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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2008.09.24  00.19 Still alive. Time for my monthly update. I'm just going to accept the fact that I'm only going to have time to write in here about that often...at least until December. Not much to update in terms of work. There's progress being made with the transition, slowly but surely. We've already had two live performances with the mass group which, at face value, weren't any worse than anything these people have ever done in recent memory. They're good players when they want to be. It's all about attitude right now. I have my first formal observation toward tenure on Friday morning. That's the one awful thing about moving to a new school district -- I have to restart my two year tenure track from scratch. It's half past midnight and I have to be at work in 6 hours. I need to get to bed. Before I do, I thought I'd post something that sums up everything in my life as of late (both professionally and personally): From The Four Agreements (1997) by Don Miguel Ruiz Agreement 1 Be impeccable with your word -- Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. Agreement 2 Don’t take anything personally -- Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. Agreement 3 Don’t make assumptions -- Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. Agreement 4 Always do your best -- Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. Mood: drained

	2008.08.26  22.08 Update. I've fallen considerably behind when it comes to updating, but I have a legitimate excuse... This past week, I've worked until 7 or 8 and then passed out almost as soon as I got home. It sounds like a pain, but I really don't mind the extended hours as much anymore knowing that I don't have a 45 minute drive to look forward to anymore after I leave work. Living 5 minutes away from campus is a blessing. I'm actually over at the university library right now because I won't have internet or cable access at my new apartment until next Monday. The kids at this new school are good. Of course, I'm running into a lot of the problems I expected -- "You're not the old director, so I don't really care what you have to say." Fortunately, out of 125 kids on the roster, it's only a few that I feel aren't buying into the new philosophy or can't be won over in time. We're trying to make the transition to two new directors as smooth as possible, but there are some things that we can't sugar coat... Like the firing of staff. About a week ago, we chose not to renew the contract of the main percussion instructor from last year, and I just fired two other staff members this morning. I heard them talking to students about how "clueless the new guys are" and how they're going to "run this place into the ground." Needless to say, their asses were gone before lunch. At any rate, even with some of the problems, I'm still much, much happier than I've been in such a very long time. I'm finally finding myself looking forward to coming to work every morning... I definitely needed this. Ok, I should stop pissing around here and go home. Maybe I'll drop by the new university pub on my way out. Yes, there's actually a pub at the university now. Awesome. Mood: pleased

	2008.08.17  09.24 Another quick post. Just a quick update in list form -- * Band camp was successful. School starts next Wednesday and I feel like I should be more nervous, but I'm completely psyched. * I'm moving into my new apartment today. My parents are paying $870/month for their mortgage. I'm paying $812/month for rent. * I'm happier right now than I've been in such a very long time. Ok, perhaps more later tonight. Mood: satisfied

	2008.08.11  00.10 Quick post. This will be a quick one because I'm absolutely exhausted and have to be up fairly early in the morning. Back from teaching/conducting at a week-long music camp. One of the campers went online and posted a photo of me and her online and wrote in the caption box "Thanks for showing me that choir is an amazing art." I saw this today and almost cried a little -- this is the sweetest thing that anyone has said to me in a long time. I technically start work tomorrow. Meetings all morning, then band camp for the next three days. School starts next Wednesday. This will be interesting. That's all for now...I can't stay awake any longer. Mood: exhausted

	2008.07.31  01.11 Maybe more than just acquaintances... I feel like such a douche bag. Out of the blue, A's mom congratulated me on the new job in an email a couple days ago. At the bottom was a quoted email from A telling her mom that I had landed the job and that she was "so incredibly happy and excited" for me and that I "deserve this so much." At the end, she told her mom that she's always wanted the best for me and hopes everything goes well this year. It was so incredibly genuine than it made my stomach hurt from embarrassment and shame. I've had so many awful thoughts and have said so many horrible things about her (mostly to myself). I'm working so incredibly hard to be a good person and I honestly feel I've come a long way, but it's little things like this that remind me of how far I have to go. A called me earlier this evening and asked me for help with her program. Her district is pushing for her to expand the program to be a competitive band and they've "asked" her to compete in two band reviews this year (the word "asked" being in quotes because requests and mandates are pretty much the same in cases like this). No one there has ever competed in a band review and the first one is in three months (not much time at all if you're starting from scratch like they are). Her school is on modified traditional schedule and she's been in school now since Monday. I'm on my way to Bear Valley on Friday for a little over a week to teach and conduct both the all-camp choir and orchestra. Since her school is on the way there, she asked me if I could stop by and work with her kids for a couple hours on marching fundamentals and walk them through the process of the parade competition of a band review. The last time I saw her face to face was 7 months ago when I was in San Jose for a music education conference. I was still very much bitter and actually left early because I couldn't stand being around her and her new boyfriend. Up until a couple weeks ago, I probably would have found some reason not to do it. But...things are different now. I've discovered that I really do want the best for her (and deep down, I think I always have, but was just too consumed in anger...if that makes any sense). I said yes. Bed. Mood: tired Music: Queen -- "I'm Going Slightly Mad"

	2008.07.28  11.11 Long day tomorrow. Looks like I didn't get back to normal. Really, the only reason I'm here right now is because I made a commitment to re-developing my writing habit. My old district released me this morning, no questions asked. I figured I'd have a fight on my hands, considering the opt-out deadline was a month ago and I already signed to renew my contract with them. Either way, I wasn't going back. Worst case scenario -- they would refuse to release me, move to terminate me at their next school board meeting and file for sanctions against me with the State Board of Education. That could result in having my credential revoked for a year. Of course, they'd have a hard time doing that since I was claiming I was leaving for personal health reasons (which isn't technically a lie...) and that process would be way more effort than anybody wants to put in. The magnitude of this new job hasn't sunk in yet. I suppose it won't until I'm standing in front of a 130 piece marching band instead my old dinky 40 member group in a little under four weeks...and then the novelty will very quickly fade, I'm sure. I'm an Assistant Band Director now instead of heading everything. That's more than fine with me... This is a much bigger, more established program, and it means that I won't have to take all the heat by myself when it starts. And it will...it always does. :-) I need to get to bed. I'm going to my now former school tomorrow to clean out my office and turn in those 50 billion keys I bitched about one year ago. Then it's off to the Bay Area to celebrate with my friend who also got a new job this past week. Good times. Mood: tired

	2008.07.27  23.30 Sleep deprived. For the past week, I haven't been getting to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning. I think tonight might finally be the night my sleep pattern gets back to normal. Mood: exhausted

	2008.07.26  22.12 Breathe. I tendered my letter of resignation on Friday. Come Monday morning, I'll have a better idea of the size of the shit storm that's going to be unleashed over the course of the next couple months. For the past 11 months, I'd convinced myself that the best thing I could do to preserve my mental sanity would be to get away from that place and back into a city. There were many times that I'd absolutely dread going to work. Now that it's actually happening, I think I'm going to find myself missing it. Well, actually...I'll be missing the kids. A lot. I couldn't care less about anything else about that place. I was curious, so I signed into the district attendance server and checked what my band roster would have looked like for next year. What really makes me feel bad is that in a program of declining numbers over the past 4 years, there's a net gain of 13 students next year (that's about a third of last year's membership). Despite the fact that I felt like I bombed last year, I suppose I must've been doing something right. Okay, I won't let myself get depressed over it. Really, I'm incredibly excited (and scared shitless) about next year. This will be interesting. Mood: optimistic

	2008.07.25  19.14 Hyperventilation. I got the job. My chest feels like it's going to explode. Now I just have to see if my current district will release me four weeks before classes start. Mood: shocked

	2008.07.24  22.30 Turn the corner. Decided to shave off the goatee today. I'd been thinking about it for some time now, mainly because even though I liked the look of it, keeping it trimmed up and looking decent was making me feel much more high-maintenance than I really care to be right now. It's been well over a year since I've been completely clean shaven and I'm still getting used to the feeling. Not entirely sure if I like myself with no facial hair, although it'll all grow back fairly quickly if I let it, so it's not like I have to deal with it long if I decide to go back. It was also a sort of turning point for me in a weird way, considering one of the big reasons I decided to grow it in the first place. When I first went to college, I was sporting facial hair until my sophomore year when I started dating A and she convinced me to get rid of it because she didn't like the feeling of it every time we'd kiss. I was against it at first, since being clean shaven drops about 5+ years off my perceived age...although to be perfectly honest, that quickly changed as soon as I discovered it was a big contributing factor to a pretty noticeable increase in sex. Fast forward to about a year and a half ago when we broke up. At the time, I was incredibly bitter and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her or anything that remotely reminded me of her. So I grew it out in a sort of childish spite -- "You hated when I had it...so take that!" In retrospect, I feel like a complete shithead. At any rate, I've kept it all that time up until this afternoon. Of course, it's not like I was keeping the damn goatee a full year and a half later for the same idiotic reasons. It actually didn't even cross my mind today until after I was about halfway done shaving. However, thinking about it now, it feels strangely liberating. When I made the decision to grow it back then, it was a twisted, irrational attempt to get away from the control I felt she still had over me emotionally... In actuality, that act merely increased it -- and I was the one responsible for permitting it in the first place. Despite the fact that it wasn't the original point, I'm going to consider this a symbolic act of finally releasing any final bitterness over the entire situation. Whatever little bit of control over my overall happiness and outlook on relationships that may have remained all this time is no more. And if I decide to grow it back, it will be for no reason other than the fact that for the first time ever, I got carded for buying a fucking video game today. Mood: thoughtful Music: Bob Marley -- "So Much Trouble in the World"

	2008.07.23  20.28 Homicidal therapy. Spent most of the day killing things in MGS4. It's amazing how morbidly satisfying shooting digital people in the back of the head with a sniper rifle can be. Sometimes I pretend that I'm offing stupid people I have to deal with at work. I promise I'm not a bad person. :-) I have a job interview this Friday morning for a position at a school I've had my eye on for two years. It was nothing short of a small miracle that the position actually managed to open up. We'll see how this goes. Getting back into the habit of writing is nice... Mood: dorky Music: The Beatles -- "Come Together"

	2008.07.22  03.49 Still awake. It's now almost 4 in the morning. Insomnia's a bitch. Mood: restless

	2008.07.21  22.09 It's an Ella sort of night. Missed yesterday. Man, I have a shitty track record. I contemplated leaving this entry at that, but I just read something that got me thinking. One of my friends keeps posting depressing notes on Facebook about how incredibly jaded she is when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I really just want to punch her in the face...as hypocritical as that is. We all have our moments of attention whoring, and I try not to judge when I run into it. But at a certain point, one needs to get over whatever the hell it is that's eating away at them and move forward. Make a positive change in your life. Now, I just need to follow my own damn advice. Mood: okay Music: Ella Fitzgerald -- "Moonlight in Vermont"

	2008.07.19  21.39 Lazy day. In an attempt to get back into the habit of writing, I've decided to start posting something everyday -- even if it only turns out to be a couple sentences. I have over a decade of continuous entries from various journals (both hard and electronic), and after re-reading many of the entries, I've found that some of the most meaningful ones were those that consisted of a handful of words. Spent the majority of the day playing video games. Just now as I typed that, I shook my head a little because of how childish that sounds...even knowing that feeling that way is absurd -- I'm only 23. Truth be told, this whole line of thinking is something I'm still fighting -- feeling caught somewhere between being an "independent adult" and wanting to play soccer at lunch recess. Things have a tendency to work themselves out...just gotta keep pushing. Mood: lazy Music: Guns N' Roses -- "Sweet Child O' Mine"

	2008.07.18  22.35 The return. I'm back. Again. It's been so incredibly long since I've written anything (in here, or otherwise), and I miss having a place to record my stupidity. I'm only half joking... :-) I did, in fact, manage to survive my first contracted year of teaching with a bit of sanity left. Technically, I'm still employed at that same school, although I haven't abandoned my plans of bailing if I'm offered a position at a better school. Applications are in and now I'm crossing my fingers for interview calls. Aside from that, there isn't much new in my life (as depressing as that may be considering the amount of time that's passed since my last post). In terms of my social life, I've been on dates with a couple people since Santa Cruz hippie woman (that feels like ages ago), but nothing much has come from it. Things are still fine with "A" (my ex-girlfriend). After a year of hanging on to so much resentment, I'm so very close to being able to let it all go completely -- every once in a while, something will still fire up some of those bitter feelings. We were talking online a few days ago and she was upset that we weren't as close as we used to be. I basically told her something along the lines of "What did you expect?" and that I'm quite happy with just being colleagues/acquaintances right now. Ok, that's about all the writing I can do for now. I'm going to try to jumpstart my writing habit again...I need something like this in my life. Mood: okay Music: Jimi Hendrix -- "All Along the Watchtower"

	2008.03.03  22.36 Yeah. I think it's been established that I suck at this whole "writing" thing. Nothing earth-shattering has happened to me in the past month and a half since I last updated this poor thing. Actually, I've been back here about once every two weeks with every intention of writing something. Then, as soon as I begin writing, I lose interest and close the browser window. Story of my life. I've decided that I'm hitting a quarterlife crisis pretty hard. I came to that conclusion when I found myself writing a letter of intent and submitting an online application to Google during the middle of my 3rd period class while they were busy watching a video. In all honesty, I actually have no intention of leaving my field after only a year. However, I have EVERY intention of leaving high school music and moving down. As much as I enjoy working with high school students, I've learned that I simply don't have the energy or the desire to spend 3/4 of my life in a band room. I did the math just now and realized I spent 81 hours this past week either in the classroom or on the road at a competition for this stupid program. I can't do this anymore. I'm losing interest again. I better post this before I close it out again. Mood: blah

	2008.01.12  12.07 Still alive, I suppose... My apologies for not updating recently -- this being directed at myself, as I write for no external audience. When I look back at my writing 20 years from now, I imagine I'll prefer to not have huge gaps in my entries...for nostalgia's sake. I'll skip the New Year commentary...the month is half over. It was good -- spent the day with the family and went to Disneyland with my mom as part of my Christmas present to her. I'll leave it at that. I'm supposed to be at a music educators' conference as I'm writing this. I took the day off from school yesterday to drive to San Jose for the first day of it, spent 4 hours there and decided the whole thing was a waste of time and gas. There's another conference in March -- a full state conference that appears to offer more sessions that'll actually be useful to me. I suppose running into A and her new 40 year old flame there didn't help. Not that I had any interaction at all with them...nor did I feel any real emotion. However, I know myself well enough to know when to leave before I come anywhere near going down that path. Ah, the challenges of ending a relationship with a colleague in a field so incredibly "small world" and interconnected. Ok, I have other things I need to do. Back later, perhaps (but probably not). Mood: good

	2007.12.25  21.00 "Shiny Tree Day" update... My Christmas wasn't anything special. Everyone in my family has already pretty much gotten their gifts well in advance (myself included), so today wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I told this to A last night and she commented "That's sad...Christmas should be special." I wasn't particularly in the mood to argue that I don't particularly need the "It's a Wonderful Life"-esque ending to enjoy it. I treat every time I come home as being special...I don't need some arbitrary date to tell me it should be any *more* out of the ordinary. That being said, it has lost a certain charm over the years -- but I expect that to return instantly as soon as I have kids of my own. I've managed to make it through my first semester of contracted teaching. We'll see if I'm still employed come March 14th (the deadline for the district to tell me if they're renewing my contract for next year). I've already been told from various sources throughout the district that I've proven myself to be not quite so expendable...so who knows. The important thing is whether or not I'm going to decide to return on my own. We'll see. It's interesting (and embarassing) to read some of my earlier entries and see how much I hated everything. Things aren't nearly so bad anymore -- but we'll see what happens. Speaking of old entries, I was digging through some old boxes in my old room at my parents' house and found one with a bunch of 3.5 floppy disks. One of them contained a bunch of files of music I had written back in high school that I had long ago considered lost. Along with that was an electronic journal I had kept all through the first 2 years of high school. Re-reading that was so incredibly painful...mainly because of the issues I considered to be distressing. Ugh. Looking on the bright side, with the addition of these rediscovered journal entries, I now have in my possession a continuous collection of personal journal writing spanning a little over 10 years. Very cool. Ok, I've been on the computer too long. Maybe another update later... Or perhaps tomorrow. Mood: good Music: "Breeze Black Night" -- The Ditty Bops

	2007.12.15  11.31 The light at the end of the tunnel... Sitting at my parents' place right now stealing wireless from someone...it's amazing how incredibly strong the signal is. I decided to come down and visit this weekend, despite the fact I'm going to be back here in about a week for the holidays. It still gets lonely every once in a while living solo in the middle of nowhere. Almost done with the semester...next week is finals. My Music Appreciation students have papers due on Tuesday (the last day before finals start) and I told them if any of them turned them in last Friday, I would give them a little bit of extra credit. So of course, a couple did...and one of them was literally lifted directly from Wikipedia -- word for word. And here's the really good part -- the kid was too dumb to cut and paste it into a word processor and just printed it directly....the "paper" he handed in to me still had the web address stamp on the bottom of the page. I love failing stupidity, lol. In other news, I'm going out with that math teacher again this week. I figure what the hell...a single, young, attractive, smart woman is agreeing to go get trashed with me after finals on Friday *and*, while making plans for it, she made the offer that afterwards, we could catch a cab back to her place. Like I'm going to turn that down... Ok, I'm off to brave the stores for Christmas shopping. On a weekend. At least I'll have a little time during the week to take care of it -- the school day gets out at noon during finals week and I won't have TOO much actual grading to do. Whoever invented the Scantron is a genius.

	2007.12.02  08.38 Breathing a little easier... Last night I came here at around 2 in the morning hoping that writing something in here would cause me to want to go to sleep (I didn't get home until 11:00p and couldn't sleep for some awful reason, so I spent the next 3 hours playing Hearts on my computer). Strangely enough, as soon as I loaded the site and thought about the effort it would take to write something, I instantly wanted to crash for the evening -- so I did. Very eventful past week... For starters, the city's annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony was last night and our band played some carols for that and then went inside the city theater and performed a winter concert. Overall, it went fairly well -- little snags here and there, but no train wrecks. I'm happy...mostly because it's over and I can breathe easy for the rest of the semester. In other news, I found out this week that the math teacher that I went out on a date with about a month ago and have become good friends with was recently fired (well...asked to resign) -- effective at the end of the semester (they're not even going to let her finish out the year). I know she's had problems with classroom management and keeping on top of paperwork and making sure grades are up to date in the computer, but I haven't seen or heard about anything major she's done to deserve getting canned like that. I suppose it was all the little things... Never mind that she's an intern though -- she's not even a fully credentialed teacher like the rest of us. She's taking classes 2 days a week as part of her teacher training on top of trying to deal with teaching 7 periods (6 of which are remedial algebra courses with the worst kids in the school in them). This is her student teaching preparation and no one at the high school was giving her any support. The bad part about the teaching profession is that for the first 2 years of employment with a school district, you're a probabtionary employee, which means that until you're awarded tenure, the district reserves the right to terminate you for "cause" at any time until about halfway through the second semester of each probationary year. The teachers union rep tried his best to protect her, but couldn't do much because they refused to tell her why they wanted her gone (and don't have to). What's really bad is that she's currently renting a house and her lease doesn't expire until March -- if she can't find suitable employment soon, she'll be without money after December. Blah. Anyway, I've spent enough time here. I'm going back to the university today to catch a band concert that a bunch of my friends from college are playing in. It'll be good to hear music that isn't Christmas related -- or Grade 2 (middle school band level). Mood: relaxed

	2007.11.27  20.58 Almost there... If I can make it through the end of this week, I should be ok for the rest of the semester. This Saturday evening is our first major non-marching performance. Too bad we've only been given about a week and a half to prepare for it. Marching season ended late this year (third week of November) and the Christmas tree lighting ceremony this band normally plays at every year always happens the first weekend of December. Despite the fact that we're pretty much flying by the seat of our pants trying to get a full concert prepared in only 8 days, I think we'll be ok. Another high school band position is opening up at the end of this year (the quality of the program is amazing -- far better than what I'm dealing with right now in terms of support and resources). Of course, I'm going to apply and hopefully interview for it. If I happen to be lucky enough to be offered the position, I'm definitely taking it...hands down. It'll most likely mean a pay cut (I believe my current district pays more), although I'll be willing to take it if the program is anything like it was when I last saw it a couple years ago. Ok, I'm tired of talking about work...despite the fact that my life is pretty much consumed by it. I really need this semester to be over. Mood: tired

	2007.11.24  20.04 Obligatory post-holiday update... Thanksgiving was a much needed break. I've spent the past 4 days at my parents' house trying to not think about work and the week of hell I have coming up (I'm on my folks' computer as I'm writing this). Unfortunately, I'm back at work on Monday morning. We're coming up to the final push to the end of the semester...which means massive amounts of grading in the near future. Only 20 days left until I can breathe easy for another two weeks and get a fresh start with a new semester and new kids in half of my class load. Try as I might to do otherwise, I've been waking up around 6 or 7 in the morning these past couple days. Damn job's got my internal clock locked. I suppose I shouldn't be complaining... Waking up at 7 is now "sleeping in," and I'm more than fully rested when that happens. My average day starts at 5:30a and I usually crash around 9:00p. Sometimes I miss being able to stay up until 1:00a. Ok, I'm starting to get fed up with the computer I'm on right now (not to mention that I'm on dialup), so I'm going to call it quits here. Possibly another update tomorrow evening. Mood: lazy

	2007.11.05  19.08 Closure, I suppose... Got a call from Ms. Santa Cruz this afternoon. Just as I expected, she thanked me for the great time we had three weeks ago, and then informed me that she has recently begun seeing someone else who lives a bit closer to her than I do. Then she said she felt bad for not returning my calls when our plans for a second date flopped. No, I wasn't really upset (mainly because I had already pretty much given up on her, and because I understand about the distance). Still, I found myself a tad irritated at the fact that she couldn't have just told me three weeks ago instead of letting me wonder what went wrong. At least she explained everything...as annoying as it was. I realize being in your early 20s is still quite young, but seriously...grow up. Ordered a brand new $2000 laptop today...because I can. I've wanted one for the past 2 years. And it's a tax write-off since I'll be using it for work. Ok, I need to get off the computer. My eyes are starting to hurt. Mood: tired

	2007.11.01  21.45 So tired... I should update... Our first band review went ok... We didn't come in last, which was pretty much my personal goal for that particular competition. Cmparing our scores with what the band has done in years previous at their first competition of the year, we did alright -- and even though we didn't win anything, we're doing the best with the resources we've got. In terms of my personal/social life, I really don't know what to think anymore. I haven't actually spoken with the woman I went out on a date with in Santa Cruz since the 17th -- our second date didn't actually end up happening. I tried to get in touch with her but couldn't get a hold of her. She called me back about a week later and apologized for the crap communication and blamed it on her phone -- and I called her back later that evening and got her voicemail again. I've pretty much left it at that...I can take a hint (despite the fact that I thought our first date went off pretty well). At any rate, if she really wants to get in touch with me and this really is just an unfortunate game of bad timing, she'll figure it out. After 2 weeks though, I'm a little fed up with the whole thing, so whatever. Along those same lines, I actually ended up going on a date with a math teacher yesterday (there were no classes and our school had an optional professional development day where they paid teachers $200 to show up to work and do some writing evaluation project...er...something. The two of us decided to bail and spend the day together instead. And...again a minor flop. While she's quite attractive and we had a good time together, I had a hard time seeing the two of us together -- too many things about her that just aren't my thing. She makes a kick-ass friend and is an awesome person to hang out with though. But whatever...stranger things have happened. I'm done playing this game for now... ...and with this entry. I'm falling asleep. Mood: exhausted

	2007.10.26  21.39 Blah. I should not be awake right now. I have to be in my band room in a little over 7 hours getting ready for our first marching competition. The bus rolls out promptly at 6:00a, which means the kids get there at 5:30a...which means I'm there by 5...which means I leave home by 4:15...which means I wake up at 3:45ish. Ugh. The only good thing about it is that we're one of the first groups to perform and we'll be finished by 9:30a. Oh yeah...we're going to get stomped tomorrow morning -- but it's ok. We're doing the best we can with the resources we've got. Ok, I need to go to bed. Stupid band review. Mood: exhausted