: Enough is enough.
Enough is enough.
I never believed it possible that I'd need someone to sit me down, and give me the talk about conquering the world, chasing my dreams and following my own path. After all, it's a mantra I used to live by. I used to run, face in the wind, let the cards fall where they may... and I used to be happy. But they key word is 'used to' and perhaps I needed to be reminded of that most of all.
I've become dull. I've become anxious. I've become insecure. I've become pathetic. I feel like I have a leash around my neck and that it's choking me. I feel like I live in a world where love and guilt have become the exact same thing. More importantly, I've become miserable. I've been miserable long enough.
I want to be happy again. It's time I stop making excuses and start running again.
And even my dreams agree.
Last night, I had a peculiar dream. I dreamed that I was at an unfamiliar house, I think the people there were Korean, but that probably doesn't matter. And there was a helicopter that kept flying by. I didn't know who was on the helicopter, just that I had to hide from them, because if they saw me, then police would break into the house and seize everyone. Unfortunately, the house was covered with windows, and there were no closets, meaning I was always on the move. And I couldn't hide in cabinets, because if they did break into the house and found someone hiding in cabinets, it would be even worse of a punishment.
Later in the dream, a Korean man who I really can't identify in real life, even tried to sneak me home by car - first having me hide under the seat, and then by having me get some sort of weird paperwork. The paperwork symbolized me becoming one of them, so that I couldn't be punished. It also apparently involved me being owned like some kind of slave. I could only be taken in the car if my left foot was fastened in a brace attached to one of the seats. I was flexible enough to manage it without pain, which surprised the people I was with. But the ropes that held the brace broke.
We were stopped by someone who looked like law enforcement, but we didn't get arrested. The man kept saying things in obvious quotes, like how he was always willing to 'help someone who was in the military' and even tied down the brace with the ropes we still had. It looked like I was going to escape.
Unfortunately, instead of taking me home, he took me back to the original house, where I had to begin the whole procedure over again, still running from the helicopter. But it sounded like it was all around us, and in the end, I panicked. I didn't run where he told me to run, or I didn't run fast enough, and I heard the door being broken in. He stood with his arms up, and motioned quickly for me to come out.
The person that broke in was a thin Asian woman. She immediately shouted for us to call her 'Mama' and we did. We all had to smile, with big happy grins, no matter if they were fake or not. Music came on. She ordered us to dance, and we did. 'Mama' seemed impressed that I immediately started dancing, (carameldancen, actually...) and was right on the beat. Then she started asking for our paperwork.
One of the other girls in the house pulled her's out. On it were hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes. And it was all written in big fat-tipped marker. I realized then, that mine wasn't finished. So I said that. I kept saying that I was brand new, and still learning, that I still had the brace on my left foot, showing me as a submissive slave. The man stuck up for me, and agreed. I kept smiling with that huge fake grin the whole time.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to see what would happen next. That's when I woke up.
I'll analyze this peculiar dream later, since I have to leave for work. But I think I already have a few ideas about what it means...
Current Lips: brown, white and blue gradient blend
Enough is enough.
I never believed it possible that I'd need someone to sit me down, and give me the talk about conquering the world, chasing my dreams and following my own path. After all, it's a mantra I used to live by. I used to run, face in the wind, let the cards fall where they may... and I used to be happy. But they key word is 'used to' and perhaps I needed to be reminded of that most of all.
I've become dull. I've become anxious. I've become insecure. I've become pathetic. I feel like I have a leash around my neck and that it's choking me. I feel like I live in a world where love and guilt have become the exact same thing. More importantly, I've become miserable. I've been miserable long enough.
I want to be happy again. It's time I stop making excuses and start running again.
And even my dreams agree.
Last night, I had a peculiar dream. I dreamed that I was at an unfamiliar house, I think the people there were Korean, but that probably doesn't matter. And there was a helicopter that kept flying by. I didn't know who was on the helicopter, just that I had to hide from them, because if they saw me, then police would break into the house and seize everyone. Unfortunately, the house was covered with windows, and there were no closets, meaning I was always on the move. And I couldn't hide in cabinets, because if they did break into the house and found someone hiding in cabinets, it would be even worse of a punishment.
Later in the dream, a Korean man who I really can't identify in real life, even tried to sneak me home by car - first having me hide under the seat, and then by having me get some sort of weird paperwork. The paperwork symbolized me becoming one of them, so that I couldn't be punished. It also apparently involved me being owned like some kind of slave. I could only be taken in the car if my left foot was fastened in a brace attached to one of the seats. I was flexible enough to manage it without pain, which surprised the people I was with. But the ropes that held the brace broke.
We were stopped by someone who looked like law enforcement, but we didn't get arrested. The man kept saying things in obvious quotes, like how he was always willing to 'help someone who was in the military' and even tied down the brace with the ropes we still had. It looked like I was going to escape.
Unfortunately, instead of taking me home, he took me back to the original house, where I had to begin the whole procedure over again, still running from the helicopter. But it sounded like it was all around us, and in the end, I panicked. I didn't run where he told me to run, or I didn't run fast enough, and I heard the door being broken in. He stood with his arms up, and motioned quickly for me to come out.
The person that broke in was a thin Asian woman. She immediately shouted for us to call her 'Mama' and we did. We all had to smile, with big happy grins, no matter if they were fake or not. Music came on. She ordered us to dance, and we did. 'Mama' seemed impressed that I immediately started dancing, (carameldancen, actually...) and was right on the beat. Then she started asking for our paperwork.
One of the other girls in the house pulled her's out. On it were hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes. And it was all written in big fat-tipped marker. I realized then, that mine wasn't finished. So I said that. I kept saying that I was brand new, and still learning, that I still had the brace on my left foot, showing me as a submissive slave. The man stuck up for me, and agreed. I kept smiling with that huge fake grin the whole time.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to see what would happen next. That's when I woke up.
I'll analyze this peculiar dream later, since I have to leave for work. But I think I already have a few ideas about what it means...
Current Lips: brown, white and blue gradient blend
Current Mood: 
discontent
discontent