Sun Flower's Blurty
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Friday, March 28th, 2008
| Time |
Event |
| 7:13a |
Our begining will be our end
Do you remember the begining of our relationship he asked, you couldn't keep your hands off me, that is what I want. That was 7 years ago. See I guess like I have said before it seems that our relationship is based on our sex lives and how often we have it. Yesterday, he asked if we could have sex that night and knowing it was mid week and I knew it was coming anyway, I said yes. Well the visitors didn't tell they were going to show yesterday, I thought I wasn't going to start until saturday, it has been like clock work for 6 months or more, always a saturday. So knowing that I said yes because he is always disappointed when they do show up. Well after he got home from work yesterday I told him that the visitors showed up and his comment was if I wouldn't have asked they wouldn't have showed up. I told him it isn't like I have control over that and explained the saturday thing and he was upset. Well needless to say it only got worse that night. I knew he would react to that and told me that he wanted it anyway and believe it or not I was willing even though I didn't want to because I don't like it like that but knowing it was to keep the peace I would.
He is so crazy and reminds me almost bdaily about how I acted toward him in the begining, it's always about the begining, it doesn't matter that we have both changed over the years is all ways, it should be the way it was in the begining.
He ended up going to bed at 7:30 last night, I wanted to sleep on the couch last night, but finally dragged my ass to bed at 2:30 in the morning only because I knew it might cause more problems. He got up at 5 this mornign and left for work, didn't say bye just left. I haven't called him this morning and I won't until the girls all go to school. See I heard him get up this morning and I got up with in 15 minutes of him getting up and he was gone by the time I walked out into the livingroom. This is where we are. See I know him well and what will happen next he will come home and threaten to leave and if he does, maybe it will be for the best. Our relationship shouldn't be based on our sex lives. You know he doesn't hug me unless I place myself in his arms, he doesn't do alot of things that I like, but I was never going to end or relationship because of it. HE tells me daily how beautiful I am, and how he is so attracted to me and that is fine and good, but he doesn't hold me just out of the blue. I am scared that this is the end of us.
See I think I know why he says he's not sure if he wants to move back to the other state, it's because he isn't sure that we are going to be together for much longer. He has every right to be hesitant, because I am also. We can't move to fix this, we have to fix this or the girls and I have to move away from here, I know this in my heart.
I will keep you posted on this but I know today we will have another talk or fight about it and by the time he gets home from work he will have decided what he wants to do and I have a feeling it will be to leave at which point, I will have to let him go, although it will hurt, it might be what is best for all of us.
See I do have a plan, the girls and I will stay here until the summer, A1 will be out of school, A2 and A3 will be pulled out a little early and by then we will have made enough money to move without having to borrow any. We will have a little to start out with and he will send some monthly. See, I know this is coming to an end, I can feel it in my bones.
I don't mind taking care of the dogs until we move out, then he can have the house, he can have it all, all I want are my girls and a few personal belongings. This will give me a few months to go through everything that we have and get rid of things that don't matter all that much to us. I guess the hardest part of it all will be to tell the girls he moved out of the house.
I guess by saying all this, I am prepared for the end, although I don't want it to end I think he does and I refuse to live under misrable conditions and I guess what I am saying is I won't. Maybe him moving out he will realize what he does have and have a change of heart, maybe that is what I want from this. I know I have to let go for things to heal, maybe that is what will happen. Well I have to go now, have to get the girls to the bus stop. I will talk to you soon. Love and miss you. | | 9:42a |
Two hours later
I took the kids to the bus stop came home and called him and he didn't have the love in his voice as he would when I talk to him daily. I know how he is feeling, I too am feeling the same way. I reread my journal and cried, I guess I know what is coming. This morning I decided to do a reading with my angel cards and they said things to me that I should already know. I'll start by saying if I remember correctly I left the children card on the top of the deck the last time I used the cards. See I leave a card on top and the rest of the deck is facing the other way. Well when I opened it today the card on top was Manifestation, I then took the deck and asked for guidance on my relationship, 6 card draw
First was spiritual growth - Surrender my fears to god and the angels, trust that I am supported, loved and guided each moment. don't worry about how my future will be, it will blend with my spiritual growth because I am going through a time of rapid spiritual growth.
Second - Body care (blocked) The angels are telling me to take care of my physical body, I need to take care of me, they say I am resisting this because I have received this card the last time I did a reading.
Third - Aswered Prayers - My prayers have been heard and answered, sometimes I may not feel this way because they come in unexpected ways like intuitive feelings, new opportunities, book falling off a shelf - the angels are asking that I be extra observant, notice everything that I hear, say, think or feel. I need to accept the help that is given, I deserve the assistance.
Fourth - Celebration (Blocked) This is the time to fill my heart with a warm feeling and gratitude, hold strong in this gratitude. If I plant a seed and take care of it, it will grow. So they are saying, that I should make decisions that will help everyone grow around me, I will be the key. Although this card is blocked that tells me that I haven't planted my seed and need to be aware of that in order to celebrate.
Fifth - Blessings - God and the angels are helping me right now and I need to continue to ask for their help and then accept it when it comes (and it always does). The angels want me to know that I have extra blessings and angels around me and they are surrounding me with more divine love then ever. The angels are always with me although sometimes it may not feel like it, all I have to do is ask them to take away my fears and then I need to LET them. I am blessed and loved by god and the angels.
Sixth - Divine guidance - I need to trust and follow my intuition, it is god and the angels speaking to me. I am being divinely guided right now, the gut feelings I have, the knowingness, the visions and the inner voice are trying to tell me something and it is important that I trust and follow this guidance. It also says that I need to pay attention to the cards by its side (blessings) because it contains important instuctions for me in it's message that the angels wish to impress upon me.
So after that reading I shuffled the deck 3 times and felt the need to do a one card draw asking about my first step with this. the card that appeared was Manifestation. it was the card at the top of the deck when I opened it. It means I have manifested new opportunites and abundance. I can experiance these gifts right now, the rewards of feeling peace, security and happiness are manifested exactly as requested. First is the idea, then feelings, god and the angels will give me this through my feelings, dreams and visions and with this faith, god and I can do anything.
As I have sat here to write all this, I have been listening to the radio, which I don't do all that often, and you know that lenny kravtz came on and he was the hubby's choice for our wedding song, it made me cry as I listened to the words and then Chris daughtry came on, Im going home to the place where I belong. I guess what I am saying is maybe today is the day, if so, I need to stop crying and see things for the way they are and when he says he is leaving, I need to let him go although I am not want to, it is what's best for all of us. Love you, talk to you soon. |
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