Date:	2003-10-06 11:54
Subject:	this one's for the girls....who love without holding back...who dream with everything they have..
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic
Music:	Martina McBride -- This one's for the girls

"Still, there are mornings when she wakes with tears in her eyes. That's when she knows she's been dreaming about him. And although she never remembers her dreams, there's always the scent of grass on her pillow, as if the past were something that could come back to you, if you only wished hard enough, if you were brave enough to call out his name." -- Here on Earth

Days get easier as they go by. If I wasn't completely trusting God in all this and to do His will, I would be an emotional wreck. But, for some reason, I'm completely calm and feel like....everything's going to work out. It's going to be alright in the end.

Today's Yom Kippur so I'm home from school! Yay! And then tomorrow is the Stagemasters field trip to Hotlanta to see The Tempest. THEN WEDNESDAY I HAVE MY ANATOMY FINAL. :-( Which....I'm rather scared about. PLEASEEEEE, GOD, LET ME PASS!

Mom was reading a Bible passage during the service and I daydreamed throughout the whole thing. When she got done, she asked what it meant to me.

Me: Uhhhh.....well.....it means a lot of things to me....uh....
Mom: Don't wanna say?
Me: Yeah, no, I don't.

Heh, I thought it was amusing, slightly. I was about to say something like....."God loves everyone...uh..." which totally didn't go with the passage, I figured out later.

I love Heidi. Like, seriously, she is, without a doubt, the best friend anyone could ever have. I owe her so much and she acts like I'm as good a friend to her as she is to me. Pshhhh, whateva!

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

Date:	2003-10-05 17:01
Subject:	she's come undone
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

OooooooOOOoOoOOOk.

This is what just happened:

annathestAR02: guess what
onsterfelijkheid: what
annathestAR02: fernando just called me and was like "are you coming tonite?" and i was like "no it's yom kippur" and he was like "oh ok i guess i'll call you later on in the week"
annathestAR02: and my mom was like WHO WAS THAT POLITE NICE SOUNDING BOY?
annathestAR02: and i told her it was fernando and he was 25 and to not get any ideas
annathestAR02: and i just spent five minutes trying to convince my parents that there is no way fernando would ever ask me out
annathestAR02: lol
annathestAR02: it was very amusing
onsterfelijkheid: HAHA
onsterfelijkheid: wow.
onsterfelijkheid: that's great

holy crap. That is humor.

Pirates of the Caribbean!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
>
>TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
>conversational skills will be as important as any other.
>
>THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
>want.
>
>FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
>
>FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
>
>SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
>
>SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
>
>EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't
>have much.
>
>NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
>way to live life completely.
>
>TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
>
>ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives
>
>TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
>
>THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
>and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
>
>FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
>risk.
>
>FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
>
>SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
>
>SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
>and Responsibility for all your actions.
>
>EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
>
>NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
>correct it.
>
>TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
>voice.
>
>TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Date:	2003-10-04 18:54
Subject:	You are the strength that keeps me walking
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	lifehouse

You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything
Everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by it?

I really need to stop listening to songs that make me think of Josh and reading books about love.

It doesn't help.

But God, I miss him.

His livejournal said something about fighting with someone for two months and getting together with them again. Probably about Jessi, his ex. Maybe, I don't know. I get the message loud and clear, though. What I wouldn't give to be with him again. To have him not hate me. To have him love me.

I hope whoever his next girlfriend is realizes how lucky she is. And how incredibly special Josh is.

And how jealous I will be.

What I ever did to deserve him and have him and Heidi in my life...I'll never know.

Cause I am hanging on every word you say yeah
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more
Than sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
That's where I wanna be, yeah

I'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it were
you

He was everything. And I lost him. How could I have been so stupid?

The book I'm reading now, Here on Earth , is all about losing the one person you've ever truly loved and getting them back, because love is something you can't stop. Even if Josh doesn't love me anymore...he did. That's something he can't lie about. Because I know the truth. With God, all things are possible. I wish I knew if me and Josh were possible. If we ever will be. And even if we do get to be together again, will I spend the whole relationship trying to win Josh's love and trust? I don't want that. But I don't want a life without him.

Al said that you can't love anything more than God...otherwise, He might take it away from you.

Do I have to limit my love for people and things then? That doesn't seem fair.

I'm listening to Hanging By A Moment now. I remember in 9th grade, Josh's mom was taking me home and I was listening to this song on Josh's CD player. I was singing along and we looked at each other and mouthed the words. When I was living in Minnesota, and Josh and I dated, we were always so shy with each other...but I kept eye contact with him while singing. I didn't break away and neither did he. I've never forgotten that moment.

"You build your world around someone, and then what happens when he disappears? Where do you go -- into pieces, into atoms, into the arms of another man? You go shopping, you cook dinner, you work odd hours, you make love to someone else on June nights. But you're not really there, you're somplace else where there is blue sky and a road you don't recognize. If you squint your eyes, you think you see him, but he's never there. It's only his spirit, that's what's there beneath the bed when you kiss your husband, there when you send your daughter off to school. It's in your coffee cup, your bathwater, your tears. Unfinished business always comes back to haunt you, and a man who swears he'll love you forever isn't finished with you until he's done."

Is that me? Is Josh done with me? That saddest part is...I think he is.

"The girl who never got over him. The one who knew him inside out."

Date:	2003-10-04 12:08
Subject:	if i just breathe i know everything is alright
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	commercials

Promised I would find a little solace
And some piece of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Hello, my brand new blurty!

I created this because my friend Panda told me she had one, and she told how she really felt in it. I could easily tell how I really feel in my livejournal...but, as my Lit. teacher told me a while ago, people have some secrets/opinions/ideas/beliefs that they just have to keep to themselves. Not necessarily bad, or good, just a privacy thing. And a good many people read my livejournal who I don't care for/don't want knowing my thoughts or secrets.

I could also just as easily get a spiral-bound notebook (which I have) to write in. But it takes too long. I like typing better. I also like the mood icons, the html, etc. Yes, I am an internet WHORE.

Too bad my internet is going off in about a week.

Anyways....since this is my own private journal that is going to be filled with my own private thoughts, here I go.

I feel horrible about Josh. I mean, I gave everything up to God, and I'm sure, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE, He will work everything out. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Just when I figure out that Josh really truly wanted to be with me and no one else...Esther screws everything up by telling him to "go kill himself or something." But...I think this all happened for a reason. God was telling me after Minnesota that I needed to let Josh go. And did I? No. JUST FOR ONCE, why can't I listen to God? Why do I have to learn things the hard way? Why did God (if He did) bring me and Josh together only to have everything come down to this? Josh hates me. He thinks I told Esther to tell him off. God, does he really think that? I have a hard time believing that he does. Or maybe he wants to. I love him and miss him so much. I'm 95% sure we'll never have anything romantic again. But our friendship...that's the one thing I never thought I'd lose. After everything we've been through...and now it's gone. Right when it started to get back on track. And Esther ruined it.

I'm re-evaluating a lot of things about me and Esther's friendship. I care about her way too much to stop being friends with her...I don't know. I'm doubting a lot of things right now.

I'm even doubting God, a little. It's hard to put your life in His hands, when you have no earthly idea what He's going to do with it.

I love Heidi. She's absolutely the best friend I've ever had. I don't know what I'd do without her. I was so worried she'd be mad at me, for, I don't know, some reason. She's not, but...I don't know. Is she disappointed in me? I think she is, a little. I wouldn't blame her a bit if she was, I'm disappointed in myself.

God will work things out.

See, this is why this journal is nice. I can talk about whatever I want, not have to put things in code...I can use names, and whine and do whatever...yay for my new blurty. :-)

going crazy to think that you're ever coming back
but just maybe you might be on your way
i know i'm stronger without you ever coming back
i'll take weak me with you anyday....