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Still have not weighed myself, still cannot do it. I'll do it when I feel less gross. Maybe. It's odd, going from anorexia to bulimia over this past year, it's created this fuck-all attitude. Maybe I can't deal with it, so I'm dissattaching from it. I don't even count the calories of what I'm keeping down, which, actually, seems more effective in the area of weightloss anyways. So all that time I was doing this all wrong huh? (*sarcasm*).. Today is a weird weird body day. I have to go by my actual body now since I don't know the numbers, not sure if I like this yet. Well, my arms are huge, oddly enough, because they are the scrawniest weirdest things on my body and always have beem and suddenly they are huge sausage like things I can no longer wrap my hand around and have my thumb and middle finger meet. But my knees are knocking together every step. I give up on you, body. I really do. Going out today..somewhere. Somewhere mundane that I don't need to be. Average errand-type things all day. I should really get out of my house, it's been a while.. People amuse me a lot. I am definately a 'people-watcher'. I always felt privilaged to be on the earth. I think I may really never grow up, everything will always amaze me no matter how trivial or stupid. It's all wonderful. I'm such a hippie. Haha. "Stop walking around with your head in the damn clouds, Ciarra!" Yeah well sometimes mom, you have to. -- I want to buy binge food SO BADLY today. But God, my body wants a rest. I want my body to have a rest. I just don't know. These things should make more sense. Food may win today. We'll see. |
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annoyed.