: Wait, you want to stick what up where?
I went to the doctor for a complete physical, including everything from height and weight to the soundness of my female parts. And I was nervous. Granted my first response to nervousness is humor... so I was sure to warn the doctor of that right away. According to the nurse, most girls my age are cryers when it comes to a pap smear. So they were rather pleased to have humor.
Most girls my age also start arguing about their weight whenever they step on the scale. I seem to be the only one who thinks that it was pleasingly accurate. The doctor then chimed in that most girls my age are also overweight. Me, no, my reaction was that apparently I've shrunk! I thought I was 5'7" and a half, but I'm really only about 5'6" and a half!! Maybe I hadn't actually stopped growing back when I finally got out of the back brace for good. I could probably blame my scoliosis for that... but dammit... my license says I'm 5'8"...
The rest of the exam was good. I'm completely healthy, except for the one part of my colon that's not.
Oh, and later I did realize why most girls my age are cryers when it comes to a pap smear. That test can actually hurt quite a bit. I like to pride myself on having a high pain tolerance. And that's usually the case. Judge for yourself, but if you want to compare... remember, I don't even like to wear tampons...
So, for the young and uneducated, this is what happens in a pap smear...
- You get to put your feet up in little stirrups, the ultimate test of your will power to not kick the doctor's head. I mean, they're in perfect strike range at this point... it would be so gosh darn easy.
- They squeeze a little lube on what looks like a gun, forcing your mind to dart wildly from thoughts of bad Death Note Doujinshi involving Mello and Misa, followed quickly by the realization that it's going exactly where you think it's going.
- The gun has a little light on it too. Now your mind darts in the direction of Star Trek. Damn, I wish that phaser was on stun.
- They stretch you open and take a peek around. This gives you the ability to impress the doctor with recent scientific developments involving how the use of expletives can help release endorphins. It's true. There was an article about it in TIME magazine. Look it up. Bonus points if the doctor verifies the scientific source.
- They take a sample. After the gun, the sample is easy. It's painless. I could do the sample part all day.
- Apparently this is when they would normally take further samples, and even check your ovaries. But my doctor apparently decided there was no need for "undue torture," so this is where my experience ended.
He thinks everything looks normal there too, and that the tests will come back normal. So in the end, random bleeding or not, I'm still normal. Well... except for that one part of my colon.
I suppose now, I can turn my attention to far more important and pressing things - My Dad's new alarm clock, for example. It's loud, shrill, annoying and can wake the freakin' dead. And he wakes up before me.
Current Lips: black, purple and white gradient blend
I went to the doctor for a complete physical, including everything from height and weight to the soundness of my female parts. And I was nervous. Granted my first response to nervousness is humor... so I was sure to warn the doctor of that right away. According to the nurse, most girls my age are cryers when it comes to a pap smear. So they were rather pleased to have humor.
Most girls my age also start arguing about their weight whenever they step on the scale. I seem to be the only one who thinks that it was pleasingly accurate. The doctor then chimed in that most girls my age are also overweight. Me, no, my reaction was that apparently I've shrunk! I thought I was 5'7" and a half, but I'm really only about 5'6" and a half!! Maybe I hadn't actually stopped growing back when I finally got out of the back brace for good. I could probably blame my scoliosis for that... but dammit... my license says I'm 5'8"...
The rest of the exam was good. I'm completely healthy, except for the one part of my colon that's not.
Oh, and later I did realize why most girls my age are cryers when it comes to a pap smear. That test can actually hurt quite a bit. I like to pride myself on having a high pain tolerance. And that's usually the case. Judge for yourself, but if you want to compare... remember, I don't even like to wear tampons...
So, for the young and uneducated, this is what happens in a pap smear...
- You get to put your feet up in little stirrups, the ultimate test of your will power to not kick the doctor's head. I mean, they're in perfect strike range at this point... it would be so gosh darn easy.
- They squeeze a little lube on what looks like a gun, forcing your mind to dart wildly from thoughts of bad Death Note Doujinshi involving Mello and Misa, followed quickly by the realization that it's going exactly where you think it's going.
- The gun has a little light on it too. Now your mind darts in the direction of Star Trek. Damn, I wish that phaser was on stun.
- They stretch you open and take a peek around. This gives you the ability to impress the doctor with recent scientific developments involving how the use of expletives can help release endorphins. It's true. There was an article about it in TIME magazine. Look it up. Bonus points if the doctor verifies the scientific source.
- They take a sample. After the gun, the sample is easy. It's painless. I could do the sample part all day.
- Apparently this is when they would normally take further samples, and even check your ovaries. But my doctor apparently decided there was no need for "undue torture," so this is where my experience ended.
He thinks everything looks normal there too, and that the tests will come back normal. So in the end, random bleeding or not, I'm still normal. Well... except for that one part of my colon.
I suppose now, I can turn my attention to far more important and pressing things - My Dad's new alarm clock, for example. It's loud, shrill, annoying and can wake the freakin' dead. And he wakes up before me.
Current Lips: black, purple and white gradient blend
Current Mood: 
relieved
relieved