| 7:25a |
How foolish am I?
I sometimes have to wonder if I am just stupid or so afraid of change that, that makes me stupid. Well what happened last night was no surprise, he came home and we didn' talk for about an hour, it wasn't until after the girlswent outside to play, that the so called conversation started.
IT seems that it is always one sided, he talks and I listen, if I try to say something he will cut me off and tell me I am fooling myself, he says it like it is (black and White) and I can't see the truth. He told me that he needs to find himself adn that I need to do the same and that he should move out for a month or two. He will find a place and work on him and that I should do the same. You know I tried to tell him that I have been trying to work on us and he tells me if that is all I got, then we ain't going to make it.
You know one thing I did rebut when he said it, was I am to blame for this, I told him I will not take all the blame for this, it was both him and I and of course he told me I was fooling myself. We talked, and of course I cried, but I guess I was more pisst then anything, and I even told him I knew this was coming from the way he treated me earlier in the day. HE told me it was all about the money, adn the feeling of security and that all he is, is a mule for me. HE is so full of shit, he can't even see that his eyes turned brown in the process. So the question is, am I the fool or is he?
You know there is one thing to treat me like shit but you don't do it to the kids. See last night after our discussion, he went into the room and took a shower, I stayed out and cooked dinner, the girls were complaining they were hungry. So after getting done I went to the room and told him dinner was ready and asked if he was going to join us, he said no and that he will eat later. After the girls and I sat down to eat chicken tacos, A1 asked if daddy was going to eat with us and I lied to her and said he was taking a nap. Low and behold he walks out while were still eating (20 mintues after we had started) and A1 called me on it adn asked daddy if he had a nice nap and he responded "I wasn't sleeping" and then she looked at me, I was caught adnd she knew she had caught me in a lie. So he get to the stove and starts bitching that we didn't leave him any chicken (which let me tell you, there was plenty left) So he starts throw a tantrum and gets his torilla, puts beans and lettuce, cheese etc. but no meat. He sits down unhappy as hell and then A1 offers him a taco she had on her plate, and his responce was, are you kidding me, when its over its over, and I could tell on her face she was holding back the tears. a few minutes later I offered him a taco from my plate and then again he made some rude comment and we let him eat in peace the rest of the night, after he got done, he got up and said something while walking down the hallway (which A1 nor I understood) and went into the bedroom. Thats when A1 let the tears roll, I knew she knew why I had lied but I looked at her went up to her put my arms around her and said, everything is going to be alright and we just stayed there for a minute. Like I said it is one thing to treat me like shit, but you don't do it to the kids.
See while we talked, he says he served his purpose with me and that was to get me my girls, now he serves no purpose in this family. He told me I should go find someone that will make me happy because neither one of us are.
You know I did tell him that I would leave with the girls but I had no place to go, he started in and said, "so that is how low you think I am, comparing me to your ex's". Never have I compared him to them, he is definatly different, but now he has placed himself in that group.
So now I have to make a decision, to stay or go. You see, he would take care of all the bills, he told me that he can support me and the girls, but now I am not so sure I want that, see either way if the girls and I stay here or go, we will all have to start over. You know I have come to terms that this seperation is was is best for us, the question will be, is will we survive the seperation, I don't know at this point.
HE has already left for work today and today the twins have cheer tryouts and that will give A1 and I time to talk if she is willing.
I guess I have alot to think about, you know one thing is that I am not totally heart broken over this, I guess I saw it coming and with the way we have struggled over these years it has prepared me for this moment.
You know onething he did tell me yesterday was from the day we got married is when our marriage went sour. I did tell him that we both have treated each other differently adn he told me that he did it because I had started it. there again in his eyes, it is all my fault. You know I don't feel that way, it is never a one way street in a marriage.
You know what is so ironic about this whole thing, you know how he hates dr. phil, he thinks he is full of shit, well yesterday I had it on in the livingroom and he was watching the show while I was taking care of dogs and he saw how dr. phil treats his wife and how happy they look together and when he started the whole conversation he said that it was because of how they treated each other, that he knows we don't treat each other that way and therefore it is wrong. HE will never be good enough he told me. You the what that goes both ways, I am no longer good enough for him. Well I have to go bring in dogs, and shower, I will try and call you later, when I talk to you I have to be alone, I don't want the girls to hear our conversation. I love you. |