: Today is the first day of the rest of your life
I think I've grown up more in the past forty eight hours than I have in the last year. And I think, for the first time, I see things a bit more clearly.
This morning, I went to pick up my deposit check from The Green. I pulled out of the lease during my grace period. And it wasn't because of anything my mother said. It wasn't because of any looks my father gave me. It wasn't out of fear. And it wasn't out of hate. It was because for the first time, I realized something...
This is an acre of diamonds.
I'm not happy. But if I can't find happiness where I am, where can I expect to find it? I'm not unhappy because of just being home with my parents. I'm unhappy with who I've become, who I've let myself become.
I had a very long talk with my mom last night, and I'm glad that I did. I'm very glad that I did.
Because for the first time, I had something I needed to say, not to her. But to myself.
You might say for the past few years, I've led a double, if not a triple life. It might not be evident on this journal, but it's true. I've been a big part of an online role playing game. I've become so entrenched in it, that I might as well be an addict. I think about it a lot, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it. It's become so big a part of my life, that it's interfering with other things. I'm living vicariously, when I could be living. I feel guilty when I'm not playing, and I feel guilty when I am. I know my characters better than I know myself. And this scares me even more than the thought of moving away.
Moving to an apartment isn't going to make me feel happy if I'm not happy now. I'll just do the same thing, especially when living alone. I'll turn inward, turn back to my RP troupe, turn back to my game. It'll be the same thing.
I've always said that I've used RP to learn about myself. And that's true... I look at my characters and how they've changed over the past year or so. One of them says he's happy, but there's a part of him that always craves something more. He's found contentment, but it isn't the same as it used to be, and I can't bear to see that particular character unhappy. The other is an alcoholic sorcerer that has been working on his own demons, who was finally starting to realize that there was so much more to life than magic, than what he'd been taught...
They've been trying to tell me something for a while now. I just haven't wanted to listen. But it's time I start listening.
My master was right. If things don't change, then they stay the same. So I'm going to change things.
I'm quitting the RP. Not only that, but the whole community will be closing. I may finish updating all the logs so I'll always be able to go back and read and remember the fun times. But I won't be living it.
I want to be happy. I want to find the acre of diamonds that is right under my feet, so that when (not if, since I'm aiming for a moving date later this summer) I move, I'm not searching for happiness, I'm taking it with me. And until I do move, I'm going to take every advantage I have - to get to know my parents for who they are, to spend time with them, to try new things. My new goal - to do something every day that's blogworthy. No matter what it is.
And I'm going to start today... by sewing a lot more spikes on my Ryuk costume. Akon's only in a week and a half... damn... time to get to work!
Current Lips: light green and blue gradient blend
I think I've grown up more in the past forty eight hours than I have in the last year. And I think, for the first time, I see things a bit more clearly.
This morning, I went to pick up my deposit check from The Green. I pulled out of the lease during my grace period. And it wasn't because of anything my mother said. It wasn't because of any looks my father gave me. It wasn't out of fear. And it wasn't out of hate. It was because for the first time, I realized something...
This is an acre of diamonds.
I'm not happy. But if I can't find happiness where I am, where can I expect to find it? I'm not unhappy because of just being home with my parents. I'm unhappy with who I've become, who I've let myself become.
I had a very long talk with my mom last night, and I'm glad that I did. I'm very glad that I did.
Because for the first time, I had something I needed to say, not to her. But to myself.
You might say for the past few years, I've led a double, if not a triple life. It might not be evident on this journal, but it's true. I've been a big part of an online role playing game. I've become so entrenched in it, that I might as well be an addict. I think about it a lot, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it. It's become so big a part of my life, that it's interfering with other things. I'm living vicariously, when I could be living. I feel guilty when I'm not playing, and I feel guilty when I am. I know my characters better than I know myself. And this scares me even more than the thought of moving away.
Moving to an apartment isn't going to make me feel happy if I'm not happy now. I'll just do the same thing, especially when living alone. I'll turn inward, turn back to my RP troupe, turn back to my game. It'll be the same thing.
I've always said that I've used RP to learn about myself. And that's true... I look at my characters and how they've changed over the past year or so. One of them says he's happy, but there's a part of him that always craves something more. He's found contentment, but it isn't the same as it used to be, and I can't bear to see that particular character unhappy. The other is an alcoholic sorcerer that has been working on his own demons, who was finally starting to realize that there was so much more to life than magic, than what he'd been taught...
They've been trying to tell me something for a while now. I just haven't wanted to listen. But it's time I start listening.
My master was right. If things don't change, then they stay the same. So I'm going to change things.
I'm quitting the RP. Not only that, but the whole community will be closing. I may finish updating all the logs so I'll always be able to go back and read and remember the fun times. But I won't be living it.
I want to be happy. I want to find the acre of diamonds that is right under my feet, so that when (not if, since I'm aiming for a moving date later this summer) I move, I'm not searching for happiness, I'm taking it with me. And until I do move, I'm going to take every advantage I have - to get to know my parents for who they are, to spend time with them, to try new things. My new goal - to do something every day that's blogworthy. No matter what it is.
And I'm going to start today... by sewing a lot more spikes on my Ryuk costume. Akon's only in a week and a half... damn... time to get to work!
Current Lips: light green and blue gradient blend
Current Mood: 
determined
determined