Kendall's Blurty -- Entries

Kendall's Blurty Entries

Kendall

[ website | My Website ]

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]

[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[17 Jan 2004|09:24pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

[ music | " RIGHT HERE IN THESE ARMS" -- HIM ]

what the fuck is with guys these days? Its like dude what the fuck is your problem. When they want a girl and shes involved wit someone else, they'll stick around, and when finally she's ready to be wit them, they lik, pshht oh well dont want u nemore. Like what the fuck is that. Ok so obviously im talkin about jake. Like what the fuck. He wants to start "talking" to me or whatever and i was like aight thats chilln cuz he was all interested in me, and so i call him and what not, he never fucki talks on the phone or nethang, and then i went over his house last nite and that was chillen ya kno we got along great and had "fun" so i call him like 5 min ago to see wat hes doin monday since we don't have school, and he was like nothin, and that was it. So i was like what are udoin, he was like well i WAS playin a game. But i paused it to answer the phone" He said like interrupted him from someting important,so i was like well would u rather play your game and he flat out siad "yea that would be better" I was lik aigh whatever, i guess i'l jus talk to you 'later' then". Uhhhh guys wouldn;t notice a miracle if it was right in front of them. Iono he needs to go back out wit liz or somethin cuz theyseem more "compatable" Iono, i see all these girls and all my friends wit there boyfriends, and they make it seem like its soo perfect and tere boyfriends are sooo perfect and its soo easy, shit i have yet to meet or eve see a desent guy. For some reason i attract all the assholes. I'm really "dissapointed" in myself for feeling like i need a guy, a "good" at that to. B/c for a while i was so appy wt note having one adn it didn't matta to me that i didin't cuz i had decided that i didn't need guy, and now that i got 3 and they all treat me like shit i jus want one jus to see if there is such thang as a "good boyfriend" cuz i haven't expienced it lately, shit haven't experineced it YET. Sneeky lil bastards.

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[17 Jan 2004|12:31am]

[ mood | horny ]

well as you can tell from my entry earlier, that my day pretty much sucked and it sure as helll didn;t get ne fucking better. Atleast the day part of it. Well i went over jakes tonite as planed, and it was....GREAT. Haha he's really sweet, and has a way wit his hands that jus, uhh to die for. I'm not sure if we're "together" or what, but its kinda bad timing b/c whats my mom guna say when i keep asking her to take me over his house so we can jus chill there. I mean he can't go newhere, hes on house arrest, i can't tell my mom that cuz i have a strong feeling she would flip. Iono i wish he would jus straighten up a lil, or atleast try. But i can't make him do nethang besides what he wants to do. And he'll learn from it. Cuz he got caught by his mom smokin weed tonite which got him where he is right now. Iono, its his life, he'll learn. But besides that i had a geat nite and it definitly turned my day aroun, completly. He's a lil bit of a horndog, but what 17 year old guy is't? Hahah, nawl hes sweet, he said he wouldn't have been "fuckin" around me as much as he was if i wasn't a virgin, and i didn' quite understand that but he said it was because "he likes me" that and he said he likes the fact that i play hard to get b/c thn it would be no fun if i didn't. Iono jus th whole nite was great, ad i plan on seeing him alot more, and when he gets off house arrest, it will be even better. But thrn againn he seems like the "playin" type. You kno diff girl evry weekend, so i try not to make nethang huge of it. But i don't sit there and spend time wit someone and want to be with them if thts how they are cuz i don;'t need nemore of that. I jus hope he doesn't turn out to be.... something that i hope hes not, i can't find the rght wrds right now. But ne normalperson who has feelings shuld catch my drift.

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[16 Jan 2004|08:43am]

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | AFI (morning star) ]

Theres nothing really left nemore. Found out some GREAT news last nite. I'm done with trying nemore, my whole "childhood" was a lie, atleast what i can remember of it. I didn't even have a normal "childhood" and what i had of it was spent in a phsycatrists office.(apparently).

Last nite i talked to jake for a lil bit, and then i asked my mom a lil question while i was on the phone wit him and jus started ballin, he thought i was jus trying to get his attnetion ya kno cuz he didn't talk the whole time we were on the phone, but i jus said i had to go and that i'd see him tomorrow, that was around 8:15 or so, i fell asleep around 8:30. I jus wanted to vanish to my own little world, where atleast some things make since. So fuck yall who say "your lifes not as bad as u make it out to be" b/c until you live my life and are in my situations you'll never know, so keep your damn mouth shut. "and don't think or talk to me cuz your only going to judge"--chels.

Anyone else in your life besides your self is jus another insignificant inconvience.

"Am i the star beneath the stairs? Am i the ghost upon the stage? Am i already dead? Will wish upon, will you walk upon me, i don't wanna die tonite, will you believe in me tonite. Am i star the beneath stairs? Am i ghost upon the stage? Am i already dead?

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[15 Jan 2004|11:23am]

[ mood | geeky ]

well today is extremely boring, for some reason i fing writting in thise thang is very pointless, i high doubt neone really reads it neways, which is why i think imma start an xanga, everyone has one. But then again i don't really like the fact that everyone will read it. Iono i'm weird like that. Newho i talked to jake last nite. Iono whats up with us. He told me we had a "love hate relationship" so i was like relationship? and he was like well thats what i said. So yea, iono, its crazy. Well i talked to lauren today and she said that now justin goes out wit her lil sitster who is in the 6th grade. Dman child molester, the boy is a fuckin sophmore. Hmmm whatever flaots his boat. Well i love drew, and theres nothing more to it, i am madly in love wit him and he is my ONE AND ONLY. (but i'm still wit jake) hah drew jus wanted me to say something about him. No i really do love drew, but he jus started tickling me and i almost fell outta my chair, cuz im chillen in 3rd bell. Well drew is gettin ready to leave me and then im gunna be all lonely. :( haha OH WELL! aight drew is shaling my head and i can;t typeright,, hahahahahha ok im gunna puke. WOW that was fun, ok aight im out.

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[14 Jan 2004|09:33am]

[ mood | confused ]

[ music | AFI ]

Well i talked to chels yesterday to make her aware of how i been feeling lately and how she has been treating and she basically doesn't wannna here it. I told her how much she has been usin me lately, and she jus doesn't see it. When we go skatin or whatever on fridays and chels is supposed to be stayin at my house she ends up askin me if krystal can stay b/c "he misses her" or they got in another fight, and of course since im soo nice i always say yes, but its only b/c krystal is one of my best friends to so i don;t mind if she stays the nite but its mainly for hers and chels benefit b/c i end sitten on the couch listenin or watchin them make-out all nite and thats not somethin i wanna see when i jus wanna chill wit them. GRRRR i hate bein in this position, where i lose either way. Chels got all pissy when i was jus tryin to be honest and she was like "well im sorrie we can't all hang out together, but what do you want me to do, breakup wit her and lose the one bit of happiness i have". I was jus like "thanx now i know how u really feel" She always told me we didn't need guys or neone in our lives cuz as long as she had me no matter what shit was goin down she'd always be fine and happy wit me jus knwing she had someone. That may be true, but she doesn't realize all the thangs she says to me i take perosnally especially about her not bein happy, cuz that makes me feel like im not doin my job as her best friend. I told her that i understand krystal is that special "someone" in her life and that since she doesn't have daryl at least she has krystal who loves her and this and that, but when there all over and makin out wit each other at my house, after i had the decentcy to let them spend the nite, i feel disrespected and treated like some honey-moon hotel. Iono the worse part is she has put me in positions now that i can't get out of without losin her friendship and i'm started to think that maybe she did it on purpose, so she won;t ever lose me and i have no choice but to stick around and pick her back up when she falls again. Cu she knows deep down, whether she admits it or not that krystal isn't strong enuff to pull hre thru the storm and i am the only thang she has left. It feels like she put mein this position to where i can not get out, so she assured i will always be there adn be strong, and bring her back when she needs me. But in all honesty, the more i pull her back up the quicker and deeper i fall. I love her, and thats why i keep helping her and keep bringing her back up when shes down, but i don';t know how much longer i can do this, b/cits jus wearin me down even more. Soon enuff i'll barely have the strength to pull my own self back up. But no one can be aware of that. People look at me like im crazy when they read my poetrty or when they find out the littlest part of me thats true. B/c at school and in public i HAVE TO the happy go lucky one. The one who always wears a smile, because i can't afford to let everyting out. i keep everything bottled up b/c i kno i have to stay strong for chelsey and krystal, thought im afraid thats gunna end of being the death of me. i need to take time for myself, but when i do, i don't kno where to start to help myself, b/c i always so worried about whats gunna happen next to them or what there guna do to themselves again. My sister used to have thesr type of friends, and she gave them up b/c they were al giving her a negative outlook on life, ad they were jus bringing her down to where she found herself in a pshyc office b/c she didn't kno how to help herself nemmore, b/c the more she had to keep saving these ppl, she found her self getting more lost and brought down. I see thats where i'm headed.

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[13 Jan 2004|10:01am]

well last nite was boring, i watched movies all nite, i had to break my dvd player in order to get a movie in tho cuz we're ghetto like that, ahha not really. Well i talked to justinsome last nite and of course like alwyas he got all pisy an signed off. Whatever he's a waste of my time, he thinks he makein me feel bad, but honestly i don't care nemore, i mean yea when im alone and im listen to some melow music and jus chillen out, i start to thinka bout him but the situation is jus so stressful and complicated i don't let it bother me to much. Im jus livin each day as it comes. I jus need to quit worrying about the childish shit ppl put me thru, its pointless. Well im sorta in a bad postition cuz i don;t like the way chels has been treatin me lately, iono its jus i feel like and inconvience to her, and i can't sya nethang cuz it would make me osund slefsih, iono maybe i am being selfish, geez, well class is almost over, so this is gunna hafta be continued when i get home fom school, fun fun!

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[11 Jan 2004|11:02am]

[ mood | blah ]

well chels is knocked out! She went to go put a movie in and the next thang i kno shes fast asleep!! Well its sunday, and i woke up at like 9. Crazyness. Neways i talked to jake for a lil bit yesterday while i was at the mall. He said he was bored as hell and asked me if i wanted to come over, actually he pretty much told me to come over, but i didn;t have a ride adn if it wasnt so cold i would have walked, but it was snowin and everything so i didn't do that, but it would have been nice. Newho, i talked to him for a bit and he asked me how old i was i and i was like 14 and he was like DAMN youngin, but he said it wasn't to young for him and i was like damn straight. haha, nawl hes a really good guy. But neways, me and chels went to the movies lasr nite and saw chasing liberty, BORING. But i definitly made it alot better for everyone there, ahaha i had everyone in the theater rollin, i was crackin jokes like crazy!! Whoa boy, newho, i have ISS on monday cuz we didn't have school friday, oh well, gotta serve it sometime. Aight well imma go find this chicks cd's nad listen to them, possibly get in the hot tub

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[10 Jan 2004|12:33am]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | BRAND NEW ]

hmmm friday nites.. why do i always look forward to them when i kno they all end up the same..SHITY! well what else than a guy to ruin it, well not only A guy this time but 2!! yay double the trouble and the problems please like i don;t have enuff. Well yea I WAS over justin.. until i had to see him tonite, he called me a bitch b/c "i wasn't payin ne attention to him" PAH-LEEZE why should i, hes the one who can stand me. whatever neways, it jus sucked cuz i turn around and hes there then i turn around and see chris wit his girlfreind, then i have chels screamin at me for god knows what, and it jus didnt get ne better. Geez only me. Well i went to see jake but then i got some GREAT news about him from ricky. Well i really was lookin forward to talkin to jake and possibly gettin wit him or whatever b/c i didn't have to get his attention, he found me, i caught his eye, and that doesn't happen very often so i was takein the oppritunity, but then ricky tells me tonite, that jake is one house arrest for 30 days and can' do shit, b/c he fucked up to much, hopefully he learned, iono imma call him tomoorw and knock some sence into him. Well krysie told me to sit down adn think abot who i really like and wanna be wit and i said jake b/c hes the only one hasn't treated me like shit or used me ,,, YET! but now iono, imma still talk to him and whever ricky goes over there imma see if i can get out there.

YOU (my new poem)

I'm so confused,
This situation brings me down
Further than where i started
It brings me back to YOU
The furthest i can possibly fall has been broken
And you control it
The only way out
Is the same thang that got me here
YOU
You are what i am
Every move
Every mood
Every thought
Every desicion
YOU
Pull me out of this
This state of mind
This way of yours
You are who i am
Concentrating on you i fall apart
I need to think my own way out
When i start i end up with the same solution
YOU
You are me
Though i am not you
You've blocked me out
And left me here
To fall and sink lower than ever
I fell hard and passed you on the way down
And once i've hit the bottom
I turn to see
YOU.

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[08 Jan 2004|09:52am]

[ mood | tired ]

[ music | away form me-- puddle of me ]

Well i jus finished a project in 1st bell, i actually finished it on tiem for once! Well i went to the rink last nite cuz i figured Jake would be up there wit ricky cuz they both asked me if i was goin and i told them i didn't kno. But i went up there and Jake wasn't there so i chilled wit Ricky and Chris Davis...hmmmmm. Well iono im about sick of Chris cuz he can't make up his mind, he's all wit me one min then he goes and gets a girlfriend and even when he has a girlfriend he can't stay off or away from me. I'm not complainin i'm jus sayin, he's confusin but then again what guy hasn't been lately? Well he called me last nite and we talked awhile and he said that he was tryin to break up wit his g/f cuz she's forver talkin to his best friend, but he couldn;t b/c she wasn't the answerin the phone... hmmm not my problem. Neways, i have ISS tomorrow, yay. Hopefully i'll get some sleep. Alotta ppl have it tomorrow tho, i kno me Shawna Shawn Samantha and Stacy all have it tomorrow and all for skipping to, hah how funnie. Well me and Justin acutally had a normal talk a few nites ago, we jus tlaked about stuff, and theres was no yelling or threatning involved, wow! thats a first! haha newho aight well i gotta turn this dumb ass project in so imma dip

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[07 Jan 2004|05:19pm]

[ mood | cold ]

so i'm crled in a little ball on the floor at the momnt. Its fuckin cold im hy ouse so i'm sittin ext to the vent all curled up and war!!! Well i jinxed myself!! I was in 1st bell today when i got a note to go to mrs. Otwell's office, as soon as i heard that i was ike FUCK im busted, ya kno for skippin yesterday! Geez i thought i was free. Well i got to the office and she goes "Kendall Rose?" and i as lik yea, then she slaps the big one on me "Your todd roe's daugter" my mouth hit the floor i was like FUCK.. then she told me she went to high school wit m mom and my dad AND my uncle!!! i was like damn the woman knows my whole family.. but yea i was rigt i got bused, only b/c my teacher saw me! Becuase i had to go back to my locker to get my 4th bell stuff and my locked is rightacrss the hall from the clas i skipped and right when turned the corner se came ou of the clas and saw me!! was like dammit. But im glad i only got ISS and got caught today, cuz if i woulda gotte caught yesterday when i reall was skipping, my ass qoulda been goin home in cuffs cu the cops were ater me and i woulda have 4 tresspassing charges on me, i could rally see the lookon my moms face, "hey mom i got busted by thecops" GREAT!!!! so yea i have iss on friday,,,,, hmm iheard it wasn't that bad!! oh wel guess we'll hafta see

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[06 Jan 2004|09:52pm]

[ mood | cynical ]

wow today was very eventful!! Well it started out good until Me, Chels, Ryan, Tyler, and Samanthat skipped and got the cops called on us.. and this is how it all went down: So me chels tyler an ryan skipped 2nd and were walkin around a neighborhood whe we caught u wit samantha and we all jus started walkin around miars farm. Well we didn;t have newhre to go so we went to Joey and Jesse's house, jumpd there fence and chilled on there back porch when ryan turns around and says " oh shit her neighbors are outside, and lookin right at us" So we dipped from there and chilled in a back road until CHels and tyler decided they wanted to go back to school, bt me ryan and samantha were like nawl we'er not goin back we don't need to. But samantha then decides she needed to go back so she could find us a ride,and the whole time i was tellin them that we should jus stay in the woods till the bell rang then call omeone and get a ride somewhere but no they presisted on going back and finding a ride, well if they woulda jus listened to me, we wouldn't have gotten the pigs called on us. So as im thinking of a way outta this shit, i turn around and evryone straight dipped across Bruin drive (main road all the cops ar on) so i was like wtf!!! So i dipped cuz i wasn't about to walk aroundby myself. So instead of beingsmart and walking all the way arond so the woudn't get caught, they jumped this ladies fence and she came outside andi was jus like whatever dude, so me and chels hid behind a fence until the bell rang when samantha called ryan on his cell, and told him the cos us rolled by, so iturned around and there was a cop outside talkin to the lady who called the cops on us! JUS GREAT! So i said FUCK THIS SHIT and straight dipped to the scool and jus walked aroud the school until about 10 min before the bell rang anmd then i went in and jus chilled in the bathroom! And that was the short storie of my evenful day and how the cops were called on me! It was jus great, bt thn i ened up jus stayin and these 2 guys at muh lunch pisssed me the fuck off so they cmpletely ruined the great mood i wanted to be in all week cuz it was jus great yesterday and i was lookin forward to it today, but no guys are dicks!!! Oh well and then i get home, and thereslike some law against good moods in my house, they don;t exist!! Ha oh well, i'll be outta here in 2 years.

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[05 Jan 2004|10:36pm]

[ mood | happy ]

Ahhhh (a great sigh of relief)! Wow today has been jus F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!!!!!! I don;t think i've ever been in such a kick ass mood!!! It was fuckin great!!! Geez i was soooo soo happy! And realy is b/c i've finally let him go and don't hafta worrie nemore!!! haaaaa!!! ohh geez today was jus great, not that nethang out of the ordinary happened, i was jus happy and that made a huge difference from ne other day i have at school!!! I have been smiling and bouing around all day, even when i first woke up this mornign!!! Geez theres really nothing ele to write but the fact that im HAPPY OOOHHH SOOO HAPPY1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now that i kno what a geat mood feels like, i never want it to go away!!! Its so GRAND

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[05 Jan 2004|08:54am]

[ mood | awake ]

So its Monday morning and i'm actually AWAKE. Very awake! I'm in a great mood dude, i was listenin to motogrator on the way to school and im jus in a kick ass mood! Its awesome! I gotta try to keep the cussing to a minimum cuz im on a school computer and everything so it will jus turn out to be lil dashes! NEWHO! me and justin got into it big time last nite and i ended up spilling everythang to him. And when i say everything it pretty much covers EVERYTHING. And i'm not ashamed or emabarrassed about telling him everything i felt for him, cuz atleast i got it off my chest and when i start talking to Jake i won't have Justin in the back of my mind controling my every thought about every guy. I told him how i felt and he can do with it what he will. It doesn't matta to me nemore, i'm not hanging around until he tells me how he feels or even to here his thoughts about anything, he doesn't matter to me nemore. I'm done, i've finally woken up and realized what he's done to me and what WAS starting to do to me. I've got other shit to worrie about than him and how he feels and who he's gunna be wit next, its jus not of importance to me nemore! I'm moveing on to Jake and actually giving someone else the time of day, b/c Jake seems like a really good guy. And ya kno justin told me he wanted me to hook him up with lauren long, and i told him he can do this shit himslef that he must fuckin stupid if he thinks im guna do shit like that for him. But ya kno i'm not gunna talk shit about him to lauren and tell her how he REALLY is, i'll let her find out on her own, cuz if she goes out wit him its bound to happen! But last nite I talked to daryl cuz him and chels really ned to talk and work their shit out cuz chels has jus been goin thru hell keeping everything all bottled up, so i talked to him and told him they jus really need to have a serious talk and settle shit! I was bein nice!! he he! aight well i got a project to do! :)

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[04 Jan 2004|07:59pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

so its Sunday, my last day of break! ugh! This sux! I gotta go back to school tomorrow, and im guna be all lonely! Hopefully chels will go. Hmmm not like it would make a bit of a diff. I've been invisible for awile, starting toget used to it. Doesnt really phase me. Iono. I was all happy and "hyper" today at the rink and then i got back to krystal's house wit her and chels and i was jus in lonely shitty ass mood. And it doesn't really make thangs much easier when i gotta listen to chels and krystal make out and do god knows what all nite and today. But hey atleast there "happy". And the fact that if i wanna be in a shitty then leave me the fuck alone and let me be in a shity mood. Don't yell at me and try to make me be happy, cuz its pointless. Happiness is make believe. Life doesn;t come wiit happines, you gotta find it. You have to take the right path in life that leads to it, and well obivousl i took a wrong turn somewhere. hmmm whats new. Geez im so tired. I didn;t go to sleep till 7:30 this morning and i woke up at 12. Newho we went to the rink today cuz Ricky and Jake went up there. Ricky and Krytal might go back out again and i think me and Jake are gunna start talking, but its so difficult. I have all these chances wit so many other guys, but i can't take them cuz i still have Justin in every thoght my mind produces. Supposidly he wants me bak, he's my one weakness, i am a fairly strong person when it comes to life but he's my one weakness. I'll never have the strength to turn him down if he were to come crawling back, yet i kno he can never prove himself to me. He told me Friday that he feels like an ass for breakin up wit me and he misses me and he jus wanted me to stay the nite wit him. Like i said, he's my weakness, it could reak of pure bullshit (all the thangs he tells me) but i'll always believe him. He's like a fucking addicition. This will never end.

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[03 Jan 2004|04:05am]

[ mood | sick ]

[ music | " the reason" -- hoobastank ]

ITS 4 O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING! ah haha! geez! my attempts at sleeping have failed. And right now i can't think of nething bettre to do. hmmm. I had a nice chat wit justin earlier, actually it was quite odd. But then again what in my life isnt?? ugh i need to quit smoking, its making me sick to my stomach, or maybe its jus chels's cowboy killers i been smokin, yuck! Newho skatin wasn't too bad tonite it was actually quit fun. Ahhh im bored tired and can't sleep. What a great combination. I already feel sick and now im listening to my cat hack up a hairball, HOW NICE!!! Newho im tryin to go to the sevendust concert on the 4th but its not quite working out. Iono im lost. I have once again completely lost my train of thought. la la la. Well i guess since nothing of importance has really happened this entry seems pointless. Hmmm

oh

B L A H !!!!

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[01 Jan 2004|10:40pm]

[ mood | confused ]

welll its anew year and its already gone down the god damn drain. Iono theres to much bad shit in life to look for the good in it. It almost seems virtually impossible. I dont ven kno what to do nemore. Yea me and justin broke up...WHOOPIE!. and now for some reason which do not undestand, chels wants us to get back together, yet she was celebrating her ass off when we broke up. Iono they both confuse me. I feel like i cant please ne one in this situation, not even myself. I can't please chels b/c all she wants is for me to be happy, nd i'm not. I can't please justin b/c i can't jus leave him alone b/c hs been confusing the fuck outta me ad im jus tryin to make since outta all this. And i can't please myslef b/c i have all this shit over my shoulders, and its jus weighing me down as the days pass by. It seems as tho i felt more for him than i allowed myself to believe, and its showing now. Atleast im feeling it now. I can't tell him half the shit i feel cuz he really doesnt wanna here it, and at this point i really honestly don't kno what to tell him. Maybe i should jus leave him alone, but nothing gets solved by jus leaving it alone. Then again whats there to be solved. After all this i don't even remember nemore. Who knows?? The only thang i've come to so far is i'v lost him AGAIN, for all the wrong reasons, or no reason at all AGAIN. I love chels, but shes the cause of this, everytime, and she doesn't even do nethang, but then again maybe its me, im the imperfect one, im the one everyone judges, im the one whose jus the "sidekick". I'm the one who does a better job than anyone hiding her scars, Im the one who puts on a fake smile everyday, and I'm the one that makes it so real. I'm the one standing there, I'm the one going unnoticed.

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[30 Dec 2003|04:00pm]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | "milkshake"--kelis ]

so i'm sitting on my ass doing nothing. Yea so its tuesday and a day that me and justin planned to spend together. Noticed i wrote "planned" as in past tence. Cuz once again did he show up? uhh NO. uhhh iono what im gunna do, i belive this is the 3rd time hes planned to chill wit me and doesn't show up or call. This doesn't really go good with what read I last nite. Hmmm iono, la la. I'm so bored blah. I'm on the phone wit krystal, atleast someone has time for me. Yea i basically slept all day cuz shithead hasn't showed up and prolly won't, more than likely. Hm iono nemore, i think im gunna go back to bed.

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[29 Dec 2003|10:22pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

[ music | "6 to 8" -- AFI ]

i'll never find happiness. Happiness is for fuckin school book fairy tales. Its completely pointles. Fuck the bull shit i wrote before. Boyfriends jus cause more fucking problems in your life. Im competely fed up with it all. I am s lost for words right now. But justin is never gunnabe fer real with me. I asked 1 thang of him wen we started goiin out. Jus to make me feel like this was't a bad decision, and so far hes lead me to believe the complete opposite, I don't want us to breakup but i don't kno of nethang else to do. If he wanted to be wit chels he shoulda worked alot god damn harder instead of jus fallig back on me b/c i refuse to be his lil toy that he can have whenever he wants, an just throw away whenever he wants. I'm so lost i don't kno what to do wth all this nemore. I wanna cry.

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[24 Dec 2003|09:46pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

[ music | ALONE I BREAK-- KORN ]

omg tonite is awesome now that i am at my nanny rea's. I went to my nanny rose's and i wish i coulda killed someone that was like my main goal of the eveing. I really can't stand that family but now i am at my nanny reas and its awesome. I have finally reached sanity! yay! Newho i got some awesome shit from my nanny rea. I got Korn the untouchables! 1 of like 3 korn cd's i asked for which is awesome. And i got blink 182. And a whole lot of other shit its aweseomn dude. And she got a new computer which is aweomse to its soo chillen. i ahven't talked to justin but for like 5 min today which sux yea, but if he wants his christmas presents then he will make an effort to call me or come over my house or he won't get them. I jus got him a hat and a necklace that he wanted. and now my cousin is sitting on my lap. Haha and tonite is awesome now that i am with ppl i get along with. Yea i went to my nanny roses and i hate them. dude in the car my dad asked me if i could try not to be rude crude and social unacceptable. I was like dude blow me. And thn i got in the house and they started raggin on my braclets. Gee how did i know. I knew that was gunna be the topic of the night and i can't get one good comment outta those ppl. There so thoughtless about other ppls feelings. Dude im gunna be what i wanna be and im jus gunna do me. Im not gunna be somethin they want me to be to fit in the crowd or to fit into some mold they think teens in society should be. Thats not me and they can jus blow me for all i care. Cuz i dont care. At all. But now i am in a happy palce and every thing is GREAT. I love my moms family there soo... so... SANE. And it works! aww gee tomorrow is christmas and i can't wait i will be with my moms family more than my dads insane one and it works. I love my dad but not his family. At all. ahhh. Im not gunna keep goin on and on about his family and the shit they put me thru tonite b/c now im happier in a better house hold not full of hostility!!!! MUCH LOVE TO EVERYONE. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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