. Even if I did, I think it would be better. I may even consider school in the spring again if things are going good. I know that an Associates Degree is good, but I also know that a Bachelors is better. So, I will relook at what we are doing and go from there. I also want the husband to get his college education as fast as possible so that he can bring more money home. Computers is the way to go with a job now-a-days. Anyway, back to my schedule. I decided that since K1's school year went by so quickly that I was losing time. I missed her this past year. Yes, they can drive me crazy, but I still want to be a huge part of their life. So, the only way I could do this was get on a day shift. I know that people at work have mixed emotions. I have some people that are happy (in a good way). But, I do have some people that will hate that they will have to report to me. That is because they will be held to standards. I also had some ops that report to me right now were almost upset that I will be leaving the night shift. I have had some ops report to me for the last 4 years. It was with mixed emotions that they shared. I understand because I know that I will have a hard time ever seeing them again. Since I will be getting off at 4pm, I may not see them unless they do Overtime at work. Home life is good. I think I told you we got the playground up for the girls in the back yard. They really like that. The husband got the pool (small one) out for them yesterday. They were excited about that. It got hot enough after all the storms that we had to turn on the air conditioner. I waited until the last moment. I do not want the extra expense. This weekend we are having dinner at our house for the husbands birthday. By the way he got your card. I don't know why you sent a card. It really is not needed. You should be keeping all your money. But, I will let you know that he will spend it with a smile on his face. I saw the picture of all of you. I really can't believe how much all the girls have grown. They are getting to look so mature. I just can't believe that. Tell them that all of you look beautiful. You all really do. I wish you were closer. Oh, when I went to Grandma's house while on vacation I got you some of her salt-n-pepper shakers. I picked a couple out for you. I am going to hold on to them for a while because I don't really know how to send them yet. I just don't want them to break. But while I was there she kept telling me to take what I wanted. So, I picked a few for you and our sister. Also, we did take a couple of pictures while there. So, what do you think about the Walgreens website. I am thinking about doing that will most of the pictures that we take. That way you can view them and see the girls grow. You don't have to have them print any, but just let me know and I can make them for you. Well, I do have to go for now. I have to go and register the saturn. It is that time of year again. I miss you and wish you were closer. I know that we all would have sooooo much fun. And, one more thing....you are not old. You can't be old because that would make me old and I AM NOT OLD. You might just have a ache every once and a while. Cheer up. Life will get better. I love you!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
4:12 pm	Camping 2008 Sunday June 1, 2008 So, yesterday we got to the camp site at about dinner time. The day had been mostly driving, in the right direction, but it was still exhausting. The girls seemed to tolerate it pretty well. It is hard having a 3 and 5 year old in a van all day. But, once we got here everything got better. We set up our tents as quickly as possible because we did see a few rain clouds coming in. Sure enough as soon as we got up our tent it rained. It didn’t down pour but I was worried that our rain guard spray wouldn’t work. I just hope that it does. I think that I might spray again just to make sure. The bugs here are horrible. I hate feeling as if I am constantly shaking bugs off of me. But, I am doing this for a family memory. The girls had a bath before bed but we all were pretty tired by the time 9pm rolled around. As soon as we put the girls to bed they fell right asleep. The hubby went fishing with grandma and caught a few before coming back to camp. I was in bed by 9:30 pm and asleep by 9:35pm. Today we woke pretty early. It was about 6am. The night of sleep was good, but not great. There were some people who thought that it was their job to party all night long, but it was a good thing that I was really tired. It didn’t seem that bad and I understand that it was graduation weekend here in town. So, party on. We then tried to get the boats working and realized that we needed to go to town for a couple of things. We ate lunch in town, went to a couple of stores and then came back about 2pm and got to go out on the boats. This is when the excitement started. I knew that by the look on K1’s face that she probably would freak when a fish came to her poll. The worm grossed her out. K2 on the other hand seemed ok with fishing. In fact she was the one who caught most of the fish. She caught a few small ones and then she caught this big 10 pounder. They threw that fish back because it was not one they would eat. But, the big fish did scare her just a bit. Then the funny thing happened. After begging, and I mean begging, from K1 that she wanted to catch a fish, she did. Problem was that she really freaked and I mean really freaked out when the line got tight. She even ran away from her poll. K2 stepped up and brought the fish in. Once the fish was on the boat K1 didn’t want to even go near the fish. We had to hold the fish still so that we could get a picture of her next to HER fish. The smile on her face is completely fake. It was so funny. Grandma couldn’t help but laugh. She said that it was a trip to remember. That is why I do camping. Right now we are getting dinner ready. Then I will go give the girls a bath and then it will be bed time soon enough. I will probably read some of my magazine, relax, and then hit the bed. The campsite is almost empty because people have to go back to work tomorrow, so we have this to ourselves. It is kind of nice. Though this morning the girls did meet another girl who was 6 years old and they played for a while. But, she also left. Well, I do have to go for now. Maybe tomorrow I will update again. I will try to do it daily. Tuesday June 3, 2008 So much for writing daily. I get so caught up with taking care of the girls that I don’t really find time for myself. I know I should just expect that, but I wish I had a free moment. The only free moment I do have is when I am taking a shower. I get a whole 20 minutes to myself. Yesterday was a fine day. We did some game playing in the morning and fishing in the afternoon. We have had to run to the store each day so far. So much for roughing it. It has been things we need, I guess. Last night was something else. At about 130am the thunderstorms came rolling in. They didn’t stop for a long time. They kept going on until about 5am. I fell asleep but with the husband scared of them, it didn’t make it easy. The tent held up pretty good. Only a few wet spots but we are expected to have some more again tonight. Today we decided to drive 30 miles south to Worthington, MN and go to Walmart and buy a few warm items of clothes. I packed a few but not enough for each day. So far we have had one warm day (the day we got here). They are not expecting to have another warm day until Friday, maybe Saturday. So, I should have listened to my instincts. I said I was going to bring warmer clothes and I was told I was crazy. So, I only brought a couple pairs of warm pants. Well, in Worthington we went to the 2 main stores they had (walmart and shopko) and neither one of them had any sweatpants or even pants that would be good. I did find some clearance items but I will have to add a jacket or two to keep them warm. We also made a stop at Grandmas house. It was nice for the girls to see their great-grandma because she is getting older and traveling less. She is 85 now and time only goes by quicker when you are at home in the real job world. We stayed for a while. The girls were able to play with a couple of cousins for a while and then we headed to the campsite. It was nice for the visit. I did pick up some salt-n-pepper shakers for us sisters. She told me to take what I wanted and so I picked a few for you too. I will keep them safe until I can send them. Well, I have to help prepare dinner. I have to go for now and I will write more later. Maybe tomorrow since we are expected to have more rain. Until next time. Saturday June 7, 2008 Camping check list 7 tank tops 7 pairs of shorts 7 different kinds of sunscreen 7 different kinds of bug repellent s Rainy days and bugs who loved repellent, priceless! I brought summer clothes with us but we used NONE of it. It rained daily and we had thunderstorms at night. It was pretty crappy. We were eating lunch on Thursday when we were listening to the radio and they said it was going to be nothing but storms for the next couple of days. I think that I voiced how miserable it would be for the girls to be stuck in a tent with nothing to do for the next couple of days. That is when it was mentioned that maybe we should just pack up and leave. I was onboard. So, we rushed and packed up before the major part of the storm hit. We were packing in the rain and thunder. The girls sat in the van and watched a movie while we got soaking wet. It was a bunch of crap but I was glad to leave. I didn’t want to be stuck cold, wet and bored at a campsite that was going to be muddy. The thing about this camping trip is that we had to wear pants, jackets and almost winter clothing while there. It rained every night and part of the days. It was getting old. The bugs seemed to welcome the bug repellent and we got annoyed beyond belief. It didn’t matter if you had bug repellent on or not, they ate it up. The sunscreen was obsolete. We used it the day we arrived at camp and that was the last day that we needed to use it. I was over packed with summer crap. Thursday we drove most of the afternoon. We got to his parents house at 10pm and left the girls there so they could get some sleep. Then we got home at 1120pm and then we went to bed. I got up at 7am and started laundry. The clothes never dried from the trip. We had damp clothes from everyday that I was hoping would not mildew. I want to let you know that I was told that I fished. It was by complete accident. K2 had a fish on her line and she couldn’t bring it in. So, I grabbed the pole and brought it in. It was a catfish and it was pulling pretty hard. I didn’t mean to fish (and it is not something that I would do on purpose) but his parents looked at me and said “now that is fishing”. Then they called me your name. They kept telling me all I needed now was a fishing license. I said “no way”. Friday was the first day back from vacation and it was a beautiful day. It was about 80 degrees and I actually got a little sunburn. I was excited. We went to his parents house to get the girls and all the things that we left in their boat (that were rain soaked). We got home about 8pm and I went to the laundry-mat and washed all the sleeping bags and blankets. Today, Saturday, we were invited to go to the zoo with our cousin Pam and her family. They are in town for the weekend and so we have spent the last 5 hours at the zoo. The girls are resting before we head over to dads house for dinner. We were invited and so we thought, what the heck. The husband was bored so he went to a store. He will meet us at dads house. I think he just needed some time alone. I get that way too. He wanted me to go but I told him we had to leave in 30 minutes and that it would not be enough time to go there and back. So, I told him to go and meet us for dinner. After I get home tonight I will probably watch a little tv and then go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that. This coming week K2 has storytime at the library, I start my summer class on Tuesday and I will have a busy schedule for the next 10 weeks. But, we will be looking into classes for the husband and seeing what he needs to take. Hey, I think that I am going to upload my camping pictures to Walgreens.com so that if there is a picture you want, you can order it (I was told .29 cents) or you can tell me so that I can send you the print. But, this way you get what you want and what you think is cute. I was told about this site but have not tried it before. Well, I do have to go for now. I will talk to you later. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 25th, 2008
10:08 am	Why do I even think that I am family Last night we went to Maryanne's birthday party. We were over at their house and the girls were playing fine. But, I sometimes wonder why I even try. I personally feel so out of place. I should be able to just be myself, but there is always this feeling that no matter what I say or tell them it is not the right thing. I sometimes think that they wish they could control us. I didn't know that our younger sister had surgery. She had it on her hip. She has to be home to recoop for 4 months. So, I asked her if she was going to go back to sports. She didn't know. I wonder what that will do to her future. I sometimes wish I could make an excuse to not go to their family functions. Funny thing is that I don't care if they come to ours. I invite them because that is the right thing to do, but I don't care if they show. I know that when we have the girls party, I know they will come, but they don't really have too. There are so many things that I wanted to get done before school started again. Problem is that we leave for camping this next Saturday and then the Monday when I get back I have school again. I also don't care to return to work. I wish that I could afford to find another job. I get tired of feeling trapped by that job. I kind of wish that the husband would have thought of going to school a long time ago. Well, I have to go for now. I have to make the girls lunch and then I have to go to work. For some reason I feel as if I need to improve my attitude or I will have a horrible day. I need to work on my attitude. Talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
8:18 am	The baby bird (my dream) I was at work and I got a call from you. You said that you wanted to meet and get to know my children. I wasn’t sure what was going on. But, of course I wouldn’t turn this down. So, I finish yelling at some people at work and we meet. We had been apart for such a long time but when we saw each other it was like old times. I meet up with you at this strange city. I am not sure where we were, but I liked the atmosphere. There were tree leaves falling around us. The colors on the ground were gold, and orange and everything just seemed so perfect. It was a very beautiful, warm day. The sun was hitting our faces perfect. Then I notice that you are holding this metal baby bird figurine. It was this strange, but peaceful looking thing. It was small enough to fit in the palm of your hand and it made this beautiful sound. Almost like a wind chime, but a little softer, gentler sound that just made your heart feel good. I asked you what that was and you said “for you”. I asked “why for me?” You just put it in my hands and you told me that you wanted me to have it. I looked at it and that is when you take my hand and you rang the chimes on this baby bird. You said that it made this beautiful sound so that I would always know. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but this baby bird made it seem like everything was ok. I kept looking at you and I saw that you had tears in your eyes. I look at the bird and I had finally seen the words on it. “It is hard to say hello and goodbye. I love you.” What does this mean I asked wondering why you would put this on this little bird. You kept saying you wanted me to have it. “But why? Why do you want me to have this?” I kept asking you because you wouldn’t answer. You finally looked at me and this is when you said, “remember when I told you I was going to the store this morning. Well, I was meeting with this doctor. I was double checking my situation.” I was extremely puzzled by what you were saying. I didn’t know what was going on. You had not mentioned anything to me in the past about anything being wrong. What were you about to tell me? You then proceeded to tell me that you wanted me to have this bird, this baby bird, to remember life. I look down and saw the words again “It is hard to say hello and goodbye. I love you.” You then said, “I have 48.” “48 what?” I asked. I was getting teary eyed because you were looking at me very strangely. You couldn’t say what you needed to say, you were having a hard time telling me. “What!” I kept yelling. “What! What is it!” Very softly you looked at me and said in the smallest voice, “I have lung cancer and I have 48…” “48 months? 48 weeks? 48 days?” I questioned. “48 hours” you said with tears running down your eyes. I fell to my knees. I kept thinking that this was not happening. You don’t have 48 hours. You were lying to me. You were being stupid. You were playing this horrible, stupid, mean trick on me. Why would you say such a thing? That is when you grabbed my hand and softly rang the chimes from the baby bird. You whispered in a loving voice, “I am giving you this to remember me by. I want you to ring this and know that I will be with you. I have had cancer for a while but I thought that I would get through this. I never expected for it to stay. I have 48 hours left and I wanted to make sure you knew, as my life, as my twin, what you meant to me. I wanted for our last hours together to be the words of beauty.” I was on ground, holding this baby bird in my hand, with tears falling down my face onto this baby bird. This couldn’t be happening. This is not real. This is all a bad dream. I woke up. I was crying my eyes out. I am still crying as I try to write this all down. I woke up knowing that it was too early to actually call you, but that as soon as it was late enough for you, I was calling. I am still crying. I have been awake for a half-an-hour. I just can’t get over my dream. I just can’t shake that you were/are hiding anything from me. What does this dream mean? What is going on? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
9:34 am	One more done I just got done with my final for Economics. Thank goodness she did what she said she would and took the questions for the test right out of the book. I walked in, studied for about 10 minutes and I took the test in less than 10 minutes. If you just studied the answers from the back of each chapter, she made the test the same. So, after knowing that I got an A on this test, I can probably say that I will get the A in the class. I can't see why I wouldn't. So, now comes the last class tomorrow. I have math and I am not too worried about this class. I am carrying a 96%, but in order for me to keep the A, I do have to take the test. If I didn't care I could skip the test and take a B in the class. But, that would mess up my GPA. As of right now my GPA is 3.8 Well, I keep thinking about the husband taking classes in the Fall. I am really excited about this because maybe he can get a different job (same company) but make more money. He is so smart, he just doesn't use all of his potential. So, I will help him sign up for classes, buy books as the cheapest price possible and maybe even help with homework (if needed). Some of the classes he will take are classes I already have taken. I have to be in to work at noon today. I will have to work 10 hours today. I am only doing this today and Thursday so that I can be off on Friday and Saturday. I am thrilled about that. I can't wait for a weekend off. No vacation used. Well, I have to do more math. But, I just thought that I would share my good feeling with you. I hope you are doing good. I do read your journals. I try to check daily even when I don't have time to write. I always keep up with yours. Love you and miss you. Talk to you soon. (Comment on this)