start - 5:41pm
end - 5:48pm
My condo faces east. i don't get to see the sunset from my living room window. when i look out my window i see brick office buildings. it's a little embarrassing sometimes because sometimes i find myself walking around naked after a shower and just don't feel like grabbing a towel to cover myself up and i need to grab something near that window. i know if the office people look up, they'd see me naked. but fuck it. i'm risking it. i don't get to see the sunset though. not directly. but the office windows are very reflective. during the day, i can see the sky on the west side reflecting off of them. And there's a moment in my day where the sun reflects off of them. on a cloudless day, the sunset fills my living room with a bright warm orange light. i don't know why i get this feeling of elation and warmth. maybe it's the intensity of the bright sun shining into my eyes when i look at the windows, maybe it's because it completely changes the hue of my normally greyish room, maybe because the view of a sunset is just far greater than the my view of office buildings. today this happened for seven minutes. it usually happens later and for longer. but since we are getting closer to the peak of winter, this event comes quick and early. it inspired me today. and i have millions of words and thoughts rushing through my head, too fast to comprehend or write down, but i guess i should start from here.
wow. sunset gone. this is my cue that night time is drifting along. soon enough my condo will be dark and i will have to turn on my lamps. i don't know why i have this sudden feeling of suffocation and urgency. most likely it's because i have so much work to do with so little time and once again i find myself procrastinating for long wasted hours. i missed a lot of class last week and i was okay with it before, but now i'm hitting myself because i missed some crucial stuff in those classes and it's going to be a lot of work to catch up. i want to do too well this quarter and it puts a lot of pressure on me than i've ever had before.
whew...i just realized that i have emails of people in my class. i asked for the bonus prompt, so maybe i can make it up now.
so, instead of going to class and doing homework, i've been wasting a lot of time to watch this show, "Dexter". amazing show. i might have to say that it was worth the hours of lost time. 28 hours of lost time to be more exact. but for some reason i really connected to this show. it's about a serial killer who admits that he cannot connect with people and he has no real feelings, but even though he doesn't know it, he does have feelings. and i guess his weird state of denial or whatever it is that he's plagued with makes sense. but even though he didn't understand a lot of what societal norms are, he understands himself. and it made me realize that there is this inverted balance between the knowledge of self and the knowledge of society. i mean, yes, people can understand who they are and understand society at the same time, BUT the problem with understanding society is that we conform to those norms, and so self and society become the same thing. but to be in touch with your own instinctual self, before you were shaped into who you are by society, you have to be out of touch with society, for those obvious shaping reasons.
for this last week of confinement into my own place, only leaving for some class and volleyball (which is kind of an obligation) i didn't interact with anyone. and i started to understand how i judge my own relationships with people and who i find myself comfortable with. i guess i've always had to put up this front about who i was because i've been surrounded by self-conscious suburbians that faked their way through life. it was something i never understood but went along with it by using social self-defenses to work my way into social acceptability. i happened to choose the role of a comic, using laughter to get away with all my self-doubts. however, this defense limited me to many social aspects. i could not connect romantically/sexually with others and i found it all awkward. it is not in the comic's role to understand how to fall in love. and this left my one self-consciousness exposed and my ability to create those relationships weak. i've been practicing for the past year, learning these interactions, yet everything i did, i put my guard up because i never knew how to deal with potential mistakes i might make. comedy can't mask romantic mistakes. i think now that i have understood that, i need to implement it, and learn how to take those risks and learn new ways to deal with it. i'm not ready for that now though, but not because i'm too doubtful, but because romance is not my biggest priority anymore. maybe i've conquered these doubts by accepting my mistakes and learning how to move on. i definitely haven't mastered it, but i've learned what i need learn for this stage in my life.
i've also spent some time philosiphying about the development of the human conscience and the relationship between humanity and human potential. i learned in psychology about the levels of conscienceand their development from birth to adult. this whole process takes more than 13 years and sometimes people don't even reach the highest levels of conscience. and the order of this development is so logical to the shaping of the human mind and has basically shaped how we have been able to create society and interactions. when a wolf is born or salmon or deer, they are born with instincts engraved into them and whether they were born with our without parents, they all end up functioning normally in their habitats. the wolf will know how to kill its prey and will know what to eat. the salmon will venture into the ocean and come back again. the deer will not get lost in the forest and understand the mating process. but if the human were to go out on their own and develop without a human figure to guide them through their developing years, they end up deficient in their understanding of what it means to be human. deficient in their understanding of humanity. nothing about the way we live is instinctual, and i don't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. but i don't need to know. what i want to know, though, is why and how we have become this. and it roots back those levels of conscience and those 13 long years it takes us to fully develop into what we know is the matured human being. 13 years to learn not only from the family, but from society. i know many people have written histories about our species and how we have come so far and it all comes down to the generations of passing knowledge on and on. i think if we relied on pure instinctual development, we'd never be where we are today. we'd probably still be hunter gatherers. and it's almost like some higher power created this genius map of our brain development that has given us this power to cross the threshold of instinct and to be able to explore our human potential. we have discovered so many things about this universe we live in because of our ability to live and cooperate among society. we went from discovering the circle to seeing the smallest particle of matter that forms all things. science is paving through all mysteries and solving them step-by-step. everything we have discovered seems to have some sort of logic to it, yet it baffles me how this logic is created out of nothing. there has to be some sort of higher power that has put this puzzle together. and yet the one thing us humans have not completely understood is our own ability to understand this logic. why are we getting smarter? and why do we have such big brains, yet we don't use it all? and why can't we understand everyone else's motivations all the time? why is the one puzzle we cannot piece together is the concept of society? what is the perfect society that can encapsulate our species and make us live in harmony? what is the one instinctual thing we have left in us that all humans can hold on to that will bring us all together?