Omega19x

1:24pm: well, if I puke, it won't be because of the hot dogs.
After cooking all that wonderful food yesterday, it's a shame that I don't really get to taste it. I've either caught myself a nasty bug, or my allergies are just throwing me to the ground and launching fireworks in my head. Because I feel like shit.

And to top things off, Kobayashi was defeated again by Joey Chestnut in the Hot Dog Eating Championships. 68 to 64 1/2.

Current Lips: American Flag

8:44pm: eggcelent, or close enough to it.
... I feel better now. My mom apologized for taking my eggs and for caring a little bit too much about how fast she could get done in the kitchen instead of the chance to actually bond over food preparation.

We're also using paper towels instead of wax paper in the microwave.

Current Lips: American flag

4:29pm: Keep your damn hands off my eggs.
I've been pretty much doing two things all day on my day off - either watching a Star Trek marathon or cooking with my mother. Sadly, those two things don't get to be combined anytime soon - unless I can convince her that baby carrots will make a fine ingredient in Plomeek Soup. But that's for another day.

Because we had to cook 4th of July food. And last time I checked, there was no such thing as a Vulcan-American.

So today, I learned how to make hot dogs, baked beans and potato salad. We boiled up several vegetables - green beans, broccoli and brussels sprouts. And then I got to make deviled eggs.

Now, this part I was actually excited about, solely because I wanted to impress my mom with how well I'm able to crack and peel hard boiled eggs. It was one of the few things that we were cooking that I actually knew how to do, and one of those rare opportunities to shine as something other than an ingredient lackey.

My method is simple. Crack hot egg on the counter, roll it a bit, then peel it under cold water. Shell comes off quickly and easily.

Unfortunately, I never got to show that technique, because in her attempt to get the pan we were using two minutes faster than she otherwise would have gotten it, TOOK MY EGGS, ran them under cold water, cracking them lightly, hardly even cracking the shell, and then I was left peeling tiny bits and pieces off with my fingernails. It was terrible! And one of them broke right in half!

We then proceeded to argue about it for the next ten minutes straight.

And of course, it's my fault. Even though she's the one that cooled down my eggs before they were cracked.

All I wanted to do was prove that I could do SOMETHING, ANYTHING right in the kitchen on my own ability, without someone taking control and doing it for me. Is that so much to fucking ask?! They were MY eggs, dammit. MY EGGS!! MINE!

Oh... and one more thing - (that had nothing to do with my eggs, mind you...)
hot oil + wax paper + microwave = fire.

Must remember that.

Current Lips: American Flag

8:01pm: Speedpuzzle
Last night, my mom and I tried our hands at a speedpuzzle run. See how fast the two of us could do a jigsaw puzzle. It's just like speedchess, only with a lot more pieces.

The challenge:
500 pieces of gorgeous oceanic glory

The Result:
Two hours, almost on the dot.

booyah.

Current Lips: yellow, orange and brown gradient blend

10:03am: We are all one under the sun
Yesterday, I went to the Summer SolstiCelebration out by White Rock Lake. It was a gathering of Pagans from all around the area, with all sorts of special rituals, earth-friendly vendors and eclectic performances. Totem Grove, one of the groups whose circles I attend frequently, created the main altar. It was an a gorgeous display of summer's bounty, and I feel honored to have been able to stand in its presence.

Highlights:

- Bellydancers. With Swords!
A drumming and dancing troupe called Sultan's Dream performed on the stone circle stage. They were absolutely amazing. They even performed a dance with swords balancing on their heads. (No, they didn't have magnetic headbands...)

- Blessings in the Peace Zone
I had three oneness blessings placed on me in the Peace Zone. It was a perfect way to start my afternoon, and it gave me a few moments of quiet reflection and self-healing.

- Sunset Circle
As the sun went down, Covenant of the Goddess cast a traditional circle. The theme was balance, and there was a short dance involving all four elements. It was beautiful to watch. And I am glad that I was able to participate and sing with them. A couple of the Totem Grove members were standing right next to me, and they sang too. The individual who actually cast the circle complimented our voices.

- My first rune reading
There were so many psychics and readers there, that I wanted to get something done. I own my own tarot deck, and have given myself readings, but I'd never actually had someone else do a reading for me. And I'd never had a rune reading done before. So I thought I'd give it a try.

To have the reading done, you hold a big handful of runes over a piece of cloth. The cloth is divided up into several sections, each with its own meaning. You concentrate on a question in your mind. Then you let the runes fall. The ones that turn upside down are removed, and the ones that are right-side up are then analyzed. They are meant, not to speak of specific people, but rather of general forces that act upon you.

I don't remember everything that was said, but a few of the runes stood out and spoke to me.


Interestingly enough, this was the rune of health. And it fell in the section meaning obstacles, the forces working against me. That was actually at the root of my question, so I was rather impressed that particular rune fell in that particular spot. There was another rune in this section that represented things that needed to be cast away (but I can't remember which one it was... but it's the rune that is most similar to the Tower card in the tarot.) Since I have been deliberately doing a considerable amount of that recently, it was rather ironic that the rune fell in that section. Apparently, I still have much more I need to do.


This rune fell in a section that represented the gifts that I could use in my life, that would give purpose to my life. It is a rune that symbolized words and communication. But not just communication between people, like bantering back and forth, divine communication, the type of speech that can truly move people.


This rune, where it fell, indicated that I have a very strong moral compass, that my spirituality is sound and my relationship with the divine will sustain me. There were a couple of other runes close to that section that meant roughly the same thing. But what was more significant was the lack of runes that suggested the influence of other people. Like this one, pretty much all the forces working on me were internal - both my struggles and the solutions to my struggles.


This rune fell dead center in my reading. And it was the only one in that inner circle. It is a rune of purpose, of meaning in one's life. And having it fall there means that the biggest drive for me right now is finding that sense of purpose, the desire to become someone great, to create something that will be remembered throughout time. I will not lie - though it was not my actual question, it is a force that has been weighing on me these last couple of days. And in the hours leading up to the SolstiCelebration, I was working on something that would contribute to just that...

I had her do a quick five-card tarot spread on the subject of health, just for fun. The most interesting thing to note there was that out of the five cards she threw down, three were in the major arcana. It showed how much the question was plaguing my mind.

- Shopping
Yes, I did pick up a gift while I was there. I bought three stones - one for each person in my family, including myself. My stone said 'Dream.' Mom got a stone that said 'Faith.' And Dad got a stone that said 'Hope.' I was lucky to get the stones, I went back to buy them just as the vendor was packing up. I got there just in time!!

Current Lips: the sun

8:55pm: A delcaration of transcendence
Well, Michael Jackson is dead. I have a toothache. And there is a new Spock action figure sitting in my cube. (Yes, work is highly illogical, isn't it.)

Actually, grouping all three of those facts together is highly illogical, but I'm not about to let that bother me. The whole world is illogical right now...

Congressmen are passing long bills that they've never read. It would take a speed reader 9 hours to get through the one the House just passed today, the one that will apparently tax our energy consumption to the point of doubling the price. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure if that's what it's going to do or not... I haven't read it either. I don't think it's even available for the public to read if they really wanted to. But I feel outraged about it nonetheless.

I suddenly have a strong dislike for anyone that sits idly by and lets the government take care of them. I abhor anyone who has to be carried, not because they're unable, but because they're unwilling to help themselves or better themselves. And I have nothing but contempt for a society that rewards laziness, encourages entitlement, and passes the blame all for the sake of passing the buck.

I yearn for a country where people are accountable for their actions, people take pride in personal responsibility, people live within their means and generally do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. They should be mindful of other people's time, respect other people's differences and not immediately take offense at everything they don't agree with.

I'd like to discover a time and place where one can be fiscally conservative and yet socially liberal. I'd like to see term limits imposed on US congressmen before absolute power has the chance to corrupt absolutely. I'd like to earn an honest living, compete against those who do the same, and plan for a future that will actually exist. I'd like to find my own path to inner happiness.

For once, I'd like to turn on the television and not be sold the idea that the world is coming to an end. Drug companies wouldn't be peddling powerful chemical compounds like they're breakfast cereal. The news wouldn't be one editorial after another, and it might actually tell us, in clear, honest facts, what's actually in that bill that nobody's read yet.

But for now, all I have the power to do is wake up each day and say to myself, 'Today is going to be a good day, in spite of everything that's happening around me. Today, I am going to focus on the little things, and one day realize they will be the big things. Today, I am going to strive to be a good person and when I go to bed, tomorrow will be a little better because of what I did.'

It is a power that each of us has, but few of us utilize. If we did, the world I'm dreaming about would be on its way to becoming a reality. Or at the very least, I'd have a dentist appointment before Tuesday.

Current Lips: yellow, orange and black gradient blend

6:44am: Wait, Manson did what with the who?
Most everyone who knows me will be very shocked by the following conversation...

To set the scene: I was idly surfing the internet, looking for new computer wallpaper. After all, I have now seen the new Trek movie twice, and have yet to snag any wallpaper from it! One of my friends IMs me.

Immediately, she says, "hey, have you heard Manson's new album?"
And my response... "New album?"
Her - "Yeah, it came out last week."

Of course, I had no idea. I had no idea he was working on an album. No idea he broke up with his girlfriend. No idea Twiggy rejoined the band on a permanent basis. No idea Gidget Gein died last year of a heroin overdose. No idea there was a new music video out already. No idea he's already set Texas dates for the next tour (August 15th for Dallas, btw.)

Her, again - "Don't worry too much. I didn't know about it either."

She linked me to Youtube, where people had posted clips of the song with lyrics. Some were rather weird, but some of them I really did like. But all the while, I'm thinking about how I never even knew it existed. A few years ago, if Manson even breathed funny, I knew about it. Now... Maybe it's a sign that we've all grown up. Moved on.

Of course, then she adds, "Are you going to buy it?"
Me - "...Probably."

Then again, maybe some things only change a little bit... After all I was caught singing 'Rock is Dead' in the shower. I was just replacing the word 'Rock' with the word 'Spock.' Hey! It fits and it's funny!!

Current Lips: purple and black gradient blend

10:39pm: Your party, should you choose to enjoy it...
I have to give me and my mom credit. We came up with a very cute surprise for Father's Day and Dad never saw it coming!

We decorated the entire living room to look like an indoor beach. We threw down a picnic blanket, pulled out the lawn chairs, and draped towels over everything. There were seashells on the coffee table, a bucket and pail on the fireplace, and we even found his favorite swimsuit and orange hat (you can scan the entire ocean and know right where he was as long as he wore that neon orange hat...).

We ate a beach-style picnic dinner when he got home from work, looked through old pictures and postcards, listened to music and played a few games.

He was certainly surprised. And I think he really enjoyed himself.

Mission accomplished.

2:12pm: Dammit, Jim, I'm a video person, not a doctor.
I saw Star Trek again on Friday night, at the IMAX theater no less, and it was incredibly awesome.

I think it took a second showing to really appreciate the way Spock's character was done. I was able to see the conflict, the emotion, the pain... and before, it was so subtle, that I missed it. Of course, between an attractive Kirk getting his ass handed to him and... well, an attractive Kirk getting his ass handed to him a fifth or sixth time, it was easy to miss. I was distracted.



Distraction... happens...

But after the credits had rolled, I certainly wasn't distracted -

Friend: 'So, what'd you think of the movie? Was it just as good the second time?'
Me: 'Oh my God. He used a SureTarget preset on those ending credits. But how did he get a full, different background with each rotation?! That After Effects composition must have been huge!!'
Friend: 'oooookay...'

Okay, perhaps I was...

6:32am: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
I think so Brain, but you can't write 'Trek Note II: The Wrath of Kira' without first writing 'Trek Note: the Fanfiction.'

The other day, I happened upon a picture of a Death Note/Star Trek Crossover. And (especially after making plans to go see Star Trek: The IMAX Experience tonight) the wheels in my head just started turning...

If you crossed the two universes, L would make a very interesting Vulcan. He is highly logical, rational and for the most part, unemotional. He has the Vulcan build and basic Vulcan appearance. And then comes the interesting part... he's basically a Vulcan lush.

If one can believe the novelization of Star Trek IV, then it's cannon that saccharine produces an effect in Vulcans that is similar to the effect of alcohol in humans. L does nothing but consume sugary things all day. He's like a Vulcan alcoholic, something any Starfleet officer would notice immediately, given his unkempt appearance and odd mannerisms.

But if a Vulcan L on sugar solves cases like Dr. House on vicodin (oh dear... a triple crossover??) then the good of the many outweighs the good of the one. Until he has to detox for some reason.

Of course, if L is a Vulcan, that would make the Wammy House an intergalactic space station, home to orphans from all sorts of worlds.

I still picture Watari and Roger as humans.

Near, given how unemotional he is, would likely be a Vulcan as well. Yes, that's all the universe needs, a crippled genius albino Vulcan.

Mello would be human, but I'd imagine his past is rather sketchy. He'd be the sole surviving member of a shuttle crash, abandoned as an infant and then raised by Klingons. It would certainly explain the quick temper. If he hates you, it's going to be bloody. If he loves you, it's going to be bloody.

And with his love of technology, it would be absolutely hilarious if Matt was some kind of partial borg, a human who was experimented on, messed up, and left for dead. He could have some of the mechanical advantages, but none of the mind control.

Make A an Andorian and B a Romulan (he'd have to resemble L in every way, but act passionately on his emotions) and we have a full cast of characters!

... now I just need a plot. Any ideas?

Current Lips: a minty gradient blend

8:41pm: An Acute Attack of Nostalgia
I'm not sure whether it was playing card games with my mother, reformatting old floppy disks for my father or watching Aladdin over dinner, but I'm back to thinking about the good old days of childhood - when things seemed a lot simpler.

- The Childhood Memory Meme -

Name five of your favorite childhood memories about these five categories:

School:
1. Mom teaching me how to write
I'll never forget sitting at my little desk at home. I couldn't have been more than 3. My mom was teaching me how to write the alphabet. She put a pencil in my hand, formed my fingers in the proper position, and then I moved them. She moved my fingers on the pencil again, and I moved them again. She moved them. I moved them. This went on for a while, and eventually she gave up. I still hold my pencil the bizarre way I insisted on gripping it.
2. Placement Tests for Kindergarten
I don't remember all of this, but my mom's told me the story so many times, that I remember it through her. The point of the story is that when the kids were finished with the test, they were free to go out to the playground. When my mom got to the school to help with the test, she saw me playing outside, while all the other kids were having the questions read to them. She was furious, positive that I couldn't have taken the test seriously, and just marked down a bunch of answers so I could go play. When the scores finally came back, they put me in the gifted class.
3. My first day of Kindergarten
I came home crying. No, it had nothing to do with missing my parents, getting picked on or scraping my knees. I had been so excited about going to school, where I would have a desk of my very own to sit at and learn. We didn't get desks, and boy did that upset me.
4. Choosing my position in the childhood social hierarchy.
I remember in first grade that I was friends with some of the popular kids. One day, I brought another of my friends over to play with them, and much to my dismay, the popular kids weren't pleased. In no uncertain terms, they told me I could either play with them or play with my unpopular friend. I picked the unpopular friend and turned my back on the popular group. That choice literally decided my place in the social hierarchy for the next twelve years. Looking back, I'm satisfied with that choice, but really... who knew?!
5. If Creativity had a birthday...
When I was in fifth grade, we went to camp for a week. One day, we were on a nature hike. I looked down at the stream we were crossing, and noticed a peculiar pattern in the rocks. I tugged on my teacher's arm, pointed at the rocks and asked, 'Have you ever seen the water smile?' She told me to write that down. That simple encouragement opened up a world of creative expression that I have never stopped using.

Clothes:
1. A Red Hat.
According to my parents, when I was just a toddler, I picked up a knit hat at a garage sale and just wouldn't be persuaded to leave without it. I then proceeded to wear that red hat everywhere for the next few years.
2. Reebok Sneakers
I loved those sneakers. Every year, when the pair I had wore out, mom would take me to the store to get another pair just like it. In fact, I'm still wearing that brand of sneaker - just in much bigger sizes.
3. Skorts.
I remember having two pairs - one with a pink skirt and one with a purple skirt, both over black shorts. I thought they were the coolest thing ever to wear in gym class. I'm sure I probably wore my crimped hair and big socks with them too, since the 80's were just ending.
4. A fancy yellow dress.
I remember being the flower girl for my aunt's wedding, and getting to wear a fancy yellow dress. It reminded me of Belle from Beauty and the Beast, (always one of my favorite of the Disney princesses) and I thought it made me look so pretty.
5. Glasses
I got my first pair when I was in fourth grade. The frames were metal, and were rainbow colored. I remember telling people that way, they'd match everything. My current glasses still match everything. But that's because they're black.

Food:
1. Bananas
From as early as I can remember, I ate a banana for breakfast. In fact, I can't remember a time where I didn't (willingly) go without a banana first thing in the morning.
2. Pasta
I am Italian, and Italians roll their long pasta on a spoon. They don't cut it with a knife or use just a fork. So everyone in the family taught me how to eat my pasta like a real Italian. To this day, it baffles me that in restaurants, I have to ask for a spoon when I order Italian food and then they look at me funny.
3. Liver
I don't remember what liver actually tastes like, but I remember that as a kid, I didn't just like it. I loved it. It was meat loaf and mashed potatoes that I couldn't stand.
4. Chocolate
Oddly enough, as much as I despise the disgusting taste of it now, when I was a kid, I did actually eat chocolate. I remember eating E.L.F. cookies (back when they made single elves and not just sandwich elves) and ice cream sandwiches with chocolate cookies on the outside. In fact, every day after swim class, mom gave me an ice cream sandwich. It wasn't until almost high school that I stopped eating chocolate altogether. I just grew to hate the flavor of it.
5. French bread
When I was a kid, I used to love to eat the middle out of the bread slices and leave the hard crust on the plate. Oddly enough, most of the cousins on my dad's side of the family did the same thing when they were kids. And that was before I was even born.

TV Shows/Movies:
1.Rankin-Bass Christmas specials
Whenever holiday time was around the corner, I would sit and watch all of the stop-motion animation specials, from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer to The Year without a Santa Claus. And my very favorite was Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I still have a big place in my heart for those, that entire style of animation, even.
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
By the time I was seven, Ninja Turtles was all the rage. I idolized Splinter. I wanted to be like Donatello. I loved imitating the show, and I must have begged my parents a hundred times to let me take karate. It didn't rub off on them until I was 12 and I got hooked on...
3. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Yes, I was a little on the old side when this show came out, but that didn't stop me from watching every single episode. And this time, when I begged my parents for martial arts lessons, they listened. If it wasn't for my little tween crush on Tommy, the Green Ranger, I probably wouldn't be the master I am today.
4. Problem Child
This was a short-lived cartoon based on the hit movies. It was this show that inspired me to write out my first fanscript/fanfiction. I don't remember the entire plot, or even how it ended, but it involved the main character getting hurt in some way. I titled it Junior in a Crutch of Trouble. And I remember acting it out, to test my plot, with the kids next door using a pair of big sticks.
5. Mighty Mouse
I think my parents would probably call this my first 'obsession.' The first in a very long line of obsessions. They said I used to run around the house for days and days and days pretending I was Mighty Mouse, singing 'Here I come to save the day!!' over and over again. Eventually I remember them forcing me to play something else just so I'd do something different. Funny, the topic changes, but my level of obsession doesn't change all that much...

Toys/Games:
1. Snoopy
When I was really little, just learning how to write, I found a Christmas book where a child wrote a letter to Santa, wanting his lost puppy brought back. I copied that letter (and it took enough paper to reach from the mantle above the fireplace to the floor) and sure enough, on Christmas morning, there was a stuffed Snoopy toy in my bed. And there was one the next year too. And the next year. And the next. It was a Christmas tradition!!
2. Blankity and Blank
When I was just a baby, my parents thought they were so smart. I had a white security blanket that I carried around with me everywhere, and they had bought a second one, to use as a backup in case I lost it. Well, one day I found it, and discovered that I had two. I slept with those blankets until they were literally torn to shreds. I think I still have a tiny piece of it left, in a tiny box in my dresser.
3. Nintendo
What kid didn't love Nintendo. And I didn't just play the games, I'd act them out once the TV was turned off. The boy next door would be Ganon, and I'd be Link, and we'd play just like I did on the screen. (Granted, I wasn't very good at video games... so usually Link lost. And that's how it happened in the back yard too.)
4. Green Ranger Action Figure
When I was in sixth grade, that was what I most wanted for Christmas, and I got it. It was an action figure of Tommy, where if you pushed down on his belt buckle, his head would flip around and he'd 'morph.' I loved that action figure, and I used to keep it next to my pillow at night. Unfortunately, at the time, I slept in a back brace, and sometimes it would get crunched under the plastic. I still have it by my bed. But it's missing both its legs now.
5. The Children's Writing and Publishing Center
This was my first computer game, if you can call it a game. I spent endless hours making up stories and typing them up, then saving them to floppy disks. The biggest downside, though, was that a document could only be four pages long.

Current Lips: black with white circles

6:40am: Yes, it really does all come down to pants
I didn't realize Kendo class could be so entertaining. People tripping and falling over. Someone laughing so hard they spit water across the store. And the rest of us literally dying in laughter over everything else.

At one point, I tripped on my pants and landed on my scabbard. (of course, by saying scabbard, that means I was using my metal katana, and more importantly, it also points out that I didn't land on the sharp pointy end.)

But the most hilarious moment for me was how we started class. We were practicing our oji waza drills and my partner was doing a stomach cut with his shinai. He came across, and barely made contact... but his sword somehow, in a one in a million chance, stuck through the ties on my pants... and literally undid them!!

I caught my pants before they fell down and just shouted back at him - 'Pervert! Stop trying to undress me with your weapon!!'

My master came out to see what the commotion was about.

My partner - "We almost got to see what she wears under her hakama."
Master - "It's not like you were going commando under there."
me - "... well... actually... I don't wear pants under mine like you all do... my uniform top goes down far enough to cover everything..."
My partner - "I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!!'
Me - "Why, because you almost de-pantsed me?'
My partner - "YES!"

Current Lips: light green, turquoise and blue gradient blend

9:15pm: Well, I give them two points for obviousness.
I opened my mail today, only to find a letter from my health insurance company. It wasn't a bill, just a monthly statement, but it had some helpful information at the top.

I unfolded the letter. I sneezed. I sneezed again. I read the first words, and I sneezed a third time.

"Allergy Season is here!!"

Tell me something I didn't already know...

Well, actually it did. It had some helpful tips for relieving allergies. Some were obvious, such as keeping windows and doors closed. But others weren't quite so obvious, such as using air conditioning at home and in the car, vacuuming with a HEPA filter and showering before bed.

*sneeze*

Current Lips: black and green gradient blend

6:35am: I bet Watari never made that mistake.
One of the witches was showing off her homemade ouija board after circle on Saturday night. I'm not sure if she made it herself or if it was a gift. But as much as I tried to appreciate it, there was just one thing I couldn't get passed...

"There's a letter that's upside down on here."
"You're looking at it from upside down."
"No. The L. The L is upside down."
"No, it's not. It's an old English L."
"It's an old English L that's upside down. I have the same sticker on my car."

(anime fans... start your laughter...)

"Then the sticker on your car is upside down!"
"No. It's NOT. I'm very familiar with this font!"
"It is not upside down!"
"Yes it is! The font is called cloister black. I have used it in many projects, and I am exceedingly familiar with the letters, especially THAT ONE. For a variety of reasons. Your L is upside down!!!"

She paused for a minute.

"... yeah, well W doesn't right come after P either..."

Current Lips: green and white gradient blend

7:27pm: And God said, Let there be videos. Err... video. Damn YouTube.
That's got to be a record. YouTube, in its quest to remove anything with copyrighted audio, no matter how artistically manipulated it is... killed my AMV within half an hour. Literally, I uploaded, I left to take a shower, I came back, and *poof* the video is deleted. I didn't even get to select an icon for it.

Fortunately, if anyone wants to see my award winning, Runner Up - Best in Show video from this year's A-Kon Fanworks Contest, it's still alive and well.

A parody of the Beastie Boys' song, 'Girls', this one is called: Cons!

Current Lips: purple and turquoise gradient blend

6:52pm: A-Kon Twenty! The Kon is almost old enough to drink... and that's a scary thought.
All in all, A-kon does seem to get worse every year, as a con in general goes. They are always disorganized. People are always idiots, forcing con security to crack down on absolutely everyone in the most ridiculous of ways. And no matter how good a plan is, nothing ever goes according to it.

There was the good. There was the bad. And there were a few moments where I certainly turned into Mello... but I'll just stick those in the 'bad' section.

The Costumes:
Friday: Post-Explosion Mello.
And when I say 'post-explosion' I mean so post-explosion, the burns haven't even scarred over yet. Surprisingly, not many people knew who I was. Even though I was standing next to a Matt. I love this costume a lot. I love the fresh burn look so much, I even got fan art done of it again!

Saturday AM: Prison!Mello.
Surprisingly, people actually got this, as opposed to the reaction at Sakura-Con. Those who didn't get it could at least laugh at the fact that security made me check the handcuffs as a weapon.

Saturday PM: Ryuk.
Awesome costume. Absolutely the most awesome costume I've ever made. Unfortunately, there were a few malfunctions at the absolute worst of times. More on that later... But I plan on wearing this as many times as humanly possible. (I just have to have an assistant to get me in and out of it) Because so many people wanted their picture taken with me. And they complimented the hard work that went into it, and they just LOVED it as much as I did. The judges didn't, but the con-goers did. And that's all that really matters! Oh, and I have concluded that I have about 4 hours of good breathable air in there. Then I really need a break.

Saturday even later PM: Mello
Really, this was just a costume thrown on because I wanted to get out my frustrations and just get out of the room after a few bad events. But it was still a separate costume. I had a lot of fun in it, and art happened while I was in it!

Sunday: White Wizard Bakura.
I needed a good attitude on Sunday, and that costume had it. Plus, there was a Yugioh photo shoot happening that day, and I wanted to be a part of it. I even carried around my big kuribo pillow, which was well-loved by all! But it's hard not to love a kuribo.

The Good:

- Lines.
For the first time in the history of a con, we waited for less than two minutes in the pre-registration line. We were all so completely dumbfounded that we spent the next couple of hours wandering aimlessly because we didn't know what to do with ourselves.
In fact, I hardly stood in lines for anything, now that I think about it. There was plenty of waiting. But not really in lines.

- Videos.
I had two videos make it into the final rounds in their respective categories this year. One of them didn't place, but the other got Runner Up: Best in Show! I got second place in the Fanworks division! And what I lost to, I will say, was an honor to lose to. It was a brilliant piece of work. (I'll post both of my pieces up to You Tube this week.)
What made me the happiest, though, was how the head of the contest introduced my award. He complimented me, said I'd been in this division since it's very first year, that I always come up with something truly original, that he really appreciated my work. I was really thinking of throwing in the towel on the video contests, but after hearing someone truly appreciate it... it makes me want to make more! I just need to start a lot sooner!! And I already have a few ideas.

- Art.
I certainly got my share of art this con. And since I brought food to make and eat, I could afford to spend more money on said art!
On Friday, I got a commission done of my costume. It's a beautiful picture of my burned and bandaged Mello crawling on the ground. It looks really nice. And I sent a lot of people back to that boy's booth since he did such a good job on it.
The next piece of art I got on Saturday night (or maybe Sunday morning technically...) After such a bad evening, I happened to run into my favorite artist ever - Dogmatix! And she drew a picture for me. She put all my frustrations into it, and I felt like all my bad emotions just ran into the art and were out of me. Consequentially, the Mello in the picture looks like he was beaten with a lead pipe, and he somehow had his right leg severed. ... it looks so good.
Then I drew a picture of a chibi-her doodling on a big piece of paper. She loved it as much as I loved mine!!

- Swords.
On Sunday, I tried my hand in a swordfighting tournament. I was the only girl that entered, and I was beaten in the first round. But I gave it a shot anyway. My opponent was someone that does swordplay for a hobby, for quite some time. The best part was that after we finished, I heard him go over to his friend and say, 'woah... she was GOOD!'
After I got my shoes back on, I went over and congratulated him on a good match, and said he fought well. And he said he totally underestimated me. He specified, whether he meant this or not, not because I was a girl, but because of my costume... Yes, as a white wizard, I was acting all cute and fluffy. He thought it would be an easy fight. And it wasn't.
My kendo skills are improving!
Oh, and I managed to convince myself that I didn't need a $100 Klingon Batleth. A $5 swordfighting tournament and a compliment were awesome enough.

- Seven Deadly Sins
This is the ultimate con game. And the two rounds we played at the con were filled with hilarity. Being called Fatass until the end of the game. "You're going to Fist City!!" Going through someone's wallet. Taking a break in the middle when idiots outside are yelling penis at the top of their lungs, only to open a door and shout, 'Vagina!!' at the top of yours.
That, and while dressed as Mello, I missed a question about chocolate. About M&M's specifically. And never got to live it down. I was teased about it all weekend, and will probably be teased about it until the next con too.
Unfortunately, we didn't get a chance to play Death Note Clue. I'll have to bring that and do it another time.

- Swag Report.
Yup, it's not a con without swag. My second place video earned me a big set of Star Wars miniatures. Not sure what I'll do with them yet, though.
In the dealers' room, I nabbed a copy of Death Note II (which I had been wanting to buy for so long online and never quite got around to it), a doujinshi that featured L as a nurse, a homemaker and a schoolteacher, and had a great panel with Mello jump spinning crescent kicking a hostage across the face. Pretty neat! And of course, I bought some Pocky and some gummy candy.
In Artist Alley, I found an adorable Ryou head sticker. And I couldn't pass it up. Especially when there was a Malik one for one of my friends to get, and we bought them together!
The art I got was still my favorite con-goodie, though!


The Bad:

- The Cosplay Contest.
The wings worked perfectly in the hotel room on my various tests.
The wings jammed on stage during rehearsal. So I went to the sidelines, fixed the problem, and tested them again... multiple times.
Five minutes before I went on stage, I had no one to assist me, so I directed a stage ninja to change batteries for me. Apparently she ripped one of the wires out, and I didn't even know it.
I went on stage. The wings shot out from the manual release, but the robotics part was dead. I stumbled, I froze. I sucked.
I walked off stage, and one wing completely fell out right in front of the judges table.
It couldn't have gone WORSE... except that it did.
Oh yeah, I lost. And Best in Show... went to another Ryuk.

- After-Cosplay Drama.
Really, the cosplay itself didn't piss me off as much as the fact that a certain roommate of mine left me down there, in a costume that I was physically unable to take off by myself, physically unable to see to get myself to a place where I could get out of it, for so long that I completely ran out of breathable air and nearly needed the con medics to haul my soon-to-be-fainted body upstairs. I don't care what the reason was, leaving someone in those conditions is rude, insensitive and irresponsible.
I knew my friends didn't want to be tied to me for all that time. I didn't make them go to rehearsal with me. That would be selfish. I just asked to be walked down, for someone to film my act (I was number 10, so it didn't take very long at all) and for one to meet after the show to get the mask off. Instead, she went to watch karaoke. She completely left me, believing somehow that I would meet her back up at the room when I was done getting pictures taken after the show... despite the fact that she had my room key, my phone, my wallet... It took 2 people to get me downstairs. How was I going to get back up without help?!
I finally did find them, probably causing more of an embarrassing scene than I should have, but by then, I was as livid as Mello could ever be. She's still angry that she missed our other friend's song. And I spent the rest of the evening in the con suite getting some much needed food and water. Even they could tell I looked like I was about to need the medic staff. They even gave me a blanket, got me water, rubbed my shoulders, and made sure I wasn't going to pass out before letting me go back to the con.

(note, anything I say about this con being disorganized does not apply to the wonderful people that ran the con suite. They were the most kind, considerate, helpful people I have met at a con. They took care of me when I needed care. And they'd do it for anyone.)

- The pain of cosplay.
Let's just say my Prison!Mello handcuffs were great, until I managed to trip so badly that I managed to rip the chain from the cuffs, completely tighten the cuff around my ankle, and cut it up.
My back hurt a lot too from the wing mount. Not quite sure why, though. But I did get a wonderful massage on Sunday morning from the professional masseuse. Ten minutes. Ten Dollars well spent. Oh god, yes. And I really wish I had another one right now.


All in all, I'm not sure whether I'm going to go to Akon next year. I look so forward to it, and it usually gets worse every year. And yet, then again, somehow, something always reminds me of why I enjoy it, and why I go back every time.

So, I may decide to just go one day. I may decide to commute, or just go in for a little while. I'm getting tired of the stupidity of competition. (Well, not the video competition anymore. Not after what the contest organizer said about me on stage!) But the cosplay show does leave something to be desired. Standing in one spot for two hours having pictures taken of me is so much more fun.

I think I'd rather put my funds toward another out of town convention in a different place in the country, and explore a new location.

Can't wait for animefest, though. It'll be wonderful for sure! It always is!

Current COSTUME: White Wizard Bakura!

6:56am: Countdown - 2 days until A-kon
I think I've done nothing but costumes for the last two weeks, save those three hours I got locked out of my car at Hobby Lobby this weekend. I'm still sunburned from that...

But it'll all pay off this weekend... A-kon Cosplay contest. Saturday night.

My Ryuk costume is about 95% done. I only have a few more finishing touches to put on it tonight and tomorrow, and then I'll be finished. And just in the nick of time too. And to think, I entered this contest months ago, before the costume was anywhere near completed...

Current Lips: yellow, orange and black gradient blend

8:39am: How to get into your locked car in 104 easy steps.
Let me recount the following conversation with one of my friends...

Me: Guess where I am right now.
Usagi: I don't know. Where?
Me: Outside Hobby Lobby.
Usagi: Why are you outside Hobby Lobby?
Me: Because I can't get into my car...
Usagi: ... You locked yourself out of the car, didn't you.
Me: Yup...

1. After buying a container of white paint (it was on SALE!), discover that car keys are not in the back of your purse.
2. Check the front of the purse. No keys.
3. Check the side of the purse. No keys.
4. Check anything in between the purse. Still no keys.
5. Oh shit.
6. Walk to car.
7. Look in the window and see the keys sitting on the front seat, staring up at you.
8. if they could talk, they'd be taunting you right now.
9. Call someone in that city, (a.k.a. the person you were buying the paint for...) and say you've locked yourself out of the car.
10. Ask them to bring you a coat hanger.
11. Wait fifteen minutes for them to arrive.
12. In the meantime, empty purse, wondering if you have anything there that might help you play MacGuyver.
13. Other than what can normally be considered purse-contents, you have a hairpin, a DVD, too many receipts, a chibi Death Note and a USB drive.
14. You cannot break into a computer with a USB drive.
15. Try to put the hairpin in the lock.
16. Absolutely nothing happens.
17. Try to bend the hairpin.
18. It breaks.
19. Throw the hairpin on the ground and curse its very existence.
20. Contemplate writing your car keys in the Chibi Death Note.
21. Watch friend pull up.
22. Wait for them to bend coat hanger, hitting and possibly scratching the unsuspecting car next to you.
23. poke coat hanger in lock.
24. Realize that is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
25. Friend suggests calling the police.
26. Doesn't want to dial 911.
27. Sends friend into Hobby Lobby to get a phone book, to look for the non-emergency police phone number.
28. when she leaves, call up someone who might as well be MacGuyver... with a black belt!
29. "Sir, how do I break into a car?"
30. "Kick out the window."
31. "Let me rephrase this. How do I break into MY car? I locked my keys in it."
32. Learn that you're supposed to put the coat hanger through the window, not the lock.
33. Learn that it only works on older cars. Most newer cars were fixed so thieves wouldn't use this surprisingly easy method to break into cars.
34. Start trying to find an opening at the window and door.
35. A passerby sees me attempting this, and helps out too.
36. Nobody in this story will be auditioning for the role of MacGuyver anytime soon.
37. Passerby gives up.
38. Fiddle with coat hanger.
39. Friend comes back, to reveal that the police will only come unlock a car door if there is a baby in the car or a pet in the car. Otherwise, they say to call a locksmith. This isn't their job.
40. But a locksmith might cost you $100 or more!
41. Decide on the most economically sound, yet emotionally troubling possibility - call parents.
42. "Mom... a funny thing happened... I locked my keys in the car..."
43. Instruct her that there's a spare set of keys, and describe the two places they are likely to be.
44. Those two places were the Nissan folder with my original car papers and the left dresser drawer where I keep my checks.
45. She can't find another keyless entry remote. But she does find another key.
46. Insist there's another keyless entry remote. And insist that the drivers' side door lock is BROKEN. You can't put a normal key in there.
47. She can't find another keyless entry remote, though. Looks like you're crawling through the trunk.
48. Insist that you KNOW it's there!
49. She gives the spare key to your father, and he asks where he's going.
50. Reveals that you're about 45 minutes away on the other side of town...
51. Hear cursing in background.
52. Try to reason that everyone has locked themselves out of a car at one time or another in their lives.
53. Dad's on his way.
54. Realize that he will probably take the Bush... which means he'll get there ten to fifteen minutes after when I'd get there by going Loop 12.
55. Call up other friends to get evidence, for when he arrives, possibly angry, that other people have locked themselves out of their car at one time or another.
56. Friend leaves to take her daughter to dance rehearsal.
57. Master comes by to assess the damage, and reveals that a coat hanger is useless.
58. Asks if you need a ride home.
59. Say that dad's coming with a spare key.
60. He heads on his merry way.
61. Wait.
62. Call friends and allow them to laugh at your circumstances.
63. Call best friend and discuss Star Trek movie.
64. After about forty-five minutes or so, dad arrives with key.
65. Put key in drivers side lock.
66. It doesn't even go in.
67. "Oh wait, that's the one that got broken when someone tried to break into your car. Well, if we pull the back seat down, you can probably crawl in through the trunk."
68. Contemplate why you were imagining this possibility on your drive into town, and swear you had a psychic premonition about it.
69. Mentally kick your ESP for not making it obvious enough to actually double check the placement of your keys when you got out of the car.
70. Put key in trunk lock.
71. It doesn't go in.
72. Fuck. It's an ignition only key.
73. Swear up and down on Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and Thor that you have another key, another keyless entry remote!!
74. "No, you don't! Your mother says it's NOT THERE! Just call the POLICE!"
75. "Already did that. Police don't do that kind of thing. Not in their job description anymore."
76. "They're supposed to protect and serve. They do a good job of protecting, but this sue as hell isn't SERVING."
77. He calls mom, and asks for the phone number of the locksmith he keeps in his briefcase, which he left at the house.
78. She reads through every business card aloud, before finally finding it.
79. She calls the locksmith, and they report they'll be able to have someone out in about 3-4 hours.
80. She calls us back, and tells us that information.
81. Dad loudly orders her to call a different locksmith.
82. Wait.
83. Ask Dad if he's interested in seeing the new Star Trek movie.
84. He's not.
85. "Just how long does it take to call a fucking locksmith?!"
86. As soon as he finishes his sentence, the phone rings.
87. "About that long."
88. Locksmith will arrive in about thirty minutes.
89. When they're about ten minutes away, the locksmith calls to make sure we're next to the car.
90. "It's a black Nissan Sentra. And we'll be the ones standing next to it looking like idiots."
91. It starts to rain.
92. We get wet.
93. Now we really do look like idiots.
94. About two minutes before the locksmith arrives, receive a phone call from mom.
95. "... It was in the RIGHT drawer of your dresser... not the left..."
96. Fuckity fucking fuck fuck mcfuckeston.
97. "Don't tell me, she found another key."
98. "I TOLD YOU I HAD ONE!!!!"
99. Locksmith finally arrives.
100. Fill out papers for them.
101. Car is unlocked before you even finish filling out papers.
102. Cut them a $50 check.
103. Swear to put the spare keyless entry remote in your purse the moment you get home.
104. Drive off.

Current Lips: green and black stripes

10:15pm: Live long, watch movie, and prosper!
It's official. The new Star Trek movie will not only revitalize the franchise, but it will boldly go where no one has gone before.

(I boldly went to see it tonight, at the mall, with a bunch of people from work. I was dressed in full Starfleet regalia, original series style. And one of them DARED to call me an ensign. The markings on my sleeve clearly make me a commander, dammit. And a science officer, at that.)

It changes the entire timeline of the Star Trek universe. It reads like a brilliant fanfiction, and feels like one too. It paints the picture of Spock as a self-absorbed jerk and Kirk as a rogue underdog who can certainly take a punch. It makes Spock/Uhura a serious shipping pairing.

It begins with heartbreak. It is filled with almost non-stop violent action and amazing effects. And it ends with applause.

And yet, in spite of all of that, (especially about making Kirk an admirable character... which until now, I really didn't think was possible.) I absolutely love it. And I might actually like Kirk... but just this once.

It pulled in just enough inside humor that the fans were thoroughly entertained. And yet, it was so exciting, that even someone who can't distinguish between Spock's neck pinch and Darth Vader's neck pinch would love to see it, and maybe even see it twice.

I might even see it twice. And that says something.

Just fyi - for anyone who has yet to see the movie, be sure to stay for the credits. The animation in them is downright spectacular, and was created by the incredible Andrew Kramer, whose After Effects tutorials I cannot praise enough.

Current COSTUME: Spock

6:41am: Oooh, a needle. Pokey pokey!
If it hasn't been part of my Ryuk costume or attached to my Ryuk costume, it hasn't even been looked at in the last few days. That's a guarantee. But we're finally making a lot of progress. (We'd better be. The con is in a week!!)

Yesterday, though, I had to at least take time out enough to go to the doctor. I needed blood drawn to check my kidney function. No, there's nothing wrong with my kidneys that I know of, but it's just something they have to do periodically while I'm on this medicine, to check for rare side effects. I also had to pick up a test kit for my own tests. I'm tapering down on the medication, so checking to make sure I'm still healthy while on half the normal dose is a good thing.

And that makes me happy - I've been on one pill a day instead of two for several days now. And the symptoms have been no more serious than gas. And the gas is likely being caused by the acidophilus powder anyway. Another few weeks to a month on one pill, (stopping it right before an anime convention didn't sound like such a good idea...) and if things are stable, I'll stop taking them entirely... and if all goes well after that - Consider me in remission!!

I just need to remember to keep my stress down, relax, and continue to keep myself healthy. I think the probiotics are helping a lot too.

Unfortunately, to get a new prescription, they had to first write a diagnosis. They had to give my condition an official name. And a name like Crohn's Disease could very well haunt my medical file for the rest of my life if slapped on incorrectly. I don't need any headaches with future insurance companies, thank you very much.

So, with that in mind, the doctor gave me an official diagnosis - Inflammatory Bowel Disease of Unknown Origin. It's ideopathic... I like that.

I'll like it even better when I'm in remission.

Current Lips: orange, turquoise and light purple gradient blend

6:59pm: Today is the first day of the rest of your life
I think I've grown up more in the past forty eight hours than I have in the last year. And I think, for the first time, I see things a bit more clearly.

This morning, I went to pick up my deposit check from The Green. I pulled out of the lease during my grace period. And it wasn't because of anything my mother said. It wasn't because of any looks my father gave me. It wasn't out of fear. And it wasn't out of hate. It was because for the first time, I realized something...

This is an acre of diamonds.

I'm not happy. But if I can't find happiness where I am, where can I expect to find it? I'm not unhappy because of just being home with my parents. I'm unhappy with who I've become, who I've let myself become.

I had a very long talk with my mom last night, and I'm glad that I did. I'm very glad that I did.

Because for the first time, I had something I needed to say, not to her. But to myself.

You might say for the past few years, I've led a double, if not a triple life. It might not be evident on this journal, but it's true. I've been a big part of an online role playing game. I've become so entrenched in it, that I might as well be an addict. I think about it a lot, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it. It's become so big a part of my life, that it's interfering with other things. I'm living vicariously, when I could be living. I feel guilty when I'm not playing, and I feel guilty when I am. I know my characters better than I know myself. And this scares me even more than the thought of moving away.

Moving to an apartment isn't going to make me feel happy if I'm not happy now. I'll just do the same thing, especially when living alone. I'll turn inward, turn back to my RP troupe, turn back to my game. It'll be the same thing.

I've always said that I've used RP to learn about myself. And that's true... I look at my characters and how they've changed over the past year or so. One of them says he's happy, but there's a part of him that always craves something more. He's found contentment, but it isn't the same as it used to be, and I can't bear to see that particular character unhappy. The other is an alcoholic sorcerer that has been working on his own demons, who was finally starting to realize that there was so much more to life than magic, than what he'd been taught...

They've been trying to tell me something for a while now. I just haven't wanted to listen. But it's time I start listening.

My master was right. If things don't change, then they stay the same. So I'm going to change things.

I'm quitting the RP. Not only that, but the whole community will be closing. I may finish updating all the logs so I'll always be able to go back and read and remember the fun times. But I won't be living it.

I want to be happy. I want to find the acre of diamonds that is right under my feet, so that when (not if, since I'm aiming for a moving date later this summer) I move, I'm not searching for happiness, I'm taking it with me. And until I do move, I'm going to take every advantage I have - to get to know my parents for who they are, to spend time with them, to try new things. My new goal - to do something every day that's blogworthy. No matter what it is.

And I'm going to start today... by sewing a lot more spikes on my Ryuk costume. Akon's only in a week and a half... damn... time to get to work!

Current Lips: light green and blue gradient blend

8:38am: Fly me to the moon and back.
I promised a dream interpretation on Friday, but real life has kept me far from the computer these last few days, and I am still dealing with the consequences of my actions.

On Friday, I decided to go looking for apartments myself. Everyone spoke so highly of a certain community of complexes, that I went to see for myself. And I liked what I saw. Out of all the communities there, I found one that I liked in particular. And they were currently running a special on their rates. ($200 off per month and the first month free!!) I asked my dad if we could add that one to the viewing list on Saturday, and he said yes. I gave him all the paperwork for it on Friday night. He seemed to like it too.

On Saturday, we went out looking at a few of the places he had found. They certainly weren't spectacular. And one of them even had a lock that his special key couldn't open. So we didn't even get to view the property... which only made the fact that he accidentally dented his new car on the gate pole even worse.

Then I took them to the place I had found.

It was in a complex called, 'The Green.'

We got to walk through an example unit first. Turns out the one that I had been quoted was way too small. But they had a floorplan that was just a fraction bigger (all the fraction that mattered, I would say) for not too much more. It was still well within my budget. And it had so much of what I wanted and needed.

It was a second story unit, one bedroom, one bath, a nice kitchen with plenty of counter space, a separate dining area, a bar area, washer/dryer included, a fireplace, a nice-sized walk-in closet. It's even already wired for cable internet and TV. It has covered parking for an extra $20 a month (well worth it, and still within my budget.)

The complex is a gated community. It offers 24-hour repair service, courtesy patrols, exquisite landscaping, free access to the country club with all of its activities and parties. It's less than five minutes from my office, and not that much farther from my friends.

We walked through all the units, and my dad said it was a good deal. He liked the area. And so I did it. I took a deep breath and announced that I wanted to put a deposit down on the unit. That way, no one else could come snatch it from me. They gave me 48 hours to change my mind, and gave me all the paperwork to fill out.

My move in date is June 1. And since that's my free month, I'll have ample time to move everything in. It's not a rush job.

I was so happy, unbelievably happy. After years of waiting for this or striving for that, I was finally moving out. I'd found a place I thought that I could enjoy. It may not be perfect, but then again, it just might be!! It was the first day of the rest of my life!!

And now... like I said before, I am just trying to deal with the consequences of my actions.

My mom hasn't stopped letting me know how she feels about it, in small, subtle, but highly vitriolic and manipulative ways. She looks at me as though I have a scarlet letter, as though I've shamed the entire family or just committed the worst kind of treason. If dad feels the same way, at least he's kept it to himself.

Before, I felt like a prisoner. Now I just feel like a criminal.

It was always something - it's not the best time to move. The economy is down. Obama is in office. We haven't had a garage sale yet. You have a convention coming up. Wait until you finish that class at work. You need to fix your health problem first. You're too insecure. You're not ready. You're a spoiled brat for wanting to leave. It's NEVER going to be the right time, so what makes this less of a right time than all the other not-right times? Absolutely nothing.

She won't kiss me, hug me, or even say she loves me. I even asked her why she wouldn't, and she said she didn't love who I was or anything that I do. She's incredibly angry at my master for telling me to move. (Funny, I was the one telling him I wanted to move, and he was just agreeing with me the whole time.) And par usual, she is positive I can't handle any of this. And has refused to help me in any way. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she takes back anything she's given me in the past few years. I hope she doesn't... because that's the vast majority of my clothes...

As a person who's come to meet me at the door when I drive in and say goodnight to me every night, all she did was give me the cold shoulder, 'you wanted independence. That's life, start getting used to it.' When we were both in the kitchen making a snack with apples, I commented that her snack looked good, and she replied by saying, 'this isn't a snack. It's my breakfast and my lunch. I'm too upset to eat today.' in the most snide voice imaginable. She's chastised me, saying if I want to 'waste $10,000 a year, that's my fault.' And the remarks just keep coming... when she's not avoiding me completely, that is.

She's trying to guilt me into calling it off within the 48 hour period. And saying otherwise is a big fat lie. She's preying off my insecurity to get me to do what she wants. Well, I'm sick of always playing that game. I want to play the game by my own rules now. I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to move into my first place.

I have to start doing what's right for me. Or things aren't going to get better. If I continue to do nothing, then nothing changes. I have to live my life.

At least my dad did say one good thing to her...

'Honey. She's moving to an apartment across town, 20 minutes away. She's not leaving the country. She's not going to the moon!!'

No... I'm not going to the moon. I might as well have just committed suicide. Because I think I'm dead to her. And the only thing I can do to fix it... will kill what's left of me inside.

6:43am: Enough is enough.
Enough is enough.

I never believed it possible that I'd need someone to sit me down, and give me the talk about conquering the world, chasing my dreams and following my own path. After all, it's a mantra I used to live by. I used to run, face in the wind, let the cards fall where they may... and I used to be happy. But they key word is 'used to' and perhaps I needed to be reminded of that most of all.

I've become dull. I've become anxious. I've become insecure. I've become pathetic. I feel like I have a leash around my neck and that it's choking me. I feel like I live in a world where love and guilt have become the exact same thing. More importantly, I've become miserable. I've been miserable long enough.

I want to be happy again. It's time I stop making excuses and start running again.

And even my dreams agree.

Last night, I had a peculiar dream. I dreamed that I was at an unfamiliar house, I think the people there were Korean, but that probably doesn't matter. And there was a helicopter that kept flying by. I didn't know who was on the helicopter, just that I had to hide from them, because if they saw me, then police would break into the house and seize everyone. Unfortunately, the house was covered with windows, and there were no closets, meaning I was always on the move. And I couldn't hide in cabinets, because if they did break into the house and found someone hiding in cabinets, it would be even worse of a punishment.

Later in the dream, a Korean man who I really can't identify in real life, even tried to sneak me home by car - first having me hide under the seat, and then by having me get some sort of weird paperwork. The paperwork symbolized me becoming one of them, so that I couldn't be punished. It also apparently involved me being owned like some kind of slave. I could only be taken in the car if my left foot was fastened in a brace attached to one of the seats. I was flexible enough to manage it without pain, which surprised the people I was with. But the ropes that held the brace broke.

We were stopped by someone who looked like law enforcement, but we didn't get arrested. The man kept saying things in obvious quotes, like how he was always willing to 'help someone who was in the military' and even tied down the brace with the ropes we still had. It looked like I was going to escape.

Unfortunately, instead of taking me home, he took me back to the original house, where I had to begin the whole procedure over again, still running from the helicopter. But it sounded like it was all around us, and in the end, I panicked. I didn't run where he told me to run, or I didn't run fast enough, and I heard the door being broken in. He stood with his arms up, and motioned quickly for me to come out.

The person that broke in was a thin Asian woman. She immediately shouted for us to call her 'Mama' and we did. We all had to smile, with big happy grins, no matter if they were fake or not. Music came on. She ordered us to dance, and we did. 'Mama' seemed impressed that I immediately started dancing, (carameldancen, actually...) and was right on the beat. Then she started asking for our paperwork.

One of the other girls in the house pulled her's out. On it were hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes. And it was all written in big fat-tipped marker. I realized then, that mine wasn't finished. So I said that. I kept saying that I was brand new, and still learning, that I still had the brace on my left foot, showing me as a submissive slave. The man stuck up for me, and agreed. I kept smiling with that huge fake grin the whole time.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see what would happen next. That's when I woke up.

I'll analyze this peculiar dream later, since I have to leave for work. But I think I already have a few ideas about what it means...

Current Lips: brown, white and blue gradient blend

1:43pm: Minus the vicodin.
Given how well I finish in every Oscar pool that goes around, I was a little skeptical about the House pool that everyone was placing bets on. I failed to consider the fact that, one, I don't think like Oscar, and two... I apparently do think very much like House.

Not only did I claim that his hallucinations would be back, but also that he would be committed at the end. And what happened in the last few minutes of House last night?? His hallucinations returned, and he was committed.

Who called it?? Oh yeah. Booyah! Pull out the prescription pad and write me up for vicodin, because, baby, I'm gonna be causin' you so much PAIN!!!

Man, I just can't wait to see the beginning of Season 6!

Current Lips: silver, white and dark blue stripes

8:39am: mmm... programming language...
Ah... it feels so good to be sitting in a classroom. It's a feeling I haven't had in quite some time. But I'm back for training now, in three days of intense Actionscript 3 immersion.

I need it, so desperately, if I am ever going to understand Flash.

Learning Flash without learning actionscript is like trying to learn Dreamweaver without having a firm grasp on HTML. It's just not going to work. You need to understand the language before you can start checking the grammar. I can't just build it and hope it works. I have to be able to fix it when it doesn't work even though it essentially should work.

And although the class hasn't actually started yet (clearly, because have I EVER been the kind of student who would sit and type in their blog during class?! The answer is no, people...) I think it'll go quite well.

After all, I did find the Mac. And I managed to turn it on. That's half the battle right there.

Current Lips: black, white and red stripes