Sun Flower's Blurty
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Saturday, March 29th, 2008
| Time |
Event |
| 8:30a |
My eyes say it all
This morning I woke to barely being able to see. They were shut from all the crying yesterday. We had our talk, and it seemed to be a good one, we really talked, we talked about freely covered all areas of our relationship, I guess the most important to him was the talk we had about our sex life and where it is and started. We left on good terms, hugging and hoping that things were on the better track. You know the last time we had a talk, I told him never to threaten to leave again and you know what, he didn't. He infact told me regardless of where our relationship is, he wouldn't be going anywhere. He said he would never leave me no matter how bad it got, he was here for life, if he would have left, he would have done it already, therefore he wasn't going anywhere.
So after our talk we had dinner with the kids, laughed at the ice war that we had and life seemed to be back to normal. Then after he got out of the shower I knew something was wrong, he was being really cold to me, then he said he was going to bed and I could do whatever I wanted. I told him I wanted to be with him and went to bed also. That is when I found out that he was expecting to have sex and because I didn't he said to me, "I;m not leaving, but I'm Done! do you understand that, I'm done!" I cried so hard like you wouldn't know. My marriage is done, we will live as two people that are rasing kids with nothing else. I hurt so bad, I even rolled over and put my arm around him in the hopes that he would even touch my hand, but he didn't, so I got out of the bed and went and sat in the bathroom floor and cried, till I could cry no more. Not once while I cried did he reach out to comfort me, try to hug me, or even squeeze my hand to comfort me in anyway. I finally went to sleep, knowing I have nothing left to say or nothing I can do to help this marriage.
HE got up this morning and I went to the bathroom and tried to open my eyes, I held a cold rag to my face for 1/2 hour to help them and he came in and said he had to go to work. so here I am, sitting and waiting to find out if he is still so upset with me for not changing over night.
I really thoght we had a good talk, we talked about our child hood, about me bringing up my self confidence and what I can do to better or should I say, accept me for me. He asked if you too were the same way on some issues and I told him you were, it was maybe the way we were raised or genetics, I dodn't know either way we were very sensitive to everything. Well I guess all I can say is I am waiting for him to get home to see if he is going to treat me badly or if he is going to be kind.
If someone is going to leave it will have to be me who walks away, I know that now, I will have to end this or I will have to live with my choice of staying in this relationship. I just don't know yet, I don't know how I will feel once he gets home from work. I have alot to think about right now, I have this weekend to sort this out with him adn if he can't be civil to me then I can't live with that, I can't live with someone who is Done with me, I want him to be loving and put his arm around me when I cry, come up and hug me without me starting the hug, I want him to not want sex everytime he touches me | | 11:01a |
Gone again
It was as I had thought, he has been gone since 7:30 this morning, he just called, I guess I had decided that I wasn't going to call him first this morning. I have been sitting here for 3 hours playing free cell on the computer, I have won every game, I guess it is a way for me to think or not to think of whats going on. When he called, you could tell that he is bothered by what has happened to us, I do feel sorry for him, but he doesn't say anything that would even be a slight chance of us lasting. He told me that he has other work to do, I know with him it is a way to stay out of the house, he doesn't want to be here and I don't blame him, I don't want to be here either but I have nowhere to go, stuck I guess you can say. I want to cry, but am holding it back, I don't know that I want to cry over this anymore. It hurts like you wouldn't believe, to know that he has all but given up on us because our sex life isn't like it was when we first got together, he said it should be different, and therefore because it isn't we longer have a relationship. That sucks that he would give like like that, if only he knew that maybe, just maybe over the years things have changed because of the way he has talked to me, been toward me and maybe it isn't all because of me. I told him yesterday that I do feel different then I did when we first started out, I feel unworthy, and weak. I know I am not as strong as I once was. Why that is, I don't know. Maybe I need to leave the house today, go put gas in the car and go somewhere, maybe just drive, just drive away for the day. It's funny how he can leave and find things to do to stay away, and I get to sit here and look at our lives and do nothing but think about us and where it all went wrong, how this could be, and the thing about it is, I have noone but you to talk to because he won't tlak anymore, he said yesterday would be the last time, he would not talk about it again. I need to go shower otherwise I will sit here and do nothing all day. I will tak to you soon. Love and miss you! |
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