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Woops!W [4 May 2005W2:06pm]
[ mood W worried ]

i made an honest mistake....oops!

see...i've made it through nursing school thus far. its the end of my third semester of it (one semester left), and the stress of it all, the burden of deciding what i'm going to do with my life (believe me its been heaviest this past few weeks then its had in my entire life), and lack of sleep, all probably had factors that when into this mistake, which is this:

i need to pass psych101 in order to move on to the next semester. i did take it at the university, but somehow it did not get processed through my transcript and i procrastinated too long to find out why. no big deal, i signed up for an independant course. well i had an honest mix-up, because when i log into my online course account it said the course ended may 10th, and it got embedded into my memory that that was the last day of class (when everything was due), i was originally going to turn in 3 assignments today and redo the exam that i missed (which is ok) today, then come in next week to turn in the last 3 assignments and do the last exam. not so fast! i checked the syllabus and the last day of the course is today, even though it says differently on my online schedule. ooopsies. if i had noticed earlier, i would potentially had enough time to do those 3 assignments, but as it is i found this out a little bit over two hours before i had to leave for the class, making it impossible to do the assignments, (vocab list, 3-5 page essay, and project thingy) no way i could have rushed and done them in the time alloted. so it was an honest mistake, but an oopsie nonetheless.

i know worrying is not healthy, worrying is almost always worse than the actual outcome of the event, for real. its a waste of energy, and a buildup of negative energy. its unnecessary and a waste, really. the worst case scenario is that my mom is not understanding (which she will be if i show her the date on the web site and point out the discrepancy) and that i will have to take it over the summer. that doesn't seem like such a bad case scenario to me. of course my dad will be hard on me but that is none of my concern because he is hard on me about everything so i've learned to take his criticisms with a grain of salt, in one ear out the other kind of thing, i've been forced to desensitize myself through the years (believe me its that bad, and its not a piece of cake, either) and so at 23 i think i've got it down.

my fiancee is always there to help me when i am worried, and since he can't return my call right now i have learned from him that worrying is a waste of energy and i need to be thinking about the worst case scenario, and possible solutions to the dilemma (i'm going to email the teacher about the discrepancy, but i won't necessarily hope for the best), and to just get it off my mind (the worry) and busy myself with other thoughts for the time being. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY to keep saying to myself in my head that it was an honest mistake, i'm allowed to make mistakes, and i'm still an awesome person. before if i made a mistake i would think "i am a terrible person, and i'll never get it right" and those thoughts contributed to my clinical depression (i was on prozac many many journal entries back)

ssl (sorry so long)

bleed

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Wi'm back - as a newer, more tread upon and abused versionW [3 May 2005W10:20pm]
[ mood W thoughtful ]
[ music W portishead - cowboys ]

hey all, my return is official.

things that have happened to me-

-my dog of 17 years died, we had to euthanize him, he was in pain and dying, my family got a new dog from the pound a few months ago, she is a mini german shepard mix from the pound, we named her kelly. she is such a sweetheart.

-i survived the ultimate hell- three semesters of nursing school. this semester is not officially over, just yet, and i have one semester to go, and then i need to pass the boards. i've decided i don't want to do clinical nursing (the hands-on, taking care of patients directly) the direction i'm headed thus far is to get a CPC (certified professional coder) degree, and find a job with more office work than anything. while going for that degree, i will either drudge through clinical nursing at a hopsital working three days a week (fortunately, RNs are one of the rare professions where you're so in demand that you can tell them you're only going to work 2 or 3 days a week) or i'll get a 9-5 at a private physicians office somewhere. i'll update frequently on where i'm going on this ;)

-my dad finally sold his lemon (car), and he bought a porche carrera. an unbelievably expensive car, but fun to ride in

-i got engaged, and have been with my fiancee for over two years now. we're doing just fine :D

-i saw a pink floyd laser light show, if you like pink floyd i highly recommend seeing one.

i'm sure there's more i'm completely leaving out. my 23rd birthday is coming up (may 28) *twirls around all happy*

bleed

W
Wum......hiW [14 Jan 2005W6:19pm]
[ mood W awestruck ]

um.....this is awkward. i abandoned this baby a looooooooooong time ago. *hello baby* *hello people* .... :-?

2 woundsWbleed

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WHamster heart attackW [6 Jan 2004W2:45am]
[ mood W insomnia ]

My fiancee's hamster Max and my hamster Coconut had 4 babies. We raised them from the day they were born into healthy teenage hamsters, all girls. We gave two of the babies to my fiancee's sister in good hopes they would be taken care of. I don't think she (Tiffany) realized how insane their dog Stanley can get over the hamsters. She cracked her door thinking the dog wouldn't go in, and she is young and is not a responsible adult yet. The dog did go in, and since she put the hamster cage on the floor (me and my fiancee would NEVER put them on the floor even in a cage, unsupervised)... and the dog knocked them from the cage since it was a plastic one, and licked the living shit out of them. They were so scared they both had heart attacks and died from being licked to death. I didn't get to know those two hamsters, and my favorite of the babies is the runt that I have, but it still upsets me because of all the time and effort spent to raise them from the day they were born. If they were store bought I wouldn't feel as badly as I do, I raised them.

1 woundWbleed

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WOOZIEW [23 Oct 2003W6:58am]
[ mood W contemplative ]

BTW sorry I have been out of it, or I'm not sorry??? The reason is is because my dad is going to loose his job, he's working for big corporation/his department is shipping overseas/he's out of a job in a few months. So, things were stressfull, my mom yelled at me for NO reason, and I flipped out, not in a pissed off flipped out way, I mean in a psycho way that I didn't do anything to make her yell at me flipped out way. A psyco way. I like that, psyco instead of psycho mean, anyway, I'm better, its a matter of adjusting. My nursing program which i got accepted to which starts in december is going to be much cheaper than we've anticipated so that's a relief. VE VILL get by *v=w* So..... I have been a very lucky person, so I know if things get tougher I can tough it out. I feel crappy not writing in here, and somethings up with my stigmata background but that's the least of my concerns right now. I am only 21, and for some people 21 is older, mature, but I am a baby, and I realize this, although not often enough. I wish to be more responsible, the word "responsible" means so much more to me than anyone will ever know, because I am a firstborn, and I always feel the need to be perfect and at the standards that are set for me, of course I never meet those standards because I feel to anxious that I can't meet them, *well, the real reason is because I am human, but I cannot accept that reason" OK I am mental. If ever there was a first born/perfectionist/highest standards person who understands what I'm talking about just let me know. So I'm older, but I feel only that I've aged in the fact that I know my weaknesses and my problems and yet I still try to overcome them and only do so with humanlike *as opposed to godlike* success. My depression problem stemmed a LOT from my perfectionistic attitude, and it made me feel so much better when I talked to a trained professional and he assured me that I am human and good enough the way I am. I felt so relieved like 20 pounds of lead was taken off of my lungs that time, and now its so hard to remind myself of that fact, to get this feeling back that I am ok being me, as I am but am hard to convince myself of.
Seriously, I am a hard believer of the truth, VERITAS, there is only one veritas, despite some people's belief that truth depends on belief.... truth is beyond belief, sometimes we believe in what happens to actually be the truth, and sometimes we do no. Where am I going with this? OH, maybe this belief is the strongest connection I can have with myself and with feeling good about myself. This is a weird conversation, albeit only a one sided conversation. I apologize if I don't fit quota, I don't mean to offend and I accept all people's belief's and faiths, because no matter what I believe the number One rule I have is to accept other people's belief's as Their Own Truths, but my own Truth is that there is only one Veritas, *latin for truth*, only one Truth in anything, any given situation, science, etc. it stems beyond perception, and that I can only try to expand my perception to percieve the truth, and the truth is what's deep inside. This is very hard to explain. But I believe in truth, veritas. I mean, I believe in a universal force, at least in THIS universe *as there is a new theory that explains that there is probably other universes* a universal force, a unity, the equivalent of the sum of every energy, psychic phenomenon, artistic inspiration, muse, creativity, etc. etc. equals the sum of a universal force and is united and unity hence *uni*, if this is god then it is, if it is not then so be it.... I'm not sure if the conception of "god" is universal force or not, and rather I don't care in the fact that if there the same then it doesn't matter what name I call it, right, remember "a rose by any other name is still a rose" ?? So if it is it is, if it is it isn't, I don't care about verbage, per se. But veritas is in the framework of this universal force, as it is one with it. I don't wish to pick some religion to put myself in that excludes in its framework what I believe, which is every religion I've found thus far, and I've been uncomfortable with it, but I'm starting to feel comfy with it out of necessitiy... because I need to believe what I believe, not what some institution or some "authority figure" says what I should believe, because it wouldn't coincide with veritas *truth* which I place higher above pretty much anything. Its ironic, sometimes its concievable impossible to fully realize the truth, yet this is what i say, what i which to fully believe, despite that fact that i know my mortal body and mind has limits, I suppose this is my optimism, that even though I am human and mortal I will strive to concieve and accept and understand veritas *truth* despite the universal human dilemma that has been placed upon me, because the benefits of becoming closer to knowing veritas far outweigh the downfalls. I know this as a fact. I will not argue what veritas is with anyone, I just want that out in the open.

3 woundsWbleed

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